No more sorries

As I looked at the sky and saw the stars wanting to show their light but were hidden by the clouds and city lights, I wished I was in Tennessee again. Actually, I was supposed to be in Tennessee again. That day. That night. Last night.

I was diagnosed with shingles about less than three weeks ago. I know, CRAZY. My body is on strike and it demands time, patience and love. I keep thinking I'm okay and that my body will push through, but it just may have reached its limits.

For about a week now I've been thinking about seeing a psychologist. There's a lot of things in my heart and mind that I haven't dealt with that I need to deal with. I've never felt understood, or like I fit in or belonged. Especially after last night.

Cachi's wedding.

I can't believe that she's married. Someone said, "Oh, I didn't cry because it felt like they've been married for a long time". No, they haven't. They've been together for almost 7 years and not once was their relationship easy or even seemed like they were married. Not because they lacked commitment but because of outsiders that decided they knew what was best for them. They've fought hard to get to where they want to get and I couldn't be happier for them and for all the endurance they carried. Giving up seems like the best option sometimes, why keep fighting something that may not be there? Maybe everyone else is right. But what about when you hold on to something, because despite what everyone else is telling you in your little heart you know that what you're doing is right. There's so many things wrong with the world, but believing in love and fighting for it is not one of them. 

Everything was so beautiful. The decorations, the lighting, the dresses, even the $150 cake centerpiece. The conversation was lovely. I was talking to Jon's uncle and he was telling me about he got saved and accepted Christ as his savior. He was so happy to be talking about his conversion and I was so happy to hear his testimony. God works in mysterious ways and last night he wanted me to remind me once again of how deeply he loves. His family was so loving, his son and daughter in law so welcoming. I connected with them. I told them a little about myself, a little of what my heart carries. Then the uncle asked, "So do you go to Claribel's church or where do you go?" I didn't want to answer that question, but I chewed on my piece of churrasco, gulped and answered, "I'm Catholic." As if I was afraid we wouldn't be friends anymore and that there would now be a wall between us. Catholicism had been forced down his throat and his wife had separated from the Catholic church and were now the blacksheep of the family. As all of this was going on, DJ and Nick were next to me and were probably wondering what planet I came from. I spoke to them all night, laughed and danced away, but there was no connection. I wanted to bond with them but there was nothing to bond. Even the few moments I thought that I had finally hooked on to something, it was a dead end. I told them, "I'm sorry I'm kind of boring". They quickly answered, "No no no no not at all"

Why do I keep doing that? Why do I keep saying sorry for being myself? I keep thinking there's something wrong with me. As I looked at familiar faces last night I wondered, "Why can't I be a normal 20-year old? Why am I worried about things out of my reach? Why can't I just enjoy the moment for what is and be young, wild and free?"

Those questions still haunt me this morning. I wanted to go out to this party at midnight last night, but didn't because my body was still weak and my mother being gone for the weekend wasn't an excuse for me to take advantage of her trust. I wouldn't have enjoyed myself, though. Everyone would have probably gotten drunk and I would have again felt left out. I kind of wanted to go because Nick was going to be there. I know, what's gotten in to me? But he's 20 and we could learn a lot from each other. Except that we don't want the same things and aren't even on the same path. Neither was any other guy around me last night.

Even Ken. The guy that I'm connected to the most and closest to in age. He doesn't understand. This is me. I'm "indescreta" because I want to share and connect. I feel very trusting and comfortable around people, which is a bit naive of me, but I'm built that way. I am an open book and I am the way I am whether we be in person or not. He doesn't get that. He doesn't get me. He's trying to change me. His words were "I'm trying to help you, so that you improve and become better". But what's wrong with me now? Why can't I be accepted for who I am? All my life I've had trouble with not being accepted for myself, so why am I still being attacked when I'm finally reaching a point of acceptance? I know you love me, and I know they do, but you're not helping me, you're hurting me.

It takes someone special to understand the way you're built and to know you. To see you. Diana sees me. We can have such a great time and still go back and forth on meaningful topics. Just being ourselves. So does Ana. Always on the same road of doubts and uncertainties, but still bask in what is love and life. And Anabel. Always on the road to self-discovery, but still enjoy the little joys of life and what it means to be happy. And Alena. Taking each day with a step towards a brighter future, a brighter friendship.

I've found a group of people that I can connect with. That see ME. I don't do things to harm people. I don't do them to bring attention to myself. I'm not going to tippy-toe around anyone. Love me. Accept me. ME.

But first, I need to love myself. Accept myself. Accept that I'm never going to be out drunk partying. Accept that I have flaws, but that they can be used for good. Accept that I'm not perfect, that I shouldn't have to be. Accept that I just want to love. Accept that I just want to be loved. Accept that unfortunately I am not going to connect with everyone that comes my way. Accept that I am not normal. Accept that I'm different. Accept that I have a God that loves me more than anything in this world and universe. Accept that He sent His only Son for me. Accept Jesus into my heart. Accept Him into my heart.

Thank you, Father. You built me this way and shaped me into this weird, oddly loving girl. The only thing I should be sorry for is not loving you enough.

Mending broken hearts

I need to mend the broken heart of my 14-year old self. Those years were of a lot of confusion and unanswered questions. Why did my mom continue to live with a man that she didn't love and didn't love her back? Why was I so empty? Why did it feel like I was worthless and useless?

There was no growth. I was aimlessly wandering. I hated the idea of falling in love and opening myself up to the world. Friendships were a challenge for me, I didn't know how to make or have or keep friends. That's all clashing up to me now. Those feelings of wanting to have a life and friends and go to parties and do what "everyone else was doing" subconsciously stayed in my mind, repressed. Did I really want that?

More than anything I just wanted someone to look my way and show an interest in me. I wanted attention and I wanted to be understood and I wanted to share my feelings and I wanted to loved and be loved. I wasn't a happy child, I was sad by the things I thought I was supposed to have and didn't have. I grew up but the feelings were always there, my 14-year old broken heart distant but always nearby.

Dear 14-year old self,
It's okay to be confused. It's okay to feel sad, it's okay to feel all these feelings inside me. Right now things seem crazy and like the world is against you and that you can't do anything right, but we are not of this world. Don't pay attention to those girls that always brag about their "awesome life" because they're probably just as sad as you are. Those girls with all the friends and good looks? They're just as sad, or even sadder than you are. We're all sad and we don't know why.

There's only one thing that I hope you never forget: love yourself. Love all your flaws, love all of you. Smile. Always choose to smile and to love life just as it is. Choose happiness over any sad moment. Don't think about how things should be, because if they should have been that way then they would have been, but they aren't. Enjoy every little moment and always make time for yourself. Do the things you love. If you open yourself to people and let them inside you, you never know who might let you in as well.

Love and hope are crazy and beautiful things. To love someone else is risky, but it's always worth it. It might not make sense right now but it's okay. Ignore what everyone says. You don't need to have 50 friends and you don't need to be the prettiest. You don't need to go to all the parties and you don't need to have a boyfriend. Grow something beautiful with one friend, explore all the things within you and enjoy each others company. Be yourself, don't be so afraid. God will never leave you, even when it seems dark and cold. He'll always protect you.

I love you. I hope you always choose to love. Especially yourself. You're worth every penny and you mean something to a lot of people. You're strong and I admire you so much. Never give up. You can do anything.

Love,
Your 20-year self

Do I still carry the memories and dreams of my 14-year old self? Yes...I do. I don't want those things. I don't need those things. Those parties, those memories, they aren't my life. They never will be. I have something more beautiful waiting for me, I just have to be open minded and choose to allow God's will to break through.

Come home

I want to go on a picnic. I want to lay on a blanket and watch the clouds drift by me. I want to feel the sun kiss my face. I want to feel the grass tickle my toes...

Then I'll go on a hike. I'll explore through the trees. I'll listen carefully to the songs of the birds. I'll look up and wonder how the trees got so tall. I'll stop and hear my heartbeat and feel in sync with everything around me.

I'll be hungry after all of that, so I'll go to the nearest pancake or waffle house and drown in pancakes and maple syrup. Or a bacon burger.

I'll watch the stars after that and pretend I know where the big dipper is. I'll stare at the moon and it's beautiful face. I'll wonder how lucky the stars might feel to be around such a lovely sight.

In all those moments, I hope I get to share them with you.

Wherever you are right now, I hope you're more than okay. I hope you're full of joy and full of wonder, just as I am.

