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Tuesday, February 18, 2014

L-o-v-e

I have the opportunity to do study abroad in Nicaragua for Summer A and I've been told it's a life-changing experience and I'm also doing the Vision Fast shortly after so I'm extremely excited. I recently found out about an opportunity to visit Brazil for two weeks in July and it looks like so much fun, but I feel like I might be overwhelming myself. Money set to the side, will I be emotionally capable of handling all of these different experiences in one summer? That's my biggest concern right now...
 

I started my job today at Gulfstream Elementary as a tutor through the America Reads program and I feel on top of the world. I see the struggles and challenges these children face just getting to school and I cannot wait to meet them and be a part of their life. 

Ahhhhh so many things. Also, feeling such good vibes in my life lately, moreso the past week. Love my church community, love my family, love my friends, love life....love God...love love love. 

Everyday's a struggle, but don't let that struggle determine your day. Keep going. There's something at the end of the road, and it will be HUGE and GREAT and OUT OF THIS WORLD. 

We're all in this together, struggling and facing challenges...we need each other. 

 

Sunday, January 12, 2014

The Purpose Driven Life

  1. "Love God with all your heart": worship
  2. "Love your neighbor as yourself"": ministry
  3. "Go and make disciples": evangelism
  4. "baptize them into...": fellowship
  5. "teach them to do all things...": discipleship
  •  Talk it through with a spiritual partner or small group
  • Give yourself a regular spiritual check-up
  • Write down your progress in a journal 
  • Pass on what you know to others 
  1.  What will be the center of my life?
Who am I going to live for? 
  1. What will be the character of my life? 
What kind of person will you be? God is far more interested in what you are than what you do. 
  1. What will be the contribution of my life?
Is there a specific group in the Body that I am shaped to serve? SHAPE: Spiritual gifts, Heart, Abilities, Personality, Experiences. 
  1. What will be the communication of my life?
Your mission to unbelievers; commitment to share your testimony and the Good News with others. 
  1. What will be the community of my life? 
How will you demonstrate your commitment to other believers and connection to the family of God?

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

2013

With 2013 coming to an end, I've been trying to decide whether this was a good or bad year.
But..

Good or bad aren't the right words in trying to describe this year. This year was...wow...a roller coaster of emotions, a lot of spiritual growing (more like spiritual STUNT growth), growing up and maturing as a person...it was a year of complete change. The year started out by moving out from my first stable home of 8 years to an apartment with just my mom and I. I thought it would be much simpler and easier than it sounded, but eventually it took a toll on my emotionally and I was not expecting that.

Moving away from my psychotic stepdad who verbally abused my mother and I was definitely the right thing to do, but I left behind memories and my comfort. Moving into the unknown has always been (and still is) something I don't like and always fear. Not knowing where I'm stepping on or what's happening terrifies me the most. I don't like surprises, I like knowing what's going to happen. I like being in control.

Control is also one of the biggest challenges that I've dealt with this year. Trying to let go and let God is still my biggest struggle.Giving myself wholeheartedly to him is a struggle and I still don't know how to fully let go of all the things I'm holding on to. I realized this week that the reason why I still haven't fully matured and grown up to who I'm supposed to be is because I'm still living in the past. I'm still holding on to all those things I wanted to do but never did, to that one regret I haven't forgiven myself for, to the love I never got as a child... I don't want to hold on to that anymore. I want to be free and full of God's love, that's it. But it's easier said than done.

More than anything, this year was a lot about discovering who I am and accepting myself. Acccepting my curves, my flaws, my skills and the fact that yes I am overweight, but I'm no longer going to wait til I'm at my desired goal weight to be happy and love myself. NO. I am going to be happy with my body NOW. I won't fight against it anymore, I want to work with it and love every inch of skin and bump. But of course, I want to be healthier and more in shape, just not the way that I've been doing it for so long. 

