Say something.

Monday, November 26, 2012

Three things I'm absolutely sure about:

I'm going to be tired tomorrow morning.
My family loves me.
God will never leave me alone.


"80% of the things we worry about never happen"

What am I worried about right now?

That you've changed too much.
That you're not who you were anymore.
That you don't love me anymore. 

What should I do? Should I go for it? Ask for closure once more and then move on? But for real this time...

I'm scared. Shitting my pants, actually. My head hurts, I feel like crying.

Why aren't you here? Why did I let you go...

It's been almost a year, why are you still on my mind? Why can't I forget you?

What are you doing right now? Are you still telling jokes? Has that smile left your face?

Back to homework.

Saturday, September 22, 2012

P.S.

OH, and I'm having this delicious Pumpkin Spice Bagel for Breakfast and HOLY SHIT IT'S SO GOOD.

Alright.

Sitting, thinking, wishing

SO, um,.....I have a job. A real paying working job, and it's at one of the coolest places EVER. No, not the Starbucks one (they obviously realized I was too good for them), but at the new Panera Bread opening in Homestead!!!!! *insert jumping, screaming, clapping here*

I got so blessed to get this job. Why? My mom and I were on our way to go apartment hunting (yes, we're thinking about moving, again) and we passed by Panera. I was surprised to see people inside so I made a note of going to ask later about a job since I had applied last week. As soon as I got there, I was freaking out. My throat was killing me and my body was sore. I had to give it a try, though. As I was reaching the door this guy came out and turns out he was the manager! I told him I had applied online and he said to follow him. I got a job interview right on the spot and he said he definitely felt the energy that Panera needed :-) and that he would call me if they were interested. (Later, I found out that there was a big red stain on my ass from my period and I got so worried) BUT, GUESS WHO GOT CALLED AT 9:30PM? He told me to go in at noon the next day and I was like HELL YEAH (not really, but I was really excited)!!!! I went in at noon and he basically told me I got the job but that I had to get the uniform before the training at 4 (mind you, training had started the day before so I was already a day behind, as usual). It was 12:30ish so I picked up Diana and off to shopping we went. We managed to get everything in time and then came home, fixed myself, ate and then off to my job I went.

I was freaking out but I promised myself I wouldn't try to befriend anyone regardless of my initial impression of them. Turns out, Annibelle works there!! It's so nice to know that I know someone there even if we weren't best friends at least it makes things a little more comfortable. Everyone was super nice nice and friendly and I got the hang of cashiering pretty quickly. I made sure I asked questions no matter how stupid they were. We had a meeting at 11pm and then we took home all the food that was made and leftoever (WHICH WAS A LOT). I found out, though, throughout the day that everyone was hired more than 3 weeks ago. That means they've had time to practice the menu and go through orientation and learn all the ingredients ahead of time. The opening of the store is on TUESDAY and today is SATURDAY. No biggie, though, right? ._____.

I still haven't signed a formal contract or have an official cool name tag or have any kind of information on how the Panera Bread corporation pays, so I'm going to go in at 3pm to find out all that mumbo jumbo. Maybe 2:30pm, I don't know. I'm just so happyyyyyyy I got a job and that God's taking the wheel from me :')

Now I have to go make my lesson plan for today and hope for the best :x

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Times are a changin'

My uncle has this old-fashioned idea that guys are supposed to play they role just as much as girls play there role. For example, guys can be man whores and change a car's oil, while a girl has to be prim and proper and have dinner ready. Some of his thoughts have changed over time (I mean, the guy did teach me how to drive stick, sort of lol) but his roots are still there.

I'm bringing this up because he mentioned this when we were talking about Jose, my ex-boyfriend. Yes, I'm single now. Been single for over a week! I haven't cried much, not like with Casey anyway, but it has been...different. Not in a good or bad way, just different. I'm still trying to get used to the whole college lifestyle and it can get overwhelming sometimes, especially since I wanna do so much, but I know I'll get the hang of it soon. I just need to work on my time management and my priorities.

Why did I break up with Jose? Because everyone was right: you can't get to know someone for two weeks. My romance heated up in a matter of seconds, and just as it heat up, it heated away. I can't forget how perfect it felt and it seemed, but usually when something is too good to be true it usually is. I realized that he wasn't what I thought he was. Not just that, but that he was exactly what I was afraid of. I grew close to him so easily, but I guess I was just expecting too much from him. I will continue to say that the hardest thing I will ever do is give someone my all. It did feel right at one point, but I couldn't picture us doing anything but sitting on a couch watching tv. I want more than that, and there's nothing wrong with wanting more. Things will work for the best so I'm not worried about that. God has me covered :-)

God. Dad. I feel so far away from you lately. It's late and it's cold and I've stayed out for too long, I'm sorry I don't know why I'm so stubborn, but I'm coming back inside.

Christmas is coming!!!!! Fall is nearby! Times are a changin'.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Late night thoughts

I'm not happy. I have to finally admit that to myself. Am I ever gonna be happy?

Honestly, right now I should be alone. Think about myself and all of the changes I want to make in my life. Before things get too hectic and before one of us gets fed up with how the situation has been going, I think we need to put an end to it. I love you, I do. But maybe we fell in love too fast. Maybe we didn't. Whatever it is, I think we're at a time in our lives where we both need to grow, without anybody. Everything was perfect in the summer, and now I'm tired of fighting. We both have goals and they won't get accomplished if we keep arguing with each other. We're expecting too much and it's not healthy, for either of us. I wish we could stay friends because you're a great human being and I'd hate to lose you, but as a couple I don't think we should do this anymore and we should get out before it's too late.

I want to do so much. Read. Travel. Explore. Drink coffee. Meet new people. And I'm afraid I won't get that with you.

I keep looking at the flowers you gave me and it sucks. They're so beautiful, but I can't do this anymore.