I lose patience sometimes, and sometimes I'm okay. But right now...I wish you were here. I wish we could share a cup of coffee and watch some House. I wish we could talk about vacuum cleaners, vegetable steamers and how Asian curry is just never going to cut it.

I miss you. Come home.  

Soon

There's a lot of things I never thought I was capable of having or doing but I did and I do.

I didn't think I could ride my bike when I was younger, and I did.
I didn't ever think I'd find awesome best friends, and I found the most imperfectly perfect group of friends.
I didn't ever think I could not eat meat, and I was a pescatarian for 8 months.
I didn't think I was going to college, and I'm almost in my third year.
I didn't think I would ever be a part of so many beautiful communities, but I'm incredibly blessed and I am.
I didn't think I would ever have such an incredible relationship with my family, but I do.
I didn't think I would ever hang out with my mom or just chill, but we are.
I didn't think I could handle not being around Maria Teresa for so long, but I made it.
I didn't think I could go without having you near me, but I'm still here.

THAT'S RIGHT, I'M STILL HERE.

I'm going to get through this, just like I have with everything around me and I am going to succeed.

I am more than okay, I am GREAT.

I'm going to Tennessee in less than a month on the vision fast and then Brazil in the middle of July.
AND I have an awesome family that's there for me no matter what. A beautiful mom. An amazing God.

So guess what? I'll be fine. I'll have my moments and I'll wonder what could have been, but I'll be fine. I AM fine. I'm going to meet the love of my life soon and I'll understand why it couldn't have worked out between us. It'll be a love that will last and a love that I could have never imagined.

Actually, God is so great to me I already know what that feels like. A love that will take any pain away just to see you smile, that's God and He's perfect.

I will meet you one day. I hope soon.

Ay que pelear

Also, I'm on week two of the fresh start cleanse and although yesterday I went crazy, my mom and I are doing awesome.

I'm ready for change, I'm ready for a healthier lifestyle, I'm ready for growth and love and all things new.

"Ay que pelear!! Pelearla!!!"

Rachell Portell, sweetest lady that gave me such great advice. We're all on different paths, I have to stop comparing myself to others. I don't need to follow the set path that everyone is supposed to follow. I'm making my own way, and with God's guidance how can I make a wrong turn?

So many blessings, so many things to be grateful for...and most of all, so happy to be alive and around such beautiful people that always pick me up when I'm down.

Fresh Start

I know this is going to sound crazy, but I really hope I get to see you again.

There's something about you...I feel like a little girl, lol.
I haven't felt this way in a while. I want to sing, dance and...get to know you more.

I want to know what makes you smile, what makes you cry, what makes you laugh...

I met this guy at Trader Joe's tonight and I didn't think he'd be interested in me, I thought he was interested in Diana.

Why did I cut our conversation short?

Thank you, God. Wherever you're taking me I have no doubt it's leading to something beyond what I had imagined.

It's been a hell of a couple of weeks, but today was great night.

Tonight was great. Can't wait to see you again. :)

20

I'm 20, wow....it's been 20 years.

Dear older self,

You are so beautiful, you are so strong, you are a fighter, and you will not quit.
You deserve more than you give yourself credit for. You deserve the best of the freaking best.

You need to push your limits and go all the way and give it all you've got. Don't hold anything back and don't regret any decision, because at the end of the day if it's meant to be it will find a way back to you.

Live, learn, and love, but most importantly: love. Through love you learn and you'll know how to live.
Don't give up, it's too soon, too too soon. You've got such great plans and dreams ahead of you, you can't give up now. Not ever.

Come on, I'm rootin' for ya. You can DO this!

Love,
Me :*

L-o-v-e

I have the opportunity to do study abroad in Nicaragua for Summer A and I've been told it's a life-changing experience and I'm also doing the Vision Fast shortly after so I'm extremely excited. I recently found out about an opportunity to visit Brazil for two weeks in July and it looks like so much fun, but I feel like I might be overwhelming myself. Money set to the side, will I be emotionally capable of handling all of these different experiences in one summer? That's my biggest concern right now...
 
I started my job today at Gulfstream Elementary as a tutor through the America Reads program and I feel on top of the world. I see the struggles and challenges these children face just getting to school and I cannot wait to meet them and be a part of their life. 

Ahhhhh so many things. Also, feeling such good vibes in my life lately, moreso the past week. Love my church community, love my family, love my friends, love life....love God...love love love. 

Everyday's a struggle, but don't let that struggle determine your day. Keep going. There's something at the end of the road, and it will be HUGE and GREAT and OUT OF THIS WORLD. 

We're all in this together, struggling and facing challenges...we need each other. 

 

The Purpose Driven Life

1. "Love God with all your heart": worship
2. "Love your neighbor as yourself"": ministry
3. "Go and make disciples": evangelism
4. "baptize them into...": fellowship
5. "teach them to do all things...": discipleship

•  Talk it through with a spiritual partner or small group
• Give yourself a regular spiritual check-up
• Write down your progress in a journal 
• Pass on what you know to others 

1.  What will be the center of my life?

Who am I going to live for? 

1. What will be the character of my life? 

What kind of person will you be? God is far more interested in what you are than what you do. 

1. What will be the contribution of my life?

Is there a specific group in the Body that I am shaped to serve? SHAPE: Spiritual gifts, Heart, Abilities, Personality, Experiences. 

1. What will be the communication of my life?

Your mission to unbelievers; commitment to share your testimony and the Good News with others. 

1. What will be the community of my life? 

How will you demonstrate your commitment to other believers and connection to the family of God?

2013

With 2013 coming to an end, I've been trying to decide whether this was a good or bad year.
But..

Good or bad aren't the right words in trying to describe this year. This year was...wow...a roller coaster of emotions, a lot of spiritual growing (more like spiritual STUNT growth), growing up and maturing as a person...it was a year of complete change. The year started out by moving out from my first stable home of 8 years to an apartment with just my mom and I. I thought it would be much simpler and easier than it sounded, but eventually it took a toll on my emotionally and I was not expecting that.

Moving away from my psychotic stepdad who verbally abused my mother and I was definitely the right thing to do, but I left behind memories and my comfort. Moving into the unknown has always been (and still is) something I don't like and always fear. Not knowing where I'm stepping on or what's happening terrifies me the most. I don't like surprises, I like knowing what's going to happen. I like being in control.

Control is also one of the biggest challenges that I've dealt with this year. Trying to let go and let God is still my biggest struggle.Giving myself wholeheartedly to him is a struggle and I still don't know how to fully let go of all the things I'm holding on to. I realized this week that the reason why I still haven't fully matured and grown up to who I'm supposed to be is because I'm still living in the past. I'm still holding on to all those things I wanted to do but never did, to that one regret I haven't forgiven myself for, to the love I never got as a child... I don't want to hold on to that anymore. I want to be free and full of God's love, that's it. But it's easier said than done.

More than anything, this year was a lot about discovering who I am and accepting myself. Acccepting my curves, my flaws, my skills and the fact that yes I am overweight, but I'm no longer going to wait til I'm at my desired goal weight to be happy and love myself. NO. I am going to be happy with my body NOW. I won't fight against it anymore, I want to work with it and love every inch of skin and bump. But of course, I want to be healthier and more in shape, just not the way that I've been doing it for so long. 

Throughout the year I was still working at Panera Bread and I had a lot of crushes and likes at my job and at school and wherever I went. Wherever I went, whichever boy/guy/man looked in my direction I would always wonder "is it you? is that him? could this be the one?". But now...I don't even notice them. I've grown old of the game. No one really stands out to me, and when I think they do they aren't what I imagined. I wonder where you are, when I'll meet you, or if I've already met you, what you look like, all the adventures and trouble we'll get into...and as much as I really want all of that to happen right now, to meet you in the most unexpecting of ways, I also know that I'm not ready for you, or us, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm taking so long in getting myself together. There are still parts of me that I'm still exploring, parts of this world that are still unknown to me, and I want to explore these foreign parts with you, but I'm afraid I'm still weak in every way possible. I just want you to know that I love you with all my heart and that I want to go home already, that I'm homesick and that I miss you in more ways that I can ever describe...I'll be with you soon. While you wait for me, think of how beautiful the trees and birds and sky are...how their love is so infinite and so grand...neverending and selfish...think of how much God loves us and that he knows whats best for us. Think of His never-ending love.

I'm trying really hard to get it together, but I'm not. I'm not reaching my full potential in anything that I do: in school, church, extracurricular activities, family, my mom or even myself.

