I hate this

I don't know why I sound so sure of myself.
I don't understand how in the world I could be giving advice to anyone right now when I'm feeling completely different.

Fuck my emotions.

UM...

I think I'm going to Texas...

WAIT..

No, it's true.

OMG. IM GOING TO TEXAS. WUT DA HELL.

All I want for christmas is...

a wafflemaker.

Someone,anyone, please make it happen. :(

A new era

Christmas is coming! Christmas is coming!

I feel like I should be more excited, but I'm not. I need to get in the holiday spirit but I don't know how.

With new years right around the corner I haven't even thought about a new years resolution. BUT...change is happening. Right now.

Yesterday I had an appointment with a trainer at the gym (Yes,I'm starting to work out again). He gave me a 20 session workout plan that includes going to the gym 5 times a week to work on my arms, core, and legs. If I eat healthier and stick to the plan, in one month I should see results. Honestly, I don't care about my weight anymore. It does suck to step on a scale and see the high three digit number, but I'm not so worried about it anymore. I'm doing this because a) my mom was being a pain about working out and I'm fulfilling her request, b) I want to be healthier like I once was, and c) I just want to look and feel good. Nothing wrong with that, right? Well, change is inevitably occurring everywhere I turn. Good thing I love change! I am a little scared about the future, especially me being the kind of person that likes to know every step of the way, but I'm willing to be open minded and try out this new method. It's called "live the present".

I'm not going to be stuck on what if's, even though I'm still sad, and I'm not going to worry about tomorrow. TODAY I am glad to be where I am and I accept any challenge.

(Wow...I just read that a loud and I want to punch myself for being so optimistic.)

Anywho, I've got work to do. I salute the new era!

I started watching Being Erica again right from where I left off: Season 3. This season is about all the changes she goes through and episode 2 was about Erica breaking up with Ethan. Three weeks after her breakup, she still felt bad about it all and wanted to avoid the pain. Claire, the girl that married Ethan a long time ago, avoided the pain. She kept delaying it until she couldn't anymore and it ended in a nasty divorce. As much as she wanted it to work, it didn't. The lesson of the episode was that breakups are never easy, especially when you're not only losing a lover but also a friend. It's going to hurt, it's going to be painful, but in the end what you did is where you want to be. I can't go back on my decision, because as much as I want us to be meant for each other its not going to happen. I can want us to be friends, but thats not going to happen anytime soon. All I can do is nothing. I'm not going to avoid the pain anymore, I'm not going to set a time limit for when I can stop being sad because that isn't how things work. I'm going to stay here and move on until time eventually takes the pain away.

Thank you, Erica, for being there for me.

It's almost 1 am and I miss you.
I miss the sound of your voice.
I miss our talks.
I miss the bond that we had.

I just finished watching "Sex and the City, the movie" and I didn't cry.
I ALWAYS cry when sappy love scenes come on and everyone's happy, or sad.
This time, I just sat there, looking at the screen. No emotion.
My eyes got watery, but no tears escaped.
Why?

You didn't fight for me though. You didn't try to change my mind.
Just like Samantha said, it's a risk I'll have to take. Moving on.
When someone goes into a relationship, they of course wish that it would last forever. You don't go into a relationship hoping that it wouldn't last because then that would be a booty call or something else.

Of course I'm sad. I spent months trying to build my relationship. I spent months hoping that it would last. But it didn't. Here we are, both a part.

He's been in the hospital since Tuesday and I wish I could be there for him, but I can't. There's too much history, too much pain, too much love. I did love him, I did want it to work out, more than anything. I started thinking that maybe it was my past that prevented me from being completely happy, but that wasn't it. We're just not meant for each and I can't say anything else more than it sucks.

All the plans, dreams, life together is out. We're both young and maybe got to carried away, but it was an experience I will never forget.

Now is the time that I get back to focusing on my family, my life, my future, me.

Cheers to the new era. May I be single for a long, long, long time.

Relationships

On April 28th, 2011 I posted the following:

"I’ve always wondered and I’m still curious to know what is it that makes
two people decide that they like each other and they want to start a
relationship. Is it this indescribable energy that flows as soon as you’re with
that person, or this longing to be with anyone that you pick the one guy that
seems to be interested in you? People always say that when the time comes,
you’ll know who that one person is. But…relationships aren’t the same for
everyone. Some people want to feel that burning passionate love, and others want
to be held at night; some both. How do you distinguish one from the other? When
the time does come, how do you know you wanna be with that person not because
you wanna be held, but because you feel that energy, that connection? Do you
feel it as soon as you meet this person, or does it gradually grow?

Fairytales and the media have taken charge on this issue. Disney movies
have portrayed this certain image on how love really is (and Nicholas Sparks).
Is it really love at first sight? High school sweethearts that get married after
high school and have the two kids, dog and white picket fence? Or that fateful
moment that you bump into that person, your eyes meet and you suddenly realize
thats the person you wanna spend the rest of your life with?

When a boy comes along, how do you know you’re making the right choice?"

Be careful what you wish for because my journey went around its full circle and came to an end today. I asked a question and it was answered. What is it that makes two people want to be together? It's this never-ending desire to find that person that completes you. I know that sounds ridiculous since we're all born whole, but there's this part of us that longs for another individual to come along and change the ballgame. The longing for someone to step into our world and be able to comprehend one another in a level never imaginable. The warmth of another human being penetrating you, the touch of someone else's skin on yours, the eyes that search yours for a deeper connection, the hand that traces the puzzles of your hand, the feeling that there's someone out there dying to see a glimpse of your face one last time before the night ends.

Casey and I are no longer together. I don't know if I made a mistake, I don't know what's going to happen now that it's over, but it's over. I didn't want to do it; I was scared...confused. I wish and I badly want to be that person he belongs with, to be the girl he needs. I wish he was the boy I was destined to be with, and I wish things were differently.

I never thought the day would come where the us that we once were would be blown by the wind. Slowly I saw your eyes, looking for a hint of desperation or a sign of pain. I saw a child being told Santa wasn't coming this year. But you also didn't fight for me. You sat there, in silence as I unfolded our future. You let me go. You said that I'd made up my mind and it looked like I couldn't be swayed easily. But did you try? No. I'm not that girl, I won't ever be the girl that you'll love with all of you.

I won't ever regret meeting you. You unlocked some things I never knew I had in me, like the possibility of finding someone to even understand an inch of me. Or the fact that I even found someone to love me and not use me for sex.

His sister deleted me on facebook and it hurts. I didn't think his family would delete me from their lives so easily. I knew they weren't going to be accepting and throw me a party, but to take me out in a matter of seconds? I wasn't expecting it.

My intentions were never to hurt him. I just didn't want to let this go on further when it would hurt even more later on. Our goals, our plans are too different and so are many other factors that would complicate things even more. Hurt now, with a dose of pain? or hurt later with massive withdrawal symptoms?

I hate knowing and accepting that I'll never be a part of your life again, that our story is over. That everything we shared is gone...that it's now a closed book to be put away on a shelf, ready to collect dust. I hate realizing that what we once had we will never have again. The bond, trust, respect, maybe, that we once shared is now gone. It's gone. Our story is over. That, is something I won't be able to accept so easily.

I wish I was yours forever. I wish you were mine and no one else's. But I can't be selfish. I can't.
God, please help me. Please help me move on... I know this won't be easy, I just didn't think it would be this hard.

Casey, if you ever read this, and maybe you won't, but I do love you. I wish that we were meant for each other, and maybe someday we will. It's hard for me right now, trying to move on, trying to find a balance, and I can't. Every thought of you, or your family and the life we once shared makes me upset, makes me cry, and now seems like lifetimes ago. Don't forget about me, please. Because I sure won't.

P.S. I finally cleaned my bookbag just like you asked me.

My butt hurts

Which is probably why it’s all saggy.

I’ve been sitting at this computer since 4pm and I’m tired. I’ve been working on the music playlist for Escarleth’s quince since Saturday and I finally finished right now. I HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT.

BUT THEN THE LIGHT WAS JUST SOME ASSHOLE FLASHING HIS FLASHLIGHT.

BECAUSE I GOTTA FINISH ONLINE SCHOOL. WOOOOO ~

Things have changed

After Casey and I met each other, I knew things were going to change. I started giving my family more importance and I decided not to go away for college, as in out of state. I guess meeting Casey had something to do with it, somehow putting our relationship into consideration.

But I don’t want him to change his plans because I came along, and I don’t want myself in that position either.

Which is why I want to go to Arizona for a few days. I want to visit the University of Arizona to see if out-of-state is what I really want, and I also get to visit my aunt which I haven’t seen in years.

I don’t want to regret later on or think of what would have happened if I gave myself that chance. I want to know I’m making the right choice for me, and no one else.

I need to do this. I’m going to ask my mom tomorrow and hopefully she agrees with me, which I doubt, but I’m going to try.

thanksgiving break, etc

Thanksgiving day was yesterday.

I finally managed to get out of bed at 10am and it turns out my stepdad and stepsister were going fishing. I didn't go cause I had so much to do, baking wise ;) I ended up making the easter potatoes thing, pumpkin chocolate chip cookies and sweet-n-salty brownies :D they were really good! While I was doing the cookies, I was skyping a bit with Stephanie Castillo. I really miss her and I wish we were more involved in each others lives. We text often but that's not enough to maintain a friendship.

While doing all of this, I was watching Jumanji on telefutura because we still don't have cable, and apparently it's going to stay like that for awhile D: I asked my mom for netflix again and she said yes :3 I hope nothings changed too much with that.

