To be continued

So, how is your day so far?

I woke up wondering what my dream meant. Why do you come back? Is it to remind me of my worth and not to settle? Is it to let me know that we'll be together again someday? Or are you just teasing me, so that I always remember how great I had it and how much I've lost?

I miss the idea of you. I miss getting to know someone. I miss laughing for no reason. I miss getting ready for a night out. I do care for you, but we're not for meant for each other.

And you...just got off the phone with you. What are we?

I stayed in bed til 10:30 til I decided staying in bed all day wasn't a good idea. I cleaned a bit, made myself an egg/black bean/watercress/tomato sandwich on a multigrain ciabbata bread and it was DELICIOUS. Also with a homemade cappuccino frap on the side. I watched the Brazilian-Uruguay World Cup soccer game and it was so intense!! Washed my clothes and  now here I am, wondering why I'm so blessed to have great friends and family around me. Wondering how Mother Earth was so beautifully created. The sun, the sky, the clouds..why did I ever want to move to city with no sun?

I had a great talk with Cynthia Monday night. I was basing my happiness off of the affection of others. Yoel told me something though when I told him what was going on with me, he said, "Everyone wants that though, to love and be loved so don't put yourself down for that." He's right.  Who doesn't want to feel loved? Who doesn't want TO love and enter a mutual understanding with people? But I took it to an extreme. I had this emptiness within me that if I felt rejected by someone or didn't feel like accepted the love I was handing out I took it personally and shut down.

I am not going to connect with everyone. Not everyone has to think I'm "interesting" enough. Some people just suck and there opinion shouldn't determine who I am. It's better to have a couple of great friends than the whole world of mediocre individuals in my life. I don't like thinking of people as mediocre or average, because I genuinely believe that deep down people are waiting to love, butt not everyone is ready to face that.

I need to learn how to do small talk, lol.

No more sorries

As I looked at the sky and saw the stars wanting to show their light but were hidden by the clouds and city lights, I wished I was in Tennessee again. Actually, I was supposed to be in Tennessee again. That day. That night. Last night.

I was diagnosed with shingles about less than three weeks ago. I know, CRAZY. My body is on strike and it demands time, patience and love. I keep thinking I'm okay and that my body will push through, but it just may have reached its limits.

For about a week now I've been thinking about seeing a psychologist. There's a lot of things in my heart and mind that I haven't dealt with that I need to deal with. I've never felt understood, or like I fit in or belonged. Especially after last night.

Cachi's wedding.

I can't believe that she's married. Someone said, "Oh, I didn't cry because it felt like they've been married for a long time". No, they haven't. They've been together for almost 7 years and not once was their relationship easy or even seemed like they were married. Not because they lacked commitment but because of outsiders that decided they knew what was best for them. They've fought hard to get to where they want to get and I couldn't be happier for them and for all the endurance they carried. Giving up seems like the best option sometimes, why keep fighting something that may not be there? Maybe everyone else is right. But what about when you hold on to something, because despite what everyone else is telling you in your little heart you know that what you're doing is right. There's so many things wrong with the world, but believing in love and fighting for it is not one of them. 

Everything was so beautiful. The decorations, the lighting, the dresses, even the $150 cake centerpiece. The conversation was lovely. I was talking to Jon's uncle and he was telling me about he got saved and accepted Christ as his savior. He was so happy to be talking about his conversion and I was so happy to hear his testimony. God works in mysterious ways and last night he wanted me to remind me once again of how deeply he loves. His family was so loving, his son and daughter in law so welcoming. I connected with them. I told them a little about myself, a little of what my heart carries. Then the uncle asked, "So do you go to Claribel's church or where do you go?" I didn't want to answer that question, but I chewed on my piece of churrasco, gulped and answered, "I'm Catholic." As if I was afraid we wouldn't be friends anymore and that there would now be a wall between us. Catholicism had been forced down his throat and his wife had separated from the Catholic church and were now the blacksheep of the family. As all of this was going on, DJ and Nick were next to me and were probably wondering what planet I came from. I spoke to them all night, laughed and danced away, but there was no connection. I wanted to bond with them but there was nothing to bond. Even the few moments I thought that I had finally hooked on to something, it was a dead end. I told them, "I'm sorry I'm kind of boring". They quickly answered, "No no no no not at all"

Why do I keep doing that? Why do I keep saying sorry for being myself? I keep thinking there's something wrong with me. As I looked at familiar faces last night I wondered, "Why can't I be a normal 20-year old? Why am I worried about things out of my reach? Why can't I just enjoy the moment for what is and be young, wild and free?"