I faught with Diana, reunited with her once more, gained 20 pounds, went to Tennessee and met AMAZING people, quit CCD, started walking in the Neocatecumenado Way, met tia Maria Teresa aka one of the new loves of my life, went to Ocala with Amy and Armando, met TONS of new people at school and through YES club events, went Vegetarian from May to November (but no more labels), went to Gainsville and visited UF, decided on sticking with UNF, reunited with my Dad,...and now here I am, pet-sitting a dog named Lucy and still feeling antsy. I could have done so much more and put so much more effort in everything I did.

I don't want to continue saying I want to do something and not do them. I don't want to make anymore promises and then disappointing others. I don't want to keep disappointing myself. I can do so much more.

This year...
2014 be good to me. This year was so overwhelming and incredible and terrifying and one of the biggest years of self-awakening...but 2014, let's put all these plans to action, let's really put my heart and mind to everything that I do and to everyone that's around me. Let's not waste a second on being prideful and full of immaturity. Let's focus on living life, loving myself and serving others. Most of all: let's focus on living life for God, loving myself for God and serving others for God. Let all the praise and riches go to our Holy Father.

2013 you freaking tore me up, so 2014 do me a favor and help me get all the pieces right this time.

God, I know you're out there, please help me. I can't do this without you.

I love you, Dad.

Wake-up call

I had a car crash today. Nothing serious, I'm alright and so is Lucy. However, the other car not so much. Her whole left bumper is gone ._.

It's ironic because I had said that today was gonna be the start of soul-searching within myself and this happens. I'm not upset or angry, but it will take a toll on me later on when my bank account starts getting a little weak.

I'm a strong believer that everything happens for a reason; always have been always will be. Lately I've been feeling so out of it. I keep thinking on the past and the future but never the present. I've never really been myself and I guess that's the problem, when you don't really know who you are then where do you stand?

What makes me cry? The thought of ending up alone, knowing my mom won't be with me all my life, hopeful romantic movies, knowing I've disappointed somebody.

What makes me laugh? Childish humor, my everyday happenings, my family's crazy shit, my mom's weird jokes, my dad's fake stories, when people are themselves.

What makes me angry? When i see injustices, when i'm misunderstood, when things don't go my way, not knowing what's gonna happen.

What makes me smile? My mom's smile and laugh, my grandma's exaggerating voice, my best friends, knowing my sisters are happy, knowing God loves me.

Today didn't have to happen, but it did. Why? Because I was driving carelessly. More specifically: I'm living carelessly. I'm not enjoying life and I'm growing old by the second. I feel old, I can't remember the last time I sat down and just enjoyed my own company without worrying about my surroundings. I can't remember the last time, well besides Narrow Ridge, and had a face to face, heart to heart with someone. I can't remember...the last time I was myself. Who is Maria? It's not this girl typing or the girl breathing.


I'm not sure yet who "Maria" is, but I want to get to know her, all of her. Her strengths, her weaknesses, her curves, her motives, her passion....I want to fall in love with myself. Most importantly, through my imperfections I'll be able to grow closer to my faith and fall deeply in love with God, more than any illogical love I've ever felt: it'll be completely head over heels and irrevocably in love with Him.

Whoever I am right now is being left behind tonight. Each second I am closer to finding more about myself and being in touch with me. I don't want to be disconnected anymore. I want to feel everything that touches my skin and that lives around me.

Here's to a new me living.

One of those nights...

Why am I sad?

I lack energy. What's going on?

Literally a "restless day and sleepless night".

I'm drinking some Raspberry tea to try to make me feel better but I feel this terrible cloud of sadness over me.

And then suddenly...I'm back. Will it be temporary?

Self-discipine

I always have something to say or want to post something extremely important and relevant and by the time I actually get to sit down and do it I can't think of what to right or it didn't seem important anymore..

I need to walk around with a notebook because if not I'll keep forgetting..sigh.

Namaste

It's been a month and half since I last posted and I can't go on another day without posting and updating on my life.

Many, many things have changed and many things haven't.

Narrow Ridge, Washburn, Tennessee. Such a life-changing and eye-opening experience. I met so many incredible people, including Bill+Mitzi, my earth siblings and also got close and personal with Mother Nature. I've never felt so at peace and so at home. I learned so much about myself and about others. I'm not alone, I never was. There is a community of people out there that are fighting everyday in honor of our beautiful and sick Earth. We need to act now.

My lifestyle and major changed during and after the trip. I am now vegetarian, well pescatarian for the most part (still trying to figure out how to let go of fish...). I am not against the killing of animals; I am against how animals are injected with hormones and mass produced to feed an egotistic society. I refuse to be a part of that. Of course I'm still learning a long the way, so my thoughts on that might change, but for now that's how I feel. I switched my major to Environmental Management in Agriculture and Natural Resources, I want to focus on sustainability and food so I'm still working on how I'm going to tie everything together. Everything will fall into place though so I'm not too worried about it! :) I just want to do so much and I need to learn how to manage my time better so that I can be as productive as possible, and get enough sleep at the same time!

Boys...they never seem to leave my life. There's two I have my eye on right now but...I don't really know where it's going. I wish I did know, but right now God is giving me the chance to focus on myself and my family so I don't want to lose sight of that right now. I need that time to grow and if there isn't anyone, at the time, to grow with then I don't need someone to drag me down. I ain't time for that.

Mmm....Oh! I'm Environmental Captain of Panera now. I wanted to quit, but I have a mission to do and I can't just quit now. Chris told me yesterday that he submitted my name to become in charge of all 12 Panera cafe's. I'M SUPER EXCITED. I CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE!!!!!!

Tonight I'm going on an all weekend retreat to learn more about myself, the Bible and God. I'm scared and I'm excited. I don't know what to expect but I'm ready.


I'm going to make a list (mostly to help sort out myself because I can do that better in writting) of what I want.

I want to make a difference; not just in someone's life but on the world. God created Earth and we're just going to let it die and not do anything about it? At some point, I want to have a family and a few children. I want to get married to my partner, my lover and man that God has chosen for me. What scares me the most is divorce: I want something that will last forever, a never-ending love where everyday I will be happy and faithful, as well as he will be to me. I want to grow with somebody, where they will accept me for who I am and see me for me. Love is patient, I want the whole package. I want to travel one day, to help third-world countries, to spread the word and love of God, to grow in God's love and faith, to love my family and spend as much time with all those around me. 

Namaste.

Hello, May...

The sad part is: I don't care anymore. I love you, but it's not worth it anymore. I tried, I really did with all my heart and God knows it. At the end, it was all about you as always.

Some of us have some growing up to do: growing apart, growing together, growing in faith, growing in love, but mostly growing as a person. I'm definitely one of them. My priorities are not in shape and they need to be, for the sake of my sanity and well-being.

I have so many plans, so many ideas, so many thoughts in my head, but before I go out there and demand change, I must first change my ways and myself. As I said before, I refuse to change myself for anyone's benefit or happiness.

I've been talking to Daniela and Alejandra a lot about California and Arizona. They've been telling me not to force anything, that everything should come easily, naturally. Maybe they've been referring to other things too, maybe, even though they didn't know, it was about Diana all this time. Keeping our friendship took so much work and patience, and as much as I had fun and felt happy, it took a lot of work to keep her by. Nothing worth it ever comes easy, but nothing should be on such extremes all the time to the point of frustration and desperation. I miss you, I do, but I need to love me more. I'm not tired of giving so much, but I am tired of not being appreciated. Actions will always speak louder than words.

God, I still don't know what you're up to, but I'm still a fighter and I haven't given up yet. Guide me in the best way possible and always fill my heart with Your love and unconditional support. When in doubt, please remember that I am human and a sinner, but your daughter nonetheless.

When it's cold outside, I got the month of May.

You are you...are you sure?

"You will always be too much of something for someone: too big, too loud, too soft, too edgy. If you round out your edges, you lose your edge." -Danielle LaPorte, The Positivity of Pride

I'm not changing for anyone's benefit or happiness. I am me and that is the greatest thing I should be proud of. 

So far, so far

So many thoughts going through my head. Im not doing well anywhere and wherever I turn sometjing new always seems to pop up. I stayed up all night studying and I kept getting distracted and woild fall asleep on and off. I took my chem test buy I'm sure I didn't do too well. Now I'm tired, hungry and I left my wallet at home. I have math in less than an hour and then I have to wait for Stephen because we carpooled in his car today and he decided to do this project with some girl. I have no energy but I want to study :/

Then during my test my dad texted me asking me if I could do him a favor. He needed to borrow $500. I was actually gonna do it but my mom suggested I didn't.  He's always bsck to his old ways, she said. But I wanted to give him a chance. I didnt do it though.