After I was done, Diana called me and told me that Frank was going with us to the Buddhist temple. I was like "waaahhh". He didn't end up going though, thank the Lord )or Siddhartha)! It is so pretty at the temple. Vibrant colors everywhere and gold thai statues of the buddha. Such serenity everywhere you go, and the people are so friendly. Never judging you and never asking you to leave or what you wanted. Before entering the temple you had to take your shoes off. There were monks (bald and in orange "dresses") walking around everywhere. I always knew it, but the main focus of buddhism is happiness. No matter what you did or where you went, there was always this interior happiness without the materialistic objcts attached to it that everyone wanted and was looking for. It was such a great experience and I'm glad I got to go. We were late for the festival though, maybe next year :/

I came back home at around 4 something and then soon my mom came home and then my steppdad/stepsister came back from fishing. We got ready and left to my uncles house. It was a good time celebrating with them, I hope we don't just reunite for special ocasions. I'm going to try to make these reunions a bit more often. My stepdad and stepsister got into an argument about how she was eating too much and so she left crying. Apparently they had eaten before they got there. Later on she was acting all spoiled and selfish and I didn't like it one bit and of course I didn't stay quiet. Yoel and her started practicing for her dance show she wanted to have at the party. Yol didn't want to do it at all. We went home at about nine and then I was so upset and angry, but my mom calmed me down. I love my mom so much, no matter how much we fight or disagree she's the most beautifulest and amazing woman I have ever met. I'm so thankful and grateful for her. She's come along way but I think she's finally getting to that inner happiness she's always wanted.

My stepsister wanted me to read her a bedtime story and so, angrily, I went to her room. I talked to her about how I didn't like this little attitude she was giving my mom and me. We made up and then I read her a story and she fell asleep. I came to my room and I was texting Casey but then he said he was playing video games with his friend and cousin so I didnt text back as soon and somehow fell asleep.

I'm happy and I know that I don't need him to live and breathe, and yesterday at the Buddha temple I was okay with him not being there. But I miss him, and right now it's his hugs, his kisses, and his touch that I want the most.

but anyways my stepsister is ready me a story right now so I'm gonna stop being rude.

yep. BEST BIG SISTER EVER

aw :'3

My stepsister just made me breakfast in bed :)
She came in with eggs, rice, and una arepa. It was DELICIOUS.
She said it was because she was thankful for everything I've
done for her.

Ah, breakfast...in bed. If only a certain someone was here
to share it with me ._.

Um

I think I just ended my friendship with Diana.

I'm tired, I'm stressed, I keep putting time and effort into this and don't receive the same in return?

That's cool. Maybe one day we'll both be mature about this, but for now good night.

I lost my best friend. Just like I knew I would.

Funny how (not really funny) how "good riddance" by greenday came on when it was over.

A sign? Maybe. Time will tell, though.

Now that my stepsisters here…

My mom is her “second mom”. She does all that a mother would do for her daughter and she actually seems happy, my mom does. And so does my stepsister.

Yesterday, she went to go buy her some uniform and then with my stepdad to go buy some school supplies. Then today she went to go pick her up at school and then some other errands. Made us lunch. All this other junk. I think its cute. My mom always laughs at all her jokes and she’s actually into all that stuff that my mom is like doing her nails and makeup and doing hair.

It’s nice that she’s here. The house isn’t as quiet as it used to be. The gaps are filled and now she’s here watching what I’m writing. Good thing that she can’t read english :p

LOL, she said something funny today. There was this roach or something and she started yelling and then was all “COMPADRE TRAIGAME EL ARME”

lmao.

Have I mentioned this before?

That my new stepsister just arrived and that now we’re bonding together all the time and that she’s so funny and cute and raw and I love her.

Yep, I do. :)

I was really scared and nervous cause I didn’t know how she would be or if she would be anything like her sister, BUT SHE’S NOT. She doesn’t even like her half-sister, Lorena. Which is funny cause neither my mom nor I do :p

ANYWAYS, right now she just told all of us that my mom is like her second mom and that I’m like her sister :’)

ISN’T THAT ADORABLE?

Did I mention that she’s funny??? And cute??? I want to take her to the movies on friday…we’ll see!

I'm never certain about many things

But right now, at this very moment, I'm certain about this:

If we were to end soon, out of nowhere, I would be devastated. I've never had anything stable in my life, and I have tried not to let it get to my head that you might not stay here forever, but I have this slight hope, this ounce of naive-ness in me that hopes you might stay here for a while.
I would eventually move on, it would be hard and I would miss you and your family that's become my second family, and I would miss your smell, I would miss the look you always give me. Those light brown eyes that stare right into me, knowing that there's this burning love between us. I would miss the way you always try to get me to slow dance with you, that even though i really want to I stop myself. I would miss how you tell me I'm beautiful and that I'm the only girl for you. I would miss our late night talks about everything and nothing. I would miss you. You. Your patience. I'm difficult, full of contradictions. But in the end, I would be thankful. Thankful I had the chance to meet you and have you a part of my life, even if for just a while.

I know where I want my life headed and I know that it's because of God. I don't know how everything will play out, but I do know that it's going somewhere and that I will help others just as I've been helped in return.

I love my mother. Period. She's so beautiful and inspirational and I couldn't have asked for more. Thank you for never giving up, Mom. Thank you for always fighting things out and wanting to improve yourself. Thank you for your unconditional love. For always being there for me. For trying to be both my mother and father and finding ways to have a better life for ourselves. I wouldn't be here without you and I'm so happy that you've finally found that inner peace that you've always wanted. And its because of God that we're here, together. I love you so much, both of you. The only two stable people in my life, I will always be eternally grateful to you two.

I wasn't gonna, but I feel like I need to or I'm gonna blow up

Before I start, I picked my senior quote! I was going to end up putting "why not?", but I decided not to and went instead with this: "If some people manage to break free of the box, what makes you think I won't?". Sadly though, now I want to go back and add "try" at the end ._.

ANYWAYS,
I feel like shit. All day I've worrying about stupid crap that I shouldn't be worrying about and I hate it. I hate this! I'm only seventeen, I shouldn't be worrying about silly little drama right now.
The thing is that apparently Yessenia thinks I'm mean and probably doesn't like me anymore because of the whole french email thing, according to Anabel. I talked to Casey about it and he told me that Yessenia was all mad at him all the time now and that he asked her why. She said all this stuff and now I'm all wtf. She has him every other day, AND HE'S MY BOYFRIEND! I understand they're friends and "bros over hoes" but we still have equal amounts of time with him. And they still text! More than he does with me!

I don't understand the problem,...and I want to talk to him cause today I told him to go with her and then he didn't have lunch with me and ended up going somewhere else. Why is he being so immature?
-___-

The problem is that I don't want Yessenia to be mad at me, I want him to share equal amounts of time, and I want him to say what's on his mind dammit! We need to discuss how we share our time with each other and ourselves. I get that he wants to be with me, and I wanna be with him too, but I don't want this to happen. I don't want him to forget about this friends, and I don't want the same thing happening to me either.

Ugh. Maybe I was better off single. Maybe everyone was right. I sure as heck would have been done with online school by now...

Today was a great day! :)

I woke up this morning and was feeling kind of “bleh”, but it was mostly because I was tired. Four hour sleep, ftw! We went to Sacred Heart for mass at 8am and then we got home at 9 and started doing some chores. After that I talked to Casey for an hour and my poor baby is incredibly sick :( I wish we could have spend the day together so I could take care of him. I wouldn’t know how to make him feel better, but I could have tried to make him some decent chicken soup, hot lemon tea, and while we cuddled we could have watched some star wars. I miss him and I hope he gets better soon :(

Anyways, Anabel called me and told me that we were going homecoming dress shopping and I was like “fuuuuuhhh”, cause I was planning on doing online school all day –.-

BUT, we went to dolphin and looked around and then I realized that I probably wasn’t gonna find my dress there. Anabel had seen this add in International Mall about this chain store called “Group USA” that had bridal dresses and all these other kind of formal event dresses, and luckily Anabel’s dad didn’t find anything at Dolphin so we went to International. (Btw, I got this cute dress at Forever 21 but it doesn’t look good on me D: and Anabel, Cachi, and I got some cute matching socks :P)

I’ve never had that “falling in love at first sight with something” moment; BUT I HAD IT TODAY. I FOUND THE PERFECT DRESSS. IT’S PERFECT IN EVERY WAY. The color’s a soft pink, “blush” to be exact, and the design and style and everything is exactly what I was looking for. BUT, I felt like my arms looked really nasty and I didn’t buy it. We left to other stores and tried on some other dresses and looked around at Macy’s and we found this black one. It looked really good on me and I liked it, I admit; but it wasn’t the pink one. It wasn’t the perfect dress. I was sooooo disappointed, I just felt like I had something perfect and I couldn’t have it. But why not? Why did I have to settle for the black dress? It was a really nice dress, but it wasn’t the one I wanted. Cachi flipped a coin and I got tails.  All signs were indicating for me to get the black dress, but I didn’t want it. While I was trying it on one more time, the penny fell. I looked down and it was heads face up. Right then and there I knew I had to go find it, that was it. I went back to the store, almost running and really happy. I bought the dress :) And the price was perfect too! $69.99!!! (The black was $149.99) I noticed when I got home that there were some imperfections, but it didn’t matter. I had found the dress for me :) And my arms didn’t even matter anymore to me, it felt okay.

