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Monday, September 1, 2014

Thank you

Thank you for loving me when I couldn't love myself.
Thank you for loving me when I couldn't see why someone was able to love me.
Thank you for listening to all my stories and absurd thoughts.
Thank you for giving me the best of you.
Thank you for trying to understand me even when I couldn't understand myself.
Thank you for all the jokes and cheesy pickup lines we shared.
Thank you for wanting to show me the world.
Thank you for letting me a part of YOUR world.
Thank you for showing me love in its rawest form.
Thank you for fighting for us.

Thank you...for letting me be.

We weren't meant for each other and probably not even meant to date, but we were young and had so much love to give.

Thank you for being the first. Thank you for giving me your heart. Thank you for taking mine.

I'm not going to fight it anymore, you're staying here forever.

Sunday, July 6, 2014

Summer's still here and the season is changing

I watched the Son of God with the Napoles yesterday. The movie wasn't about Jesus specifically, it was about the apostles, it was about us. Something in me clicked. I don't know what it was or what it is, but something changed. Something is different.

What is this change occurring within me? I have no idea. It scares me to not know what's going on.

And you, Juan? FUCK you. Your needyness to be loved, appreciated and understood by women because of your mommy issues is not going to fly by me anymore. You got hit by a car, yes. You have abandonement issues, yes. But I will NOT excuse you anymore. You make your choices and I don't deal with bullshit. Das not mah me. So yeah, FUCK YOU. But I still love you, in the most sisterly way possible. No more bullshit though.

God chose us, He chose me. I'm a sinner and He loves me. I have to accept myself as I am, accept that I'm never going to be perfect. Accept that I have flaws, but that He sees past that. I don't want to fail you anymore. I know I'm going to, but I want to put my best effort to love You more and more each day.

Things are happening that have never happened before.

Saturday, June 28, 2014

To be continued

So, how is your day so far?

I woke up wondering what my dream meant. Why do you come back? Is it to remind me of my worth and not to settle? Is it to let me know that we'll be together again someday? Or are you just teasing me, so that I always remember how great I had it and how much I've lost?

I miss the idea of you. I miss getting to know someone. I miss laughing for no reason. I miss getting ready for a night out. I do care for you, but we're not for meant for each other.

And you...just got off the phone with you. What are we?

I stayed in bed til 10:30 til I decided staying in bed all day wasn't a good idea. I cleaned a bit, made myself an egg/black bean/watercress/tomato sandwich on a multigrain ciabbata bread and it was DELICIOUS. Also with a homemade cappuccino frap on the side. I watched the Brazilian-Uruguay World Cup soccer game and it was so intense!! Washed my clothes and  now here I am, wondering why I'm so blessed to have great friends and family around me. Wondering how Mother Earth was so beautifully created. The sun, the sky, the clouds..why did I ever want to move to city with no sun?

I had a great talk with Cynthia Monday night. I was basing my happiness off of the affection of others. Yoel told me something though when I told him what was going on with me, he said, "Everyone wants that though, to love and be loved so don't put yourself down for that." He's right.  Who doesn't want to feel loved? Who doesn't want TO love and enter a mutual understanding with people? But I took it to an extreme. I had this emptiness within me that if I felt rejected by someone or didn't feel like accepted the love I was handing out I took it personally and shut down.

I am not going to connect with everyone. Not everyone has to think I'm "interesting" enough. Some people just suck and there opinion shouldn't determine who I am. It's better to have a couple of great friends than the whole world of mediocre individuals in my life. I don't like thinking of people as mediocre or average, because I genuinely believe that deep down people are waiting to love, butt not everyone is ready to face that.

I need to learn how to do small talk, lol.

Sunday, June 22, 2014

No more sorries

As I looked at the sky and saw the stars wanting to show their light but were hidden by the clouds and city lights, I wished I was in Tennessee again. Actually, I was supposed to be in Tennessee again. That day. That night. Last night.

I was diagnosed with shingles about less than three weeks ago. I know, CRAZY. My body is on strike and it demands time, patience and love. I keep thinking I'm okay and that my body will push through, but it just may have reached its limits.

For about a week now I've been thinking about seeing a psychologist. There's a lot of things in my heart and mind that I haven't dealt with that I need to deal with. I've never felt understood, or like I fit in or belonged. Especially after last night.

Cachi's wedding.

I can't believe that she's married. Someone said, "Oh, I didn't cry because it felt like they've been married for a long time". No, they haven't. They've been together for almost 7 years and not once was their relationship easy or even seemed like they were married. Not because they lacked commitment but because of outsiders that decided they knew what was best for them. They've fought hard to get to where they want to get and I couldn't be happier for them and for all the endurance they carried. Giving up seems like the best option sometimes, why keep fighting something that may not be there? Maybe everyone else is right. But what about when you hold on to something, because despite what everyone else is telling you in your little heart you know that what you're doing is right. There's so many things wrong with the world, but believing in love and fighting for it is not one of them. 