Things will work out though. I have to believe, I can't do anything more.

B.C./A.C.

I can separate my life in two diffferent phases: Before Casey, After Casey.

I've been wondering lately why I settle so much for things, and it's because after him I have no choice but to settle.

It's 11:46PM and I have to study for chemistry. Here I go.

Waiting, Wishing, Thinking

Drained.

P.S. I Love You is on TV and I started crying within five minutes. I want to keep crying.

I keep thinking I'm closer and finally reaching an understanding of many things in my life, but instead situations continue to be added to the pile and more unanswered questions continue to be left behind.

God, You know I hate surprises, what are You doing up there?

Delightful

I always wondered why I had random pageviews. Why are people reading a blog full of rants and teenage thoughts?

It's a vampire website. Sounds ridiculous, I know, but some vampire website is looking at my site. Thanks! Not sure what it helps with but if it makes a difference then why not, right?

ugh

I have so much fucking studying to do for my two exams tomorrow, it's late, I just had my first energy drink and all I can do is sit here and think...do you like me? do I like you? Like..like LIKE you?

Ugh. I'm almost 19 and I still act like a friggin' twelve year old.

Your nickname of "california" is perfect because I don't really know how I feel about California. It's got some great sights, like San Francisco, Yosemite, and Disneyland but I don't like LA, it makes me feel uncomfortable. Am I willing to fly long distance to California and accept that I may be around LA, but tolerate it because I have San Francisco on the other end?

seriously, I need to study.

Take it sloooooow

Finally, after days and weeks of wanting to post something new on my blog I've finally gotten around to doing it.

I don't even know where to start. So many things have changed, so many things are going on that I don't even know how I can just sit here and sip my delicious cup of vanilla spice tea while listening to John Legend.

Three things I know right now:

1. My mother is my superwoman
2. God is taking my wheel 
3. I miss my family

 I haven't had time for any of my family members or sisters and I hate it. I don't wanna just text and catch up with them, I want to see them and make memories. Sooner or later I'll get to hang out with them, maybe Good Friday? For now, school and work. And YES club! I'm a part of the YES club, can you believe it?

Hmm...my love life? We'll see how it goes ;) possible love interest in the air? I don't know, we'll see what God has in store for me.

I'm doing very well at Panera, I got promoted to Associate Trainer and perhaps an Environmental Captain soon, crazy lol.

I'm not doing so well in school, but I'm going back to studying to keep my grades. I'll keep this updated soon, I hope.

Three things I'm absolutely sure about:

I'm going to be tired tomorrow morning.
My family loves me.
God will never leave me alone.

"80% of the things we worry about never happen"

What am I worried about right now?

That you've changed too much.
That you're not who you were anymore.
That you don't love me anymore. 

What should I do? Should I go for it? Ask for closure once more and then move on? But for real this time...

I'm scared. Shitting my pants, actually. My head hurts, I feel like crying.

Why aren't you here? Why did I let you go...

It's been almost a year, why are you still on my mind? Why can't I forget you?

What are you doing right now? Are you still telling jokes? Has that smile left your face?

Back to homework.

P.S.

OH, and I'm having this delicious Pumpkin Spice Bagel for Breakfast and HOLY SHIT IT'S SO GOOD.

Alright.

Sitting, thinking, wishing

SO, um,.....I have a job. A real paying working job, and it's at one of the coolest places EVER. No, not the Starbucks one (they obviously realized I was too good for them), but at the new Panera Bread opening in Homestead!!!!! *insert jumping, screaming, clapping here*

I got so blessed to get this job. Why? My mom and I were on our way to go apartment hunting (yes, we're thinking about moving, again) and we passed by Panera. I was surprised to see people inside so I made a note of going to ask later about a job since I had applied last week. As soon as I got there, I was freaking out. My throat was killing me and my body was sore. I had to give it a try, though. As I was reaching the door this guy came out and turns out he was the manager! I told him I had applied online and he said to follow him. I got a job interview right on the spot and he said he definitely felt the energy that Panera needed :-) and that he would call me if they were interested. (Later, I found out that there was a big red stain on my ass from my period and I got so worried) BUT, GUESS WHO GOT CALLED AT 9:30PM? He told me to go in at noon the next day and I was like HELL YEAH (not really, but I was really excited)!!!! I went in at noon and he basically told me I got the job but that I had to get the uniform before the training at 4 (mind you, training had started the day before so I was already a day behind, as usual). It was 12:30ish so I picked up Diana and off to shopping we went. We managed to get everything in time and then came home, fixed myself, ate and then off to my job I went.

I was freaking out but I promised myself I wouldn't try to befriend anyone regardless of my initial impression of them. Turns out, Annibelle works there!! It's so nice to know that I know someone there even if we weren't best friends at least it makes things a little more comfortable. Everyone was super nice nice and friendly and I got the hang of cashiering pretty quickly. I made sure I asked questions no matter how stupid they were. We had a meeting at 11pm and then we took home all the food that was made and leftoever (WHICH WAS A LOT). I found out, though, throughout the day that everyone was hired more than 3 weeks ago. That means they've had time to practice the menu and go through orientation and learn all the ingredients ahead of time. The opening of the store is on TUESDAY and today is SATURDAY. No biggie, though, right? ._____.

I still haven't signed a formal contract or have an official cool name tag or have any kind of information on how the Panera Bread corporation pays, so I'm going to go in at 3pm to find out all that mumbo jumbo. Maybe 2:30pm, I don't know. I'm just so happyyyyyyy I got a job and that God's taking the wheel from me :')

Now I have to go make my lesson plan for today and hope for the best :x

Times are a changin'

My uncle has this old-fashioned idea that guys are supposed to play they role just as much as girls play there role. For example, guys can be man whores and change a car's oil, while a girl has to be prim and proper and have dinner ready. Some of his thoughts have changed over time (I mean, the guy did teach me how to drive stick, sort of lol) but his roots are still there.

I'm bringing this up because he mentioned this when we were talking about Jose, my ex-boyfriend. Yes, I'm single now. Been single for over a week! I haven't cried much, not like with Casey anyway, but it has been...different. Not in a good or bad way, just different. I'm still trying to get used to the whole college lifestyle and it can get overwhelming sometimes, especially since I wanna do so much, but I know I'll get the hang of it soon. I just need to work on my time management and my priorities.

Why did I break up with Jose? Because everyone was right: you can't get to know someone for two weeks. My romance heated up in a matter of seconds, and just as it heat up, it heated away. I can't forget how perfect it felt and it seemed, but usually when something is too good to be true it usually is. I realized that he wasn't what I thought he was. Not just that, but that he was exactly what I was afraid of. I grew close to him so easily, but I guess I was just expecting too much from him. I will continue to say that the hardest thing I will ever do is give someone my all. It did feel right at one point, but I couldn't picture us doing anything but sitting on a couch watching tv. I want more than that, and there's nothing wrong with wanting more. Things will work for the best so I'm not worried about that. God has me covered :-)

God. Dad. I feel so far away from you lately. It's late and it's cold and I've stayed out for too long, I'm sorry I don't know why I'm so stubborn, but I'm coming back inside.

Christmas is coming!!!!! Fall is nearby! Times are a changin'.

Late night thoughts

I'm not happy. I have to finally admit that to myself. Am I ever gonna be happy?

Honestly, right now I should be alone. Think about myself and all of the changes I want to make in my life. Before things get too hectic and before one of us gets fed up with how the situation has been going, I think we need to put an end to it. I love you, I do. But maybe we fell in love too fast. Maybe we didn't. Whatever it is, I think we're at a time in our lives where we both need to grow, without anybody. Everything was perfect in the summer, and now I'm tired of fighting. We both have goals and they won't get accomplished if we keep arguing with each other. We're expecting too much and it's not healthy, for either of us. I wish we could stay friends because you're a great human being and I'd hate to lose you, but as a couple I don't think we should do this anymore and we should get out before it's too late.

I want to do so much. Read. Travel. Explore. Drink coffee. Meet new people. And I'm afraid I won't get that with you.

I keep looking at the flowers you gave me and it sucks. They're so beautiful, but I can't do this anymore.

