My heart was racing and my armpits were sweating badly (I didn't know they could even sweat).
I was in the library, waiting for him to get there. I was freaking out and I was nervous and I didn't know what to think or expect.
A shadow came near me and asked, "Is this seat taken?". It was him.
I looked up, he looked better than ever. Or maybe it was that I missed him too much, but he looked extremely good. We hugged and maybe a little longer than we should have, but we did. His scent was still the same and I missed that smell so much. We sat down and I asked him how he was, something I'd rehearsed for hours the night before and all day today. He said he was fine and then I started sharing with him everything that had been on my mind. I told him that I did feel chemistry, just not an "emotional connection". We never got personal and he changes subjects whenever I say something that matters to me, and ultimately it's not his fault. I don't blame him. Unfortunately we'll just never have that kind of connection. Maybe I gave up on him too fast, because I recently found out (thanks to Diana) that I never fight for something if it seems like its broken. Nobody's perfect and we all have our flaws, so why did I give up? As the old quote goes, "If you let something go and it comes back to you somehow or someway, then it was meant to be."
Either way, religion played a major role in our relationship, and with all of the college issues present, things would have probably ended even worse. Hurt now, or hurt later?
After all our emotions have faded, I hope we manage to save our friendship. He really did brighten up my life. His optimism, his corny jokes, his laugh, his smile, his stare, I'll never forget. He loves me, I know he does. He loves me. He loves me. He loves me. He loves me. And the sad part is? I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him. More than I thought I ever could love a silly boy.
I LOVE YOU, DAMMIT.
Right now what worries me most is his sickness. He's really sick and I want to be there for him so badly even though I know I should probably keep my distance. Sigh. He said he would keep me updated, and I hope he does. I'm going to see him Monday though, I hope.
Talking to him today made me so haaaaaappyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. I can't even explain how happy I was. All the sadness went away. The pain? Gone. I felt....normal. That is until I realized I probably wouldn't get to talk to him anymore. You can't be friends with someone when you have feelings for them, it's not possible. Then came the sadness again.
But I have to move forward. There's so much to do and I can't stop and let the sadness take over. I won't let it. I should be happy I was blessed to meet him and spend almost 7 months of my life with him.
Please, God, let everything be okay. Let this disease cure itself. Please, please, please.
