Say something.

Saturday, October 31, 2015

This isn't about you anymore

I want to thank you.

It hurts to say those words out loud, because what I feel is not gratitude, not in the least bit. I feel pain. I feel the wound. I feel confused.

I am hurt. You lied.

But I am still here. I am still breathing.

Breathing.

So what am I thanking you for?

I am thanking you for opening up wounds I never knew were there.
I want to heal entirely, and now I can.

I am becoming whole. I am becoming one.

But most importantly, I am becoming whole and one through and in Jesus Christ.

Feeling all types of way

It was a world I never knew.

I had no idea.

The art. The passion. The love.

Geez. Why doesn't everyone know? How could I have been so blind?

As I walked in today to Michael's Genuine for the first time, I looked around and saw a packed restaurant. But quickly my focus was elsewhere--the food runners, the bartender, the pastry chef and the chef de cuisine...as I walked in to the kitchen, I looked everywhere trying to soak in as much as I could in five seconds before someone directed me to what I was looking for. In those five seconds, I felt all the passion, desire, ambition, creativity and love from everyone like I'd never imagine feeling. Even now, three hours later, my heart is still racing and I know that this is where I belong. 

I was nervous to start culinary school and worried about what others might think or say; but worse, I put myself down for taking this route, because I saw it as something inferior. I was so wrong. I waned to hand shake all the people involved in executing the meal, the crazies behind the meal. I noticed faces from the website where they mentioned the chefs that were working day and night to make sure everything ran smoothly. I was fan-girling and they were the celebrities. I felt unworthy to be walking and talking to them. Like, I'm nobody why are you smiling at me so much!!!


Today was my first day at Ella's and I can't wait to see where this new beginning takes me. I can't thank God enough for all the love, Jesus Christ I love you so much. Please never let me lose sight of you. And Alina, wow...she really didn't have to offer me this position, and she did.

Here's to feeling all the feels forever.

Monday, October 12, 2015

Supposed to

Timing is everything.

Maybe at a different time, when you were in a different place in your life, where things made sense for the both of us....maybe then it would have been nice to explore the possibilites.

Even now I wonder. I wonder what it would be like to see you smile, for all the light and passion to radiate out of you.  I wonder what it would be like to run my fingers through your hair, to see the sun rays dance in your eyes, to dance with you in the middle of the street.

Life has taken me on a crazy ride, it could have gone in so many different and yet...here I am.

Nervous, excited, anxious, overwhelmed, joyful, wholeheartedly going for what my heart longs.

You seemed so scared to give all of yourself away, nervous at opening up to those around you. You've been hurt, by those you trusted, by those you don't understand. All your life, trying to find your place in this world, never fully knowing where you were going or what was happening. And you've made it this far. Still lost, still searching, still hoping to be proven wrong.

I hope you let the light invade your dark spaces, I hope you still haven't lost all hope.

If timing is everything, why now?