Throughout the year I was still working at Panera Bread and I had a lot of crushes and likes at my job and at school and wherever I went. Wherever I went, whichever boy/guy/man looked in my direction I would always wonder "is it you? is that him? could this be the one?". But now...I don't even notice them. I've grown old of the game. No one really stands out to me, and when I think they do they aren't what I imagined. I wonder where you are, when I'll meet you, or if I've already met you, what you look like, all the adventures and trouble we'll get into...and as much as I really want all of that to happen right now, to meet you in the most unexpecting of ways, I also know that I'm not ready for you, or us, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm taking so long in getting myself together. There are still parts of me that I'm still exploring, parts of this world that are still unknown to me, and I want to explore these foreign parts with you, but I'm afraid I'm still weak in every way possible. I just want you to know that I love you with all my heart and that I want to go home already, that I'm homesick and that I miss you in more ways that I can ever describe...I'll be with you soon. While you wait for me, think of how beautiful the trees and birds and sky are...how their love is so infinite and so grand...neverending and selfish...think of how much God loves us and that he knows whats best for us. Think of His never-ending love.

I'm trying really hard to get it together, but I'm not. I'm not reaching my full potential in anything that I do: in school, church, extracurricular activities, family, my mom or even myself.

I faught with Diana, reunited with her once more, gained 20 pounds, went to Tennessee and met AMAZING people, quit CCD, started walking in the Neocatecumenado Way, met tia Maria Teresa aka one of the new loves of my life, went to Ocala with Amy and Armando, met TONS of new people at school and through YES club events, went Vegetarian from May to November (but no more labels), went to Gainsville and visited UF, decided on sticking with UNF, reunited with my Dad,...and now here I am, pet-sitting a dog named Lucy and still feeling antsy. I could have done so much more and put so much more effort in everything I did.

I don't want to continue saying I want to do something and not do them. I don't want to make anymore promises and then disappointing others. I don't want to keep disappointing myself. I can do so much more.

This year...
2014 be good to me. This year was so overwhelming and incredible and terrifying and one of the biggest years of self-awakening...but 2014, let's put all these plans to action, let's really put my heart and mind to everything that I do and to everyone that's around me. Let's not waste a second on being prideful and full of immaturity. Let's focus on living life, loving myself and serving others. Most of all: let's focus on living life for God, loving myself for God and serving others for God. Let all the praise and riches go to our Holy Father.

2013 you freaking tore me up, so 2014 do me a favor and help me get all the pieces right this time.

God, I know you're out there, please help me. I can't do this without you.

I love you, Dad.

Monday, July 1, 2013

Wake-up call

I had a car crash today. Nothing serious, I'm alright and so is Lucy. However, the other car not so much. Her whole left bumper is gone ._.

It's ironic because I had said that today was gonna be the start of soul-searching within myself and this happens. I'm not upset or angry, but it will take a toll on me later on when my bank account starts getting a little weak.

I'm a strong believer that everything happens for a reason; always have been always will be. Lately I've been feeling so out of it. I keep thinking on the past and the future but never the present. I've never really been myself and I guess that's the problem, when you don't really know who you are then where do you stand?

What makes me cry? The thought of ending up alone, knowing my mom won't be with me all my life, hopeful romantic movies, knowing I've disappointed somebody.

What makes me laugh? Childish humor, my everyday happenings, my family's crazy shit, my mom's weird jokes, my dad's fake stories, when people are themselves.

What makes me angry? When i see injustices, when i'm misunderstood, when things don't go my way, not knowing what's gonna happen.

What makes me smile? My mom's smile and laugh, my grandma's exaggerating voice, my best friends, knowing my sisters are happy, knowing God loves me.

Today didn't have to happen, but it did. Why? Because I was driving carelessly. More specifically: I'm living carelessly. I'm not enjoying life and I'm growing old by the second. I feel old, I can't remember the last time I sat down and just enjoyed my own company without worrying about my surroundings. I can't remember the last time, well besides Narrow Ridge, and had a face to face, heart to heart with someone. I can't remember...the last time I was myself. Who is Maria? It's not this girl typing or the girl breathing.