Those questions still haunt me this morning. I wanted to go out to this party at midnight last night, but didn't because my body was still weak and my mother being gone for the weekend wasn't an excuse for me to take advantage of her trust. I wouldn't have enjoyed myself, though. Everyone would have probably gotten drunk and I would have again felt left out. I kind of wanted to go because Nick was going to be there. I know, what's gotten in to me? But he's 20 and we could learn a lot from each other. Except that we don't want the same things and aren't even on the same path. Neither was any other guy around me last night.

Even Ken. The guy that I'm connected to the most and closest to in age. He doesn't understand. This is me. I'm "indescreta" because I want to share and connect. I feel very trusting and comfortable around people, which is a bit naive of me, but I'm built that way. I am an open book and I am the way I am whether we be in person or not. He doesn't get that. He doesn't get me. He's trying to change me. His words were "I'm trying to help you, so that you improve and become better". But what's wrong with me now? Why can't I be accepted for who I am? All my life I've had trouble with not being accepted for myself, so why am I still being attacked when I'm finally reaching a point of acceptance? I know you love me, and I know they do, but you're not helping me, you're hurting me.

It takes someone special to understand the way you're built and to know you. To see you. Diana sees me. We can have such a great time and still go back and forth on meaningful topics. Just being ourselves. So does Ana. Always on the same road of doubts and uncertainties, but still bask in what is love and life. And Anabel. Always on the road to self-discovery, but still enjoy the little joys of life and what it means to be happy. And Alena. Taking each day with a step towards a brighter future, a brighter friendship.

I've found a group of people that I can connect with. That see ME. I don't do things to harm people. I don't do them to bring attention to myself. I'm not going to tippy-toe around anyone. Love me. Accept me. ME.

But first, I need to love myself. Accept myself. Accept that I'm never going to be out drunk partying. Accept that I have flaws, but that they can be used for good. Accept that I'm not perfect, that I shouldn't have to be. Accept that I just want to love. Accept that I just want to be loved. Accept that unfortunately I am not going to connect with everyone that comes my way. Accept that I am not normal. Accept that I'm different. Accept that I have a God that loves me more than anything in this world and universe. Accept that He sent His only Son for me. Accept Jesus into my heart. Accept Him into my heart.

Thank you, Father. You built me this way and shaped me into this weird, oddly loving girl. The only thing I should be sorry for is not loving you enough.

Mending broken hearts

I need to mend the broken heart of my 14-year old self. Those years were of a lot of confusion and unanswered questions. Why did my mom continue to live with a man that she didn't love and didn't love her back? Why was I so empty? Why did it feel like I was worthless and useless?

There was no growth. I was aimlessly wandering. I hated the idea of falling in love and opening myself up to the world. Friendships were a challenge for me, I didn't know how to make or have or keep friends. That's all clashing up to me now. Those feelings of wanting to have a life and friends and go to parties and do what "everyone else was doing" subconsciously stayed in my mind, repressed. Did I really want that?

More than anything I just wanted someone to look my way and show an interest in me. I wanted attention and I wanted to be understood and I wanted to share my feelings and I wanted to loved and be loved. I wasn't a happy child, I was sad by the things I thought I was supposed to have and didn't have. I grew up but the feelings were always there, my 14-year old broken heart distant but always nearby.

Dear 14-year old self,
It's okay to be confused. It's okay to feel sad, it's okay to feel all these feelings inside me. Right now things seem crazy and like the world is against you and that you can't do anything right, but we are not of this world. Don't pay attention to those girls that always brag about their "awesome life" because they're probably just as sad as you are. Those girls with all the friends and good looks? They're just as sad, or even sadder than you are. We're all sad and we don't know why.