Reasons why I wanna stay with you:

1. You're funny.
2. You're silly.
3. The way you never wanna let me go before we say goodbye.
4. The way you get jealous.
5. When we argue in a cute way
6. The way you love all my little flaws (i.e. my big cheeks)
7. You like the way my hair smells
8. You're cute.
9. You have so much potential
10. You always push me when I need to be pushed 
11. You go after what you want

Reasons why I have to let you go:

1. We keep arguing and it hasn't stopped.
2. I want to grow as a person
3. I want more
4. I'm not as happy as I used to be
5. The way you get jealous.
6.  You don't push me when I need to be pushed
7. I can't picture a future with you, and i've tried
8. You're lazy
9. Hardly have any innitiative
10. Not too ambitious or passionate
11. You don't wanna believe in God

I was told today, from someone that's always searching for something new, that it is possible to constantly want to search for something new with a significant other.

^^ I can't remember the last time I posted something, but here's a picture of moi.There's so much going on in my head and I've been meaning to post here but I just haven't found the time. What better, though, than on a Saturday morning while I have my cup of coffee.

Well, I started college. I know, CRAZY, but it's really not as stressful as I had imagined. With time management and my full attention I know I'll be fine :) I've met some pretty amazing people: Chantal, Alejandra, Javier, Ken. And of course, I've still kept in touch with my old friends: Anabel, Diana, Ana, Alyssa, Roxanne, Lindsay, Zae, among others. Oh, and I have a boyfriend now, Jose. We're going through a rough patch so I don't really know where it's going but everything will work out for the best. God has never been so present in my life as he is now. He's my center and he shall remain that way for a while.

It hit me right now, I want to learn so much. I want to be cultured. I want to explore. I can't wait til I see the Grand Canyon or Yosemite National Park. But since I'm living forr today, I guess I'll start by doing Trig HW lol and maybe catch up on some reading! I FEEL ALIVE.

I feel reawakened and I won't waste a minute of it.

Here's a better picture of me (haha):

Anyway, I went to LA with Ana banana. Have I mentioned that before? Went for a week, by ourselves, with no one to guide us. We got lost on buses, trains, walking and at one point almost getting attacked by homeless people. It was an eye-opening experience and I'm glad I got the opportuniity to go. I learned so much and I can't wait to start my own collection of places I want to travel to. EEEEEEP. For now, I'll just keep fantasizing and daydreaming o:)

That's it for now, I promise to keep myself updated.

Healthier Lifestyle, take 387

Ah, it's been awhile. The last time I posted was a little less than 2 months ago and much has happened and much has changed.

For starters, I am now a High School graduate! :) I graduated June 4th at the Bank Atlantic center and it feels weird. I no longer have to deal with high school stuff and I can now say stuff like "....well...back in high school" or I'll never have a high school crush anymore, lol. I'm a big girl now :P

Gradbash with Ana and Alena, Prom with Anabel, After-Prom with Hyacinth, Roxanne, Shameka, Ashlee, Aida, Amanda, and Maria, and then Graduation.

Everything happened so quickly and now here I am on a Tuesday afternoon writing about it.

And today is also the start to my healthier lifestyle. I know I've said it plenty of times before, but today is the day that my life will start doing it's 180.

Oh and my mom wants to go to Nicaragua at the end of July ^.^

One day

One day I'll wake up and I'll smile.
I'll smile at the goodness of the light and the shadows of the trees.
The trees and the grass and the hastiness of the birds nearby.
Nearby and far, but nonetheless existing.
Existing and more real than I could ever dream of.

One day, it will all be over.
Over and gone like the start of the weekend.
The weekend that didn't want to be forgotten.
Forgotten, though, it will be.

One day, all I'll know is that I made it.
I made it and all I'll ever know is that I never lost hope.

One day, my eyes and my heart will no longer be deaf.
And they will never, ever, know of the word "no".

Home, sweet home

MAYBE its time to update-

Um....Im kind of in Nicaragua right now. I KNOW. Crazy, right. My mom asked me what I wanted for my birthday and I didnt want a birthday party at all, birthday parties are overrated and everyones just there for the food, including myself but thats not the point. The point is I just didnt want a párty. What I really wanted was to go to Nicaragua. The homeland.

Everything happened so quickly! Bought my tickets Monday night and then all of a sudden it was Friday, my birthday: Ana gave me the cutest little french box and shot CUP, anabel made me the cutest card and dress and  french cookbook and her sister and mom gave me a birthday candle!!!!, yessenia bought me a pinata and filled it with spongebob memorabilia and all these amazing goodies, kulsoom bought me buttercream walnut brownies, francis bought me cupcakes, alyssa made me the cutest card and amazing chocolate chip cookies, judy made a heartfelt homemade card, cynthia got me YOOHOOS!!! and a beautiful homemade card, and then after that my momma picked me up, went to mi tia juanitas house and then ate taco bell, and then I was off.

It was weird being at the airport, going through airport security by myself, walking to the gate by myself and sitting down by myself. Observing, listening, and thinking about all of the things that had changed in my life. Im 18 now. Eighteen. 18. 18. 18. Im not a baby anymore. Everything I do now has to be measured carefully and thought out to the t. But it doesnt feel like it, reaching this big independent age. I havent done much thats different, except I kind of had my whole first beer yesterday o.o I felt like a feather afterwards, definitely a light drinker. Jonathan, Paola and Marilu picked me up from the airport. I had a stomachache thanks to the turkey sandwich on the plane, no wonder there was a huge ass line to the airplanes bathroom. We stopped at a gas station and I gave everyone their taco from taco bell and I drank an ENZA which is basically alkaseltzer in a bottle. It was disgusting but it helped. Then I had my quesillo!!! Came home to find the cutest kitty cake and then my grandma wouldnt let me go, she was so surprised and she was twirling me around and I seriously debated if she was drunk lol. Then we cut my cake, took pictures and off to the bar we went! Marilu and I did karaoke and it was hilarious. We ate, cracked jokes, drank my first beer and it was a great night. We even bumped into Gisella! Now Im not saying im gonna start bragging about drinking and all this jazz, I was the only one to drink that night and it was healthy first drink because I didnt get drunk and I dont plan on doing this often, not that I even can in the US. It felt kind of cool, not the drinking the actual beer part, but being out with friends and having a good ol time.

Yep. Its been really hot though. Like, Miami times three hot. Im continiously sweating and Ive had to change clothes two times already. Ah, but its been a good time though.

*Side note, the keyboards are really weird though and I dont know where all the commas and junk is at so i have so many typos....insert sad face.

Sigh

Its sad to know that theres literally a wall between us right now.

Tomorrow, perhaps?

Maybe someday we'll meet. We'll see each other and we'll know.
We'll learn how to play the banjo and harmonica together and we'll start our own secret band.
We'll watch really aggravating, foreign films together and laugh about the absurdity.
We'll have a lazy day where we'll just drive around til we find a place we like.


Maybe someday.

AHHHH

I'm so excited for the future!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hyacinth told me during lunch today that she wanted to go on this volunteering trip with Medlife to Peru and asked me if I was interested. HECK YEAH i'm interested! I'd LOVE to go, especially since it's in the field I want to work in for the rest of my life. (oh and peruvian food is amazing :p) I'M SO FRIGGIN HAPPYYY!!!

And then the fact that I picked miami dade honors and how im getting extra cash on the side and how im staying nearby home and how God is helping me settle things into place...I LOVE YOU.

:)

Cheers! *clink*

I'm staying in Miami for two more years.

How? And more importantly, why?

I've decided to pick the Honors college at Miami Dade. Running away and being away so far from home isn't the answer. My family is here in Miami and the Honors college gives me so many opportunities and it doesn't tie me down like the South Carolina scholarship would. I have a bit more freedom as to what my next move should be and I'm in a smaller classroom environment and maybe someday I can go on an internship to Ireland >:p

The point is, Miami is a melting pot of culture and I want to meet different people, so why not start small?

I'm also excited knowing my family's gonna be nearby and that I won't be missing out on too much.

After the MDC honors interview, I swore I didn't get in. I stuttered too much and the lady brought up my failed math classes. There were sooooo many applicants that wanted to get into the campus that I wanted to get into, and somehow they picked me. Thank you, God. Thank you so much.

Cheers to the future, and cheers to one of the happiest months in the year!

What to do, what to do

I've come a long way. Looking back, I've accomplished so many things and I've never stopped to look around at all the things currently in my life.

