Say something.

Friday, March 30, 2012

What to do, what to do

I've come a long way. Looking back, I've accomplished so many things and I've never stopped to look around at all the things currently in my life.

If I stay in Miami and choose the Honors College, what will happen to me?
If I leave and choose a school out of state, as in Seton Hall, University of Arizona, or even South Carolina State, where will my life lead to?

I have to let Miami Dade know whether I picked them before April 4th, and that's right around the corner. Sigh.

fUN fRIdAyS.....lol jk

I'm lost. I don't know what step I should take, I don't know if that step is even what I want. I don't even know what I want. I just want to be happy. Eat and be happy. Wake up in the morning, make myself some coffee and breathe in happiness and peace.

I need you, Dad. I'm...eternally undecisive and worrysome.

Monday, March 26, 2012

It's all one big fuck

Fuck fuck fuck fuck.

I'm really tired and whenever it comes to helping people I can't help but saying yes and then thoughts and memories of our past never cease to disappear lately and then you, who I hate, pop in my head like its all good and I don't have my prom dress yyet or a prom date and im really tired and all i want is this work done but its not and i want a big bear hug. sigh.

Fuck.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Maybe I want things my way too much where I start wanting people to act the way I want them to and get mad when they don't "live up to my standards".

Dad, you here?

It's over; I think.

I told Diana what I felt, and I sent the message. She blocked me on facebook and basically told me off that she couldn't believe what I was saying especially after everything we've been through. I called her last night to try to work things out because I did feel like I attacked her and I shouldn't have said things the way I did, but that was no use. I called her again twice today and nothing, but then she called me back. I tried apologizing for what I said, but useless again. She was mad and hurt. I hurt her badly and she didn't want anything to do with me, she didn't even want to say my face. But at one point I felt what I wrote so I had to send it, but now I'm just a jerk. I am a jerk. I hurt people. That's what I do. She even threw the Casey thing in my face, and it hurts because I've been thinking about that a lot lately and it has nothing to do with our friendship. According to her, "I think everyones out to get me, and I'm so hurt that I think everyones gonna hurt me, and I'm to judgemental and too critical and I don't fight for anyone thats worth". She thinks I think she's a piece of shit.

And you know what, I don't think that. But maybe I am everything that she said.
Maybe I am too judgemental of everyone and I want everything to go my way and for everyone to be how I picture them. But it's not like that and things don't go my way. I should appreciate what I have and realize that everyone around me is human and that they make mistakes. I should let go of all this hate I have inside me and I should take things easy and not so seriously. I won't get anywhere if I continue to keep my act up. I need to start appreciating what I have and thank God for every breath I take and for everyone that's in my life.

I'm sorry to everyone that I've hurt, including you God and my mother, and everyone else that I've tried to control and wanted them to do things my way. But it's not like that.

I need help. And I know the one guy that will lead me to the way.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

I need sleep and it's 2am

I dunno why I just thought of this, but at school in the senior section wall someone wrote "free mah dawg priscilla"

Lolololol, whose priscilla???

Monday, March 12, 2012

Yesterday

I was skyping with Sophia and then my mom walks in to my room and asks me if I want to go to her friends house, which just happens to be Josue's mom. I said no, why should I go, right?

5 minutes later she calls me and tells me that she just got hit by a car and that the car was totaled or something. I was freaking out; earlier that day, after menchies, I kept thinking about my mom and I being in a car accident. I don't know what's wrong with me.

I called my aunt and she came and picked me up and took me to where she was. She was nervous, but other than that she seemed fine. The other car was a huge truck and it jammed into her left side. There wasn't a four way stop sign so my mom had the right to keep driving. The truck didn't stop and it jammed into her and the car swerved, mind you it was raining. When my mom realized the car wasn't stopping she accelerated, and if she hadn't, it probably would have hit her.

I'm just glad she's okay. This morning she woke up with a bit of pain on her neck and shoulder and arm, so hopefully she feels better soon.

God still has a purpose for her, she still needs to be here on Earth. Please, God, don't take her away from me just yet.

First day of spring break

Finished watching Breakfast at Tiffany's.
Too adorable.

I guess I should do something productive now, since it's 12:28pm.

Ah, screw you daylight savings.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Everyone lately is in love.