Everything was so beautiful. The decorations, the lighting, the dresses, even the $150 cake centerpiece. The conversation was lovely. I was talking to Jon's uncle and he was telling me about he got saved and accepted Christ as his savior. He was so happy to be talking about his conversion and I was so happy to hear his testimony. God works in mysterious ways and last night he wanted me to remind me once again of how deeply he loves. His family was so loving, his son and daughter in law so welcoming. I connected with them. I told them a little about myself, a little of what my heart carries. Then the uncle asked, "So do you go to Claribel's church or where do you go?" I didn't want to answer that question, but I chewed on my piece of churrasco, gulped and answered, "I'm Catholic." As if I was afraid we wouldn't be friends anymore and that there would now be a wall between us. Catholicism had been forced down his throat and his wife had separated from the Catholic church and were now the blacksheep of the family. As all of this was going on, DJ and Nick were next to me and were probably wondering what planet I came from. I spoke to them all night, laughed and danced away, but there was no connection. I wanted to bond with them but there was nothing to bond. Even the few moments I thought that I had finally hooked on to something, it was a dead end. I told them, "I'm sorry I'm kind of boring". They quickly answered, "No no no no not at all"

Why do I keep doing that? Why do I keep saying sorry for being myself? I keep thinking there's something wrong with me. As I looked at familiar faces last night I wondered, "Why can't I be a normal 20-year old? Why am I worried about things out of my reach? Why can't I just enjoy the moment for what is and be young, wild and free?"

Those questions still haunt me this morning. I wanted to go out to this party at midnight last night, but didn't because my body was still weak and my mother being gone for the weekend wasn't an excuse for me to take advantage of her trust. I wouldn't have enjoyed myself, though. Everyone would have probably gotten drunk and I would have again felt left out. I kind of wanted to go because Nick was going to be there. I know, what's gotten in to me? But he's 20 and we could learn a lot from each other. Except that we don't want the same things and aren't even on the same path. Neither was any other guy around me last night.

Even Ken. The guy that I'm connected to the most and closest to in age. He doesn't understand. This is me. I'm "indescreta" because I want to share and connect. I feel very trusting and comfortable around people, which is a bit naive of me, but I'm built that way. I am an open book and I am the way I am whether we be in person or not. He doesn't get that. He doesn't get me. He's trying to change me. His words were "I'm trying to help you, so that you improve and become better". But what's wrong with me now? Why can't I be accepted for who I am? All my life I've had trouble with not being accepted for myself, so why am I still being attacked when I'm finally reaching a point of acceptance? I know you love me, and I know they do, but you're not helping me, you're hurting me.

It takes someone special to understand the way you're built and to know you. To see you. Diana sees me. We can have such a great time and still go back and forth on meaningful topics. Just being ourselves. So does Ana. Always on the same road of doubts and uncertainties, but still bask in what is love and life. And Anabel. Always on the road to self-discovery, but still enjoy the little joys of life and what it means to be happy. And Alena. Taking each day with a step towards a brighter future, a brighter friendship.

I've found a group of people that I can connect with. That see ME. I don't do things to harm people. I don't do them to bring attention to myself. I'm not going to tippy-toe around anyone. Love me. Accept me. ME.

But first, I need to love myself. Accept myself. Accept that I'm never going to be out drunk partying. Accept that I have flaws, but that they can be used for good. Accept that I'm not perfect, that I shouldn't have to be. Accept that I just want to love. Accept that I just want to be loved. Accept that unfortunately I am not going to connect with everyone that comes my way. Accept that I am not normal. Accept that I'm different. Accept that I have a God that loves me more than anything in this world and universe. Accept that He sent His only Son for me. Accept Jesus into my heart. Accept Him into my heart.

Thank you, Father. You built me this way and shaped me into this weird, oddly loving girl. The only thing I should be sorry for is not loving you enough.

Sunday, June 8, 2014

Mending broken hearts

I need to mend the broken heart of my 14-year old self. Those years were of a lot of confusion and unanswered questions. Why did my mom continue to live with a man that she didn't love and didn't love her back? Why was I so empty? Why did it feel like I was worthless and useless?

There was no growth. I was aimlessly wandering. I hated the idea of falling in love and opening myself up to the world. Friendships were a challenge for me, I didn't know how to make or have or keep friends. That's all clashing up to me now. Those feelings of wanting to have a life and friends and go to parties and do what "everyone else was doing" subconsciously stayed in my mind, repressed. Did I really want that?