If I stay in Miami and choose the Honors College, what will happen to me?
If I leave and choose a school out of state, as in Seton Hall, University of Arizona, or even South Carolina State, where will my life lead to?

I have to let Miami Dade know whether I picked them before April 4th, and that's right around the corner. Sigh.

fUN fRIdAyS.....lol jk

I'm lost. I don't know what step I should take, I don't know if that step is even what I want. I don't even know what I want. I just want to be happy. Eat and be happy. Wake up in the morning, make myself some coffee and breathe in happiness and peace.

I need you, Dad. I'm...eternally undecisive and worrysome.

It's all one big fuck

Fuck fuck fuck fuck.

I'm really tired and whenever it comes to helping people I can't help but saying yes and then thoughts and memories of our past never cease to disappear lately and then you, who I hate, pop in my head like its all good and I don't have my prom dress yyet or a prom date and im really tired and all i want is this work done but its not and i want a big bear hug. sigh.

Fuck.

Maybe I want things my way too much where I start wanting people to act the way I want them to and get mad when they don't "live up to my standards".

Dad, you here?

It's over; I think.

I told Diana what I felt, and I sent the message. She blocked me on facebook and basically told me off that she couldn't believe what I was saying especially after everything we've been through. I called her last night to try to work things out because I did feel like I attacked her and I shouldn't have said things the way I did, but that was no use. I called her again twice today and nothing, but then she called me back. I tried apologizing for what I said, but useless again. She was mad and hurt. I hurt her badly and she didn't want anything to do with me, she didn't even want to say my face. But at one point I felt what I wrote so I had to send it, but now I'm just a jerk. I am a jerk. I hurt people. That's what I do. She even threw the Casey thing in my face, and it hurts because I've been thinking about that a lot lately and it has nothing to do with our friendship. According to her, "I think everyones out to get me, and I'm so hurt that I think everyones gonna hurt me, and I'm to judgemental and too critical and I don't fight for anyone thats worth". She thinks I think she's a piece of shit.

And you know what, I don't think that. But maybe I am everything that she said.
Maybe I am too judgemental of everyone and I want everything to go my way and for everyone to be how I picture them. But it's not like that and things don't go my way. I should appreciate what I have and realize that everyone around me is human and that they make mistakes. I should let go of all this hate I have inside me and I should take things easy and not so seriously. I won't get anywhere if I continue to keep my act up. I need to start appreciating what I have and thank God for every breath I take and for everyone that's in my life.

I'm sorry to everyone that I've hurt, including you God and my mother, and everyone else that I've tried to control and wanted them to do things my way. But it's not like that.

I need help. And I know the one guy that will lead me to the way.

I need sleep and it's 2am

I dunno why I just thought of this, but at school in the senior section wall someone wrote "free mah dawg priscilla"

Lolololol, whose priscilla???

Yesterday

I was skyping with Sophia and then my mom walks in to my room and asks me if I want to go to her friends house, which just happens to be Josue's mom. I said no, why should I go, right?

5 minutes later she calls me and tells me that she just got hit by a car and that the car was totaled or something. I was freaking out; earlier that day, after menchies, I kept thinking about my mom and I being in a car accident. I don't know what's wrong with me.

I called my aunt and she came and picked me up and took me to where she was. She was nervous, but other than that she seemed fine. The other car was a huge truck and it jammed into her left side. There wasn't a four way stop sign so my mom had the right to keep driving. The truck didn't stop and it jammed into her and the car swerved, mind you it was raining. When my mom realized the car wasn't stopping she accelerated, and if she hadn't, it probably would have hit her.

I'm just glad she's okay. This morning she woke up with a bit of pain on her neck and shoulder and arm, so hopefully she feels better soon.

God still has a purpose for her, she still needs to be here on Earth. Please, God, don't take her away from me just yet.

First day of spring break

Finished watching Breakfast at Tiffany's.
Too adorable.

I guess I should do something productive now, since it's 12:28pm.

Ah, screw you daylight savings.

Everyone lately is in love.

I want to be in love: with life, with God, with myself. I want to stop being so careless about my personal issues, as in my body, my health, my room, my life. I want to take care of myself and stop walking through life like it's a dark forest. Life has obstacles, but it also has it's rewards. I want to LIVE. I want to love God above all and I want to be happy with my surroundings.

Spring break, starts my month of inner change.

Fuck you, Ryan Gosling.

Why are you perfect? Why aren't you next to me instead of this $5 dollar big box from taco bell?

WHY AREN'T WE SOULMATES

Another saturday "well spent"

As I lie bed lazily, I hear the birds chirping outside and the sky and sun remind me of what a good saturday it is.

But I'm too lazy to get up. Or eat. Or do anything.

Sigh.

Surprise, surprise!

A while back, last year in April to be exact, Mrs. Mendez had a poster on her podium talking about national poetry month. I thought it looked really cool so I went online and sent in my information to get a free poster in the mail. Well...I never got a poster. Turns out they had ran out so I was out of luck.

I was in my room when my mom called me telling me I had gotten something in the mail: it was from the National Poetry Month people. They sent me a poster from this year's poem and I love it. It's called "Our Valley" by Philip Levine. He talks about reality, how we think that everything we see is ours, including the the ocean, the trees, the Earth. But it's not.

"...even if “the mountains […] dissolve in dust” and the “wind dies” those are only moments stitched into a blanket called “our life” (lines 23, 14, 24)."

"...wait for the wind, catch a scent of salt, call it our life."

That's what I really wanted to say. But I didn't say anything. Because then everyone was gonna say "maria, are you so hurt by men that you need to make such hateful comments?"

But no, it's just....odd.
Especially from him.

I'm sorry God and mom, but if there are no signs of me moving out anytime soon before college, I'm going out of state.
I don't care if I have to take out loans, I don't care if I have to find someway to pay for college, I am NOT going to live here. This isn't healthy for anyone and no one is happy in this damn hypocritical "family".

I refuse to be a part of this anymore and I will do whatever it takes to live a better life.

My mom and I have talked countless times about moving out and all this other stufff, and she keeps waiting for a sign from God but sometimes you can't wait for a sign. If she stays behind, that will be her choice. I feel bad about leaving her here, if she chooses to stay, but I can't do this.

Why am I so damn emotional? Chaisen. Maybe I just need to toughen up, or maybe going out of state will help my mom move out. She'll only need to worry about her and then it won't be such a problem anymore. Sigh. I don't want to move away but this might be my only choice to finally breathe and focus.

God, if you're reading or listening, please....please enlighten me.

And sometimes it's just coincidence.

IN YO FACE UF

GOT INTO THE UNIVERSITY OF ARIZONA AND GOT OFFERED A SCHOLARSHIP!!!!! IN YO FACE UF. IN YO FACE!!! :')

I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO FEEL, THIS IS SO SURREAL!!!!!! I CAN'T WAIT TO SHOW MRS. REMMEN ON MONDAY OR TUESDAY.....OMGGGGGGGG

THANK YOU, DAD. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR EVERYTHING YOU DO. THIS IS A SPECIAL SHOUT TO THE COOLEST GUY I KNOW, GOD.

:DDDD

Wait a minute, does this change anything....?
HMMM....

Yesterday, Mrs. Mendez said that one little thing changes everything, which I had already known, but the way she said it sounded....dark and magical? That one choice..that one simple mistake...that one simple thing makes the difference of two separate lives.

Coincidence vs Fate

That unexpected look, that unexpected meeting between two individuals, that moment where everything aligns and for one second you believe it was meant to be....or was it?

I went to the beach yesterday with Alyssa and Roxanne after school and it was super relaxing. I had so much fun and just having unforced conversation and laughter with two girls that don't ask much out of life. I got to thinking about this whole coincidence and fate thing and I asked them what they thought. There responses were: "Sometimes it's coincidence, sometimes it's fate".

But how do you know? When a moment comes and you think it was fate, what if it really was only coincidence and nothing more? A simple meeting between two strangers, and two strangers you'll stay?

Alyssa told me her uncle's story. He was born in Germany and then came to the U.S. and graduated

Happy leap day!

Life....life is good.
And God? God is too wonderful.

Le Weekend ~

Such a great weekend.

