Lately…

Just for the sole purpose of putting it out there, “homeboy” from last week added me on facebook on tuesday. But I wanted to make him pay…so I waited a WHOLE day to add him; yeah i know, HEARTBREAKER.

I’ve always wondered and I’m still curious to know what is it that makes two people decide that they like each other and they want to start a relationship. Is it this indescribable energy that flows as soon as you’re with that person, or this longing to be with anyone that you pick the one guy that seems to be interested in you? People always say that when the time comes, you’ll know who that one person is. But…relationships aren’t the same for everyone. Some people want to feel that burning passionate love, and others want to be held at night; some both. How do you distinguish one from the other? When the time does come, how do you know you wanna be with that person not because you wanna be held, but because you feel that energy, that connection? Do you feel it as soon as you meet this person, or does it gradually grow?

Fairytales and the media have taken charge on this issue. Disney movies have portrayed this certain image on how love really is (and Nicholas Sparks).  Is it really love at first sight? High school sweethearts that get married after high school and have the two kids, dog and white picket fence? Or that fateful moment that you bump into that person, your eyes meet and you suddenly realize thats the person you wanna spend the rest of your life with?

When a boy comes along, how do you know you’re making the right choice?

My best friend

Diana and I have been hanging out a lot lately. After the performance on friday, she came to my house and slept over. I made her an omelet at midnight ^.^ she claims it was good. After we ate I was falling asleep to "'say yes to the dress” and then she finally gave in and we went to sleep. Saturday we were being lazy butts and ate some breakfast and watched some tv. At about 1 we got ready to go see Rio (even though I wanted to see Water for Elephants –.-) and we looked so fly ~ I’m not gonna lie, it was a cute movie c: Then we went to taco bell cause I was soooooo hungry and Diana was too. Got me some fresco soft tacos from the diet menu, WASSUP. Then we picked up my momma, came home and chilled a bit and then went to Evos :D IT WAS AMAZING!!!! I loved the fries and milkshake<3 After we left, my mom really wanted to go to church cause it was holy saturday and we didn’t get out til 10pm, itz all good though. I really wanted to go sleepover at my diana’s, but momma said no. The rest of the night was bittersweet.

I’m getting two close to my bfffff, and it sucks. I’m dreading August when she leaves :( I’m gonna miss her so much.

Great day, somewhat.

I didn’t wake up any merrier. I was still upset about the stupid boy, cause I’m a stupid girl. I got up around 10 and ate some breakfast and cleaned around the house. I finished around 12 or something like that and my mom asked if I could go buy some tortillas and chicharones at this mexican super marker cause she likes how they make ‘em. I wasn’t gonna refuse, and I wanted to get out the house, so I didn’t refuse. My momma told me though to dress up cause I looked ugly –__- I didn’t really care how I looked, not like I wanted someone to holla at me anyway. But I listened and put on normal clothes and left. After I picked up some of the things, I went to get the cheese at the counter and this very attractive guy was handling my cheese. While he was weighing it, he looked at me and I smiled and he smiled back. Then I took the cheese and I went to go look for the other things. I saw him twice after that, once while I was getting some sauce and then when I was leaving.

My stepdad still thinks I’m a lesbian just because I hang out with my best friend almost every weekend and my mom’s starting to get brainwashed. Great. It’s not my fault guys aren’t into me, and the only ones who are aren’t decent enough.

I hate stupid boys. But most of all, I hate for being a stupid girl.

After I came home from those errands, I went and took a nap cause naps usually help me. At around two my mom came in the room and I noticed shadows behind her. When I oppened my eyes it was mi tia Juanita, my dad, mi tia Pastora and my two beautiful sisters :D I was so surprised and confused and happy! I was so glad to see them. We ate and laughed and talked and saw the heat game and then we went to Mi tia Luz’s house and then they dropped me off and my sisters and I promised to have a sleepover soon.

