One simple dream and my aunt hit all the bad habits I have.
I took a small nap cause I was feeling sad and a little down and I dreamt that I was sleeping and that my aunt had come home from work and made some food and rice and she told me to check on it because she was gonna go to sleep. I overslept and I quickly ran to the kitchen to see that everything was already made and that the rice was gone so I went to her room and she was extremely upset. She said that she was so upset and disappointed that I ruined dinner and didn't help her at all and of course I was upset and then I woke up and I was so worried but I realized that it was just a dream.
I told my aunt the dream and she immediately told me I had insecurities. I was like "uh, yeah,...but what about specifically?". And thats when she told me everything.
She started talking about how I should believe more in myself, one of the keys to happiness. That I can do anything that I set my mind to. She said I set high expectations for things and then I push myself towards the goal and when I don't make it I blame it all on myself and get depressed (which is soo true, cna testing along with everything else thats ever happened to me). If others can do something, why can't I? I can do anything, I'm not stupid and just because a door closed on me, theres other doors available. There always are. I don't depend on anyone to make me happy (which is me getting depressed and going to sleep had everything to do with it). She used this comparison: I have a phone and I use it and its good to have, but I don't need it. If it breaks or I lose it, oh well. It was good to have but I can get another one. A boy doesn't like me, oh well, I'm gonna find one who does. And in regards to Luisito not paying attention to me, that's not my problem, that's his. I'm just here to do my job and the best I can and whatever he does or doesn't do is his problem. I did the best I could and I should be proud of that.
She told me this story about a set of twins and her mom. One twin was pessimistic and the other optimistic. The pessimistic would cry whenever the sun would go to sleep or when a bird would come by because he was afraid that it would bite him. While the optimistic was always happy and jumping around and high on life. The twins' birthday was coming up and the mom was debating on what to give them for their birthday. She decided she was gonna give the pessimistic one a horse and the optimistic one the horses shit. She thought that by giving him the horse it would improve his negativity and so she went to go check on him. When she went into his room he was crying and she asked her son why he was so upset. He said he couldn't believe that was his horse, that it just couldn't be his. The mother reassured him that it was. But he still couldn't believe it, and he couldn't accept it. She felt like a failure at that point and went to go check on her other son. When she opened the door, he was jumping around and dancing and throwing the crap in the air and was so happy. She asked him why he was playing around in that. The little boy told her that there was horse crap in his room and that meant that there had to be a horse somewhere waiting for him.
I can do anything. I'm pretty, I'm not stupid and I'm not dumb. I should never compare to anyone else because I am my own person. It's not the outside that matters, so what I'm not thin or I don't have big enough boobs or other people look better, its the inside that matters in the end.
I am worthy and I am good enough for anything and anyone. I don't have to be pleading around to be loved, people have to be looking up at me. My aunt said this, I was born here in the United States and I am a united states citizen that's almost done with high school and after high school I'm gonna study my brains out and work so hard and I'm gonna be done with school in five years. I'll be a great professional and I'll have my own job and I'll travel with the person I chose to be with. And the rest, whatever.
So what Lindsay Lockwood and other girls have high gpa's, who says I can't get into a good college? I can do anything and I will do it. Maybe I don't have a high gpa, but thats not the only things that colleges look at. I have so much to offer and I will show the world
Casey doesn't determine my happiness, but his company is appreciated. I will stop thinking its too good to be true and actually enjoy the moment. I will stop setting high expectations on myself and others and just do the best that I can and the best I can be.
I will believe in myself because I'm great, I'm beautiful and when I smile I look even better.
This is a long journey but I'm ready, I'm so ready to make this change and help myself get through all these uncertainties.
