Updating

My last post was on July 23, and I can't remember what it was about...

ANYWAYZ. I should probably update my blog. A lot of things have been going on and tomorrow I leave to Jamaica (wassup ;D) and I need to blog before more things happen.

I shall start with my personal, intimate life(lol):
Hmm...things with Casey have been going smooth and steady. We're still friends, but obviously we're not just friends. We've been talking almost every night on the phone, except for the past two nights, up until 4am and the conversations have been nice. I've learned more about the kind of person he is, a little bit about his childhood and shared some things about his family and how they are. In a nutshell, he's opened up a bit more. I've opened up too, but of course I don't get all cheesy and lovey dovey cause we're still friends and we're dating and we're NOT official yet so I try to hold back a little. It slips out though at times ._. I know he likes me and and enjoys all the times we talk, but what about my flaws? He hasn't seen the other side of me, the emotionally unstable, moody, impatient, desperate, lazy, annoying, irritating, bitchy side of me. I come with a package, no correction, I come with a whole set of luggage with too many tricky pockets in between. Will he learn to accept those flaws? He likes my good side, can he be okay with the bad?
We're going to Bayside today, I think, and I haven't seen him in two weeks. We only talk at night and in the mornings/afternoon we do our thing. To me, it seems as if we're not apart of each others real, daily lives yet. We've created this separate realm which we enter once it hits nightime, where our reality goes to sleep. When will we start becoming apart of each others reality? Our real lives?

Its hard to keep a balance between letting someone make you happy and not depending on that person to make you happy. I don't want to forget my plans, my goals, my dreams. I have things I want to accomplish, and I don't want to change route or plans just because someone comes along. Yes, I can't be selfish anymore since I'm in a "relationship", but I have to stay on top of my game.

Now, on to my personal, not intimate life:
Denis Eleazar is in a coma. I feel sympathy for his family and all, but I don't feel sad. I know he's my cousin and all, but I never got around to knowing him on a personal level like that. Everyone's praying and hoping he gets better, and I'm not saying that I'm not, but I just don't feel it. I've tried too, I really have. He's a really nice guy and he's not a snobby bitch like my uncle's other kids, so I really like him. He's real and honest. I do hope he gets better soon.
Ever since tio Noel left to Nicaragua, I've always wondered when I'd see Sebastian and Alexis again. They would always come to my house on weekends and we'd spend time together and it was great. But they disappeared and I never heard from them again. This week, I came to tia Maritza's house but it took me a while to finally decide whether I should come or not. What led me to come was that I couldn't be home for a week doing homework and having lots of time to think about things; thinking's bad and I need to keep myself occupied, so here I am. Apparently, God had bigger plans for me, for all of my family. I don't usually pick up the house phone, but on Tuesday around noon the phone rang and I picked up. It was Beverly, Sebastian and Alexis' mom. She wanted to talk to tia Maritza about tio Noel, so I gave her my aunts cell and that was it. I wanted to say so much, to ask about my cousins so badly. But I didn't. I stayed quiet. I was just another voice on the phone. I called tia Maritza and told her what happened and asked if it was okay that I had given out her number, and she was fine with it, actually said she was glad I did. Tio Alcides called me later and asked me what she had said (word had spread around that Beverly had called) and wanted her number. When tia Maritza came home she was talking to her on the phone and they had decided that they would go to her house wednesday night to see them again. Tio alcides/Ivania/Ivan/Escarleth/Abuelita Eva/Luisito/Edward/Tia Maritza/Me all went to Pompano Beach at 8pm on our voyage to reunite with our long lost cousins. We reached the house and it took a while for someone to answer the door, but Beverly came out and then Sebastian. When I finally saw him, I got a little emotional. He looked like the same little boy except so much taller and mature looking. He used to be so tiny and and now he's taller and bigger than me. Everyone was so excited and happy, we didn't know what to do and say but to keep staring at him. He looks IDENTICALLY as tio Noel, as if someone put his face on this boys body. I thought he wouldn't want to open up and be distant and cold, but it was the opposite. Of course the conversations were limited, but at least he tried and he smiled a lot :) My uncle wanted to kidnap him and they all wanted to take him right then and there, but I told them to come back down to earth and think about it. Its a lot to take in for one night and Sebastian needed to process things and decide with his mom what they wanted to do next. They saw my viewpoint and agreed so we parted afterawhile and then on our way back home.