Anabel decided she wanted to go to Homecoming too and that added to my happiness :D We’re thinking about renting a limo and getting 2 other couples so the price would be reasonable for everyone. Maybe Shelby, and a possible date? ;) We’ll see! We went to dinner and there weree some fine ass guys there….HOT DAMN. But I miss my boo <3

AND MY SEEESTERS TOO!!!!! We gots to hang out soon

Pride & prejudice w/ colin firth

Downtown abbey

Boardwalk empire

All I want..

is for this friggin’ printer to work.

to find mah dang senior quote.

to finish friggin’ online school cause its ruining my life.

for Mr. Haney to be forever alone.

 

and all I wanted was for my boyfriend to come over and cuddle :c

IS DAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?!?!

Apparently. Apparently…

Now I’m home alone on a saturday night. I’m just tooooo cool sometimes –.-

I’m not even in the mood to do anything anymore..

I’m the big bad bitch.

I, apparently, sent out a very nasty email last night to the French club members and I am now the big bad bitch.

I decided that I’m no longer sending out emails, it wasn’t even my job to begin with. Whatevs. I called Tammy and told her to take over since she’s secretary and whatnot. SO NO MORE MARIA LASHING OUT AGAISNT NO ONE.

I went to Michaels and bought the jar and ribbon I needed for my gift to Casey. Then I went to Walgreens to buy the candy (m&ms, gummy bears that turned out nasty, lifesaver gummies, and yogurt covered pretzels), and lastly to publix to buy funfetti and brownie mix for Leann’s cupcakes!

I am determined to finish online school, to not continue to waste another minute of my life, to do more productive things, to be a better person, to love more (especially to those that are worthy of it), to forgive, to move on.

My mom just came home from a Mary Kay meeting, and she makes me so proud. She’s so beautiful and smart and she’s always wanting to better herself. No matter what, she’s always out there trying to give it her all, trying to find ways to achieve her life’s purpose. She never gives up, she never loses hope. And when she gets down, she never loses her faith. Imagine that. Not conforming and settling for anything, and yet the world wants to turn against you….but my mom always finds a way to prove everyone wrong. I know she gets moody and temperamental at times, but I wish to be like her. A woman thats always on the go, always learning new things, always appreciating every little thing she has. And she never complains. Never whines about her getting too little or the short end of the stick. I’m no walk in the park, and for her to wanna even feed me I’m surprised.

I love you more than anything in this world, Mom. YOU are my hero and the best thing I have <3

Senior quotes

 

What do I want to be remembered as?

What motivational quote defines me and my future?

I aint even know ._.

"The horizon is out there somewhere, and you just keep chasing it, looking for it, and working for it." Bob Dole

Conformity is the jailer of freedom and the enemy of growth.
- John F. Kennedy

Ya’lll…wuz going on?

Is it break-up season, or is it just me?

I dunno. Some strong lasting relationships have ended and I’m kind of scared.

It’s not because I’m doubtful of my relationship, its just that those that you expect to last for a considerable amount of time have now ended and I’m left here in awe.

I love my baby though so…

“Love don’t pay the bills”

“I would call you up every saturday night and we’d both stay and sing "heeere we gooo agaiiin”

Yesterday, I went to iHop with Ana banana, Shameka, Alyssa, and Roxanne. I had a great time :) S

 

 

And now 1973 has been forever stuck in my heaD.

“awaaaaaaaake my soooooul, awaaaaake my soooouul…”

I found out today, through Steph, that Casey really likes Mumford&Sons…when she told me that I think I cried a little inside :’) I think I fell in love with him even more

Today was an interesting day. Took a quiz in Barnett’s for AP gov and I think I aced it ;) Then in Kott’s class for AP calc we reviewed some things and I thnk I did pretty good on my quiz there too. After class, Shelby and I walked downstairs and then Casey and Sophie were waiting for me already by the main office so we could go do our thang for French club. The treasurer wasn’t there so then we went to Cayo’s class and apparently Cynthia and Tammy are in there :D Kids had already brought in money to pay for their French shirts and then we started discussing French club stuff like the whole T-shirt issue, money, blah blah blah. When we left to go to Blanco to go turn in the money that we had, some girl left his office crying and he made us go look for her –_- he got so pissed when we came back and told him we couldn’t find her. But luckily once we went to go find her again she was by the stairs, still crying, on the phone with her boyfriend and around her friends. Assuming from the weed on top of Blanco’s desk, the girl had been doing some sketchy stuff. Anywhoz,went to Seward’s class and then I asked to go to Mendez to pick up my essay and she told me to go Remmen to ask her about the Gates scholarship and it sounds SO GOOD so I’m definitely applying :D I did some French stuff on the computers in class and then the bell rang so I went to go meet up with Casey by the vending machines because Steph and I were going dress shopping for homecoming! He never got there, and it turns out he was in the officer with Pearson so I went to go look for him and then I saw Ms. Donna there so we started talking and she’s so cute and awesome lol. Casey finished and I said goodbye and we left. After we dropped off Casey and his mom at the car dealer, Steph and I went to Dadeland and the car ride was really nice. It got quiet at times, but I didn’t mind the silence. I had a really good time trying on all those dresses and bonding with my sis-in-law :) Unfortunately we didn’t find anything so then we were on our way to southland. We talked a lot actually and she even told me about her past relationship and all these other things. It twas’ not awkward at all. I really wanted to spend some time with Casey though so I told her I didn’t think we’d have enough time to go to southland so went to his house and we hung out for awhile, but it was too short ._. I miss him already. I miss him too much. I never thought this would happen to me oh mah damn. My mom got to his house pretty fast so I said goodbye to everyone and he dropped me off at the car and I wanted to kiss him goodbye but then steph came out and I feel uncomfortable with people watching me so I got in the car and we left away.

Now I’m home. Excited about this scholarship, a little sad about not spending time with Casey, but overall I’m great. My period came today and I had some pretty bad cramps but they’re gradually going away. I’m going to go finish online school now…yay.

Lend me your hand and we'll conquer them all
But lend me your heart and I'll just let you fall
Lend me your eyes I can change what you see

I seriously need to update this….

I’m downloading the Big Time Rush album as I speak…

I’m da cooliiiest ~

The member of the wedding

I love this movie so much. It’s too good.

I liked it more than I thought I would.

 

‘I think I have a vague idea what you were driving at,’ she said. ‘We all somehow caught. We born this way or that way and we don’t know why. But we caught anyhow. I born Berenice. You born Frankie. John Henry born John Henry. And maybe we wants to widen and bust free. But no matter what we do we still caught. Me is me and you is you and he is he. We each one of us somehow caught all by ourself.’

They are the we of me.

:>

Casey and I were walking towards Seward’s classroom in south campus when he suddenly told me he had to ask me something. I always panic whenever he says that, I never know what he’s gonna ask.

“Will you go to homecoming with me?”

My reaction: “Really? You wanna go to homecoming?”

Lol I’m ridiculous.

But I said yes :3

Later I realized that this probably means I need a budget for the dress, shoes, accessories, and I have to think about my hair…AND DA TICKET.

…yup. 

Aww…

Tia Luz is too cute. She called me and left me a voicemail telling me how much she missed me and wanted to talk to me :>

Love you tooooo :*

They were once enemies

And now they’re the best of friends.

I’m slowly watching as my best friends goes into the arms of someone else. She promised everything would be the same between us, I guess she meant the same as before. So long best friend, so long. I wish I had the effort to keep fighting for our friendship, but I always end up the jealous bitch and I’m tired of it. Too bad you don’t even notice it.

bitchez be trippin’

I got an A on dat test ~

NOT A D.

On a sidenote, Mr. Blanco listens to Jack Johnson. How weird/cool is that?

Lolz.

i feel too emotional today

the weather is perfect enough to watch Elizabethtown

But I can’t. Must..finish..online school.

It’s been awhile and I should update

Let’s start with last weekend, Saturday to be exact.

September 17th : My cousin Leyla from my dad’s side was visiting from Nicaragua and she was only in Miami for a few days. My dad called my mom and asked her if we could meet up because she wanted to see me, it had probably been more than 5 years since the last time we saw each other. That day, things got complicated and my mom and I ended up going to Dolphin mall at around 8ish at night. I was kind of nervous, but a little anxious at the same time, because I hadn’t seen my dad in a long time. He hasn’t called me or anything to make sure I’m alright and whether I need anything. But he’s still my dad and I wanted to see him. He didn’t show up. Ever. He dropped off Leylita with his ex-wife, or whatever this lady is, and he was nowhere to be seen. I was so upset. How can he not show up? Its not like we see each other every weekend or talk on the phone. Its not like we keep in touch, so why did he not show up? Why doesn’t he care? It really hurt me. Another thing that hurt me was that my own boyfriend didn’t even bother to ask how it had gone. A whole day of communicating as if we were strangers, and not a single time did he call me or even ask me how it had gone the night before when he KNEW I had gone to see my dad and he KNOWS how much it would have meant to me. I talked to him about it on Monday at school and Monday night over the phone. We sort of patched things up, that wasn’t the only thing that had been on my mind.

September 20: My one month anniversary :3 We said our “congrats” and said our good nights a few minutes after midnight. I honestly didn’t think it was a big deal since it was our first month, not like it was our first year or something, so I didn’t get him anything. That day I had made myself two sandwiches cause they were so good and I hate being sleepy and hungry in school. When I see Casey walking up to me, he had a box of chocolates and a card in his hand: for me. I was like whaaaa..you shouldn’t have. Really, cause I didn’t. I improvised and was like “aw, well I made you a sandwich…:)” Ooops. After school his mom took us to the movies and we went to see Lion King in 3D and then he wanted me to get a bite to eat but I don’t like wasting his money, he’d already done so much. We ended up going to Starbucks and I got a double chocolately chip and he got a strawberries n cream thing. It was toooo good. Then we played patty-cake and then he took me home and good night kisses :*

My stepdad comes back today. I was supposed to go pick up Yoel at 1 (today’s early release day) and then take us to taco bell and have the 5 dollar box. Then I was supposed to visit my turkeys and pick him up. My bus driver picked us up really late and school, my mom chickened out and didn’t want me to go anymore and that she would pick him up and that means no taco bell for me :(

I hate that she doesn’t trust my driving. I know that she’s worried about the other drivers, BUT WHAT ABOUT ME? A lot of my friends have a car and how come I  can’t be trusted?!