I'm not sure yet who "Maria" is, but I want to get to know her, all of her. Her strengths, her weaknesses, her curves, her motives, her passion....I want to fall in love with myself. Most importantly, through my imperfections I'll be able to grow closer to my faith and fall deeply in love with God, more than any illogical love I've ever felt: it'll be completely head over heels and irrevocably in love with Him.

Whoever I am right now is being left behind tonight. Each second I am closer to finding more about myself and being in touch with me. I don't want to be disconnected anymore. I want to feel everything that touches my skin and that lives around me.

Here's to a new me living.

Sunday, June 30, 2013

One of those nights...

Why am I sad?

I lack energy. What's going on?

Literally a "restless day and sleepless night".

I'm drinking some Raspberry tea to try to make me feel better but I feel this terrible cloud of sadness over me.

And then suddenly...I'm back. Will it be temporary?

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Self-discipine

I always have something to say or want to post something extremely important and relevant and by the time I actually get to sit down and do it I can't think of what to right or it didn't seem important anymore..

I need to walk around with a notebook because if not I'll keep forgetting..sigh.

Friday, June 14, 2013

Namaste

It's been a month and half since I last posted and I can't go on another day without posting and updating on my life.

Many, many things have changed and many things haven't.

Narrow Ridge, Washburn, Tennessee. Such a life-changing and eye-opening experience. I met so many incredible people, including Bill+Mitzi, my earth siblings and also got close and personal with Mother Nature. I've never felt so at peace and so at home. I learned so much about myself and about others. I'm not alone, I never was. There is a community of people out there that are fighting everyday in honor of our beautiful and sick Earth. We need to act now.

My lifestyle and major changed during and after the trip. I am now vegetarian, well pescatarian for the most part (still trying to figure out how to let go of fish...). I am not against the killing of animals; I am against how animals are injected with hormones and mass produced to feed an egotistic society. I refuse to be a part of that. Of course I'm still learning a long the way, so my thoughts on that might change, but for now that's how I feel. I switched my major to Environmental Management in Agriculture and Natural Resources, I want to focus on sustainability and food so I'm still working on how I'm going to tie everything together. Everything will fall into place though so I'm not too worried about it! :) I just want to do so much and I need to learn how to manage my time better so that I can be as productive as possible, and get enough sleep at the same time!

Boys...they never seem to leave my life. There's two I have my eye on right now but...I don't really know where it's going. I wish I did know, but right now God is giving me the chance to focus on myself and my family so I don't want to lose sight of that right now. I need that time to grow and if there isn't anyone, at the time, to grow with then I don't need someone to drag me down. I ain't time for that.

Mmm....Oh! I'm Environmental Captain of Panera now. I wanted to quit, but I have a mission to do and I can't just quit now. Chris told me yesterday that he submitted my name to become in charge of all 12 Panera cafe's. I'M SUPER EXCITED. I CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE!!!!!!

Tonight I'm going on an all weekend retreat to learn more about myself, the Bible and God. I'm scared and I'm excited. I don't know what to expect but I'm ready.


I'm going to make a list (mostly to help sort out myself because I can do that better in writting) of what I want.

I want to make a difference; not just in someone's life but on the world. God created Earth and we're just going to let it die and not do anything about it? At some point, I want to have a family and a few children. I want to get married to my partner, my lover and man that God has chosen for me. What scares me the most is divorce: I want something that will last forever, a never-ending love where everyday I will be happy and faithful, as well as he will be to me. I want to grow with somebody, where they will accept me for who I am and see me for me. Love is patient, I want the whole package. I want to travel one day, to help third-world countries, to spread the word and love of God, to grow in God's love and faith, to love my family and spend as much time with all those around me. 

Namaste.