There's only one thing that I hope you never forget: love yourself. Love all your flaws, love all of you. Smile. Always choose to smile and to love life just as it is. Choose happiness over any sad moment. Don't think about how things should be, because if they should have been that way then they would have been, but they aren't. Enjoy every little moment and always make time for yourself. Do the things you love. If you open yourself to people and let them inside you, you never know who might let you in as well.

Love and hope are crazy and beautiful things. To love someone else is risky, but it's always worth it. It might not make sense right now but it's okay. Ignore what everyone says. You don't need to have 50 friends and you don't need to be the prettiest. You don't need to go to all the parties and you don't need to have a boyfriend. Grow something beautiful with one friend, explore all the things within you and enjoy each others company. Be yourself, don't be so afraid. God will never leave you, even when it seems dark and cold. He'll always protect you.

I love you. I hope you always choose to love. Especially yourself. You're worth every penny and you mean something to a lot of people. You're strong and I admire you so much. Never give up. You can do anything.

Love,
Your 20-year self

Do I still carry the memories and dreams of my 14-year old self? Yes...I do. I don't want those things. I don't need those things. Those parties, those memories, they aren't my life. They never will be. I have something more beautiful waiting for me, I just have to be open minded and choose to allow God's will to break through.

Come home

I want to go on a picnic. I want to lay on a blanket and watch the clouds drift by me. I want to feel the sun kiss my face. I want to feel the grass tickle my toes...

Then I'll go on a hike. I'll explore through the trees. I'll listen carefully to the songs of the birds. I'll look up and wonder how the trees got so tall. I'll stop and hear my heartbeat and feel in sync with everything around me.

I'll be hungry after all of that, so I'll go to the nearest pancake or waffle house and drown in pancakes and maple syrup. Or a bacon burger.

I'll watch the stars after that and pretend I know where the big dipper is. I'll stare at the moon and it's beautiful face. I'll wonder how lucky the stars might feel to be around such a lovely sight.

In all those moments, I hope I get to share them with you.

Wherever you are right now, I hope you're more than okay. I hope you're full of joy and full of wonder, just as I am.

I lose patience sometimes, and sometimes I'm okay. But right now...I wish you were here. I wish we could share a cup of coffee and watch some House. I wish we could talk about vacuum cleaners, vegetable steamers and how Asian curry is just never going to cut it.

I miss you. Come home.  

Soon

There's a lot of things I never thought I was capable of having or doing but I did and I do.

I didn't think I could ride my bike when I was younger, and I did.
I didn't ever think I'd find awesome best friends, and I found the most imperfectly perfect group of friends.
I didn't ever think I could not eat meat, and I was a pescatarian for 8 months.
I didn't think I was going to college, and I'm almost in my third year.
I didn't think I would ever be a part of so many beautiful communities, but I'm incredibly blessed and I am.
I didn't think I would ever have such an incredible relationship with my family, but I do.
I didn't think I would ever hang out with my mom or just chill, but we are.
I didn't think I could handle not being around Maria Teresa for so long, but I made it.
I didn't think I could go without having you near me, but I'm still here.

THAT'S RIGHT, I'M STILL HERE.

I'm going to get through this, just like I have with everything around me and I am going to succeed.

I am more than okay, I am GREAT.

I'm going to Tennessee in less than a month on the vision fast and then Brazil in the middle of July.
AND I have an awesome family that's there for me no matter what. A beautiful mom. An amazing God.

So guess what? I'll be fine. I'll have my moments and I'll wonder what could have been, but I'll be fine. I AM fine. I'm going to meet the love of my life soon and I'll understand why it couldn't have worked out between us. It'll be a love that will last and a love that I could have never imagined.

Actually, God is so great to me I already know what that feels like. A love that will take any pain away just to see you smile, that's God and He's perfect.

I will meet you one day. I hope soon.

Ay que pelear

Also, I'm on week two of the fresh start cleanse and although yesterday I went crazy, my mom and I are doing awesome.

