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Monday, February 16, 2015


He said it had been February 2nd.
He remembered the date..the exact time...the shadows on his wall..the light creaking in from the one window blind that never stayed in place.

He was in bed. He was on his side, the left side, wondering if this was it. He was wondering if to feel excited or nervous or scared, because he felt all of them.

The sheets were a navy blue, red and white stripes...still warm from a whole full 7 hour sleep.

He was going for it, he told himself. He couldn't believe it. He and his grandmother cried. This was the moment, this was his moment. No more taking chances. No more wasting time. No more being scared. This was it.

This was the moment everything was leading up to.

He was ready.

Sunday, September 21, 2014


The question that lingers my mind now is...would I crave for something that I never knew I could have? Would my heart be homesick for you if I didn't know I could have you?

I see blissful couples traveling, Facebook posts of newly formed marriages, Instagram pictures of babies and puppies cuddling, and then encountered with couples being all lovey dovey in public...

Would I want all of that if I didn't know it was there? Would I feel like I was missing out on something?

I see all of that and I think "I want that". I want those moments, I want that kind of joy, I want to share that with someone...but do I really? Do I really want someone by my side? Do I really want a partner that inspires me and encourages me whenever I'm at my weakest? As the sun goes up that morning, do I want there to be someone beside me, going against all odds with me, starting our day together?

I got to the point where I realized I didn't want to be alone anymore. I told myself that this was it, no more days of fighting alone that I would soon come across my partner in crime, and that we would be a team, together, pushing through all and any obstacles.

But maybe I've been listening to too many love songs, maybe the media has brainwashed me into believing that I WANT someone when in reality my heart wants nothing more than love, not necessarily in a romantic way, but raw love from strangers, friends, family and God..

Maybe I want those pictures, those memories and those hands to hold because I want what everyone has and not for the right reasons.

Maybe I was in love with the idea of what was presented to me, what I believed would get me that amount of happiness.

I've always been jealous of all the connections and love I saw being shared among couples, I wanted that someday. But maybe it was just my human nature to want what I didn't have.


Friday, September 19, 2014

Go on

I see you slowly swim away 

Cause the light is leaving town

To a place that I can't be

There's no apologies

Just go on

Just go on

There're still so many things I wanna to say to you

But go on

Just go on

2 is the lucky number. Only 2 months. 
You came in unexpectedly. But it wasn't too difficult to walk back out, see you forgot to close the door on your way in. Your mind was always elsewhere, your eyes always looking back to the open door. You weren't ready for someone like me. 

And what is someone like me? I love from the moment we say hello. Possibly a reckless thing to do, but I always try to give my heart out whole. Maybe it's a bad habit, maybe I should stop. Someone told me to give my heart out after marriage...but that's no way to live. Then again, having a heart full of scars may be no way to live either. So where do we mark our boundary lines? Where should we stop ourselves from loving too much? Where should we stop ourselves from exposing our rawest selves? 

I don't want to stop myself from anything. I want to give. And if giving myself out whole means a little scar on my heart then I'll take it; scars heal and broken hearts are mended. It hurts a little right now to know we weren't on the same page, to know that you couldn't see who I really was, but I won't take it personally. You saved me from a lot of trouble. So thank you. If this little heartache means that you won't play with other hearts then I'll take it. 

What did I learn this time? Love myself and accept myself for who I am and what I stand for. If someone doesn't appreciate me or values the space that I made for them in my heart then it's best to walk away. I hope you find yourself and figure out what you really want. I wish you well. Bon voyage. 

There're still so many things I wanna to say to you 

But go on.....Just go on

Monday, September 1, 2014

Thank you

Thank you for loving me when I couldn't love myself.
Thank you for loving me when I couldn't see why someone was able to love me.
Thank you for listening to all my stories and absurd thoughts.
Thank you for giving me the best of you.
Thank you for trying to understand me even when I couldn't understand myself.
Thank you for all the jokes and cheesy pickup lines we shared.
Thank you for wanting to show me the world.
Thank you for letting me a part of YOUR world.
Thank you for showing me love in its rawest form.
Thank you for fighting for us.

Thank you...for letting me be.