Shows I must start/catch up on

• Being Erica
• Modern Family
• The Office
• New Girl

yup

hmm.

I’m extremely drained right now; emotionally, physically, mentally.

I’ll post later about everything that’s been going on.

onlineschoolonlineschoolonlineschool

Things are never gonna be perfect

I’ve got to accept that. They just never are. Something will always go wrong because conflict is apart of human nature. Right now, I have an exceptional mother, a wonderful boyfriend, an amazing family, incredible best friends (even though I haven’t talked to diana in the longest), great aquantainces and hopefully everything goes well in school <3

My dad’s not here, and that was his choice. But I didn’t make it any better by losing the effort to care. He’s a lost soul and hopefully someday he’ll come to his sense. I’ll always be here waiting for him, waiting for him to realize that he has a daughter, and a son out there, and that he needs to change. Not just for me, but for himself. Wherever it is that you are, I love you dad. I really do. We’ve had our ups and downs and I can’t help but still love you. After all you’re my dad and somewhere deep inside of you is a loving father, I just know it.

I’m so happy!!!!!!

I found my cousin Aury and Mila on facebook :D !!!!!!

Now we communicate and keep in touch and and and…

Maybe I can go to new york before christmas and see my cousins since Mila’s going up there…or after? Who knows but im so friggin’ excited :)

Oops

I realized that I show more affection and love towards my friends than my boyfriend.

.__________.

I’m so sorryyyyyyyyyy

I don’t know whats wrong with me. I love him, I do. My mindset is still on Strong-Single-Independent-Woman status. I don’t forget I’m not single anymore, but I sure as heck need to get it together before mah man starts noticing that I AM neglecting him in a way.

Balancing school + online school + college requirements + family + friends + boyfriend is no joke.

Why do I always put him last? He means so much to me, I need to get it together D:

I love you, and thank you for being so patient <3…so far

I’m so frustrated

And I want to cry. I want to stop everything. I want to go to bed. I want to eat a whole tub of ice cream without regret. I want to cry some more. I want to go to sleep. i want to pretend I don’t have to do anything.

…

I’m gonna go finish online school. ._.

collegecollegecollege

I MUST FOCUS ON SCHOOL.

FINISH DANG ONLINE SCHOOL.

HAUL ASS. HAUL ASS. HAUL ASS.

i feel like a football player…

._.

Is it too much to ask?

All I want is to go to college, get a good career, have a great job, travel the world, read many books, listen to all these genres and amazing talented musicians, eat lots of food, meet interesting people, wear comfortable clothes and shoes, and live a happy life full of self-love and God’s love.

That’s all I want.

Is it so wrong to want to try so many things?

I donated blood today for the first time today! It went great :D I was a little nervous at first and when I saw the needle I started to get nervous, but I didn’t feel a thing and I didn’t feel dizzy or anything. Alyssa almost passed out though, she turned super pale and started feeling nauseous. She was a trooper though :)

I don’t know why I feel the way I do. Sometimes I miss you, sometimes I wish you weren’t here. Sometimes I want to talk to you so badly, sometimes I want to be by myself.

I know we’re just young, but you have a strong feeling about us, more than I do. I wish I believed more in us, more in you.

Exactly. Exactly…

I heard what you said. I’m not the silly romantic you think. I don’t want the heavens or the shooting stars. I don’t want gemstones or gold. I have those things already. I want a steady hand, a kind soul. I want to fall asleep, and wake, knowing my heart is safe.

Shana Abé

I love you. I really do.

I’m a product of two people who have lost all sorts of affection for each other

Must.

Prof: Did God create everything?
Student: Yes!
Prof: If so, then God also created evil. Therefore, God is evil.
(A student stood up and ask)
Do dark exist sir?
Prof: Yes! It does.
Student: Dark doesn’t exist. Dark is only the absence of light. Just like evil, it is only the absence of God in human’s heart.

Ya feel me?

I look at all these people and I’m like damn, I need to get in shape.

But then I see food, and I’m like damn maybe tomorrow.

\m/

First-timer

I had my first kiss yesterday…several times :p

But I’m horrrrrrrrible D;

I love Mrs. Stuck

APUSH! I would go on this website every other day last year

Yuuup. It’s official :3

Should I have denied it or accepted it?

:p lol jk.

<3

God

“Home is whenever I’m with you”

I’m ready to come home. I’m ready to come back to you.

I love you so much sdflkjdkler please forgive me

10 points for my daddy!

And his way of cheering me up :D

Lol @ him watching disney channel when no ones home.

More Lol’s @ him talking to sylvester the cat every single morning

and last lawlz at him always saying something funny/mean about my mom and her sisters “grupo pies descalsos”

lol i feel better and hopefully now I can finish this dang report!

Lately

I’ve been taking things day by day, slowly. Which is great, don’t get me wrong, but I’m a woman that needs a plan. I’m a woman that needs to know and have things set for the future. Not planning out the entire days of my life, but having some sort of goal, something I need to accomplish. Like a list! I love lists, lists are wonderful. You write down what you need to do and then you do it whenever it is that time reaches you. But lately, lists haven’t been made, again, and things haven’t been accomplished, again. I’m tired of sitting through the days without a plan in mind, just laying there. I hate it. I’m still going to take things slowly and play it as it goes, but this time I’m going to know the lyrics.

Lately, I’ve been focusing on myself too much. What I want, how I feel, what I think I need. It was almost never like that. I never used to take into myself into consideration and I used to focus my time and attention on the rest. I’m starting to see the problem though, I’m always at an extreme, there’s never a balance or an in between of where I need to be. I need to focus on myself and give myself that time off, but I also need to think of all the individuals surrounding me and take them into consideration. I’m not the only one with emotions and troubles. I sometimes forget I’m not the only one that has a bad day or suddenly been struck with the blues.

I’m going to have an invisible chart and set some time individual bonding time for my mom, my sisters, my family, my friends, my main squeeze, and myself. No more sulking around letting the blues get the best of me, time must not be wasted. There is much needed to be done and I need to take the reigns of this horse.

I’m going into my senior year of high school, the last year of secondary school, the big 1-2…and I don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to be doing. I’m behind on all these summer assignments, online school isn’t going anywhere, I have all these stacks of books waiting to be opened, there’s a list of movies I still need to watch, and I have no clue on what I’m doing for college. But I’m going to stop complaining and wondering and actually gonna do something about it. Little by little, everday, I’m going to do a little bit of everything. Maybe I’ll even start to sew again, its been awhile. And of course I’ll be able to do it! Why? Because I’m setting my mind to it. No more slacking off.

Jamaica/Grand Cayman Islands

I CAN’T EVEN…SDFLSDFJKLDJFKLER

Best trip EVER. I had an incredible time with my family, and this trip made me reconsider moving to Michigan for college. I love my family so much and its trips like this that made me realize that I wouldn’t want to spend months away in the cold without hearing from them. So much changes in a second, imagine in the time being away from them? I can’t do that to them or myself. My sisters are starting high school and so is Yoel. This is a crucial time in their lives and so many changes occur and I don’t want to be far away from them. I need them in my life, and I hope they need me to. Chris is starting the fourth grade and he’s a great kid, why would I push myself away from them? Not just them, but my mom too. All my friends, and possible future boyfriend?

I think I should stay here. Maybe Miami has more to offer than I thought…

You

I’m gonna stop being cocky and stop thinking about other “options”. You’re here right now and thats all that matters to me. I like you, a lot. I care about you and I would never hurt you on purpose. I’m sorry that I don’t express myself sometimes and that I don’t say whats on my mind, but I like you and I want you here right now.

I like that you don’t care what people think. I like the way you try to protect me. The way you try to be funny, which in the end is even funnier. Your cheesy jokes. The way you hold my hand and those random little kisses. Our last minutes we have together you usually spend it talking about something random. How you always try to make me laugh. Our super late late night conversations.

Why do I keep thinking of other guys when I have you right now, and you’re worthier than any guy I know. You may not be buff and tough, but I don’t need that to make me happy. I thought I did, but thats just physical and I shouldn’t care about any of that.

You make me happy. You’re the guy in my dreams. You’re the one that I miss late at night. You’re real. You’re here.

And again…

Virtual school is left behind.

This is bad…very bad. o.o

Updating

My last post was on July 23, and I can't remember what it was about...

ANYWAYZ. I should probably update my blog. A lot of things have been going on and tomorrow I leave to Jamaica (wassup ;D) and I need to blog before more things happen.

I shall start with my personal, intimate life(lol):
Hmm...things with Casey have been going smooth and steady. We're still friends, but obviously we're not just friends. We've been talking almost every night on the phone, except for the past two nights, up until 4am and the conversations have been nice. I've learned more about the kind of person he is, a little bit about his childhood and shared some things about his family and how they are. In a nutshell, he's opened up a bit more. I've opened up too, but of course I don't get all cheesy and lovey dovey cause we're still friends and we're dating and we're NOT official yet so I try to hold back a little. It slips out though at times ._. I know he likes me and and enjoys all the times we talk, but what about my flaws? He hasn't seen the other side of me, the emotionally unstable, moody, impatient, desperate, lazy, annoying, irritating, bitchy side of me. I come with a package, no correction, I come with a whole set of luggage with too many tricky pockets in between. Will he learn to accept those flaws? He likes my good side, can he be okay with the bad?
We're going to Bayside today, I think, and I haven't seen him in two weeks. We only talk at night and in the mornings/afternoon we do our thing. To me, it seems as if we're not apart of each others real, daily lives yet. We've created this separate realm which we enter once it hits nightime, where our reality goes to sleep. When will we start becoming apart of each others reality? Our real lives?