I'm ready for change, I'm ready for a healthier lifestyle, I'm ready for growth and love and all things new.

"Ay que pelear!! Pelearla!!!"

Rachell Portell, sweetest lady that gave me such great advice. We're all on different paths, I have to stop comparing myself to others. I don't need to follow the set path that everyone is supposed to follow. I'm making my own way, and with God's guidance how can I make a wrong turn?

So many blessings, so many things to be grateful for...and most of all, so happy to be alive and around such beautiful people that always pick me up when I'm down.

Fresh Start

I know this is going to sound crazy, but I really hope I get to see you again.

There's something about you...I feel like a little girl, lol.
I haven't felt this way in a while. I want to sing, dance and...get to know you more.

I want to know what makes you smile, what makes you cry, what makes you laugh...

I met this guy at Trader Joe's tonight and I didn't think he'd be interested in me, I thought he was interested in Diana.

Why did I cut our conversation short?

Thank you, God. Wherever you're taking me I have no doubt it's leading to something beyond what I had imagined.

It's been a hell of a couple of weeks, but today was great night.

Tonight was great. Can't wait to see you again. :)

20

I'm 20, wow....it's been 20 years.

Dear older self,

You are so beautiful, you are so strong, you are a fighter, and you will not quit.
You deserve more than you give yourself credit for. You deserve the best of the freaking best.

You need to push your limits and go all the way and give it all you've got. Don't hold anything back and don't regret any decision, because at the end of the day if it's meant to be it will find a way back to you.

Live, learn, and love, but most importantly: love. Through love you learn and you'll know how to live.
Don't give up, it's too soon, too too soon. You've got such great plans and dreams ahead of you, you can't give up now. Not ever.

Come on, I'm rootin' for ya. You can DO this!

Love,
Me :*

L-o-v-e

I have the opportunity to do study abroad in Nicaragua for Summer A and I've been told it's a life-changing experience and I'm also doing the Vision Fast shortly after so I'm extremely excited. I recently found out about an opportunity to visit Brazil for two weeks in July and it looks like so much fun, but I feel like I might be overwhelming myself. Money set to the side, will I be emotionally capable of handling all of these different experiences in one summer? That's my biggest concern right now...
 
I started my job today at Gulfstream Elementary as a tutor through the America Reads program and I feel on top of the world. I see the struggles and challenges these children face just getting to school and I cannot wait to meet them and be a part of their life. 

Ahhhhh so many things. Also, feeling such good vibes in my life lately, moreso the past week. Love my church community, love my family, love my friends, love life....love God...love love love. 

Everyday's a struggle, but don't let that struggle determine your day. Keep going. There's something at the end of the road, and it will be HUGE and GREAT and OUT OF THIS WORLD. 

We're all in this together, struggling and facing challenges...we need each other. 

 

The Purpose Driven Life

1. "Love God with all your heart": worship
2. "Love your neighbor as yourself"": ministry
3. "Go and make disciples": evangelism
4. "baptize them into...": fellowship
5. "teach them to do all things...": discipleship

•  Talk it through with a spiritual partner or small group
• Give yourself a regular spiritual check-up
• Write down your progress in a journal 
• Pass on what you know to others 

1.  What will be the center of my life?

Who am I going to live for? 

1. What will be the character of my life? 

What kind of person will you be? God is far more interested in what you are than what you do. 

1. What will be the contribution of my life?

Is there a specific group in the Body that I am shaped to serve? SHAPE: Spiritual gifts, Heart, Abilities, Personality, Experiences. 

1. What will be the communication of my life?

Your mission to unbelievers; commitment to share your testimony and the Good News with others. 

1. What will be the community of my life? 

How will you demonstrate your commitment to other believers and connection to the family of God?

2013

With 2013 coming to an end, I've been trying to decide whether this was a good or bad year.
But..

Good or bad aren't the right words in trying to describe this year. This year was...wow...a roller coaster of emotions, a lot of spiritual growing (more like spiritual STUNT growth), growing up and maturing as a person...it was a year of complete change. The year started out by moving out from my first stable home of 8 years to an apartment with just my mom and I. I thought it would be much simpler and easier than it sounded, but eventually it took a toll on my emotionally and I was not expecting that.