I love my seeesters so much <3

This is why I hate getting my hopes up

During our practices throughout the whole week there was this guy Tony. We didn’t really start talking to him (Diana and I) till Wednesday. He’s not the hottest thing in the world, but he’s really cute and nice and kind of funny. I wasn’t really thinking about him in  that way till Diana was all “oh he likes you…blah blah blah” But in my head I only kept thinking “how could he like me when you’re you, ya know?”. Any who, Thursday night it got to my head so Friday I was really hoping to talking to him and being closer, especially since Diana had predicted that he would ask for my number Friday night. HE DIDNT. She then predicted he would add Raymond on facebook, then add her and then add me to get to know me better. HE DIDN’T. He only added Raymond and then her. Which proves my theory that guys aren’t interested in me because they just aren’t. When a guy likes you, he will let you know. But they never do, so they don’t. Cool.

I hate getting disappointed. No expectations, no disappointments.

You can’t miss something you’ve never had, but why do I long for it so much?

how i spent my birthday night

It was a normal night for most. Studying for some, Calle 13 concert in Ecuador for others, but I spent my night empty and crying. Why? Let’s go back to where I left off from yesterday.

Right after I wrote my last post, I rushed to my room and got ready for my church rehearsal. I got there a little bit later than was said cause my mom was out buying some rick milk (WHICH IS SO TASTY) and was stuck in traffic ._. Anyways, I went to my best friend and she said happy birthday and continued her conversation on the phone. Then after a while rehearsal started and off we were. All of a sudden, I started feeling really crappy. Like an outsider in my own body. It’s not as if someone forced those emotions on me, or did anything wrong to make me feel that way, I just felt really lonely. Diana was with “Juan” and this other girl cause thats who she’s doing the skit with and then I was behind them cause I don’t mind being by myself. After a while, I think I started getting upset at the fact that I didn’t wanna feel like that on my own birthday and it only made things worse. Then once the rehearsal was over, I asked Diana again if she had wanted to come to my house to eat some cake and I sounded a little less enthusiastic cause I was feeling crappy and I didn’t want anyone over but I had already asked her before so I didn’t wanna be mean. But then she made it sound like she didnt ask her mom cause i never fully “asked her” and i told her it was because she didnt sound interested blah blah blah. The point is: she was distancing herself from me all night because on facebook on everyones wall posts i would write cute little comments and when I got to hers, which she spammed my wall, all i put was “i love you” and that she felt stupid for writing all that because it didnt even matter to me. WTF. Thats not even how I felt, not at all. I was actually really happy that she took the time to spam my walll –__-

It was really stupid. I Then as soon as she got it out of her system, she felt better and it was all good and we should move on. NO. ITS NOT GOOD. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. Which only made me feel worse and I wanted to cry right then and there. But I got to my moms car, and then the tears just came out. My mom asked me if she was coming and i told her no cause her mom was already there. And then my mom told me that her friend had made me a cake. I felt really bad cause I wasn’t in the mood. I got home and I saw the cake and I just went to my room and called her. She was already moved on, but I wasn’t. I didn’t understand, or I did but I wasn’t processing anything at all. I said I was frustrated and I would call her back in 30 minutes. I went straight to the floor and started crying. My mom came to my room and its like she knew we were fighting. We went to her room and I explained to her that I wasn’t even crying because of her, which in the end I wasn’t. I was crying because I felt empty, because I diddn’t wanna feel empty. My mom comforted me for a while and we talked a lot and I like it when we talk because she makes me feel so much better. I love her to death, and I hate that I don’t show her my love towards her most of the time, thats just how I am. It’s hard for me. Which is one thing we’re similar in.

Once I couldn’t cry anymore we went out to cut my cake and I took pictures and that was that. I still felt empty, but I tried to make the most out of my night. After all, I only had less than an hour left til the night was over.

I danced. I laughed at myself and i went to bed.

And that was that.

ITS MY 17TH BIRTHDAY!