Reasons why I wanna stay with you:
  1. You're funny.
  2. You're silly.
  3. The way you never wanna let me go before we say goodbye.
  4. The way you get jealous.
  5. When we argue in a cute way
  6. The way you love all my little flaws (i.e. my big cheeks)
  7. You like the way my hair smells
  8. You're cute.
  9. You have so much potential
  10. You always push me when I need to be pushed 
  11. You go after what you want
Reasons why I have to let you go:
  1. We keep arguing and it hasn't stopped.
  2. I want to grow as a person
  3. I want more
  4. I'm not as happy as I used to be
  5. The way you get jealous.
  6.  You don't push me when I need to be pushed
  7. I can't picture a future with you, and i've tried
  8. You're lazy
  9. Hardly have any innitiative
  10. Not too ambitious or passionate
  11. You don't wanna believe in God

I was told today, from someone that's always searching for something new, that it is possible to constantly want to search for something new with a significant other.

Saturday, September 1, 2012

^^ I can't remember the last time I posted something, but here's a picture of moi.There's so much going on in my head and I've been meaning to post here but I just haven't found the time. What better, though, than on a Saturday morning while I have my cup of coffee.

Well, I started college. I know, CRAZY, but it's really not as stressful as I had imagined. With time management and my full attention I know I'll be fine :) I've met some pretty amazing people: Chantal, Alejandra, Javier, Ken. And of course, I've still kept in touch with my old friends: Anabel, Diana, Ana, Alyssa, Roxanne, Lindsay, Zae, among others. Oh, and I have a boyfriend now, Jose. We're going through a rough patch so I don't really know where it's going but everything will work out for the best. God has never been so present in my life as he is now. He's my center and he shall remain that way for a while.

It hit me right now, I want to learn so much. I want to be cultured. I want to explore. I can't wait til I see the Grand Canyon or Yosemite National Park. But since I'm living forr today, I guess I'll start by doing Trig HW lol and maybe catch up on some reading! I FEEL ALIVE.

I feel reawakened and I won't waste a minute of it.

Here's a better picture of me (haha):

Anyway, I went to LA with Ana banana. Have I mentioned that before? Went for a week, by ourselves, with no one to guide us. We got lost on buses, trains, walking and at one point almost getting attacked by homeless people. It was an eye-opening experience and I'm glad I got the opportuniity to go. I learned so much and I can't wait to start my own collection of places I want to travel to. EEEEEEP. For now, I'll just keep fantasizing and daydreaming o:)

That's it for now, I promise to keep myself updated.



Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Healthier Lifestyle, take 387

Ah, it's been awhile. The last time I posted was a little less than 2 months ago and much has happened and much has changed.

For starters, I am now a High School graduate! :) I graduated June 4th at the Bank Atlantic center and it feels weird. I no longer have to deal with high school stuff and I can now say stuff like "....well...back in high school" or I'll never have a high school crush anymore, lol. I'm a big girl now :P

Gradbash with Ana and Alena, Prom with Anabel, After-Prom with Hyacinth, Roxanne, Shameka, Ashlee, Aida, Amanda, and Maria, and then Graduation.

Everything happened so quickly and now here I am on a Tuesday afternoon writing about it.

And today is also the start to my healthier lifestyle. I know I've said it plenty of times before, but today is the day that my life will start doing it's 180.

Oh and my mom wants to go to Nicaragua at the end of July ^.^

Sunday, April 29, 2012

One day

One day I'll wake up and I'll smile.
I'll smile at the goodness of the light and the shadows of the trees.
The trees and the grass and the hastiness of the birds nearby.
Nearby and far, but nonetheless existing.
Existing and more real than I could ever dream of.

One day, it will all be over.
Over and gone like the start of the weekend.
The weekend that didn't want to be forgotten.
Forgotten, though, it will be.

One day, all I'll know is that I made it.
I made it and all I'll ever know is that I never lost hope.

One day, my eyes and my heart will no longer be deaf.
And they will never, ever, know of the word "no".

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Home, sweet home

MAYBE its time to update-

Um....Im kind of in Nicaragua right now. I KNOW. Crazy, right. My mom asked me what I wanted for my birthday and I didnt want a birthday party at all, birthday parties are overrated and everyones just there for the food, including myself but thats not the point. The point is I just didnt want a párty. What I really wanted was to go to Nicaragua. The homeland.

Everything happened so quickly! Bought my tickets Monday night and then all of a sudden it was Friday, my birthday: Ana gave me the cutest little french box and shot CUP, anabel made me the cutest card and dress and  french cookbook and her sister and mom gave me a birthday candle!!!!, yessenia bought me a pinata and filled it with spongebob memorabilia and all these amazing goodies, kulsoom bought me buttercream walnut brownies, francis bought me cupcakes, alyssa made me the cutest card and amazing chocolate chip cookies, judy made a heartfelt homemade card, cynthia got me YOOHOOS!!! and a beautiful homemade card, and then after that my momma picked me up, went to mi tia juanitas house and then ate taco bell, and then I was off.

It was weird being at the airport, going through airport security by myself, walking to the gate by myself and sitting down by myself. Observing, listening, and thinking about all of the things that had changed in my life. Im 18 now. Eighteen. 18. 18. 18. Im not a baby anymore. Everything I do now has to be measured carefully and thought out to the t. But it doesnt feel like it, reaching this big independent age. I havent done much thats different, except I kind of had my whole first beer yesterday o.o I felt like a feather afterwards, definitely a light drinker. Jonathan, Paola and Marilu picked me up from the airport. I had a stomachache thanks to the turkey sandwich on the plane, no wonder there was a huge ass line to the airplanes bathroom. We stopped at a gas station and I gave everyone their taco from taco bell and I drank an ENZA which is basically alkaseltzer in a bottle. It was disgusting but it helped. Then I had my quesillo!!! Came home to find the cutest kitty cake and then my grandma wouldnt let me go, she was so surprised and she was twirling me around and I seriously debated if she was drunk lol. Then we cut my cake, took pictures and off to the bar we went! Marilu and I did karaoke and it was hilarious. We ate, cracked jokes, drank my first beer and it was a great night. We even bumped into Gisella! Now Im not saying im gonna start bragging about drinking and all this jazz, I was the only one to drink that night and it was healthy first drink because I didnt get drunk and I dont plan on doing this often, not that I even can in the US. It felt kind of cool, not the drinking the actual beer part, but being out with friends and having a good ol time.

Yep. Its been really hot though. Like, Miami times three hot. Im continiously sweating and Ive had to change clothes two times already. Ah, but its been a good time though.

*Side note, the keyboards are really weird though and I dont know where all the commas and junk is at so i have so many typos....insert sad face.