More than anything I just wanted someone to look my way and show an interest in me. I wanted attention and I wanted to be understood and I wanted to share my feelings and I wanted to loved and be loved. I wasn't a happy child, I was sad by the things I thought I was supposed to have and didn't have. I grew up but the feelings were always there, my 14-year old broken heart distant but always nearby.

Dear 14-year old self,
It's okay to be confused. It's okay to feel sad, it's okay to feel all these feelings inside me. Right now things seem crazy and like the world is against you and that you can't do anything right, but we are not of this world. Don't pay attention to those girls that always brag about their "awesome life" because they're probably just as sad as you are. Those girls with all the friends and good looks? They're just as sad, or even sadder than you are. We're all sad and we don't know why.

There's only one thing that I hope you never forget: love yourself. Love all your flaws, love all of you. Smile. Always choose to smile and to love life just as it is. Choose happiness over any sad moment. Don't think about how things should be, because if they should have been that way then they would have been, but they aren't. Enjoy every little moment and always make time for yourself. Do the things you love. If you open yourself to people and let them inside you, you never know who might let you in as well.

Love and hope are crazy and beautiful things. To love someone else is risky, but it's always worth it. It might not make sense right now but it's okay. Ignore what everyone says. You don't need to have 50 friends and you don't need to be the prettiest. You don't need to go to all the parties and you don't need to have a boyfriend. Grow something beautiful with one friend, explore all the things within you and enjoy each others company. Be yourself, don't be so afraid. God will never leave you, even when it seems dark and cold. He'll always protect you.

I love you. I hope you always choose to love. Especially yourself. You're worth every penny and you mean something to a lot of people. You're strong and I admire you so much. Never give up. You can do anything.

Love,
Your 20-year self

Do I still carry the memories and dreams of my 14-year old self? Yes...I do. I don't want those things. I don't need those things. Those parties, those memories, they aren't my life. They never will be. I have something more beautiful waiting for me, I just have to be open minded and choose to allow God's will to break through.

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Come home

I want to go on a picnic. I want to lay on a blanket and watch the clouds drift by me. I want to feel the sun kiss my face. I want to feel the grass tickle my toes...

Then I'll go on a hike. I'll explore through the trees. I'll listen carefully to the songs of the birds. I'll look up and wonder how the trees got so tall. I'll stop and hear my heartbeat and feel in sync with everything around me.

I'll be hungry after all of that, so I'll go to the nearest pancake or waffle house and drown in pancakes and maple syrup. Or a bacon burger.

I'll watch the stars after that and pretend I know where the big dipper is. I'll stare at the moon and it's beautiful face. I'll wonder how lucky the stars might feel to be around such a lovely sight.

In all those moments, I hope I get to share them with you.

Wherever you are right now, I hope you're more than okay. I hope you're full of joy and full of wonder, just as I am.

I lose patience sometimes, and sometimes I'm okay. But right now...I wish you were here. I wish we could share a cup of coffee and watch some House. I wish we could talk about vacuum cleaners, vegetable steamers and how Asian curry is just never going to cut it.

I miss you. Come home.  

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Soon

There's a lot of things I never thought I was capable of having or doing but I did and I do.

I didn't think I could ride my bike when I was younger, and I did.
I didn't ever think I'd find awesome best friends, and I found the most imperfectly perfect group of friends.
I didn't ever think I could not eat meat, and I was a pescatarian for 8 months.
I didn't think I was going to college, and I'm almost in my third year.
I didn't think I would ever be a part of so many beautiful communities, but I'm incredibly blessed and I am.
I didn't think I would ever have such an incredible relationship with my family, but I do.
I didn't think I would ever hang out with my mom or just chill, but we are.
I didn't think I could handle not being around Maria Teresa for so long, but I made it.
I didn't think I could go without having you near me, but I'm still here.

THAT'S RIGHT, I'M STILL HERE.

I'm going to get through this, just like I have with everything around me and I am going to succeed.

I am more than okay, I am GREAT.

I'm going to Tennessee in less than a month on the vision fast and then Brazil in the middle of July.
AND I have an awesome family that's there for me no matter what. A beautiful mom. An amazing God.

So guess what? I'll be fine. I'll have my moments and I'll wonder what could have been, but I'll be fine. I AM fine. I'm going to meet the love of my life soon and I'll understand why it couldn't have worked out between us. It'll be a love that will last and a love that I could have never imagined.

Actually, God is so great to me I already know what that feels like. A love that will take any pain away just to see you smile, that's God and He's perfect.

I will meet you one day. I hope soon.