I CAN’T BELIEVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wasn’t really all that excited, and even when I woke up I didn’t even think about it and just went straight to the shower. My mom came in and sang all these different happy birthday songs and I got out of the shower and hugged here all wet <3 When I went to my room she left me this beautiful card on my bed, and i love letters :’) My stepdad wanted to wish me a happy birthday, and I guess I was rude for taking my time cause I took to long and he had to go to work so he left and my mom got mad at me. Whatevs, I apologized. (she’s right though) Anywho, Anabel wasn’t on the bus and I was like “great, the one day a year its my  birthday and she’s not even here”. Alena got me this cute shirt and Ana sang mariachi :D then when I got to 2nd, turns out Anabel had missed the bus so she could surprise me by leaving my present at my desk. She made CHINESE RICE AND LO MEIN CUPCAKES!! Which sounds disgusting, but its actually not lol. Its just the design, its not really the taste lol. Alyssa gave me this cute lettter c: Then during lunch Leeann and Kensley made this delicious ALL ORGANIC COOKIES AND CREAM OREO CAKE!!!!! EVEN THE OREOS WERE ORGANIC!!!! :DDDD Lindsay made some DELICIOUS cakewiches :3 and last but not least, I went to sixth and I didn’t feel like doing work so I took a personal day off, lolz. Seems valid. Shelby made me this AWESOME CARD :D

AND MY MOMMA GOT ME DIS HELLO KITTY BALLOON WHICH IS SO CUTE AND GAVE ME A NEW IPOD WHICH I WASNT EXPECTING BUT GOD IS GOOD AND I LOVE GOD SO MUCH FOR ALL THE BLESSINGS AND PEOPLE HE’S SURROUNDED ME WITH, ESPECIALLY THE BEAUTIFUL MOTHER I HAVE<333333333333333

its only 6:47 and the night is young, so lets see how this goes. I still can’t believe its MAH BIRDDAY!!!!!!!

Ahh…seventeen.

Note to self:

I’m eating turkey chili right now, and it tastes like dog shit. Not that I’ve tried dog shit, but this is what I imagine dog shit tasting like. Not that I imagine the taste of dog shit on a daily basis…

DO NOT EAT TURKEY CHILI. EVER. MAYBE JUST REGULAR CHILI. BUT NOT TURKEY CHILI.

Facing It By Yusef Komunyakaa

My black face fades,
hiding inside the black granite.
I said I wouldn’t,
dammit: No tears.
I’m stone. I’m flesh.
My clouded reflection eyes me
like a bird of prey, the profile of night
slanted against morning. I turn
this way—the stone lets me go.
I turn that way—I’m inside
the Vietnam Veterans Memorial
again, depending on the light
to make a difference.
I go down the 58,022 names,
half-expecting to find
my own in letters like smoke.
I touch the name Andrew Johnson;
I see the booby trap’s white flash.
Names shimmer on a woman’s blouse
but when she walks away
the names stay on the wall.
Brushstrokes flash, a red bird’s
wings cutting across my stare.
The sky. A plane in the sky.
A white vet’s image floats
closer to me, then his pale eyes
look through mine. I’m a window,
He’s lost his right arm
inside the stone. In the black mirror
a woman’s trying to erase names.
No, she’s brushing a boy’s hair.

 

I read this poem in English class today, and at first I overlooked it and moved on. But then I had a question on one of the assignments that had to do with this poem and as Dr. Mendez was explaining it…tears ran down her face and her face was turning red.

Any kind of writing can have multiple meanings, and I might have interpreted this in another way , but this poem is dedicated to the lives that were lost in the Vietnam war, and not only them, but the family members that had to struggle with the reminiscent of the war: the loss of someone dear to them. This especially goes out to the special people that my special teacher lost.

“bright objects hypnotize the mind”

A Word with You
Elizabeth Bishop

Look out! there’s that damned ape again
sit silently until he goes,
or else forgets the things he knows
(whatever they are) about us, then
we can begin to talk again.

Have you tried playing with your ring?
Sometimes that calms them down, I find.
(Bright objects hypnotize the mind.)
Get his attention on anything –
anything will do – there, try your ring.