Yesterday was great. My aunt came home early, around 3, and we quickly packed up for Yoel's birthday party and were later on the road. First, we went to this warehouse where they sell super cute bathing suits and at a really good price and my aunt bought me this pretty pink polka dot one, and I don't like polka dots, but it looked really good one me c: Now though she wants to return the one she bought me at Target and I'm like..uh..no. Lol jk, sorta. I drove all the way to homestead and let the fun begin. Yoel's cute friends were there, oh and Jackie and my dad too, when we got there. Jackie and I catched up a bit and started eating and getting bloated, not cute. Harry came later and started talking about he was depressed ever since his girlfriend and him broke up. Lol @ guys being sad and lonely, but I feel for him. Poor guy, really. After Escarleth finished eating, I drove us to my house to pick up my contacts and a cute shirt to wear for my date on friday. Then when we came back, we got in the pool and played some water-volleyball with my cousins and tio Pablo, lol he's too funny. Sebastian looked like he was having a great time :) Yoel got his whole face and hair full of cake, muah ha ha. Then slowly everyone started leaving and Sebastian decided he wanted to stay at tia Luz's house, which is completely understandable since she has a pool, so much video games and entertainment and her house IS HUGE. We came back happy, happy that Sebastian is finally with us and that we get to spend some time with him as we get to know each other more and hopefully he trusts us enough soon to build a strong relationship. I miss Alexis, though. Where is she? I only saw her in picture and supposebly she's still at her grandma's....somethings fishy.

I can't wait for all the things coming up in my life. Unfortunate events will always happen, and thats life. But along with all of the tragedies, more than pleasant surprises always manage to squeak in.

I've had many ups and downs in my life, but thankfully I was blessed with a wonderful mother and a terrific family to keep me grounded. Shit always happens, but in the end...if there's shit, that only means there's a horse somewhere.

Contradicting

I’ve always said money isn’t everything, especially when it comes to happiness.

But why am I choosing it instead?

CD’s

I went to Starbucks this morning cause I had spare 30 minutes and I decided to buy the new Death cab album. AND GUESS WHAT? THEY DIDN’T HAVE IT. SFLJK.FDGK

I did get a java chip frap, but nothing else. No cd. No nothing. I guess I should download it over the internetz ~

Old english assignments

I remembered a poem I had written a long time ago about a boy, any boy, while  I was “all up in my feelings”, and i found it again.

It goes with what I’m feeling, in a way, right now. Here’s the ending of it:

He’s a cliffhanger to some,

But most of all to me.

I plan on seeking the clues to his riddle,

That much I can guarantee.

Is it worth the challenge?

Are you all you seem to be?

Monday, June 11th 2011

My first real date.

Ah yes, the morning felt like any other. Nothing out of the ordinary. The usual cleaning crew were cutting the lawn, my mom was out at the gym. My cousins were somewhere out there either sleeping or eating breakfast. Others were getting ready for their day of work.

But me.

I had to get up to get ready for a very important day.

I didn't want to make a big deal about it. I wanted to play it cool, and just pretend a couple of friends were hanging out, which in essence that's exactly was going on, but this was different.

I cleaned the bathroom, made my room tidy (and thanks to my mom she sort of cleaned it since I had been gone for awhile), got laundry done, changed my comforter/bed sheets, etc. The plan was that Casey would get there at 4 and leave at 9 since my mother thinks any other time would have been late, but things happened differently. Apparently, his parents forgot that today he was supposed to come over and they made plans to go to the beach, so the time was changed to 6pm. I was fine with it, I had enough time to get my hair nice and unfrizzy and look for a decent outfit. Since I had to cancel Diana's and I plans for tuesday, I picked her up to go to walmart cause I needed to buy some things for the smores cookies and a new hand mixer (finally!!!). Diana decided to tell the whole walmart that I was going on a date, oh AND the whole parking lot. I love her so much, but please don't do that again sfjsfgkdngdj.s,j. Anyways, I got home at around 4 something and it turns out my mom didn't want butter, she had wanted sour cream >.< I had to go out AGAIN to buy sour cream and it turns out Casey now changed the time to 5 so I didn't have time for anything!!!! My hair looked like frizzy shit thanks to the humidity outside, I changed three times and went back to what I was originally wearing and forgot to change back to my strapless bra, so my straps kept showing probably, *sigh*.