Sigh

Its sad to know that theres literally a wall between us right now.


Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Tomorrow, perhaps?

Maybe someday we'll meet. We'll see each other and we'll know.
We'll learn how to play the banjo and harmonica together and we'll start our own secret band.
We'll watch really aggravating, foreign films together and laugh about the absurdity.
We'll have a lazy day where we'll just drive around til we find a place we like.


Maybe someday.

Monday, April 2, 2012

AHHHH

I'm so excited for the future!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hyacinth told me during lunch today that she wanted to go on this volunteering trip with Medlife to Peru and asked me if I was interested. HECK YEAH i'm interested! I'd LOVE to go, especially since it's in the field I want to work in for the rest of my life. (oh and peruvian food is amazing :p) I'M SO FRIGGIN HAPPYYY!!!

And then the fact that I picked miami dade honors and how im getting extra cash on the side and how im staying nearby home and how God is helping me settle things into place...I LOVE YOU.

:)

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Cheers! *clink*

I'm staying in Miami for two more years.

How? And more importantly, why?

I've decided to pick the Honors college at Miami Dade. Running away and being away so far from home isn't the answer. My family is here in Miami and the Honors college gives me so many opportunities and it doesn't tie me down like the South Carolina scholarship would. I have a bit more freedom as to what my next move should be and I'm in a smaller classroom environment and maybe someday I can go on an internship to Ireland >:p

The point is, Miami is a melting pot of culture and I want to meet different people, so why not start small?

I'm also excited knowing my family's gonna be nearby and that I won't be missing out on too much.

After the MDC honors interview, I swore I didn't get in. I stuttered too much and the lady brought up my failed math classes. There were sooooo many applicants that wanted to get into the campus that I wanted to get into, and somehow they picked me. Thank you, God. Thank you so much.

Cheers to the future, and cheers to one of the happiest months in the year!

Friday, March 30, 2012

What to do, what to do

I've come a long way. Looking back, I've accomplished so many things and I've never stopped to look around at all the things currently in my life.

If I stay in Miami and choose the Honors College, what will happen to me?
If I leave and choose a school out of state, as in Seton Hall, University of Arizona, or even South Carolina State, where will my life lead to?

I have to let Miami Dade know whether I picked them before April 4th, and that's right around the corner. Sigh.

fUN fRIdAyS.....lol jk

I'm lost. I don't know what step I should take, I don't know if that step is even what I want. I don't even know what I want. I just want to be happy. Eat and be happy. Wake up in the morning, make myself some coffee and breathe in happiness and peace.

I need you, Dad. I'm...eternally undecisive and worrysome.

Monday, March 26, 2012

It's all one big fuck

Fuck fuck fuck fuck.

I'm really tired and whenever it comes to helping people I can't help but saying yes and then thoughts and memories of our past never cease to disappear lately and then you, who I hate, pop in my head like its all good and I don't have my prom dress yyet or a prom date and im really tired and all i want is this work done but its not and i want a big bear hug. sigh.

Fuck.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Maybe I want things my way too much where I start wanting people to act the way I want them to and get mad when they don't "live up to my standards".

Dad, you here?

It's over; I think.

I told Diana what I felt, and I sent the message. She blocked me on facebook and basically told me off that she couldn't believe what I was saying especially after everything we've been through. I called her last night to try to work things out because I did feel like I attacked her and I shouldn't have said things the way I did, but that was no use. I called her again twice today and nothing, but then she called me back. I tried apologizing for what I said, but useless again. She was mad and hurt. I hurt her badly and she didn't want anything to do with me, she didn't even want to say my face. But at one point I felt what I wrote so I had to send it, but now I'm just a jerk. I am a jerk. I hurt people. That's what I do. She even threw the Casey thing in my face, and it hurts because I've been thinking about that a lot lately and it has nothing to do with our friendship. According to her, "I think everyones out to get me, and I'm so hurt that I think everyones gonna hurt me, and I'm to judgemental and too critical and I don't fight for anyone thats worth". She thinks I think she's a piece of shit.

And you know what, I don't think that. But maybe I am everything that she said.
Maybe I am too judgemental of everyone and I want everything to go my way and for everyone to be how I picture them. But it's not like that and things don't go my way. I should appreciate what I have and realize that everyone around me is human and that they make mistakes. I should let go of all this hate I have inside me and I should take things easy and not so seriously. I won't get anywhere if I continue to keep my act up. I need to start appreciating what I have and thank God for every breath I take and for everyone that's in my life.

I'm sorry to everyone that I've hurt, including you God and my mother, and everyone else that I've tried to control and wanted them to do things my way. But it's not like that.

I need help. And I know the one guy that will lead me to the way.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

I need sleep and it's 2am

I dunno why I just thought of this, but at school in the senior section wall someone wrote "free mah dawg priscilla"

Lolololol, whose priscilla???

Monday, March 12, 2012

Yesterday

I was skyping with Sophia and then my mom walks in to my room and asks me if I want to go to her friends house, which just happens to be Josue's mom. I said no, why should I go, right?

5 minutes later she calls me and tells me that she just got hit by a car and that the car was totaled or something. I was freaking out; earlier that day, after menchies, I kept thinking about my mom and I being in a car accident. I don't know what's wrong with me.

I called my aunt and she came and picked me up and took me to where she was. She was nervous, but other than that she seemed fine. The other car was a huge truck and it jammed into her left side. There wasn't a four way stop sign so my mom had the right to keep driving. The truck didn't stop and it jammed into her and the car swerved, mind you it was raining. When my mom realized the car wasn't stopping she accelerated, and if she hadn't, it probably would have hit her.

I'm just glad she's okay. This morning she woke up with a bit of pain on her neck and shoulder and arm, so hopefully she feels better soon.

God still has a purpose for her, she still needs to be here on Earth. Please, God, don't take her away from me just yet.

First day of spring break

Finished watching Breakfast at Tiffany's.
Too adorable.

I guess I should do something productive now, since it's 12:28pm.

Ah, screw you daylight savings.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Everyone lately is in love.

I want to be in love: with life, with God, with myself. I want to stop being so careless about my personal issues, as in my body, my health, my room, my life. I want to take care of myself and stop walking through life like it's a dark forest. Life has obstacles, but it also has it's rewards. I want to LIVE. I want to love God above all and I want to be happy with my surroundings.