The glitter pleases him. You see
he squints his eyes; his lip hangs loose.
You were saying? – Oh Lord, what’s the use,
for now the parrot’s after me
and the monkeys are awake. You see

how hard it is, you understand
this nervous strain in which we live -
Why just one luscious adjective
infuriates the whole damned band
and they’re squabbling for it. I understand

some people manage better. How?
They treat the creatures without feeling.
- Throw books to stop the monkeys’ squealing,
slap the ape and make him bow,
are firm, keep order, – but I don’t know how.

Quick! there’s the cockatoo! he heard!
(He can’t bear any form of wit.)
- Please watch out that you don’t get bit;
there’s not a thing escapes that bird.
Be silent, – now the ape has overheard.

eight days

My birthday’s next week wednesday, and to be honest I don’t want to celebrate it at all. It’s not because I dredge the fact that I’m getting older, I’m just not interested in having a big shabang or a shabang at all. I hope no one remembers and I’ll pretend like its another day. I don’t want cake, or a party, or a shindig or NADA. Let’s all pretend that its NOT my birthday and move on to the next day.

I don’t know, I sound really depressing but I don’t care. It’s only another year, not like I’m 50 or something.

A few things

(I know this isn’t a poem, sort of, but It is indeed great.)

Things that confuse me:
Math equations. Break ups of my favorite couples. Books I’m too dumb to understand. Fifteen minutes of fame. The scent of flowers. The existence of Mondays. Classical poetry. The smell of coffee at this hour — you’re unemployed. Your side of the bed is empty. Where are you?

Things that make me mad:

Faded friendships. Mean people. Uncomfortable shoes. The familiar stink of public restrooms. Leftovers scattered everywhere. The ants that are feasting on them. Your dirty clothes on the floor. Coffee stains on my favorite table. The fact that I can’t find you right now. Did you leave?

Things that make me want to cry:
Films with devoted lovers who don’t end up together. Books with well-meaning protagonists who die in the end. TV shows with awful dialogue and unnecessary plot twists. Unbearably good poetry. Sad, bastard music. That first bite of wasabi burger. The sight of a packed suitcase by the door first thing in the morning. Or are you planning to?

Things that make me want to (sort of) die, or cry harder:
The thought of going to work tomorrow. The price of my favorite chocolates. Reading books that don’t interest me at all. Bumping into your exes. Seeing pictures of them in your wallet. Unresolved problems. Tabloids and the people who read them. Clubs — the ones that involve dancing and not talking, at all. The thought of you leaving. Did I say something wrong?

—

In this crappy apartment, we built a life that’s livable enough for us to grow together. Happy and somewhat normal. We’re not like most people—we feel too much and say too little. But we’re in love. Isn’t that enough?

We talked of planes and passports. We talked of memories—the ones we choose to forget, the ones we want to make, and the ones we regret. We also talked of the future—in some icy country, with huge backpacks on and not enough money. Never enough money.

Also, plans: building our library of songs, films, and books. Things that bind us together. I have wondered many times what would become of us without them. Then, I knew: We’d still be us. And this would still be great.

—

Things that make me happy:
Chocolates and junk food. Good films that make me feel like a better person for watching them. Good food that doesn’t make me feel guilty afterward. Songs that make me feel lucky for being alive. Everything that makes me feel. My decision to check the coffee table where there are plane tickets to Alaska. Remembering that our anniversary is today. Realizing that the packed suitcase by the door is in fact two — one for you, one for me. Most of all, you.

-Zet

National Poetry Month

On the first day of school, in English class, I noticed this really cool poster on the podium and it was about national poetry month. Once upon a time, I used to write and I used to love to write, but I’ve lost my touch. I’ve been in this writer’s block for a really long time and I hate it. I hate not being able to express what I feel and to keep it all repressed inside just because I forgot how to. But anyways, April is national poetry month and my teacher put up a new poster for the new year. And I’ve decided that it the funk won’t leave out of me, then I will direct the funk to the nearest exit. I’m going to TRY to write at least once a week this whole month in honor to all the great poets and writers out there. Also, I’'ll be on the lookout for great poems I read.

Starting…now.