• Did awesome with the whole "teaching the teachers" lesson plan at the teacher meeting.
• Did some HW, not all, but more than I've ever done on a saturday night.
• Made an awesome love album for Mrs. Remmen
• JAMMED TO MY LOVE ALBUM IN THE CAR
• watched The King's Speech saturday night
• Cooked/baked today for lunch: mushroom baked chicken and cinnamon roll pie
• shared lunch with the napoles and mah momma/stepsiter/stepdad
• went to Bayside with the Napoles' and had a great time :D
• date with Sophie as we watched the Oscar's together over skype
• THE ARTIST WON :'''''')
• totally worth staying up late

And I ain't even read for AP english. Hmm....

I was thinking on the car ride back home from Bayside, and Miami-Dade honors seems like a really good option right now. I love my family toooo much to just miss out and I maybe I haven't given Miami too much of a chance? I dunno. Just a thought.

Not too much to ask for, right?

All I want right now is apple pie. Warm, gooey, rich, curl-your-ties, moanin-worthy applie pie. With, perhaps, a small scoop of vanilla bean ice cream. Or just vanilla would be nice.

Yeah....that's all I want.

Note to self:

It's okay to be sad, feel sad. But don't let it get to you, or in other words, don't let that ruin your day. Keep your goals in check and remember what it is that you want to do and what you have to do in order to get there.

THANK YOU, JESUS, for giving me the chance to breathe.

Just breathe.

Too much emotions

My arms are fat. I am sad. I have no energy. I want to go to bed. I want to scream. I want to cry.

But I have homework to do.

Senior breakfast today

And now that I'm home, why do I have this...sadness over me? This lethargic and emptyness that took over me when I got home, I don't know where it came from. It's my fault though, for ditching my friends. Maybe thats why I feel like this.

Senior breakfast tomorrow

Dress? Check.
Shoes? Uh...Check!
Hair in place? Check!
Avoiding ex? NO.

The one person I wanted to avoid this entire trip, to just enjoy without any awkward stares or awkwards greetings or anything awkward can't be avoided. Why? Because out of the four buses in this whole trip, we're going on the same bus. Riding for 40 minutes together. I won't feel comfortable knowing he's somewhere around me.

Why why why why why why why why

In case I die of happyness..

Before I do, I want the world to know that tonight I have made the greatest vegeterian chili. IT IS SO GOOD. (Even though I didn't come up with this recipe, I did improve and kind of made it my own since instead of adding another can of tomato sauce I added salsa :3)

Yep. And this Quinoa with Brown rice is scrumptiously delicious!!!!!!!!

WASSUP, FOOD NETWORK

Three things I know right now:

I can't wait to go grocery shopping tomorrow.
I want to start traveling already to be in company of out-of-this-world food and wine.
I'm pleasantly happy.

Always a post about the good ol' silly little boys

After the friday night incident on my socially awkwardness around guys, something stood out to me: if im not ugly, if i seem like a nice girl, then why would someone not approach me?

Saturday night, after Diana, her parents, and I got back from the Keys and our adventure, we were watching the Cheetah girls and singing to our old jams. We didn't finish watching it cause my mom wanted me home so I said goodnight to Diana's parents and she took me home. We stopped by at Menchie's and the guy that was working there was clearly making eye contact with Diana and they were flirting and all that junk. I was like "what, do I have something in my teeth that I can't be noticed?". We took our bowls and sat down. Through the eating and the car ride to my house, she said that I give off this "im not interested, fuck off" vibe. Whcih, surprised me at first, but then I was like...oh. That may be true. She said guys like to make a girl feel protected and that when someone looks at me you see this independent girl who doesn't need somebody to pull her together cause I have my thoughts elsewhere.

I need to start socializing a bit more. Not that I wanna be a whore, but dang...

GREAT GREAT GREAT WEEK. LET 2012 BRING ON THESE GOOD TIMES!!!!

When does a week start, on a Sunday or Monday? If it's Monday, then this has been an amazing week so far :>>>

I thought Valentine's day was going to be a drag this week, actually I felt like it was genuinely going to be a good day. AND IT WAS A GREAT DAY! Lindsay made me gnocchi with meat sauce for lunch, oreo truffles for dessert and a cute note saying she was funna bring me homemade key lime pie for wednesday :D Tammy gave me the cuuuuuutest note and then I watched the Time Traveler's Wife with Anabel <3

Wednesday was the much-required me day, I really needed to just slow down and my mom made me some chicken noodle soup :')

On Thursday, my mom and I went to an appointment about this whole child support junk and the lady said everything should be resolved in a matter of three months. My dad is not getting away with it this time. Even though I start feeling bad about enforcing this money situation on him, but then I remember all the hard times my moms had to go through and it's not fair to her, or me.
My mom and I bonded on the train ride back home, even if meant just holding me while I read. School was breeezy ~

Friday I went to the movies (on a date) with Tuty and Yoel and his friends. Yoel was going on a date with this new girl he likes, who apparently are now bf/gf, and his friends to watch the vow and since I know Tuty wasn't gonna like that we went and saw Ghost Rider, which was dumb but he and him had a nice date :3 After the movie Yoel snuck out to the Crepemaker without letting me know. Tuty and I were in the parking lot without knowing what to do so we eneded up going to the Crepe Maker. "Is this the crepemaker?" No, its subway" Lololol, we ordered a nutella crepe. After a while I noticed that one of the workers there was really cute and I tried to start talking to him but I wasn't in my comfort zone, which was why I wanted to go for it. But I'm nowhere near flirty and being myself would just show my even more naivveness and awkwardnesss that I am. I need to start socializing a bit more.

Saturday....Diana and I keep talking about doing things and they actually happen. WE WENT FRIGGIN' PARASAILING. AND IT WAS MAGICAL. TOOOO MAGICAL. Like riding on a Swingset in the sky :''''''') And then we finally went to the Wafflehouse!!!!!!! It was toooooo wonderful!! Surprisingly, Juan was there O.o As in, Juan from Middle School, Juan from yoel's baseball team....that Juan o.o How do you find someone all the way in the Keys after you don't see them in Homestead? After that, Diana's parents took us to where her dad works and it was so cayoooote and I asked Diana how much it costs to stay at the resort for a night and her dad said"300 dollars" HELL NOO. BUT DEN, her mom said that they offered him three free nights and that she would try to convince him to let us use one of those nights :DDDDDDDDD OMG DIS GON BE AWESOME. And now Diana wants to go to Calle Ocho, she want me to die or sumthing...

Sunday. My day just started and I'm wondering what the day will lead to...

Valentines day

I dreaded today. Actually, I always dread February's in general. I just don't like anything about valentines day, not because I'm alone, but because it's a commercialized holidays and people actually fall for it.
BUT today has been a great day :D Lindsay made me gnocci with meat sauce and oreo truffles :>, Tammy gave me the cutest valentines day card :3, Judy gave me a box of chocolates c:, i got to deliver goodies, Mrs. remmen told me i was a semi-finalist for the salute to education scholarship and its just been a good day :)

After I came home from the gym, my mom gave me some letters and one of them was to let me know that I'm not a soroptimist winner aka I didn't get the scholarship. I was sad, but then I was realized, its okay. I'm not the person they're looking for and it's not my fault. I'm just....not the one. I hope the people that do get it appreciate it :)

People should really listen to me more often...

I told Ana a long time ago that there were three places you shoud never meet guys. I don't remember the other two, but the flea market was definitely one of them.

AND WHAT DOES SHE DO? Get a crush on one of the guys there!

WUZ GOIN' ON.

The train has left the station, but I'm not in it.

The Train as in the small crush I had on that guy. Not that he doesn't seem like a sweet boy, I'm sure he is, just that it wouldn't work out. We're just on different....levels.

Airplane? Sigh. I'm still working on it, but I'm sure that I soon will move on.