Spring break, starts my month of inner change.

Fuck you, Ryan Gosling.

Why are you perfect? Why aren't you next to me instead of this $5 dollar big box from taco bell?

WHY AREN'T WE SOULMATES

Another saturday "well spent"

As I lie bed lazily, I hear the birds chirping outside and the sky and sun remind me of what a good saturday it is.

But I'm too lazy to get up. Or eat. Or do anything.

Sigh.

Monday, March 5, 2012

Surprise, surprise!

A while back, last year in April to be exact, Mrs. Mendez had a poster on her podium talking about national poetry month. I thought it looked really cool so I went online and sent in my information to get a free poster in the mail. Well...I never got a poster. Turns out they had ran out so I was out of luck.

I was in my room when my mom called me telling me I had gotten something in the mail: it was from the National Poetry Month people. They sent me a poster from this year's poem and I love it. It's called "Our Valley" by Philip Levine. He talks about reality, how we think that everything we see is ours, including the the ocean, the trees, the Earth. But it's not.

"...even if “the mountains […] dissolve in dust” and the “wind dies” those are only moments stitched into a blanket called “our life” (lines 23, 14, 24)."

"...wait for the wind, catch a scent of salt, call it our life."

Sunday, March 4, 2012


That's what I really wanted to say. But I didn't say anything. Because then everyone was gonna say "maria, are you so hurt by men that you need to make such hateful comments?"

But no, it's just....odd.
Especially from him.
I'm sorry God and mom, but if there are no signs of me moving out anytime soon before college, I'm going out of state.
I don't care if I have to take out loans, I don't care if I have to find someway to pay for college, I am NOT going to live here. This isn't healthy for anyone and no one is happy in this damn hypocritical "family".

I refuse to be a part of this anymore and I will do whatever it takes to live a better life.

My mom and I have talked countless times about moving out and all this other stufff, and she keeps waiting for a sign from God but sometimes you can't wait for a sign. If she stays behind, that will be her choice. I feel bad about leaving her here, if she chooses to stay, but I can't do this.

Why am I so damn emotional? Chaisen. Maybe I just need to toughen up, or maybe going out of state will help my mom move out. She'll only need to worry about her and then it won't be such a problem anymore. Sigh. I don't want to move away but this might be my only choice to finally breathe and focus.

God, if you're reading or listening, please....please enlighten me.
And sometimes it's just coincidence.

Saturday, March 3, 2012

IN YO FACE UF

GOT INTO THE UNIVERSITY OF ARIZONA AND GOT OFFERED A SCHOLARSHIP!!!!! IN YO FACE UF. IN YO FACE!!! :')

I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO FEEL, THIS IS SO SURREAL!!!!!! I CAN'T WAIT TO SHOW MRS. REMMEN ON MONDAY OR TUESDAY.....OMGGGGGGGG

THANK YOU, DAD. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR EVERYTHING YOU DO. THIS IS A SPECIAL SHOUT TO THE COOLEST GUY I KNOW, GOD.

:DDDD

Wait a minute, does this change anything....?
HMMM....

Yesterday, Mrs. Mendez said that one little thing changes everything, which I had already known, but the way she said it sounded....dark and magical? That one choice..that one simple mistake...that one simple thing makes the difference of two separate lives.

Coincidence vs Fate

That unexpected look, that unexpected meeting between two individuals, that moment where everything aligns and for one second you believe it was meant to be....or was it?

I went to the beach yesterday with Alyssa and Roxanne after school and it was super relaxing. I had so much fun and just having unforced conversation and laughter with two girls that don't ask much out of life. I got to thinking about this whole coincidence and fate thing and I asked them what they thought. There responses were: "Sometimes it's coincidence, sometimes it's fate".

But how do you know? When a moment comes and you think it was fate, what if it really was only coincidence and nothing more? A simple meeting between two strangers, and two strangers you'll stay?

Alyssa told me her uncle's story. He was born in Germany and then came to the U.S. and graduated

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Happy leap day!

Life....life is good.
And God? God is too wonderful.

Monday, February 27, 2012

Le Weekend ~

Such a great weekend.
  • Did awesome with the whole "teaching the teachers" lesson plan at the teacher meeting.
  • Did some HW, not all, but more than I've ever done on a saturday night.
  • Made an awesome love album for Mrs. Remmen
  • JAMMED TO MY LOVE ALBUM IN THE CAR
  • watched The King's Speech saturday night
  • Cooked/baked today for lunch: mushroom baked chicken and cinnamon roll pie
  • shared lunch with the napoles and mah momma/stepsiter/stepdad
  • went to Bayside with the Napoles' and had a great time :D
  • date with Sophie as we watched the Oscar's together over skype
  • THE ARTIST WON :'''''')
  • totally worth staying up late

And I ain't even read for AP english. Hmm....

I was thinking on the car ride back home from Bayside, and Miami-Dade honors seems like a really good option right now. I love my family toooo much to just miss out and I maybe I haven't given Miami too much of a chance? I dunno. Just a thought.

Friday, February 24, 2012

Not too much to ask for, right?

All I want right now is apple pie. Warm, gooey, rich, curl-your-ties, moanin-worthy applie pie. With, perhaps, a small scoop of vanilla bean ice cream. Or just vanilla would be nice.

Yeah....that's all I want.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Note to self:

It's okay to be sad, feel sad. But don't let it get to you, or in other words, don't let that ruin your day. Keep your goals in check and remember what it is that you want to do and what you have to do in order to get there.

THANK YOU, JESUS, for giving me the chance to breathe.

Just breathe.

Too much emotions

My arms are fat. I am sad. I have no energy. I want to go to bed. I want to scream. I want to cry.

But I have homework to do.

Senior breakfast today

And now that I'm home, why do I have this...sadness over me? This lethargic and emptyness that took over me when I got home, I don't know where it came from. It's my fault though, for ditching my friends. Maybe thats why I feel like this.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Senior breakfast tomorrow

Dress? Check.
Shoes? Uh...Check!
Hair in place? Check!
Avoiding ex? NO.

The one person I wanted to avoid this entire trip, to just enjoy without any awkward stares or awkwards greetings or anything awkward can't be avoided. Why? Because out of the four buses in this whole trip, we're going on the same bus. Riding for 40 minutes together. I won't feel comfortable knowing he's somewhere around me.