We weren't meant for each other and probably not even meant to date, but we were young and had so much love to give.

Thank you for being the first. Thank you for giving me your heart. Thank you for taking mine.

I'm not going to fight it anymore, you're staying here forever.

Sunday, July 6, 2014

Summer's still here and the season is changing

I watched the Son of God with the Napoles yesterday. The movie wasn't about Jesus specifically, it was about the apostles, it was about us. Something in me clicked. I don't know what it was or what it is, but something changed. Something is different.

What is this change occurring within me? I have no idea. It scares me to not know what's going on.

And you, Juan? FUCK you. Your needyness to be loved, appreciated and understood by women because of your mommy issues is not going to fly by me anymore. You got hit by a car, yes. You have abandonement issues, yes. But I will NOT excuse you anymore. You make your choices and I don't deal with bullshit. Das not mah me. So yeah, FUCK YOU. But I still love you, in the most sisterly way possible. No more bullshit though.

God chose us, He chose me. I'm a sinner and He loves me. I have to accept myself as I am, accept that I'm never going to be perfect. Accept that I have flaws, but that He sees past that. I don't want to fail you anymore. I know I'm going to, but I want to put my best effort to love You more and more each day.

Things are happening that have never happened before.

Saturday, June 28, 2014

To be continued

So, how is your day so far?

I woke up wondering what my dream meant. Why do you come back? Is it to remind me of my worth and not to settle? Is it to let me know that we'll be together again someday? Or are you just teasing me, so that I always remember how great I had it and how much I've lost?

I miss the idea of you. I miss getting to know someone. I miss laughing for no reason. I miss getting ready for a night out. I do care for you, but we're not for meant for each other.

And you...just got off the phone with you. What are we?

I stayed in bed til 10:30 til I decided staying in bed all day wasn't a good idea. I cleaned a bit, made myself an egg/black bean/watercress/tomato sandwich on a multigrain ciabbata bread and it was DELICIOUS. Also with a homemade cappuccino frap on the side. I watched the Brazilian-Uruguay World Cup soccer game and it was so intense!! Washed my clothes and  now here I am, wondering why I'm so blessed to have great friends and family around me. Wondering how Mother Earth was so beautifully created. The sun, the sky, the clouds..why did I ever want to move to city with no sun?

I had a great talk with Cynthia Monday night. I was basing my happiness off of the affection of others. Yoel told me something though when I told him what was going on with me, he said, "Everyone wants that though, to love and be loved so don't put yourself down for that." He's right.  Who doesn't want to feel loved? Who doesn't want TO love and enter a mutual understanding with people? But I took it to an extreme. I had this emptiness within me that if I felt rejected by someone or didn't feel like accepted the love I was handing out I took it personally and shut down.

I am not going to connect with everyone. Not everyone has to think I'm "interesting" enough. Some people just suck and there opinion shouldn't determine who I am. It's better to have a couple of great friends than the whole world of mediocre individuals in my life. I don't like thinking of people as mediocre or average, because I genuinely believe that deep down people are waiting to love, butt not everyone is ready to face that.

I need to learn how to do small talk, lol.

Sunday, June 22, 2014

No more sorries

As I looked at the sky and saw the stars wanting to show their light but were hidden by the clouds and city lights, I wished I was in Tennessee again. Actually, I was supposed to be in Tennessee again. That day. That night. Last night.

I was diagnosed with shingles about less than three weeks ago. I know, CRAZY. My body is on strike and it demands time, patience and love. I keep thinking I'm okay and that my body will push through, but it just may have reached its limits.

For about a week now I've been thinking about seeing a psychologist. There's a lot of things in my heart and mind that I haven't dealt with that I need to deal with. I've never felt understood, or like I fit in or belonged. Especially after last night.

Cachi's wedding.

I can't believe that she's married. Someone said, "Oh, I didn't cry because it felt like they've been married for a long time". No, they haven't. They've been together for almost 7 years and not once was their relationship easy or even seemed like they were married. Not because they lacked commitment but because of outsiders that decided they knew what was best for them. They've fought hard to get to where they want to get and I couldn't be happier for them and for all the endurance they carried. Giving up seems like the best option sometimes, why keep fighting something that may not be there? Maybe everyone else is right. But what about when you hold on to something, because despite what everyone else is telling you in your little heart you know that what you're doing is right. There's so many things wrong with the world, but believing in love and fighting for it is not one of them. 

