It's ironic because I had said that today was gonna be the start of soul-searching within myself and this happens. I'm not upset or angry, but it will take a toll on me later on when my bank account starts getting a little weak.
I'm a strong believer that everything happens for a reason; always have been always will be. Lately I've been feeling so out of it. I keep thinking on the past and the future but never the present. I've never really been myself and I guess that's the problem, when you don't really know who you are then where do you stand?
What makes me cry? The thought of ending up alone, knowing my mom won't be with me all my life, hopeful romantic movies, knowing I've disappointed somebody.
What makes me laugh? Childish humor, my everyday happenings, my family's crazy shit, my mom's weird jokes, my dad's fake stories, when people are themselves.
What makes me angry? When i see injustices, when i'm misunderstood, when things don't go my way, not knowing what's gonna happen.
What makes me smile? My mom's smile and laugh, my grandma's exaggerating voice, my best friends, knowing my sisters are happy, knowing God loves me.
Today didn't have to happen, but it did. Why? Because I was driving carelessly. More specifically: I'm living carelessly. I'm not enjoying life and I'm growing old by the second. I feel old, I can't remember the last time I sat down and just enjoyed my own company without worrying about my surroundings. I can't remember the last time, well besides Narrow Ridge, and had a face to face, heart to heart with someone. I can't remember...the last time I was myself. Who is Maria? It's not this girl typing or the girl breathing.
I'm not sure yet who "Maria" is, but I want to get to know her, all of her. Her strengths, her weaknesses, her curves, her motives, her passion....I want to fall in love with myself. Most importantly, through my imperfections I'll be able to grow closer to my faith and fall deeply in love with God, more than any illogical love I've ever felt: it'll be completely head over heels and irrevocably in love with Him.
Whoever I am right now is being left behind tonight. Each second I am closer to finding more about myself and being in touch with me. I don't want to be disconnected anymore. I want to feel everything that touches my skin and that lives around me.
Here's to