Why why why why why why why why

Monday, February 20, 2012

In case I die of happyness..

Before I do, I want the world to know that tonight I have made the greatest vegeterian chili. IT IS SO GOOD. (Even though I didn't come up with this recipe, I did improve and kind of made it my own since instead of adding another can of tomato sauce I added salsa :3)

Yep. And this Quinoa with Brown rice is scrumptiously delicious!!!!!!!!

WASSUP, FOOD NETWORK

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Three things I know right now:

I can't wait to go grocery shopping tomorrow.
I want to start traveling already to be in company of out-of-this-world food and wine.
I'm pleasantly happy.

Always a post about the good ol' silly little boys

After the friday night incident on my socially awkwardness around guys, something stood out to me: if im not ugly, if i seem like a nice girl, then why would someone not approach me?

Saturday night, after Diana, her parents, and I got back from the Keys and our adventure, we were watching the Cheetah girls and singing to our old jams. We didn't finish watching it cause my mom wanted me home so I said goodnight to Diana's parents and she took me home. We stopped by at Menchie's and the guy that was working there was clearly making eye contact with Diana and they were flirting and all that junk. I was like "what, do I have something in my teeth that I can't be noticed?". We took our bowls and sat down. Through the eating and the car ride to my house, she said that I give off this "im not interested, fuck off" vibe. Whcih, surprised me at first, but then I was like...oh. That may be true. She said guys like to make a girl feel protected and that when someone looks at me you see this independent girl who doesn't need somebody to pull her together cause I have my thoughts elsewhere.

I need to start socializing a bit more. Not that I wanna be a whore, but dang...

GREAT GREAT GREAT WEEK. LET 2012 BRING ON THESE GOOD TIMES!!!!

When does a week start, on a Sunday or Monday? If it's Monday, then this has been an amazing week so far :>>>

I thought Valentine's day was going to be a drag this week, actually I felt like it was genuinely going to be a good day. AND IT WAS A GREAT DAY! Lindsay made me gnocchi with meat sauce for lunch, oreo truffles for dessert and a cute note saying she was funna bring me homemade key lime pie for wednesday :D Tammy gave me the cuuuuuutest note and then I watched the Time Traveler's Wife with Anabel <3

Wednesday was the much-required me day, I really needed to just slow down and my mom made me some chicken noodle soup :')

On Thursday, my mom and I went to an appointment about this whole child support junk and the lady said everything should be resolved in a matter of three months. My dad is not getting away with it this time. Even though I start feeling bad about enforcing this money situation on him, but then I remember all the hard times my moms had to go through and it's not fair to her, or me.
My mom and I bonded on the train ride back home, even if meant just holding me while I read. School was breeezy ~

Friday I went to the movies (on a date) with Tuty and Yoel and his friends. Yoel was going on a date with this new girl he likes, who apparently are now bf/gf, and his friends to watch the vow and since I know Tuty wasn't gonna like that we went and saw Ghost Rider, which was dumb but he and him had a nice date :3 After the movie Yoel snuck out to the Crepemaker without letting me know. Tuty and I were in the parking lot without knowing what to do so we eneded up going to the Crepe Maker. "Is this the crepemaker?" No, its subway" Lololol, we ordered a nutella crepe. After a while I noticed that one of the workers there was really cute and I tried to start talking to him but I wasn't in my comfort zone, which was why I wanted to go for it. But I'm nowhere near flirty and being myself would just show my even more naivveness and awkwardnesss that I am. I need to start socializing a bit more.

Saturday....Diana and I keep talking about doing things and they actually happen. WE WENT FRIGGIN' PARASAILING. AND IT WAS MAGICAL. TOOOO MAGICAL. Like riding on a Swingset in the sky :''''''') And then we finally went to the Wafflehouse!!!!!!! It was toooooo wonderful!! Surprisingly, Juan was there O.o As in, Juan from Middle School, Juan from yoel's baseball team....that Juan o.o How do you find someone all the way in the Keys after you don't see them in Homestead? After that, Diana's parents took us to where her dad works and it was so cayoooote and I asked Diana how much it costs to stay at the resort for a night and her dad said"300 dollars" HELL NOO. BUT DEN, her mom said that they offered him three free nights and that she would try to convince him to let us use one of those nights :DDDDDDDDD OMG DIS GON BE AWESOME. And now Diana wants to go to Calle Ocho, she want me to die or sumthing...

Sunday. My day just started and I'm wondering what the day will lead to...

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Valentines day

I dreaded today. Actually, I always dread February's in general. I just don't like anything about valentines day, not because I'm alone, but because it's a commercialized holidays and people actually fall for it.
BUT today has been a great day :D Lindsay made me gnocci with meat sauce and oreo truffles :>, Tammy gave me the cutest valentines day card :3, Judy gave me a box of chocolates c:, i got to deliver goodies, Mrs. remmen told me i was a semi-finalist for the salute to education scholarship and its just been a good day :)

After I came home from the gym, my mom gave me some letters and one of them was to let me know that I'm not a soroptimist winner aka I didn't get the scholarship. I was sad, but then I was realized, its okay. I'm not the person they're looking for and it's not my fault. I'm just....not the one. I hope the people that do get it appreciate it :)

Sunday, February 12, 2012

People should really listen to me more often...

I told Ana a long time ago that there were three places you shoud never meet guys. I don't remember the other two, but the flea market was definitely one of them.

AND WHAT DOES SHE DO? Get a crush on one of the guys there!

WUZ GOIN' ON.

The train has left the station, but I'm not in it.

The Train as in the small crush I had on that guy. Not that he doesn't seem like a sweet boy, I'm sure he is, just that it wouldn't work out. We're just on different....levels.

Airplane? Sigh. I'm still working on it, but I'm sure that I soon will move on.