I was brushing my teeth and he called me and said he was outside parking. I went outside to tell him where to park and found myself literally melting, i felt so nasty. I saw him and it was like he'd always been there. I hugged him and then said hi to his mom and then met his dad (who is incredibly attractive for a man his age). They came into my house and then they said a quick goodbye and left.

I'll finish in the morning cause I'm writing tooooooo much fluff and I need to go to bed!!

july 12 2011

I'm exhausted, its 1:29am and I NEED to go to sleep. Tia Maritza and I were bathing suit shopping today at the Sports Authority and Target and we decided to start going for runs every morning. My dumbass self said 6am -_- WHY. WHY. WHY. I'm gonna be so tired in the morning. But it should pay off, it has too...that bathing suit and skirt my aunt got me are too cute to look all jiggly in.
Oh and today were the Edward's and Luisito's swimming lessons and Ivan goes there too meaning Jackie/Escarleth came along and we catched up ^.^ and don't get me started on those sexy lifeguards ;D

Oh and my uncle Luis bought me chicken nuggets from Arby's and I got a heart shaped chicken nugget :p

hmm...what else....oh yeah, the reason why I needed to blog this late. I'll make it a seperate post.

WOW...I really AM tired ._.

I have my passport in my suitcase, my suitcase is in the guest room.
All I ask is to travel, somewhere far, could be near, but please...anywhere.

At this point

I have this desperation to be anywhere but here. I want I need to go somewhere, a trip of some sort, preferably with a plane ride in between my departure and arrival but I won’t be picky.

Please…I don’t want to be here.

Sigh. I know its not gonna happen.

Him

What do I like about you? Anabel once asked me what made you stand out from the rest, and I keep thinking about it. What makes you so special? You're smart and funny, but I have friends that fit under that description and I'm not dating them

Maybe it's the way you look at me, as if there's no one else in the room. The way you say my name. How you can always seem to make me feel better. How one conversation with you can make me forget everything. Our silly fights about nothing. That you listen to everything I say and don't complain that I talk too much. That you give me the space that I need and aren't too clingy. The way you say you love my beautiful smile and that's all you want to see.

If only you weren't so dependent of your mother. If only you made your own decisions and didn't have to ask mommy for everything.

Haven't posted in awhile...

I've been back on tumblr lately, but to rant/post about unimportant things of my life, of course.

Sunday June 26th

• went to the beach with my best friend and family for my Grandma's au revoir party. There was a boundary line separating the nude beach from the public eye...lol I still thought it was funny.
  
• Diana stayed at my house for awhile and we talked while the rain whistled softly against my window
  
• I got the courage to talk to Casey; I didn't want to but I was about to move on and I didn't wanna move thinking "what if i had said something". He apologized for not saying anything and then we talked for about four hours
  

Monday June 27

• Casey had suggested a movie night the day before and he couldn't come to my house cause his parents didn't let him go to someone's house if they didn't know the parents
• My mom didn't feel comfortable with the fact that I would be in his house when she didn't know anyone
• He wanted for my parents and his family to have dinner together, UH NO.
  
• My mom and his mom talked on the phone and she basically implied my mom was an irresponsible mother and I was some desperate girl for taking innitiative. His mom also said he didn't want his son to get distracted and that she didn't want us to be more than friends; nothing formal, nothing serious. Yay \m/
• I told him we should just stay friends but he said I was misunderstanding everything and that I was worth fighting for and that he wasn't gonna give up so easily
• Found two awesome dresses at Macy's for $9.99 each, WASSUP. Got a cute necklace for $1.99. HOLLA
• Diana came over again and I'm so glad she did cause I was down in the dumps.
• Sex and the city + best friend + cloudy day/rain = luckiest girl <3

Tuesday June 28th

• Senior pictures :D The photographer Manny was so fiiiiiiine, but Michael has my heart <3
• Picked up yoel at summer camp and took him to his baseball game, he's the youngest and best on the team :')
• Ate some strawberry italian ice cream, cheddar cheese soup and macncheese from tia Luz's house
• PRETTY LITTLE LIARS
• Almost went to the movies to watch the Transformers premiere but tia Luz said it was too dangerous

Wednesday June 29th

• The rain woke me up :')
  
• made some double cheese, egg and bacon biscuits
• attempted online school, but bought my school books instead and window shopped online a little
• Grandma might go to D.C. and I might go with her :D
• Came back to Tia Maritza's house, and she got a new comforter and its soooo good to me :>
• great talks with my aunt while cooking with her
• going the distance + casey on the phone
  

mmmm

I made some double cheese and bacon biscuits.

