Maybe

The question that lingers my mind now is...would I crave for something that I never knew I could have? Would my heart be homesick for you if I didn't know I could have you?

I see blissful couples traveling, Facebook posts of newly formed marriages, Instagram pictures of babies and puppies cuddling, and then encountered with couples being all lovey dovey in public...

Would I want all of that if I didn't know it was there? Would I feel like I was missing out on something?

I see all of that and I think "I want that". I want those moments, I want that kind of joy, I want to share that with someone...but do I really? Do I really want someone by my side? Do I really want a partner that inspires me and encourages me whenever I'm at my weakest? As the sun goes up that morning, do I want there to be someone beside me, going against all odds with me, starting our day together?

I got to the point where I realized I didn't want to be alone anymore. I told myself that this was it, no more days of fighting alone that I would soon come across my partner in crime, and that we would be a team, together, pushing through all and any obstacles.

But maybe I've been listening to too many love songs, maybe the media has brainwashed me into believing that I WANT someone when in reality my heart wants nothing more than love, not necessarily in a romantic way, but raw love from strangers, friends, family and God..

Maybe I want those pictures, those memories and those hands to hold because I want what everyone has and not for the right reasons.

Maybe I was in love with the idea of what was presented to me, what I believed would get me that amount of happiness.

I've always been jealous of all the connections and love I saw being shared among couples, I wanted that someday. But maybe it was just my human nature to want what I didn't have.

Maybe...

Go on

I see you slowly swim away 

Cause the light is leaving town

To a place that I can't be

There's no apologies

Just go on

Just go on

There're still so many things I wanna to say to you

But go on

Just go on

2 is the lucky number. Only 2 months. 

You came in unexpectedly. But it wasn't too difficult to walk back out, see you forgot to close the door on your way in. Your mind was always elsewhere, your eyes always looking back to the open door. You weren't ready for someone like me. 

And what is someone like me? I love from the moment we say hello. Possibly a reckless thing to do, but I always try to give my heart out whole. Maybe it's a bad habit, maybe I should stop. Someone told me to give my heart out after marriage...but that's no way to live. Then again, having a heart full of scars may be no way to live either. So where do we mark our boundary lines? Where should we stop ourselves from loving too much? Where should we stop ourselves from exposing our rawest selves? 

I don't want to stop myself from anything. I want to give. And if giving myself out whole means a little scar on my heart then I'll take it; scars heal and broken hearts are mended. It hurts a little right now to know we weren't on the same page, to know that you couldn't see who I really was, but I won't take it personally. You saved me from a lot of trouble. So thank you. If this little heartache means that you won't play with other hearts then I'll take it. 

What did I learn this time? Love myself and accept myself for who I am and what I stand for. If someone doesn't appreciate me or values the space that I made for them in my heart then it's best to walk away. I hope you find yourself and figure out what you really want. I wish you well. Bon voyage. 

There're still so many things I wanna to say to you 

But go on.....Just go on

Thank you

Thank you for loving me when I couldn't love myself.
Thank you for loving me when I couldn't see why someone was able to love me.
Thank you for listening to all my stories and absurd thoughts.
Thank you for giving me the best of you.
Thank you for trying to understand me even when I couldn't understand myself.
Thank you for all the jokes and cheesy pickup lines we shared.
Thank you for wanting to show me the world.
Thank you for letting me a part of YOUR world.
Thank you for showing me love in its rawest form.
Thank you for fighting for us.

Thank you...for letting me be.

We weren't meant for each other and probably not even meant to date, but we were young and had so much love to give.

Thank you for being the first. Thank you for giving me your heart. Thank you for taking mine.

I'm not going to fight it anymore, you're staying here forever.