Its hard to keep a balance between letting someone make you happy and not depending on that person to make you happy. I don't want to forget my plans, my goals, my dreams. I have things I want to accomplish, and I don't want to change route or plans just because someone comes along. Yes, I can't be selfish anymore since I'm in a "relationship", but I have to stay on top of my game.

Now, on to my personal, not intimate life:
Denis Eleazar is in a coma. I feel sympathy for his family and all, but I don't feel sad. I know he's my cousin and all, but I never got around to knowing him on a personal level like that. Everyone's praying and hoping he gets better, and I'm not saying that I'm not, but I just don't feel it. I've tried too, I really have. He's a really nice guy and he's not a snobby bitch like my uncle's other kids, so I really like him. He's real and honest. I do hope he gets better soon.
Ever since tio Noel left to Nicaragua, I've always wondered when I'd see Sebastian and Alexis again. They would always come to my house on weekends and we'd spend time together and it was great. But they disappeared and I never heard from them again. This week, I came to tia Maritza's house but it took me a while to finally decide whether I should come or not. What led me to come was that I couldn't be home for a week doing homework and having lots of time to think about things; thinking's bad and I need to keep myself occupied, so here I am. Apparently, God had bigger plans for me, for all of my family. I don't usually pick up the house phone, but on Tuesday around noon the phone rang and I picked up. It was Beverly, Sebastian and Alexis' mom. She wanted to talk to tia Maritza about tio Noel, so I gave her my aunts cell and that was it. I wanted to say so much, to ask about my cousins so badly. But I didn't. I stayed quiet. I was just another voice on the phone. I called tia Maritza and told her what happened and asked if it was okay that I had given out her number, and she was fine with it, actually said she was glad I did. Tio Alcides called me later and asked me what she had said (word had spread around that Beverly had called) and wanted her number. When tia Maritza came home she was talking to her on the phone and they had decided that they would go to her house wednesday night to see them again. Tio alcides/Ivania/Ivan/Escarleth/Abuelita Eva/Luisito/Edward/Tia Maritza/Me all went to Pompano Beach at 8pm on our voyage to reunite with our long lost cousins. We reached the house and it took a while for someone to answer the door, but Beverly came out and then Sebastian. When I finally saw him, I got a little emotional. He looked like the same little boy except so much taller and mature looking. He used to be so tiny and and now he's taller and bigger than me. Everyone was so excited and happy, we didn't know what to do and say but to keep staring at him. He looks IDENTICALLY as tio Noel, as if someone put his face on this boys body. I thought he wouldn't want to open up and be distant and cold, but it was the opposite. Of course the conversations were limited, but at least he tried and he smiled a lot :) My uncle wanted to kidnap him and they all wanted to take him right then and there, but I told them to come back down to earth and think about it. Its a lot to take in for one night and Sebastian needed to process things and decide with his mom what they wanted to do next. They saw my viewpoint and agreed so we parted afterawhile and then on our way back home.

Yesterday was great. My aunt came home early, around 3, and we quickly packed up for Yoel's birthday party and were later on the road. First, we went to this warehouse where they sell super cute bathing suits and at a really good price and my aunt bought me this pretty pink polka dot one, and I don't like polka dots, but it looked really good one me c: Now though she wants to return the one she bought me at Target and I'm like..uh..no. Lol jk, sorta. I drove all the way to homestead and let the fun begin. Yoel's cute friends were there, oh and Jackie and my dad too, when we got there. Jackie and I catched up a bit and started eating and getting bloated, not cute. Harry came later and started talking about he was depressed ever since his girlfriend and him broke up. Lol @ guys being sad and lonely, but I feel for him. Poor guy, really. After Escarleth finished eating, I drove us to my house to pick up my contacts and a cute shirt to wear for my date on friday. Then when we came back, we got in the pool and played some water-volleyball with my cousins and tio Pablo, lol he's too funny. Sebastian looked like he was having a great time :) Yoel got his whole face and hair full of cake, muah ha ha. Then slowly everyone started leaving and Sebastian decided he wanted to stay at tia Luz's house, which is completely understandable since she has a pool, so much video games and entertainment and her house IS HUGE. We came back happy, happy that Sebastian is finally with us and that we get to spend some time with him as we get to know each other more and hopefully he trusts us enough soon to build a strong relationship. I miss Alexis, though. Where is she? I only saw her in picture and supposebly she's still at her grandma's....somethings fishy.

I can't wait for all the things coming up in my life. Unfortunate events will always happen, and thats life. But along with all of the tragedies, more than pleasant surprises always manage to squeak in.

I've had many ups and downs in my life, but thankfully I was blessed with a wonderful mother and a terrific family to keep me grounded. Shit always happens, but in the end...if there's shit, that only means there's a horse somewhere.

Contradicting

I’ve always said money isn’t everything, especially when it comes to happiness.

But why am I choosing it instead?

CD’s

I went to Starbucks this morning cause I had spare 30 minutes and I decided to buy the new Death cab album. AND GUESS WHAT? THEY DIDN’T HAVE IT. SFLJK.FDGK

I did get a java chip frap, but nothing else. No cd. No nothing. I guess I should download it over the internetz ~

Old english assignments

I remembered a poem I had written a long time ago about a boy, any boy, while  I was “all up in my feelings”, and i found it again.

It goes with what I’m feeling, in a way, right now. Here’s the ending of it:

He’s a cliffhanger to some,

But most of all to me.

I plan on seeking the clues to his riddle,

That much I can guarantee.

Is it worth the challenge?

Are you all you seem to be?

Monday, June 11th 2011

My first real date.

Ah yes, the morning felt like any other. Nothing out of the ordinary. The usual cleaning crew were cutting the lawn, my mom was out at the gym. My cousins were somewhere out there either sleeping or eating breakfast. Others were getting ready for their day of work.

But me.

I had to get up to get ready for a very important day.

I didn't want to make a big deal about it. I wanted to play it cool, and just pretend a couple of friends were hanging out, which in essence that's exactly was going on, but this was different.

I cleaned the bathroom, made my room tidy (and thanks to my mom she sort of cleaned it since I had been gone for awhile), got laundry done, changed my comforter/bed sheets, etc. The plan was that Casey would get there at 4 and leave at 9 since my mother thinks any other time would have been late, but things happened differently. Apparently, his parents forgot that today he was supposed to come over and they made plans to go to the beach, so the time was changed to 6pm. I was fine with it, I had enough time to get my hair nice and unfrizzy and look for a decent outfit. Since I had to cancel Diana's and I plans for tuesday, I picked her up to go to walmart cause I needed to buy some things for the smores cookies and a new hand mixer (finally!!!). Diana decided to tell the whole walmart that I was going on a date, oh AND the whole parking lot. I love her so much, but please don't do that again sfjsfgkdngdj.s,j. Anyways, I got home at around 4 something and it turns out my mom didn't want butter, she had wanted sour cream >.< I had to go out AGAIN to buy sour cream and it turns out Casey now changed the time to 5 so I didn't have time for anything!!!! My hair looked like frizzy shit thanks to the humidity outside, I changed three times and went back to what I was originally wearing and forgot to change back to my strapless bra, so my straps kept showing probably, *sigh*.

I was brushing my teeth and he called me and said he was outside parking. I went outside to tell him where to park and found myself literally melting, i felt so nasty. I saw him and it was like he'd always been there. I hugged him and then said hi to his mom and then met his dad (who is incredibly attractive for a man his age). They came into my house and then they said a quick goodbye and left.

I'll finish in the morning cause I'm writing tooooooo much fluff and I need to go to bed!!

july 12 2011

I'm exhausted, its 1:29am and I NEED to go to sleep. Tia Maritza and I were bathing suit shopping today at the Sports Authority and Target and we decided to start going for runs every morning. My dumbass self said 6am -_- WHY. WHY. WHY. I'm gonna be so tired in the morning. But it should pay off, it has too...that bathing suit and skirt my aunt got me are too cute to look all jiggly in.
Oh and today were the Edward's and Luisito's swimming lessons and Ivan goes there too meaning Jackie/Escarleth came along and we catched up ^.^ and don't get me started on those sexy lifeguards ;D

Oh and my uncle Luis bought me chicken nuggets from Arby's and I got a heart shaped chicken nugget :p

hmm...what else....oh yeah, the reason why I needed to blog this late. I'll make it a seperate post.

WOW...I really AM tired ._.

I have my passport in my suitcase, my suitcase is in the guest room.
All I ask is to travel, somewhere far, could be near, but please...anywhere.

At this point

I have this desperation to be anywhere but here. I want I need to go somewhere, a trip of some sort, preferably with a plane ride in between my departure and arrival but I won’t be picky.

Please…I don’t want to be here.

Sigh. I know its not gonna happen.

Him

What do I like about you? Anabel once asked me what made you stand out from the rest, and I keep thinking about it. What makes you so special? You're smart and funny, but I have friends that fit under that description and I'm not dating them

Maybe it's the way you look at me, as if there's no one else in the room. The way you say my name. How you can always seem to make me feel better. How one conversation with you can make me forget everything. Our silly fights about nothing. That you listen to everything I say and don't complain that I talk too much. That you give me the space that I need and aren't too clingy. The way you say you love my beautiful smile and that's all you want to see.