Now I’m really tired and lazy and feel all sluggish and online school gets the boot.

I need to work on my priorities >.<

My uncle J.P

My uncle Miguel wants us al to hang out tomorrow with my grandma and my uncle J.P  suggested this place. I’ve been asking everyone and no one knows what “this place” is –_- My aunt finally texted me though, and its this normal regular beach. But for my uncle J.P. to recommend this place, that means its REALLY good.

I searched it up lol…it’s a nude beach.

Should I tell everyone now, or should I wait to see their faces?

Ah what the heck, I’ll just wait to see their reaction. It’s their fault anyways, why would they trust him in picking the place?

Lololololol

Nevermind I couldn’t hold it in and told my aunt.

:')

Rain + Lord of the rings = BEST AFTERNOON THIS WEEK

yesyesyesyesyyesyesyes

http://theswhlnkristabel.tumblr.com/post/6747364661/dearestmaryze-kelvinween-harry-potter

Recipes I MUST try as soon as I get back home!

http://www.keepitsweetblog.com/chocolate-chip-cookie-dough-ice-cream-bars/
http://www.asweetpeachef.com/chicken/chicken-parmesan/
http://www.runningwithtweezers.com/food-styling-sandwich/
http://www.overthehillandonaroll.com/2011/06/gruyere-grilled-cheese-with-prosciutto.html
http://tastejunction.blogspot.com/2011/06/go-green-spinach-spaghetti.html
http://www.the-baker-chick.com/2011/06/caramel-filled-snickerdoodles.html
http://www.singforyoursupperblog.com/2011/06/21/oreo-stuffed-brownies/
http://somekitchenstories.com/2011/06/20/chocolate-mug-of-sadness/
http://somekitchenstories.com/2011/06/10/holy-crap-smore-cookies/
http://blogchef.net/mashed-potato-bowl-recipe/
http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/2YACg2/mingmakescupcakes.yolasite.com
http://chocolatecoveredkatie.com/2011/04/27/worlds-healthiest-chocolate-chip-cookies/
http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/1KZmIS/www.flickr.com/photos/bettycrockerrecipes/4595758178
http://passthesushi.com/celebrate-fathers-day-boston-cream-pie
http://www.browneyedbaker.com/2011/06/16/creamy-macaroni-salad-recipe/
http://www.howsweeteats.com/2011/06/no-bake-smores-bars/
http://www.girlcooksworld.com/2011/06/peach-melba-parfait.html
http://www.52kitchenadventures.com/2011/06/15/smores-cupcake-ice-cream-sandwiches/
http://www.kevinandamanda.com/recipes/dinner/cheeseburger-macaroni.html
http://www.melskitchencafe.com/2011/06/smoked-turkey-club-panini.html
http://mamagrubbsgrub.blogspot.com/2011/06/skywalker-smoothie.html
http://mamagrubbsgrub.blogspot.com/2011/06/banana-peanut-butter-smoothie.html
http://www.bluebonnetsandbrownies.com/2011/06/16/savory-tomato-pie-recipe/

I'm speechless

One simple dream and my aunt hit all the bad habits I have.

I took a small nap cause I was feeling sad and a little down and I dreamt that I was sleeping and that my aunt had come home from work and made some food and rice and she told me to check on it because she was gonna go to sleep. I overslept and I quickly ran to the kitchen to see that everything was already made and that the rice was gone so I went to her room and she was extremely upset. She said that she was so upset and disappointed that I ruined dinner and didn't help her at all and of course I was upset and then I woke up and I was so worried but I realized that it was just a dream.
I told my aunt the dream and she immediately told me I had insecurities. I was like "uh, yeah,...but what about specifically?". And thats when she told me everything.