(Anabel and I have different codenames for all of the guys we've liked. My codenames are associated with travel, and hers is with food. Casey was suitcase, and that is all I shall reveal for now)

On to brighter news:

This weekend was bittersweet. Friday, Diana texted me telling me she wanted to hang out with me instead of Andres. I was shocked since it didn't make sense on why she would pick me over sexy Andres. Later on she texts me to tell me that she really needs to see me and that it's bad. She said she was going to pick me up from my bus stop so we could talk. When I get in the car I find her crying and I knew it had to do with Andres. He chose living his single life in the fraternity over being settled down with her. FUCKING ASSHOLE. Why would he get her hopes up like that and then leave her? She was so happy the day before. Singing love songs, twirling around, smiling, laughing....and then crying the next day over this douchebag. And yet, you know what? She still puts herself out there, looking for love wherever it may be. No matter what she's been through, there she is ready to love again. We went to Wendys after that and then Menchie's to eat some froyo. Then we went to volunteer at the church festival, the dessert booth, and I got a call from tia Maritza. Tia Maritza NEVER calls me so I knew it had to be important. I answered and she was like "hey, I'm at dave n busters" and I was like "awesome...you guys having fun?" and then she proceeds to tell me "guess who I just saw?" and I couldn't think of anyone so i said idk and then BAM she says "Casey, your ex, with another girl, chinese looking". AWESOME. THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME KNOW. I wasn't mad, upset, or excited. I was sad, it was bittersweet. I didn't expect him to move on so soon and I was also happy that he seemed like he was doing better. I didn't believe my aunt at first, but then she sent me pictures. I think Shelby was in one of them? Meaning they were celebrating her birthday, meaning I was not invited, meaning we weren't as close as I thought we were. I know things would have been awkward, but a little "hey, im doing this thing at dave n busters, but i dont know how you feel about going cause casey's gonna be there." I probably wouldn't have gone, but its the thouhgt that counts. Ugh. I went home with Diana and we checked my UF admission status. They denied me. Didn't even get in for the summer. I wasn't upset because I didn't even feel like going there, but it was still bittersweet. I went to my aunts house 15 minutes later cause I had to babysat Yoel and chris since they were working late again and thats it for friday.

Saturday, went to church early and did mah thang. The kids weren't focused and I was still blank from last night. After church, I went home and cleaned my room. Jackie said that Daddy was gonna pick me up, and I was soo happy cause I wanted to see them! Daddy and I bonded on our way to Hialeah and then he took us to Taco bell :D MORE BONDING! I went to Jackies house after that and we were getting ready to go see the Vow. Daddy went to go pick up escarleth and then came and got us and we were on our way to Muvico. It wasn't AMAZING, but I liked it alot. I even cried a few times ._. Then we went to Kohls and tried on clothes and wheeled escarleth around in the wheelchair :p Daddy pickeed us up and took us to the fair. I had a nice time, AND I HAVE FRIED OREOS FOR DA FIRST TIME!!!!!!!!! I was having a mini heart-attack after eating just half.....but it was darn good :) After the fair we bought some movies and then went home to Escarleth's and watched Breaking Dawn.
Ivan didn't let me sleep.

Sunday, woke up and bonded for half and hour with Escarleth; we be gettin' deeeep. We got ready for church and tia Juanita and daddy were there! After church, we went back to tio Alcides' house and finished watching Breaking Dawn, it was okay to be honest. Afterwards we went to Ivan's little league game and ate some BK. We came home and then I knocked out on one of the bunk beds. My mom picked me up and then we went to Yessenia's aunts house. We had some fried pork and then played Dominos.

Now I'm home and I have to do so much stufffffffffffffffffffff...........including update other stuff on my blog. Hmm..

Saturday, February 11, 2012

My faith and relationship with God needs to grow stronger

My mom's right, I don't even know where my life is headed to. Everything's a mess and I'm not helping myself out by helping everyone elses needs and not my own. I've been thinking about stupid bullshit and here I am, falling slowly. Point me home? We still have time...

I didn't get into UF. I didn't get accepted. I'm a little disappointed, but it was my fault. I should have tried harder. Besides, I didn't really wanna go there. It didn't feel like home. Everyone else wanted to go there, and I kind of decided to go since it was a nice school and my friends wanted to go there. Which then I guess isn't so bad that I didn't get accepted.

Then, while I was working at the church festival, tia Maritza and Luis call me to tell me that they're at Dave n Busters and that they saw Casey with another girl. How nice! After all the trouble we went through to just go out to ONE place, aka the movies at Dolphin, you're allowed to go everywhere else with people your family hasn't met. BULLSHIT. FUCKING BULLSHIT.
Not just that, but it's also bittersweet that he's moving on. I'm kind of happy he's moving on, but why so fast? Guys just don't give a fuck and there not as emotional as we are, even though I felt like i had the pants in the relationship...

I was reading the Bible, chapter 22, and he's right. If I think I'm all great and powerful, how's that gonna help me with God? If I don't do good deeds, etc, why should I expect him to forgive me?
I'm sorry, I'll be nicer to my stepsister. I'll focus on you more, I really want to. Please, please...don't leave me.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

tbh

I'm really nervous. I'm scared. I feel...lost. Like something's missing?

I went to Chili's on Thursday afterschool with Alyssa, Roxanne, Stephanie, Monique, Monica, and their friend Chris with the mole. It was nice and relaxing. I saw Cindy and Rene from middle school, but yet I didn't approach them, and they didn't either. After that, Alyssa took me home and then I knocked out. But then my stepsister was being loud as usual and I couldn't go back to sleep. Awesome, right? Well, anyways, I went to the gym, did mah thang, and then I checked Alena's essay because she's applying to the Art Institute in Miami. I know she's getting in and I'm sooo proud of her :') My mom got mad at me because I'm irresponsible, and I know I am, I really do have to prioritize, but it's so hard D: I picked up yoel and christopher at the baseball park an hour late and then my mom took us to their house since I was supposed to sleepover and supervise them. I talked to Yoel about high school and how he needs to focus, (he's failing his core classes and he's on probation). I had a good night sleep that night, except that my body doesn't let me sleep for more than 8 hours grrr

Today was nice too. Watched the Adjustment Bureau with my cousins and I loved it! I went to olive garden for lunch with Anabel, Alexandria and her sister Francis, but had to leave asap cause I left yoel stranded at the barbershop. Then we went to their house, cleaned a bit and then I left at 5 cause my mom wanted to do some errands. After we cleaned and did all of this stuff, my mom took me to Menchie's to meet up with Diana. We had some ice cream and then we came to Yoel's to watch Meet the browns, still funny :p We didn't finish it with her because she had to get "closure" with Andres. I really don't get good vibes from him. I'm sure he's a good guy, but he's just not what Diana needs or deserves. I hope she makes up her mind soon because honestly right now I'm worried about Moises. He's been soooooo good to her and he doesn't deserve to be treated this way.