If only you weren't so dependent of your mother. If only you made your own decisions and didn't have to ask mommy for everything.

Haven't posted in awhile...

I've been back on tumblr lately, but to rant/post about unimportant things of my life, of course.

Sunday June 26th

• went to the beach with my best friend and family for my Grandma's au revoir party. There was a boundary line separating the nude beach from the public eye...lol I still thought it was funny.
  
• Diana stayed at my house for awhile and we talked while the rain whistled softly against my window
  
• I got the courage to talk to Casey; I didn't want to but I was about to move on and I didn't wanna move thinking "what if i had said something". He apologized for not saying anything and then we talked for about four hours
  

Monday June 27

• Casey had suggested a movie night the day before and he couldn't come to my house cause his parents didn't let him go to someone's house if they didn't know the parents
• My mom didn't feel comfortable with the fact that I would be in his house when she didn't know anyone
• He wanted for my parents and his family to have dinner together, UH NO.
  
• My mom and his mom talked on the phone and she basically implied my mom was an irresponsible mother and I was some desperate girl for taking innitiative. His mom also said he didn't want his son to get distracted and that she didn't want us to be more than friends; nothing formal, nothing serious. Yay \m/
• I told him we should just stay friends but he said I was misunderstanding everything and that I was worth fighting for and that he wasn't gonna give up so easily
• Found two awesome dresses at Macy's for $9.99 each, WASSUP. Got a cute necklace for $1.99. HOLLA
• Diana came over again and I'm so glad she did cause I was down in the dumps.
• Sex and the city + best friend + cloudy day/rain = luckiest girl <3

Tuesday June 28th

• Senior pictures :D The photographer Manny was so fiiiiiiine, but Michael has my heart <3
• Picked up yoel at summer camp and took him to his baseball game, he's the youngest and best on the team :')
• Ate some strawberry italian ice cream, cheddar cheese soup and macncheese from tia Luz's house
• PRETTY LITTLE LIARS
• Almost went to the movies to watch the Transformers premiere but tia Luz said it was too dangerous

Wednesday June 29th

• The rain woke me up :')
  
• made some double cheese, egg and bacon biscuits
• attempted online school, but bought my school books instead and window shopped online a little
• Grandma might go to D.C. and I might go with her :D
• Came back to Tia Maritza's house, and she got a new comforter and its soooo good to me :>
• great talks with my aunt while cooking with her
• going the distance + casey on the phone
  

mmmm

I made some double cheese and bacon biscuits.

Now I’m really tired and lazy and feel all sluggish and online school gets the boot.

I need to work on my priorities >.<

My uncle J.P

My uncle Miguel wants us al to hang out tomorrow with my grandma and my uncle J.P  suggested this place. I’ve been asking everyone and no one knows what “this place” is –_- My aunt finally texted me though, and its this normal regular beach. But for my uncle J.P. to recommend this place, that means its REALLY good.

I searched it up lol…it’s a nude beach.

Should I tell everyone now, or should I wait to see their faces?

Ah what the heck, I’ll just wait to see their reaction. It’s their fault anyways, why would they trust him in picking the place?

Lololololol

Nevermind I couldn’t hold it in and told my aunt.

:')

Rain + Lord of the rings = BEST AFTERNOON THIS WEEK

yesyesyesyesyyesyesyes

http://theswhlnkristabel.tumblr.com/post/6747364661/dearestmaryze-kelvinween-harry-potter

Recipes I MUST try as soon as I get back home!

http://www.keepitsweetblog.com/chocolate-chip-cookie-dough-ice-cream-bars/
http://www.asweetpeachef.com/chicken/chicken-parmesan/
http://www.runningwithtweezers.com/food-styling-sandwich/
http://www.overthehillandonaroll.com/2011/06/gruyere-grilled-cheese-with-prosciutto.html
http://tastejunction.blogspot.com/2011/06/go-green-spinach-spaghetti.html
http://www.the-baker-chick.com/2011/06/caramel-filled-snickerdoodles.html
http://www.singforyoursupperblog.com/2011/06/21/oreo-stuffed-brownies/
http://somekitchenstories.com/2011/06/20/chocolate-mug-of-sadness/
http://somekitchenstories.com/2011/06/10/holy-crap-smore-cookies/
http://blogchef.net/mashed-potato-bowl-recipe/
http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/2YACg2/mingmakescupcakes.yolasite.com
http://chocolatecoveredkatie.com/2011/04/27/worlds-healthiest-chocolate-chip-cookies/
http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/1KZmIS/www.flickr.com/photos/bettycrockerrecipes/4595758178
http://passthesushi.com/celebrate-fathers-day-boston-cream-pie
http://www.browneyedbaker.com/2011/06/16/creamy-macaroni-salad-recipe/
http://www.howsweeteats.com/2011/06/no-bake-smores-bars/
http://www.girlcooksworld.com/2011/06/peach-melba-parfait.html
http://www.52kitchenadventures.com/2011/06/15/smores-cupcake-ice-cream-sandwiches/
http://www.kevinandamanda.com/recipes/dinner/cheeseburger-macaroni.html
http://www.melskitchencafe.com/2011/06/smoked-turkey-club-panini.html
http://mamagrubbsgrub.blogspot.com/2011/06/skywalker-smoothie.html
http://mamagrubbsgrub.blogspot.com/2011/06/banana-peanut-butter-smoothie.html
http://www.bluebonnetsandbrownies.com/2011/06/16/savory-tomato-pie-recipe/

I'm speechless

One simple dream and my aunt hit all the bad habits I have.

I took a small nap cause I was feeling sad and a little down and I dreamt that I was sleeping and that my aunt had come home from work and made some food and rice and she told me to check on it because she was gonna go to sleep. I overslept and I quickly ran to the kitchen to see that everything was already made and that the rice was gone so I went to her room and she was extremely upset. She said that she was so upset and disappointed that I ruined dinner and didn't help her at all and of course I was upset and then I woke up and I was so worried but I realized that it was just a dream.
I told my aunt the dream and she immediately told me I had insecurities. I was like "uh, yeah,...but what about specifically?". And thats when she told me everything.

She started talking about how I should believe more in myself, one of the keys to happiness. That I can do anything that I set my mind to. She said I set high expectations for things and then I push myself towards the goal and when I don't make it I blame it all on myself and get depressed (which is soo true, cna testing along with everything else thats ever happened to me). If others can do something, why can't I? I can do anything, I'm not stupid and just because a door closed on me, theres other doors available. There always are. I don't depend on anyone to make me happy (which is me getting depressed and going to sleep had everything to do with it). She used this comparison: I have a phone and I use it and its good to have, but I don't need it. If it breaks or I lose it, oh well. It was good to have but I can get another one. A boy doesn't like me, oh well, I'm gonna find one who does. And in regards to Luisito not paying attention to me, that's not my problem, that's his. I'm just here to do my job and the best I can and whatever he does or doesn't do is his problem. I did the best I could and I should be proud of that.

She told me this story about a set of twins and her mom. One twin was pessimistic and the other optimistic. The pessimistic would cry whenever the sun would go to sleep or when a bird would come by because he was afraid that it would bite him. While the optimistic was always happy and jumping around and high on life. The twins' birthday was coming up and the mom was debating on what to give them for their birthday. She decided she was gonna give the pessimistic one a horse and the optimistic one the horses shit. She thought that by giving him the horse it would improve his negativity and so she went to go check on him. When she went into his room he was crying and she asked her son why he was so upset. He said he couldn't believe that was his horse, that it just couldn't be his. The mother reassured him that it was. But he still couldn't believe it, and he couldn't accept it. She felt like a failure at that point and went to go check on her other son. When she opened the door, he was jumping around and dancing and throwing the crap in the air and was so happy. She asked him why he was playing around in that. The little boy told her that there was horse crap in his room and that meant that there had to be a horse somewhere waiting for him.

I can do anything. I'm pretty, I'm not stupid and I'm not dumb. I should never compare to anyone else because I am my own person. It's not the outside that matters, so what I'm not thin or I don't have big enough boobs or other people look better, its the inside that matters in the end.

I am worthy and I am good enough for anything and anyone. I don't have to be pleading around to be loved, people have to be looking up at me. My aunt said this, I was born here in the United States and I am a united states citizen that's almost done with high school and after high school I'm gonna study my brains out and work so hard and I'm gonna be done with school in five years. I'll be a great professional and I'll have my own job and I'll travel with the person I chose to be with. And the rest, whatever.

So what Lindsay Lockwood and other girls have high gpa's, who says I can't get into a good college? I can do anything and I will do it. Maybe I don't have a high gpa, but thats not the only things that colleges look at. I have so much to offer and I will show the world

Casey doesn't determine my happiness, but his company is appreciated. I will stop thinking its too good to be true and actually enjoy the moment. I will stop setting high expectations on myself and others and just do the best that I can and the best I can be.

I will believe in myself because I'm great, I'm beautiful and when I smile I look even better.

This is a long journey but I'm ready, I'm so ready to make this change and help myself get through all these uncertainties.