Moving away from my psychotic stepdad who verbally abused my mother and I was definitely the right thing to do, but I left behind memories and my comfort. Moving into the unknown has always been (and still is) something I don't like and always fear. Not knowing where I'm stepping on or what's happening terrifies me the most. I don't like surprises, I like knowing what's going to happen. I like being in control.

Control is also one of the biggest challenges that I've dealt with this year. Trying to let go and let God is still my biggest struggle.Giving myself wholeheartedly to him is a struggle and I still don't know how to fully let go of all the things I'm holding on to. I realized this week that the reason why I still haven't fully matured and grown up to who I'm supposed to be is because I'm still living in the past. I'm still holding on to all those things I wanted to do but never did, to that one regret I haven't forgiven myself for, to the love I never got as a child... I don't want to hold on to that anymore. I want to be free and full of God's love, that's it. But it's easier said than done.

More than anything, this year was a lot about discovering who I am and accepting myself. Acccepting my curves, my flaws, my skills and the fact that yes I am overweight, but I'm no longer going to wait til I'm at my desired goal weight to be happy and love myself. NO. I am going to be happy with my body NOW. I won't fight against it anymore, I want to work with it and love every inch of skin and bump. But of course, I want to be healthier and more in shape, just not the way that I've been doing it for so long. 

Throughout the year I was still working at Panera Bread and I had a lot of crushes and likes at my job and at school and wherever I went. Wherever I went, whichever boy/guy/man looked in my direction I would always wonder "is it you? is that him? could this be the one?". But now...I don't even notice them. I've grown old of the game. No one really stands out to me, and when I think they do they aren't what I imagined. I wonder where you are, when I'll meet you, or if I've already met you, what you look like, all the adventures and trouble we'll get into...and as much as I really want all of that to happen right now, to meet you in the most unexpecting of ways, I also know that I'm not ready for you, or us, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm taking so long in getting myself together. There are still parts of me that I'm still exploring, parts of this world that are still unknown to me, and I want to explore these foreign parts with you, but I'm afraid I'm still weak in every way possible. I just want you to know that I love you with all my heart and that I want to go home already, that I'm homesick and that I miss you in more ways that I can ever describe...I'll be with you soon. While you wait for me, think of how beautiful the trees and birds and sky are...how their love is so infinite and so grand...neverending and selfish...think of how much God loves us and that he knows whats best for us. Think of His never-ending love.

I'm trying really hard to get it together, but I'm not. I'm not reaching my full potential in anything that I do: in school, church, extracurricular activities, family, my mom or even myself.

I faught with Diana, reunited with her once more, gained 20 pounds, went to Tennessee and met AMAZING people, quit CCD, started walking in the Neocatecumenado Way, met tia Maria Teresa aka one of the new loves of my life, went to Ocala with Amy and Armando, met TONS of new people at school and through YES club events, went Vegetarian from May to November (but no more labels), went to Gainsville and visited UF, decided on sticking with UNF, reunited with my Dad,...and now here I am, pet-sitting a dog named Lucy and still feeling antsy. I could have done so much more and put so much more effort in everything I did.

I don't want to continue saying I want to do something and not do them. I don't want to make anymore promises and then disappointing others. I don't want to keep disappointing myself. I can do so much more.

This year...
2014 be good to me. This year was so overwhelming and incredible and terrifying and one of the biggest years of self-awakening...but 2014, let's put all these plans to action, let's really put my heart and mind to everything that I do and to everyone that's around me. Let's not waste a second on being prideful and full of immaturity. Let's focus on living life, loving myself and serving others. Most of all: let's focus on living life for God, loving myself for God and serving others for God. Let all the praise and riches go to our Holy Father.

2013 you freaking tore me up, so 2014 do me a favor and help me get all the pieces right this time.

God, I know you're out there, please help me. I can't do this without you.

I love you, Dad.