I know I'm in the mood for some lovin' right now, as in I miss the little perks that relationships bring, but more than anything I want to be single. It's uncomplicated and I don't need all of that drama in my life. I have to much to worry about and focus on and that is going to be the last thing I need right now.

What I need right now is Jesus. Please, never let me go.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Traveling

There's so much out there. When I see pictures of different cities and towns, to think that the backgroung and scenery actually exists....asdjsdghdklfgsd.

I have so much to learn. So little time.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

three things i know right now

I'm in the mood for a good night kiss.
I have homework that needs to be done.
I want to go on an airplane, to at least Arizona.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Breathe. Hold your tongue.

I came home from the gym today and I was already mad. Before I left, my stepsiter was cleaning the bathroom when it was clearly my turn this week. Now, I know that sounds ridiculous, why should I be mad? But the thing is that if the situation were reversed and I would have been the one cleaning it then they would have thrown a hissy fit about how I'm careless and irresponsible.
Anyways, when I came home, my stepdad started talking about how they didn't like almond milk and that they only drink 1%. FUCK YOU. Why? Because before when I wanted to drink 1% or something else he would always says "drink what we have and stop complaining, we ain't rich" yada yada yada.

Something stopped me from saying anything, though. I remembered what someone told me, "Learn how to pick your battles. Sometimes the best thing is to keep your mouth shut. Don't fight for something useless, and when the time comes, fight for something that really matters", more or less something like that. Then, I remembered who it was that had told me that: Mr. Barnett, yesterday at the Fairchild challenge (which I have to update on). Well, he didn't directly say it to me, but subconsciously it stayed. He's right.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

I'm just tired

that feeling when you make a milkshake to feel pumped up at the gym and nobody comes to the yard.

sigh.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Great chapters have to end in order for an awesome story that is twice as better to begin.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Good night

I finally know what I have to say. Marketa Irglova helped. She knows exactly how I feel.
I wrote to you in an email everything that's left to say. You're my first love and I can't just end it casually, not with someone as special as you are to me.


"But you never asked me to stay. And if you did, you didn't say."


I don't want to keep living in the past. I have to move on. My mind already has, but my heart is weak and fragile. It's silly and falls easily. But you're moving on and I must too. Every boy that comes along will always be compared to you. I'll never forget you.

It's time to pack my bags, though. The lights are out and I must set foot to my next destination before it gets too dark. But may I stay for the night? One last time? I promise to leave at sunrise, before you awake. No, someone ahead whispers. You must leave now. Any second longer and you'll lose it.

Good night.

Reasons why Canada is great?

They accept Dieticians to work with MSF aka Doctors without Borders!!!!!!!!!

GUESS WHO MOVIN' AND BECOMING A PERMANENT RESIDENT IN CANADA?

mmmmm

Valerie - Amy Winehouse <3

Monday, January 23, 2012

I keep thinking I'm doing better and then BAM something about you pops up and I go back to the same old feeling.

It's over. I know.

AW YEAUH

YOU KNOW SHIT GOING DOWN WHEN THE CHEETAH GIRLS ALBUM IS ON REPLAY

NIGGAH DON'T MESS WIT ME RITE NOW
I finished applying to North Carolina, Tennessee, and South Carolina. I called the USDA office today and they explained a few doubts I had and now all I have to do is wait for my transcripts to be perfect :x

I went to Hialeah with my mom yesterday and my daddy seems to be doing better. I told him to promise me that he would take care of himself; he did. I had a nice time with my sisters and uncle :) Before my mom and I got home, we went to Subway and ordered a wheat sandwich! But my stomach hurt after awhile :<

I hit the gym up this morning for about two hours and I feel GREAT. I'm just hungry now...

I have to do research for the debate competition this saturday, finish scholarship essays and all this other homework and junk D:

OH AND OMG GLEN HANSARD IS COMING IN CONCERT TO FLORIDA (with Eddie Vedder) AND I CAN'T MISS HIM THIS TIME. I CAN'T. I CAN'T. I CAN'T.

He's coming on Sunday, May 13th and I'm so so so so so so so so excited. Mah momma betta hook it up wit dem tickets ~

A nice lady once told me


When things start falling into place, and they feel right, you'll know that's where you're supposed to be.


I hope so, nice lady. I hope so.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Updating

I know it's really late, but I need to update because so much has been going on.

  1. I applied to Seton Hall University in New Jersey ._.
  2. I just finished applying to the University of Arizona o.o
  3. I'm on the debate team for the Fairchild Challenge O.O
  4. I planned my first field trip with French club and it actually might go through!
  5. Escarleth is on crutches :(
  6. My daddy's been super stressed, a nerve distorted and now his face moved sideways

I feel horrible about what happened to my dad. He called me when he was in the hospital and I didn't answer him. I texted him telling him I was at the gym but I never called him back. I really need to prioritize and organize my life, everything's getting out of control.

I need to do better in school, not that I'm doing bad, but I need to stay focused and not lose track of what I want. What is it that I want? To be successful and to love what I do. To be happy. To be surrounded by great company (i.e. family and friends). To love the college I choose. To be happy with myself.

I hope my dad gets better soon.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

The outsider

There's always that one person who feels like the outcast, like they don't belong. Usually this is seen in the "popular" clique, where there's that one girl/guy whose trying to fit in but yet he knows he'll never be a part of them because he could never be on the level they are.

Well, I'm kind of in the same situation, except in this case there is no popular clique, but more like the "intellectuals". I'm this group of bright and talent young individuals and I'm sitting here like "uhhhhh e=mc^2 and uhhhhhhh 2+2=4". Especially now that I'm in this debate team and everyone's talking about all of these things and I don't want to let anyone down but yet again here I am "uhhhhhh i have to go see a man..about a dog".

I hate that I've procrastinated so much, that I've left everything right up until the last minute. Where's all the motivation? Where's all my goals? Where's all those things I'd planned for?

Fuck. I'm graduating in less 5 months and I have no money for college.