:')

http://passportandsuitcase.tumblr.com/post/6774122151/tia-maritza-is-sooooo-great-i-wish-i-could-have

Monday, June 20th 2011

• Luisito came into my room, turned off the air and woke me up at 10am...oops I overslept ._.
• Made the boys pancakes, banana shake and cut up some fruits
• watched spongebob while we ate breakfast
• watched the middle/ending of 500 days of summer
  
• Luisito got a headache and I was feeling hangover oddly so I decided we all go take a nap
• the nap didn't work out but I was resting so it was all good, and a little bit after it started raining :3
• lunch: chicken, rice, beans, broccoli
• watched how to train a dragon, fell asleep and then someone was banging on the door: it was Escarleth dropping off my grandma
• According to my grandma, I hurt her feelings all because I said "its weird that now people start caring that I'm all by myself when I'm old and used to it" and she got "offended" and she doesn't even wanna talk to me because according to her I don't want her here
• picked mangos from the garden with my tia Maritza
• sorta watched the time travelers wife, but i didn't wanna get into it cause I would for sure start crying
• onlineschoolonlineschoolonlineschoolonlineschool
  

finally talked to my cookie

but then my aunt came and gave us life lessons and then everyone else came along and then maria luisa had to go study so we didn't talk as much as I wanted to :/

rub a dub dub time!

I left my flip flops at diana's house so I brought my water shoes to take a shower \m/
Word.

Sunday, June 19th 2011

• woke up at around 9:30 and got ready for church with diana
  
• talking to Josue is really unnecessary, glad he's out of my life
• diana dropped me off at my house after church
• quality time with my momma :)
• Tia Luz's barbecue and I got to go into her new pool!
• visited Diana for the last time this week at subways and bought three cookies, and she gave me two extra :>i love her so much it hurts <3
  
• went back home, changed and then Luis and tia Maritza came to pick me up.
• here...now....a whole dang week....yuup. I wish someone would call me or get skype or msn messenger or something...
• :(
• after i took a shower i all of a sudden had the urge to talk to someone, more specifically casey. It was one of those nights where you feel all lonely, not saying I can't make myself happy, and it would be really nice to talk to someone else, not a friend but someone more than that, ya know?
• we talked from about 12:30 til 3:30am. It was great ^.^
  

Saturday, June 18th 2011

• woke up at around 10 and watched the ending of Princess Diaries 2, a little of The Prince and Me, but really ended up watching Because I said So
• Laundry, cleaning my room, packing for the sleepover at Diana's and my aunts house
• bubble bath and did all mah lady things
• got dressed and ready to go to diana's
• ate lasagna, chicken, mashed potatoes, salad, and dessert at Diana's birthday dinner
• ended up going to Kaffe and Jimmy got me in, him and his fine self ^.^
• danced my happy self from the moment we got there til we left (11-1:45ish)
• i really wanted to get Jimmy's attention, I don't know what came over me. And he came over a couple times to ask how I was okay or kinda dance and then walked away cause obvs he's really busy being a promoter and all and besides he's probably 22-26 which is too old for me. But he was still oh so fine
• these guys were trying to holla at me and diana, even us sent us roses, but they were practically pedophiles with how they were looking at us and being too old
  
• Miccossukee after that with Diana, Ramiro, Rosa and Rosa's cousin lol he's so weird. you have to be 18 and older to be there and it was funny that Diana now being officially 18 kept getting asked for her i.d. and I wasn't even looked at :p
• we decided that our "going out" names were gonna be Gaby (Diana) and Erica (me)
  
• got home at 4am and didnt officially go to sleep til 5am cause I had an epiphany and then Diana started talking to Frank and it got heated, whatever.
  
• Epiphany: Confidence is key. What do those other girls have that I don't? You can't be apart of the game if you take yourself out, don't sell yourself short. I'm gonna stop hiding under all these layers of clothes. I started awhile ago with makeup (i rarely use foundation anymore, just mascara, concealer under my eyes and mascara) but now I gotta start loving myself for who I am and accept that my body is the way it is and God made it that way. I'm gonna improve my self-esteem issues, I'm gonna.
  

Friday, June 17th 2011

• woke up at 9am again, but today I'm tired cause my grandma did snore last night and I went to sleep at 2am texting Casey, so its partially my fault.
• gave the kids cereal, strawberries, bananas, and cherries
• phineas and ferb!
  
• online schooll..
• Tio Pablo called me today from the airport, he's going to Santo Domingo. He claims he loves me, remembers me all the time and that I'm his favorite but I'm sure he tells that to everyone. I kinda hoped he was more responsible and that my mom would trust him enough to let me go with him, but that would never happen
• more puzzles!
• Luisito didn't wanna eat his soup, super stubborn
• shopped at Costco with my aunt, ate pizza & a smoothie
• homeeeeeee <3
• made myself a sandwich: bacon, spinach, mozarella cheese, tomato with seasoning and had some organic chocolate soy milk :3
• talked til midnight with Anita and then wished Diana a happy birthday
  

Spontaneous decision

I want to go to disney world this summer. Magic Kingdom to be exact. Before summer hopefully? I'm gonna beg and plead and hopefully my mother will let me :|
Should it be before Jamaica, or after? Hmm...I don't know thats too far ahead, but I wanna go to Disney World.

Please? :/

WOOOOOOW

I was checking my email right now and guess who I received an email from? eHarmony.com telling me to "find a great relationship" through their fast website -_-

WHAT. CAN A HOME GURL BE SINGLE? DANG

Thursday, June 16th 2011

• sleeping wasn't too bad, I didn't hear my grandma snore all night! Success
• woke up at around 9am, took a shower and made breakfast for the kiddies
• did homework with them
• ate lunch: carne desmenusada, pureed broccoli, beans and rice
• found a secret stash of oreos :o bye bye healthy lifestyle
  
• nap time :3
• watched spongebob with them!
• virtual school :(
• watched the premiere of pretty little liars, better late than never :D
• tia maritza made me some awesome chicken noodle soup!!!!
  

R.S., I'll never forget you

All you gave me were memories to look back on, memories to get lost in. But me...I gave you a piece of something that I always keep sheltered. As stupid and cheesy as this sounds, yes...I gave you a piece of my heart. But this piece wasn't huge or anything near that, it was small..maybe the size of a grain of rice. But ever since you took it away, things haven't been the same. I compare everyone to you and I don't even know that much about you to compare them to you, but I do.

And on days like today, its your picture that I like to stare at. It's your memories that I look back on. It's our future that I had planned for us that I think about.

But that's all you'll ever be now, a memory. Someday you won't be the boy next door anymore and you'll move out and find someone and that someone won't be me. I know now what it's like to have a one-sided relationship. Thats what we had, didn't we? The feelings were never mutual, they never were.

Thanks though, for all those memories. It makes me hope, makes me wonder, gives me that push to keep on waiting.

That girl you're with right now, probably right at this second, she's lucky to have you. As she's in your arms right now and twirls your hair around her fingers and feels your heart beat, I hope she knows she was blessed. As she kisses you good night and whispers those last few words before you go home, I hope she holds on a little longer and loves you like you're meant to be loved.


(Omg...I need to do virtual school. I can't get more depressing and pathetic than this -_-)

In regards to Tuesday's post

I realized that I was/am a complete bitch for saying all those things about Casey. He did all those nice things for me, even wanted to pay for my lunch, and how do I repay him? By talking shit about him...I'm horrible and I can't believe I went that low. Yes, he may be a momma's boy but it's not entirely his fault, that's how he was raised and how he is and I can't change that and I shouldn't want to either. He's been so good to me all this time and the least I should do is be happy that he's not some jerk trying to take advantage of me. He might be taking his time and not doing things at "normal" speed, but whats normal anyway? At least he gives me space and isn't around all the time and he's respectful and all those other great qualities he has. He may not be a man yet, but I don't think I'm a woman yet either. I'm still a girl, and I'm trying to grow up way too fast. I need to slow down. I'm only seventeen and I guess the time for a "serious relationship" isn't here yet and I should accept whats being offered to me. Maybe along the way we'll both mature and the young relationship will blossom into something neither of us expected. But for now, we're still learning, especially when neither of us have ever been in a relationship and we both don't know what we're doing.

Casey, if you ever read this, I can't express how sorry I am for being so selfish and only thinking about myself and not even taking into consideration how you might be feeling. I'm really trying to change all this bad habits and I want this to work but I get a bit impatient sometimes, more so when things don't go my way.

Wednesday, June 15th 2011

• woke up at around 9am
  
• gave the kids their breakfast (pancakes, strawberry shake)
• ate some eggs, tostitos, strawberries
• the kids were doing their work
• watched wolverine (it was great c:)
• been in a depressing mood all day, but joined my cousins in their nap and I felt refreshed when I woke up, Thank you God!
• on my aunts laptop, supposed to be doing virtual school but i'm always slackin' ~

Tuesday, June 14th, 2011

 

• made some Rasberry ripple cupcakes (yum!) and i added some chocolate chips :)
• Went to the zoo with casey
• Everyone said it was a date, but i denied it even though secretly I knew it sounded like it. I asked him if it was just gonna be us and he said yes, and then he brings his COUSIN. What?! You’re 18 and we need a chaperone? You don’t even have your permit yet. I kinda want someone more independent, not own your own apartment, but for God’s sake don’t be a momma’s boy either. They baby him so much. Probably cut his fruits and veggies.
• Besides all of that, I did have fun, even though it was scorching hot (and I forgot to put on deodorant so it was REALLY bad). We rode around on the big bicycle things (i forgot what they’re called) and his  cousin’s really funny. We almost hit all dem hoes out da road ~
• After the zoo went to subway (Diana’s job) and told her about the stupid “date”. She understands me to the end.
• Chilled at yoel’s house and told my aunt and uncle all about what had happened and tia luz was all “eso es que tiene otra mujer’ lmao she’s so funny.
• picked up my mom and now i’m typing this even though i should probably be packing.
• I’m leaving to tia Maritza’s house til friday to tutor Luisito with his school things, EVEN THOUGH ITS SUMMER. Whatevs, I’m helping her AND I get payed.