I want to be in love: with life, with God, with myself. I want to stop being so careless about my personal issues, as in my body, my health, my room, my life. I want to take care of myself and stop walking through life like it's a dark forest. Life has obstacles, but it also has it's rewards. I want to LIVE. I want to love God above all and I want to be happy with my surroundings.

Spring break, starts my month of inner change.

Fuck you, Ryan Gosling.

Why are you perfect? Why aren't you next to me instead of this $5 dollar big box from taco bell?

WHY AREN'T WE SOULMATES

Another saturday "well spent"

As I lie bed lazily, I hear the birds chirping outside and the sky and sun remind me of what a good saturday it is.

But I'm too lazy to get up. Or eat. Or do anything.

Sigh.

Monday, March 5, 2012

Surprise, surprise!

A while back, last year in April to be exact, Mrs. Mendez had a poster on her podium talking about national poetry month. I thought it looked really cool so I went online and sent in my information to get a free poster in the mail. Well...I never got a poster. Turns out they had ran out so I was out of luck.

I was in my room when my mom called me telling me I had gotten something in the mail: it was from the National Poetry Month people. They sent me a poster from this year's poem and I love it. It's called "Our Valley" by Philip Levine. He talks about reality, how we think that everything we see is ours, including the the ocean, the trees, the Earth. But it's not.

"...even if “the mountains […] dissolve in dust” and the “wind dies” those are only moments stitched into a blanket called “our life” (lines 23, 14, 24)."

"...wait for the wind, catch a scent of salt, call it our life."

Sunday, March 4, 2012


That's what I really wanted to say. But I didn't say anything. Because then everyone was gonna say "maria, are you so hurt by men that you need to make such hateful comments?"

But no, it's just....odd.
Especially from him.
I'm sorry God and mom, but if there are no signs of me moving out anytime soon before college, I'm going out of state.
I don't care if I have to take out loans, I don't care if I have to find someway to pay for college, I am NOT going to live here. This isn't healthy for anyone and no one is happy in this damn hypocritical "family".

I refuse to be a part of this anymore and I will do whatever it takes to live a better life.

My mom and I have talked countless times about moving out and all this other stufff, and she keeps waiting for a sign from God but sometimes you can't wait for a sign. If she stays behind, that will be her choice. I feel bad about leaving her here, if she chooses to stay, but I can't do this.

Why am I so damn emotional? Chaisen. Maybe I just need to toughen up, or maybe going out of state will help my mom move out. She'll only need to worry about her and then it won't be such a problem anymore. Sigh. I don't want to move away but this might be my only choice to finally breathe and focus.

God, if you're reading or listening, please....please enlighten me.
And sometimes it's just coincidence.

Saturday, March 3, 2012

IN YO FACE UF

GOT INTO THE UNIVERSITY OF ARIZONA AND GOT OFFERED A SCHOLARSHIP!!!!! IN YO FACE UF. IN YO FACE!!! :')

I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO FEEL, THIS IS SO SURREAL!!!!!! I CAN'T WAIT TO SHOW MRS. REMMEN ON MONDAY OR TUESDAY.....OMGGGGGGGG

THANK YOU, DAD. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR EVERYTHING YOU DO. THIS IS A SPECIAL SHOUT TO THE COOLEST GUY I KNOW, GOD.

:DDDD

Wait a minute, does this change anything....?
HMMM....

Yesterday, Mrs. Mendez said that one little thing changes everything, which I had already known, but the way she said it sounded....dark and magical? That one choice..that one simple mistake...that one simple thing makes the difference of two separate lives.

Coincidence vs Fate

That unexpected look, that unexpected meeting between two individuals, that moment where everything aligns and for one second you believe it was meant to be....or was it?

I went to the beach yesterday with Alyssa and Roxanne after school and it was super relaxing. I had so much fun and just having unforced conversation and laughter with two girls that don't ask much out of life. I got to thinking about this whole coincidence and fate thing and I asked them what they thought. There responses were: "Sometimes it's coincidence, sometimes it's fate".

But how do you know? When a moment comes and you think it was fate, what if it really was only coincidence and nothing more? A simple meeting between two strangers, and two strangers you'll stay?

Alyssa told me her uncle's story. He was born in Germany and then came to the U.S. and graduated