Everything was so beautiful. The decorations, the lighting, the dresses, even the $150 cake centerpiece. The conversation was lovely. I was talking to Jon's uncle and he was telling me about he got saved and accepted Christ as his savior. He was so happy to be talking about his conversion and I was so happy to hear his testimony. God works in mysterious ways and last night he wanted me to remind me once again of how deeply he loves. His family was so loving, his son and daughter in law so welcoming. I connected with them. I told them a little about myself, a little of what my heart carries. Then the uncle asked, "So do you go to Claribel's church or where do you go?" I didn't want to answer that question, but I chewed on my piece of churrasco, gulped and answered, "I'm Catholic." As if I was afraid we wouldn't be friends anymore and that there would now be a wall between us. Catholicism had been forced down his throat and his wife had separated from the Catholic church and were now the blacksheep of the family. As all of this was going on, DJ and Nick were next to me and were probably wondering what planet I came from. I spoke to them all night, laughed and danced away, but there was no connection. I wanted to bond with them but there was nothing to bond. Even the few moments I thought that I had finally hooked on to something, it was a dead end. I told them, "I'm sorry I'm kind of boring". They quickly answered, "No no no no not at all"

Why do I keep doing that? Why do I keep saying sorry for being myself? I keep thinking there's something wrong with me. As I looked at familiar faces last night I wondered, "Why can't I be a normal 20-year old? Why am I worried about things out of my reach? Why can't I just enjoy the moment for what is and be young, wild and free?"

Those questions still haunt me this morning. I wanted to go out to this party at midnight last night, but didn't because my body was still weak and my mother being gone for the weekend wasn't an excuse for me to take advantage of her trust. I wouldn't have enjoyed myself, though. Everyone would have probably gotten drunk and I would have again felt left out. I kind of wanted to go because Nick was going to be there. I know, what's gotten in to me? But he's 20 and we could learn a lot from each other. Except that we don't want the same things and aren't even on the same path. Neither was any other guy around me last night.

Even Ken. The guy that I'm connected to the most and closest to in age. He doesn't understand. This is me. I'm "indescreta" because I want to share and connect. I feel very trusting and comfortable around people, which is a bit naive of me, but I'm built that way. I am an open book and I am the way I am whether we be in person or not. He doesn't get that. He doesn't get me. He's trying to change me. His words were "I'm trying to help you, so that you improve and become better". But what's wrong with me now? Why can't I be accepted for who I am? All my life I've had trouble with not being accepted for myself, so why am I still being attacked when I'm finally reaching a point of acceptance? I know you love me, and I know they do, but you're not helping me, you're hurting me.

It takes someone special to understand the way you're built and to know you. To see you. Diana sees me. We can have such a great time and still go back and forth on meaningful topics. Just being ourselves. So does Ana. Always on the same road of doubts and uncertainties, but still bask in what is love and life. And Anabel. Always on the road to self-discovery, but still enjoy the little joys of life and what it means to be happy. And Alena. Taking each day with a step towards a brighter future, a brighter friendship.

I've found a group of people that I can connect with. That see ME. I don't do things to harm people. I don't do them to bring attention to myself. I'm not going to tippy-toe around anyone. Love me. Accept me. ME.

But first, I need to love myself. Accept myself. Accept that I'm never going to be out drunk partying. Accept that I have flaws, but that they can be used for good. Accept that I'm not perfect, that I shouldn't have to be. Accept that I just want to love. Accept that I just want to be loved. Accept that unfortunately I am not going to connect with everyone that comes my way. Accept that I am not normal. Accept that I'm different. Accept that I have a God that loves me more than anything in this world and universe. Accept that He sent His only Son for me. Accept Jesus into my heart. Accept Him into my heart.

Thank you, Father. You built me this way and shaped me into this weird, oddly loving girl. The only thing I should be sorry for is not loving you enough.