Monday, January 9, 2012

OH

AND I started my healthier lifestyle today!

wo0o0o0o0o0o0 ~

I'm contemplating starting insanity, and I think I am ._. Wish me luck!

A quick post

I have so much to do right now, and God is tooooooo good to me. This is insane O.O

My mom told me today that Deyanira's husband cheated on her and left with the other lady. WUT DA HELL. I never saw that coming :o Everytime I saw him, though, his eyes seem sad. But how could he do such a thing!
(I hope that my uncle finally opens his eyes and maybe, perhaps in the future, something might work out between the two.... ^.^)

Secondly, my mom also told me that she called Diana's mom and asked her for the real estate person that helped them buy her home. She's considering in moving to Malibu Bay...hmm....
She always does this: starts making plans to move, starts bringing home boxes, I get excited, then she changes her mind and decides she's not ready yet, I get really sad, and then that's it until the next time she decides she wants to start moving.
I'm going to wait until she actually has a place in mind and starts contacting a realtor.

But...it would be sad to move. Not because I'm going to miss my stepdad/stepsister, but because I've made my room my nest. I've fit it to my needs and I can't just leave it behind...

But, with happiness comes sacrifices.

May God shine the path we must take.

Off to do hw!

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Go big or go home

I want to stop holding myself back. I want to either give it my all or give nothing. I want to not be scared anymore.

Another goal this year: face my fears.

Friday, January 6, 2012

John Donne and my broken heart

I hate knowing you're there and that I'm here. More than anything I wish to simply hold your hand. To feel your warm skin, to smell that distinct scent of yours.

I want to be in your arms right now. On quiet nights like these, I miss you even more than I can handle.

Casey Jones, after you, I will never, ever be the same. I may like, wish, adore, but love? I cannot.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Closure

My heart was racing and my armpits were sweating badly (I didn't know they could even sweat).
I was in the library, waiting for him to get there. I was freaking out and I was nervous and I didn't know what to think or expect.
A shadow came near me and asked, "Is this seat taken?". It was him.
I looked up, he looked better than ever. Or maybe it was that I missed him too much, but he looked extremely good. We hugged and maybe a little longer than we should have, but we did. His scent was still the same and I missed that smell so much. We sat down and I asked him how he was, something I'd rehearsed for hours the night before and all day today. He said he was fine and then I started sharing with him everything that had been on my mind. I told him that I did feel chemistry, just not an "emotional connection". We never got personal and he changes subjects whenever I say something that matters to me, and ultimately it's not his fault. I don't blame him. Unfortunately we'll just never have that kind of connection. Maybe I gave up on him too fast, because I recently found out (thanks to Diana) that I never fight for something if it seems like its broken. Nobody's perfect and we all have our flaws, so why did I give up? As the old quote goes, "If you let something go and it comes back to you somehow or someway, then it was meant to be."

Either way, religion played a major role in our relationship, and with all of the college issues present, things would have probably ended even worse. Hurt now, or hurt later?

After all our emotions have faded, I hope we manage to save our friendship. He really did brighten up my life. His optimism, his corny jokes, his laugh, his smile, his stare, I'll never forget. He loves me, I know he does. He loves me. He loves me. He loves me. He loves me. And the sad part is? I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him. More than I thought I ever could love a silly boy.

I LOVE YOU, DAMMIT.

Right now what worries me most is his sickness. He's really sick and I want to be there for him so badly even though I know I should probably keep my distance. Sigh. He said he would keep me updated, and I hope he does. I'm going to see him Monday though, I hope.

Talking to him today made me so haaaaaappyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. I can't even explain how happy I was. All the sadness went away. The pain? Gone. I felt....normal. That is until I realized I probably wouldn't get to talk to him anymore. You can't be friends with someone when you have feelings for them, it's not possible. Then came the sadness again.

But I have to move forward. There's so much to do and I can't stop and let the sadness take over. I won't let it. I should be happy I was blessed to meet him and spend almost 7 months of my life with him.

Please, God, let everything be okay. Let this disease cure itself. Please, please, please.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

OH AND UH

My mom is meeting the man of her dreams this year, she has too.

God listens. And I know that this year my mom will meet a man that will not only be her best friend, but her companion. A man that deserves her and that loves her with every cell in his body. A man that shows her that the other side of the grass is greener. When my stepdad and my mom finally part both ways, my mom will find that stability and love.

God, please, please, please.

Cheers to a new year!

I have been blessed to reach another year, and not just any year, but a year where many obstacles and challenges are going to be thrown my way. Will I handle them? God only knows, but I hope to do the best that I can.

To be honest, I'm shitting my pants. I have no idea what to expect and the last thing I want to do is disappoint my mom. I don't want my mom to waste any money on my education and I want to be able to achieve everything that I set my mind to. Someday, not too far from now, I will be a Nutritionist and I will help kids establish a healthy relationship with their food. My goal is to help those less fortunate in underprivileged nations and hope that their hygiene and environment one day becomes safe for them to have a somewhat stable home.

With the new year here, which I'm speechless because it took me by surprise, I'm going to start a list and actually go through with it.

Here's some of the things I have in mind so far:
  1. Have God in my heart above all and let him lead my life
  2. Lead a healthy lifestyle (aka eat healthier, workout, etc)
  3. Have a stronger relationship with my mom
  4. Have a tighter bond with my sisters and family
  5. Put more value, love and time into my friendships
  6. Fight for what matters to me
  7. Get as many scholarships as I can
  8. Focus on school and pass all my AP exams
  9. Have a nice, inexpensive trip with my mom
  10. Travel to NYC with Ana
  11. Route 66 with Diana
  12. Have a great start to my first year in college (ahhhh!!!)
  13. Always remember to be myself and keep in mind my goals
  14. Stop all of the fighting and hate I have towards those certain individuals
  15. Go to Nicaragua at least for a week to visit my family on both sides (especially Mama Aurita)
  16. Start baking healthier desserts and maybe start sewing again?
  17. More me time (bubble baths! ^.^)

Those are some of the things I plan on reaching this year. More than anything I want to spend time with my grandma's, my mom and reach a whole new level with God.

May this year be the best one so far. May this year bring many love, peace, and happiness to not only my heart and soul, but to my family and those around me.