Wake-up call

I had a car crash today. Nothing serious, I'm alright and so is Lucy. However, the other car not so much. Her whole left bumper is gone ._.

It's ironic because I had said that today was gonna be the start of soul-searching within myself and this happens. I'm not upset or angry, but it will take a toll on me later on when my bank account starts getting a little weak.

I'm a strong believer that everything happens for a reason; always have been always will be. Lately I've been feeling so out of it. I keep thinking on the past and the future but never the present. I've never really been myself and I guess that's the problem, when you don't really know who you are then where do you stand?

What makes me cry? The thought of ending up alone, knowing my mom won't be with me all my life, hopeful romantic movies, knowing I've disappointed somebody.

What makes me laugh? Childish humor, my everyday happenings, my family's crazy shit, my mom's weird jokes, my dad's fake stories, when people are themselves.

What makes me angry? When i see injustices, when i'm misunderstood, when things don't go my way, not knowing what's gonna happen.

What makes me smile? My mom's smile and laugh, my grandma's exaggerating voice, my best friends, knowing my sisters are happy, knowing God loves me.

Today didn't have to happen, but it did. Why? Because I was driving carelessly. More specifically: I'm living carelessly. I'm not enjoying life and I'm growing old by the second. I feel old, I can't remember the last time I sat down and just enjoyed my own company without worrying about my surroundings. I can't remember the last time, well besides Narrow Ridge, and had a face to face, heart to heart with someone. I can't remember...the last time I was myself. Who is Maria? It's not this girl typing or the girl breathing.


I'm not sure yet who "Maria" is, but I want to get to know her, all of her. Her strengths, her weaknesses, her curves, her motives, her passion....I want to fall in love with myself. Most importantly, through my imperfections I'll be able to grow closer to my faith and fall deeply in love with God, more than any illogical love I've ever felt: it'll be completely head over heels and irrevocably in love with Him.

Whoever I am right now is being left behind tonight. Each second I am closer to finding more about myself and being in touch with me. I don't want to be disconnected anymore. I want to feel everything that touches my skin and that lives around me.

Here's to a new me living.

One of those nights...

Why am I sad?

I lack energy. What's going on?

Literally a "restless day and sleepless night".

I'm drinking some Raspberry tea to try to make me feel better but I feel this terrible cloud of sadness over me.

And then suddenly...I'm back. Will it be temporary?

Self-discipine

I always have something to say or want to post something extremely important and relevant and by the time I actually get to sit down and do it I can't think of what to right or it didn't seem important anymore..

I need to walk around with a notebook because if not I'll keep forgetting..sigh.

Namaste

It's been a month and half since I last posted and I can't go on another day without posting and updating on my life.

Many, many things have changed and many things haven't.

Narrow Ridge, Washburn, Tennessee. Such a life-changing and eye-opening experience. I met so many incredible people, including Bill+Mitzi, my earth siblings and also got close and personal with Mother Nature. I've never felt so at peace and so at home. I learned so much about myself and about others. I'm not alone, I never was. There is a community of people out there that are fighting everyday in honor of our beautiful and sick Earth. We need to act now.

My lifestyle and major changed during and after the trip. I am now vegetarian, well pescatarian for the most part (still trying to figure out how to let go of fish...). I am not against the killing of animals; I am against how animals are injected with hormones and mass produced to feed an egotistic society. I refuse to be a part of that. Of course I'm still learning a long the way, so my thoughts on that might change, but for now that's how I feel. I switched my major to Environmental Management in Agriculture and Natural Resources, I want to focus on sustainability and food so I'm still working on how I'm going to tie everything together. Everything will fall into place though so I'm not too worried about it! :) I just want to do so much and I need to learn how to manage my time better so that I can be as productive as possible, and get enough sleep at the same time!

Boys...they never seem to leave my life. There's two I have my eye on right now but...I don't really know where it's going. I wish I did know, but right now God is giving me the chance to focus on myself and my family so I don't want to lose sight of that right now. I need that time to grow and if there isn't anyone, at the time, to grow with then I don't need someone to drag me down. I ain't time for that.

