"I’ve always wondered and I’m still curious to know what is it that makes
two people decide that they like each other and they want to start a
relationship. Is it this indescribable energy that flows as soon as you’re with
that person, or this longing to be with anyone that you pick the one guy that
seems to be interested in you? People always say that when the time comes,
you’ll know who that one person is. But…relationships aren’t the same for
everyone. Some people want to feel that burning passionate love, and others want
to be held at night; some both. How do you distinguish one from the other? When
the time does come, how do you know you wanna be with that person not because
you wanna be held, but because you feel that energy, that connection? Do you
feel it as soon as you meet this person, or does it gradually grow?
Fairytales and the media have taken charge on this issue. Disney movies
have portrayed this certain image on how love really is (and Nicholas Sparks).
Is it really love at first sight? High school sweethearts that get married after
high school and have the two kids, dog and white picket fence? Or that fateful
moment that you bump into that person, your eyes meet and you suddenly realize
thats the person you wanna spend the rest of your life with?
When a boy comes along, how do you know you’re making the right choice?"
Be careful what you wish for because my journey went around its full circle and came to an end today. I asked a question and it was answered. What is it that makes two people want to be together? It's this never-ending desire to find that person that completes you. I know that sounds ridiculous since we're all born whole, but there's this part of us that longs for another individual to come along and change the ballgame. The longing for someone to step into our world and be able to comprehend one another in a level never imaginable. The warmth of another human being penetrating you, the touch of someone else's skin on yours, the eyes that search yours for a deeper connection, the hand that traces the puzzles of your hand, the feeling that there's someone out there dying to see a glimpse of your face one last time before the night ends.
Casey and I are no longer together. I don't know if I made a mistake, I don't know what's going to happen now that it's over, but it's over. I didn't want to do it; I was scared...confused. I wish and I badly want to be that person he belongs with, to be the girl he needs. I wish he was the boy I was destined to be with, and I wish things were differently.
I never thought the day would come where the us that we once were would be blown by the wind. Slowly I saw your eyes, looking for a hint of desperation or a sign of pain. I saw a child being told Santa wasn't coming this year. But you also didn't fight for me. You sat there, in silence as I unfolded our future. You let me go. You said that I'd made up my mind and it looked like I couldn't be swayed easily. But did you try? No. I'm not that girl, I won't ever be the girl that you'll love with all of you.
I won't ever regret meeting you. You unlocked some things I never knew I had in me, like the possibility of finding someone to even understand an inch of me. Or the fact that I even found someone to love me and not use me for sex.
His sister deleted me on facebook and it hurts. I didn't think his family would delete me from their lives so easily. I knew they weren't going to be accepting and throw me a party, but to take me out in a matter of seconds? I wasn't expecting it.
My intentions were never to hurt him. I just didn't want to let this go on further when it would hurt even more later on. Our goals, our plans are too different and so are many other factors that would complicate things even more. Hurt now, with a dose of pain? or hurt later with massive withdrawal symptoms?
I hate knowing and accepting that I'll never be a part of your life again, that our story is over. That everything we shared is gone...that it's now a closed book to be put away on a shelf, ready to collect dust. I hate realizing that what we once had we will never have again. The bond, trust, respect, maybe, that we once shared is now gone. It's gone. Our story is over. That, is something I won't be able to accept so easily.
I wish I was yours forever. I wish you were mine and no one else's. But I can't be selfish. I can't.
God, please help me. Please help me move on... I know this won't be easy, I just didn't think it would be this hard.
Casey, if you ever read this, and maybe you won't, but I do love you. I wish that we were meant for each other, and maybe someday we will. It's hard for me right now, trying to move on, trying to find a balance, and I can't. Every thought of you, or your family and the life we once shared makes me upset, makes me cry, and now seems like lifetimes ago. Don't forget about me, please. Because I sure won't.
P.S. I finally cleaned my bookbag just like you asked me.
