Say something.

Sunday, June 8, 2014

Mending broken hearts

I need to mend the broken heart of my 14-year old self. Those years were of a lot of confusion and unanswered questions. Why did my mom continue to live with a man that she didn't love and didn't love her back? Why was I so empty? Why did it feel like I was worthless and useless?

There was no growth. I was aimlessly wandering. I hated the idea of falling in love and opening myself up to the world. Friendships were a challenge for me, I didn't know how to make or have or keep friends. That's all clashing up to me now. Those feelings of wanting to have a life and friends and go to parties and do what "everyone else was doing" subconsciously stayed in my mind, repressed. Did I really want that?

More than anything I just wanted someone to look my way and show an interest in me. I wanted attention and I wanted to be understood and I wanted to share my feelings and I wanted to loved and be loved. I wasn't a happy child, I was sad by the things I thought I was supposed to have and didn't have. I grew up but the feelings were always there, my 14-year old broken heart distant but always nearby.

Dear 14-year old self,
It's okay to be confused. It's okay to feel sad, it's okay to feel all these feelings inside me. Right now things seem crazy and like the world is against you and that you can't do anything right, but we are not of this world. Don't pay attention to those girls that always brag about their "awesome life" because they're probably just as sad as you are. Those girls with all the friends and good looks? They're just as sad, or even sadder than you are. We're all sad and we don't know why.

There's only one thing that I hope you never forget: love yourself. Love all your flaws, love all of you. Smile. Always choose to smile and to love life just as it is. Choose happiness over any sad moment. Don't think about how things should be, because if they should have been that way then they would have been, but they aren't. Enjoy every little moment and always make time for yourself. Do the things you love. If you open yourself to people and let them inside you, you never know who might let you in as well.

Love and hope are crazy and beautiful things. To love someone else is risky, but it's always worth it. It might not make sense right now but it's okay. Ignore what everyone says. You don't need to have 50 friends and you don't need to be the prettiest. You don't need to go to all the parties and you don't need to have a boyfriend. Grow something beautiful with one friend, explore all the things within you and enjoy each others company. Be yourself, don't be so afraid. God will never leave you, even when it seems dark and cold. He'll always protect you.

I love you. I hope you always choose to love. Especially yourself. You're worth every penny and you mean something to a lot of people. You're strong and I admire you so much. Never give up. You can do anything.

Love,
Your 20-year self

Do I still carry the memories and dreams of my 14-year old self? Yes...I do. I don't want those things. I don't need those things. Those parties, those memories, they aren't my life. They never will be. I have something more beautiful waiting for me, I just have to be open minded and choose to allow God's will to break through.