Peace

Monday, June 13th, 2011

• woke up late, YESS.
• Did some errands: deposited money to me bank account, picked up my moms mail and my package at the post office, grocery shopped for my mom, picked up Yoel and Tuty, and then returned the movie at blockbuster
• I asked if they were hiring (at blockbuster) and they are, but you gotta be 18 :( sigh---
• Played mortal kombat with chris
• yoel got a facial, cry baby was complaining the whole time
• Rosa mistica with my mom at church
• home <3 night!

Sunday, June 12th, 2011

• woke up late for it being a sunday
• Praised the lord
• Golden corral with my grandma, mom, tia luz, yoel, chris, tio ernesto, don Eddey, Ada and Jencarlos
• went to “El hipico Nicaraguense” and almost died, it was crazy. Everyone kept yelling things like “terroristas”
• Dropped off my grandma at tia Juanita’s house and gave Shy her graduation chocolate chip cookie cake :)
• Picked up my stepdad from the airport –dies-
• attempted to watch “never let me go” again but i was falling asleep
• night <3

a little post because i have a little time

I’m going to the zoo right now. Yuuup. With Casey. Everyone thinks its a date, BUT ITS NOT. Friends go out all the time.

Yup. Not freaking out or anything…

I just want it to be over already. I wanna go home even though I’m still here. I don’t wanna leave :( I WANNA STAY. PLEASE. PRETTY PRETTY PLEASE.

I have to go now…

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH

saturday, june 11th 2011

• cleaned the whole house
• went to Chris’ championship barbecue
• stayed at Tia Luz’s house for a bit and played Mortal Combat, UP, and some racing game with Chris
• visited Diana at subway for her first day of work
• since blockbuster was right there i decided to rent a movie and got “never let me go”
• baked a chocolate chip cookie cake for Shy as her grad present
• went to Publix with my grandma to buy some almond milk for her, and since I didn’t find any rice milk i bought some organic chocolate soy milk :3
• went to subways again and saw Diana and Frank for a few minutes
• my momma gave me a facial
• saw “never let me go” and it was toooo good
• texted Casey til 2am and sleep ~

I’m insane

I’m doing online school and with the class I also get this overview of a college for each chapter and for "Chapter 0”  its Yale.

I want to go to Yale, the school is calling me. Its so beautiful and for some strange reason I think I’ll fit in.

asljkdfhdfgjht

whats wrong with me?!

the past week (or two)

I’ve decided to stop caring about the boy, just because he doesn't have the guts to come clean about his feelings and because he doesn’t like getting personal. Obviously, if you want something with me there has to be some amount of trust and your need to be exclusive needs to show, but not you.

Victor…and his sexy self. ‘Nuff said.

Diana graduated and lately all I can think about is that I’m finally a senior. The moment I’ve been waiting for is here and I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m freaking out mostly, though. This is my last summer to be carefree and wild…its here. In a year, I’ll be going to college and everything’s gonna be so different :x I’m living it up this year…ferr sure. Playing it as it goes…

But anyways, Diana graduated and I’m so proud of my baby girl and everything she’s accomplished :’) Wednesday was her graduation dinner and I had so much with everyone: Frank, Ellie, Jeremy and Diana. We went to Wal-Mart and did stupid things like fill shopping carts with random things and then leaving them stranded…and then going to dunkin’ donuts and eating, falling asleep at 2am pranking boys, some not so sexy. Then waking up to this girl snoring and texting someone. Then to getting stranded at coral reef and taking the bus to southland and spending the day there drinking starbucks and eating pizza <3 Even though I told Diana that with her I always seem to go through bad things, I love her for helping me get out of this funk and enjoying life and all the little moments that matter.

We were talking and I’ve realized how much things have changed. Back then, I was the wild child and she was the careful one…now I’m more of the mother, worried all the time girl and she’s the girl who needs to be kept on a leash. I want to be somewhere in between. I have one year to do everything I want to do, so you know what…I’m gonna do it.

I’m gonna make a bucketlist of all the things that I’ve always wanted to do and in 365 days I will accomplish it. I will.

Now brb, gotta do do some errands ~

*sigh*

I’ve probably gained all the weight I lost in the past week or two.

Gonna go die now.

Lol jk I have to blog first…

LOL my grandma is too funny

*in the bathroom*

Me: Y como durmio abuelita?

Abuelita: Bien, fijate que sone con la Ana Maria y esta BIEEEEEN flaca y yo le pregunte que porque estaba bien flaca si ella es GOOOOOORDA.

Me: Y que le dijo?

Abuelita: Me dijo que es que estaba enamorada…

Me: LMAO. ROFL.

Abuelita: Si esta loca, y le dije que porque todavia pensaba en hombres

Me: LOL

Abuelita: Y me dijo que ella nacio asi

Me: Como?

Abuelita: Pensando en hombres

******more great conversations to come <3

Many things have happened lately:

• Failed my CNA test. (Worst day of my life, what do you think.)
• Gotten closer to Casey, yet I never know what to say around him, maybe I’m shy?
• Went to Ft. Meyers Sunday and Monday and stayed at the cutest hotel/apartment. Walked on the beach at midnight as I talked to Casey, and woke up early to watch the sunrise on the beach <3 Spent time with my aunt/uncle and cousins and enjoyed almost every minute of it
• Started my online calculus class…’nuff said.
• Diana and I need to hang out, even though things keep getting in the way.
• I want to go on a trip. Somewhere far? Perhaps with a beach? Or anywhere at all would be great.
• My relationship with God is in rocky roads right now. I hate it, but I can’t seem to get out of this funk.
• I want to do everything and nothing at the same time.
• I told my aunt Luz about Casey and she’s more excited than mom. She even told me she was a little sad because I probably wouldn’t visit as much: NOT GONNA HAPPEN. She’s my second family, home away from home. <3
• Shit happens, but life goes on and I must to.
• My biological father has officially lost all respect from me.
• MY GRANDMA’S BACK FROM MEXICO AND I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE HER
• School needs to be over…

bliiiissss

I'm so scared about the future and I wanna talk to you
Oh I wanna talk to you

I know Coldplay didn’t write the lyrics with the meaning that I’m singing it with, but its oh so great <3

Word of advice

 

Remember: Think long-term, plan carefully.

OH MAH DAMN JUST SHOOT ME NOW

I’M TRYING TO FUCKING FINISH THIS DAMN FIVE PAGE REPORT ON MY TOWN. WHY ARE YOU FUCKING YELLING? WHY IS EVERYONE IN MY HOUSE.

GET THE FUCK OUT. ALL OF YOU. O.O

This past week

Um…lots of things have been going on recently…lots ^.^

First of all, Casey and I are NOT dating…yet. We’re “talking” according to the definition provided by my dearest tranny Steph. I don’t even know. We stayed after school Tuesday to study for the SATs and we talked about random things, as we studied of course. Then when we finished he casually asked for my number :3 Yuuuuup. He was all “oh can I have your number? for the next time we study”. I wanted to say something witty like “oh my mother doesn’t allow me to give out my personal number” but since he always catches me off guard, I only managed to say “yea”, as simple as that. wuuuutevarrr. We’ve been texting ever since c: And he still finds me during lunch to have lunch together and he still opens doors for me and he still says cute things to me :) BUT…he can’t be perfect. He just can’t. THERE HAS TO BE SOMETHING WRONG WITH HIM. Or maybe he’s not as chivalrous as he seems and then if we do start dating…things will change. Change change change. Change like Florida’s bipolar weather, and thats what scares me. People always say and do one thing, and then end up doing something else. :/

But anyways, we’ve been talking. And his birthday’s on Tuesday :)

Yessenia and Casey decided to hang out at the movies on Friday and watch a movie, but he didn’t end up going cause of some issue with his parents :( But I had fun regardless with Sophie, Shelby, Yessenia and Valeria and the FACT THAT WE WATCHED THOR<3 After the movie we went to Starbucks and planned Casey’s surprise Shindig and hopefully its gonna be awesome! Then yesterday was a hectic day, hanging out at my aunts, fixing my room, buying all the things we needed with for the shindig with Yessenia…and I got out of bed at 12:30, just fabulous. But I was supposed to sleep over at Diana’s yesterday because we had planned it and her boyfriend had broken up with her and I didn’t. I also didn’t call her to tell her about what was going on, but not because I’m rude, because I knew she’d be mad and wouldn’t understand that I just couldn’t. But either way she’s REALLY REALLY REALLY MAD AT ME. REALLY REALLY REALLY MAD. I’m gonna give it a few hours for her to cool off, because in the end it is my fault, but I do feel horribly bad about it :/

I think I like him…a lot. :>

>.<

I hate that I’m so emotionally unstable. It ruins everything: my day, my mood, my happiness.

I hate this

I hate waiting for you to write back. I hate waiting for you to write back. I hate waiting for you to write back. I hate waiting for you to write back. I hate waiting for you to write back. I hate waiting for you to write back. I hate waiting for you to write back. I hate waiting for you to write back. I hate waiting for you to write back. I hate waiting for you to write back. I hate waiting for you to write back. I hate waiting for you to write back. I hate waiting for you to write back. I hate waiting for you to write back. I hate waiting for you to write back. I hate waiting for you to write back. I hate waiting for you to write back. I hate waiting for you to write back. I hate waiting for you to write back.

I HATE IT.

I have things to do, why am I wasting my time waiting around?

Oh yeah…cause I’m a dumb turkey.