Mmm....Oh! I'm Environmental Captain of Panera now. I wanted to quit, but I have a mission to do and I can't just quit now. Chris told me yesterday that he submitted my name to become in charge of all 12 Panera cafe's. I'M SUPER EXCITED. I CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE!!!!!!

Tonight I'm going on an all weekend retreat to learn more about myself, the Bible and God. I'm scared and I'm excited. I don't know what to expect but I'm ready.


I'm going to make a list (mostly to help sort out myself because I can do that better in writting) of what I want.

I want to make a difference; not just in someone's life but on the world. God created Earth and we're just going to let it die and not do anything about it? At some point, I want to have a family and a few children. I want to get married to my partner, my lover and man that God has chosen for me. What scares me the most is divorce: I want something that will last forever, a never-ending love where everyday I will be happy and faithful, as well as he will be to me. I want to grow with somebody, where they will accept me for who I am and see me for me. Love is patient, I want the whole package. I want to travel one day, to help third-world countries, to spread the word and love of God, to grow in God's love and faith, to love my family and spend as much time with all those around me. 

Namaste.

Hello, May...

The sad part is: I don't care anymore. I love you, but it's not worth it anymore. I tried, I really did with all my heart and God knows it. At the end, it was all about you as always.

Some of us have some growing up to do: growing apart, growing together, growing in faith, growing in love, but mostly growing as a person. I'm definitely one of them. My priorities are not in shape and they need to be, for the sake of my sanity and well-being.

I have so many plans, so many ideas, so many thoughts in my head, but before I go out there and demand change, I must first change my ways and myself. As I said before, I refuse to change myself for anyone's benefit or happiness.

I've been talking to Daniela and Alejandra a lot about California and Arizona. They've been telling me not to force anything, that everything should come easily, naturally. Maybe they've been referring to other things too, maybe, even though they didn't know, it was about Diana all this time. Keeping our friendship took so much work and patience, and as much as I had fun and felt happy, it took a lot of work to keep her by. Nothing worth it ever comes easy, but nothing should be on such extremes all the time to the point of frustration and desperation. I miss you, I do, but I need to love me more. I'm not tired of giving so much, but I am tired of not being appreciated. Actions will always speak louder than words.

God, I still don't know what you're up to, but I'm still a fighter and I haven't given up yet. Guide me in the best way possible and always fill my heart with Your love and unconditional support. When in doubt, please remember that I am human and a sinner, but your daughter nonetheless.

When it's cold outside, I got the month of May.

You are you...are you sure?

"You will always be too much of something for someone: too big, too loud, too soft, too edgy. If you round out your edges, you lose your edge." -Danielle LaPorte, The Positivity of Pride

I'm not changing for anyone's benefit or happiness. I am me and that is the greatest thing I should be proud of. 

So far, so far

So many thoughts going through my head. Im not doing well anywhere and wherever I turn sometjing new always seems to pop up. I stayed up all night studying and I kept getting distracted and woild fall asleep on and off. I took my chem test buy I'm sure I didn't do too well. Now I'm tired, hungry and I left my wallet at home. I have math in less than an hour and then I have to wait for Stephen because we carpooled in his car today and he decided to do this project with some girl. I have no energy but I want to study :/

Then during my test my dad texted me asking me if I could do him a favor. He needed to borrow $500. I was actually gonna do it but my mom suggested I didn't.  He's always bsck to his old ways, she said. But I wanted to give him a chance. I didnt do it though.

Things will work out though. I have to believe, I can't do anything more.

B.C./A.C.

I can separate my life in two diffferent phases: Before Casey, After Casey.

I've been wondering lately why I settle so much for things, and it's because after him I have no choice but to settle.

It's 11:46PM and I have to study for chemistry. Here I go.

Waiting, Wishing, Thinking

Drained.

P.S. I Love You is on TV and I started crying within five minutes. I want to keep crying.

I keep thinking I'm closer and finally reaching an understanding of many things in my life, but instead situations continue to be added to the pile and more unanswered questions continue to be left behind.

God, You know I hate surprises, what are You doing up there?