She started talking about how I should believe more in myself, one of the keys to happiness. That I can do anything that I set my mind to. She said I set high expectations for things and then I push myself towards the goal and when I don't make it I blame it all on myself and get depressed (which is soo true, cna testing along with everything else thats ever happened to me). If others can do something, why can't I? I can do anything, I'm not stupid and just because a door closed on me, theres other doors available. There always are. I don't depend on anyone to make me happy (which is me getting depressed and going to sleep had everything to do with it). She used this comparison: I have a phone and I use it and its good to have, but I don't need it. If it breaks or I lose it, oh well. It was good to have but I can get another one. A boy doesn't like me, oh well, I'm gonna find one who does. And in regards to Luisito not paying attention to me, that's not my problem, that's his. I'm just here to do my job and the best I can and whatever he does or doesn't do is his problem. I did the best I could and I should be proud of that.

She told me this story about a set of twins and her mom. One twin was pessimistic and the other optimistic. The pessimistic would cry whenever the sun would go to sleep or when a bird would come by because he was afraid that it would bite him. While the optimistic was always happy and jumping around and high on life. The twins' birthday was coming up and the mom was debating on what to give them for their birthday. She decided she was gonna give the pessimistic one a horse and the optimistic one the horses shit. She thought that by giving him the horse it would improve his negativity and so she went to go check on him. When she went into his room he was crying and she asked her son why he was so upset. He said he couldn't believe that was his horse, that it just couldn't be his. The mother reassured him that it was. But he still couldn't believe it, and he couldn't accept it. She felt like a failure at that point and went to go check on her other son. When she opened the door, he was jumping around and dancing and throwing the crap in the air and was so happy. She asked him why he was playing around in that. The little boy told her that there was horse crap in his room and that meant that there had to be a horse somewhere waiting for him.

I can do anything. I'm pretty, I'm not stupid and I'm not dumb. I should never compare to anyone else because I am my own person. It's not the outside that matters, so what I'm not thin or I don't have big enough boobs or other people look better, its the inside that matters in the end.

I am worthy and I am good enough for anything and anyone. I don't have to be pleading around to be loved, people have to be looking up at me. My aunt said this, I was born here in the United States and I am a united states citizen that's almost done with high school and after high school I'm gonna study my brains out and work so hard and I'm gonna be done with school in five years. I'll be a great professional and I'll have my own job and I'll travel with the person I chose to be with. And the rest, whatever.

So what Lindsay Lockwood and other girls have high gpa's, who says I can't get into a good college? I can do anything and I will do it. Maybe I don't have a high gpa, but thats not the only things that colleges look at. I have so much to offer and I will show the world

Casey doesn't determine my happiness, but his company is appreciated. I will stop thinking its too good to be true and actually enjoy the moment. I will stop setting high expectations on myself and others and just do the best that I can and the best I can be.

I will believe in myself because I'm great, I'm beautiful and when I smile I look even better.

This is a long journey but I'm ready, I'm so ready to make this change and help myself get through all these uncertainties.

:')

http://passportandsuitcase.tumblr.com/post/6774122151/tia-maritza-is-sooooo-great-i-wish-i-could-have

Monday, June 20th 2011

• Luisito came into my room, turned off the air and woke me up at 10am...oops I overslept ._.
• Made the boys pancakes, banana shake and cut up some fruits
• watched spongebob while we ate breakfast
• watched the middle/ending of 500 days of summer
  
• Luisito got a headache and I was feeling hangover oddly so I decided we all go take a nap
• the nap didn't work out but I was resting so it was all good, and a little bit after it started raining :3
• lunch: chicken, rice, beans, broccoli
• watched how to train a dragon, fell asleep and then someone was banging on the door: it was Escarleth dropping off my grandma
• According to my grandma, I hurt her feelings all because I said "its weird that now people start caring that I'm all by myself when I'm old and used to it" and she got "offended" and she doesn't even wanna talk to me because according to her I don't want her here
• picked mangos from the garden with my tia Maritza
• sorta watched the time travelers wife, but i didn't wanna get into it cause I would for sure start crying
• onlineschoolonlineschoolonlineschoolonlineschool
  

finally talked to my cookie

but then my aunt came and gave us life lessons and then everyone else came along and then maria luisa had to go study so we didn't talk as much as I wanted to :/

rub a dub dub time!

I left my flip flops at diana's house so I brought my water shoes to take a shower \m/
Word.