(Anabel and I have different codenames for all of the guys we've liked. My codenames are associated with travel, and hers is with food. Casey was suitcase, and that is all I shall reveal for now)

On to brighter news:

This weekend was bittersweet. Friday, Diana texted me telling me she wanted to hang out with me instead of Andres. I was shocked since it didn't make sense on why she would pick me over sexy Andres. Later on she texts me to tell me that she really needs to see me and that it's bad. She said she was going to pick me up from my bus stop so we could talk. When I get in the car I find her crying and I knew it had to do with Andres. He chose living his single life in the fraternity over being settled down with her. FUCKING ASSHOLE. Why would he get her hopes up like that and then leave her? She was so happy the day before. Singing love songs, twirling around, smiling, laughing....and then crying the next day over this douchebag. And yet, you know what? She still puts herself out there, looking for love wherever it may be. No matter what she's been through, there she is ready to love again. We went to Wendys after that and then Menchie's to eat some froyo. Then we went to volunteer at the church festival, the dessert booth, and I got a call from tia Maritza. Tia Maritza NEVER calls me so I knew it had to be important. I answered and she was like "hey, I'm at dave n busters" and I was like "awesome...you guys having fun?" and then she proceeds to tell me "guess who I just saw?" and I couldn't think of anyone so i said idk and then BAM she says "Casey, your ex, with another girl, chinese looking". AWESOME. THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME KNOW. I wasn't mad, upset, or excited. I was sad, it was bittersweet. I didn't expect him to move on so soon and I was also happy that he seemed like he was doing better. I didn't believe my aunt at first, but then she sent me pictures. I think Shelby was in one of them? Meaning they were celebrating her birthday, meaning I was not invited, meaning we weren't as close as I thought we were. I know things would have been awkward, but a little "hey, im doing this thing at dave n busters, but i dont know how you feel about going cause casey's gonna be there." I probably wouldn't have gone, but its the thouhgt that counts. Ugh. I went home with Diana and we checked my UF admission status. They denied me. Didn't even get in for the summer. I wasn't upset because I didn't even feel like going there, but it was still bittersweet. I went to my aunts house 15 minutes later cause I had to babysat Yoel and chris since they were working late again and thats it for friday.

Saturday, went to church early and did mah thang. The kids weren't focused and I was still blank from last night. After church, I went home and cleaned my room. Jackie said that Daddy was gonna pick me up, and I was soo happy cause I wanted to see them! Daddy and I bonded on our way to Hialeah and then he took us to Taco bell :D MORE BONDING! I went to Jackies house after that and we were getting ready to go see the Vow. Daddy went to go pick up escarleth and then came and got us and we were on our way to Muvico. It wasn't AMAZING, but I liked it alot. I even cried a few times ._. Then we went to Kohls and tried on clothes and wheeled escarleth around in the wheelchair :p Daddy pickeed us up and took us to the fair. I had a nice time, AND I HAVE FRIED OREOS FOR DA FIRST TIME!!!!!!!!! I was having a mini heart-attack after eating just half.....but it was darn good :) After the fair we bought some movies and then went home to Escarleth's and watched Breaking Dawn.
Ivan didn't let me sleep.

Sunday, woke up and bonded for half and hour with Escarleth; we be gettin' deeeep. We got ready for church and tia Juanita and daddy were there! After church, we went back to tio Alcides' house and finished watching Breaking Dawn, it was okay to be honest. Afterwards we went to Ivan's little league game and ate some BK. We came home and then I knocked out on one of the bunk beds. My mom picked me up and then we went to Yessenia's aunts house. We had some fried pork and then played Dominos.

Now I'm home and I have to do so much stufffffffffffffffffffff...........including update other stuff on my blog. Hmm..

My faith and relationship with God needs to grow stronger

My mom's right, I don't even know where my life is headed to. Everything's a mess and I'm not helping myself out by helping everyone elses needs and not my own. I've been thinking about stupid bullshit and here I am, falling slowly. Point me home? We still have time...

I didn't get into UF. I didn't get accepted. I'm a little disappointed, but it was my fault. I should have tried harder. Besides, I didn't really wanna go there. It didn't feel like home. Everyone else wanted to go there, and I kind of decided to go since it was a nice school and my friends wanted to go there. Which then I guess isn't so bad that I didn't get accepted.

Then, while I was working at the church festival, tia Maritza and Luis call me to tell me that they're at Dave n Busters and that they saw Casey with another girl. How nice! After all the trouble we went through to just go out to ONE place, aka the movies at Dolphin, you're allowed to go everywhere else with people your family hasn't met. BULLSHIT. FUCKING BULLSHIT.
Not just that, but it's also bittersweet that he's moving on. I'm kind of happy he's moving on, but why so fast? Guys just don't give a fuck and there not as emotional as we are, even though I felt like i had the pants in the relationship...

I was reading the Bible, chapter 22, and he's right. If I think I'm all great and powerful, how's that gonna help me with God? If I don't do good deeds, etc, why should I expect him to forgive me?
I'm sorry, I'll be nicer to my stepsister. I'll focus on you more, I really want to. Please, please...don't leave me.

tbh

I'm really nervous. I'm scared. I feel...lost. Like something's missing?

I went to Chili's on Thursday afterschool with Alyssa, Roxanne, Stephanie, Monique, Monica, and their friend Chris with the mole. It was nice and relaxing. I saw Cindy and Rene from middle school, but yet I didn't approach them, and they didn't either. After that, Alyssa took me home and then I knocked out. But then my stepsister was being loud as usual and I couldn't go back to sleep. Awesome, right? Well, anyways, I went to the gym, did mah thang, and then I checked Alena's essay because she's applying to the Art Institute in Miami. I know she's getting in and I'm sooo proud of her :') My mom got mad at me because I'm irresponsible, and I know I am, I really do have to prioritize, but it's so hard D: I picked up yoel and christopher at the baseball park an hour late and then my mom took us to their house since I was supposed to sleepover and supervise them. I talked to Yoel about high school and how he needs to focus, (he's failing his core classes and he's on probation). I had a good night sleep that night, except that my body doesn't let me sleep for more than 8 hours grrr

Today was nice too. Watched the Adjustment Bureau with my cousins and I loved it! I went to olive garden for lunch with Anabel, Alexandria and her sister Francis, but had to leave asap cause I left yoel stranded at the barbershop. Then we went to their house, cleaned a bit and then I left at 5 cause my mom wanted to do some errands. After we cleaned and did all of this stuff, my mom took me to Menchie's to meet up with Diana. We had some ice cream and then we came to Yoel's to watch Meet the browns, still funny :p We didn't finish it with her because she had to get "closure" with Andres. I really don't get good vibes from him. I'm sure he's a good guy, but he's just not what Diana needs or deserves. I hope she makes up her mind soon because honestly right now I'm worried about Moises. He's been soooooo good to her and he doesn't deserve to be treated this way.

I know I'm in the mood for some lovin' right now, as in I miss the little perks that relationships bring, but more than anything I want to be single. It's uncomplicated and I don't need all of that drama in my life. I have to much to worry about and focus on and that is going to be the last thing I need right now.

What I need right now is Jesus. Please, never let me go.

Traveling

There's so much out there. When I see pictures of different cities and towns, to think that the backgroung and scenery actually exists....asdjsdghdklfgsd.

I have so much to learn. So little time.

three things i know right now

I'm in the mood for a good night kiss.
I have homework that needs to be done.
I want to go on an airplane, to at least Arizona.

Breathe. Hold your tongue.

I came home from the gym today and I was already mad. Before I left, my stepsiter was cleaning the bathroom when it was clearly my turn this week. Now, I know that sounds ridiculous, why should I be mad? But the thing is that if the situation were reversed and I would have been the one cleaning it then they would have thrown a hissy fit about how I'm careless and irresponsible.
Anyways, when I came home, my stepdad started talking about how they didn't like almond milk and that they only drink 1%. FUCK YOU. Why? Because before when I wanted to drink 1% or something else he would always says "drink what we have and stop complaining, we ain't rich" yada yada yada.

Something stopped me from saying anything, though. I remembered what someone told me, "Learn how to pick your battles. Sometimes the best thing is to keep your mouth shut. Don't fight for something useless, and when the time comes, fight for something that really matters", more or less something like that. Then, I remembered who it was that had told me that: Mr. Barnett, yesterday at the Fairchild challenge (which I have to update on). Well, he didn't directly say it to me, but subconsciously it stayed. He's right.

I'm just tired

that feeling when you make a milkshake to feel pumped up at the gym and nobody comes to the yard.

sigh.

Great chapters have to end in order for an awesome story that is twice as better to begin.

Good night

I finally know what I have to say. Marketa Irglova helped. She knows exactly how I feel.
I wrote to you in an email everything that's left to say. You're my first love and I can't just end it casually, not with someone as special as you are to me.

"But you never asked me to stay. And if you did, you didn't say."

I don't want to keep living in the past. I have to move on. My mind already has, but my heart is weak and fragile. It's silly and falls easily. But you're moving on and I must too. Every boy that comes along will always be compared to you. I'll never forget you.

It's time to pack my bags, though. The lights are out and I must set foot to my next destination before it gets too dark. But may I stay for the night? One last time? I promise to leave at sunrise, before you awake. No, someone ahead whispers. You must leave now. Any second longer and you'll lose it.

Good night.

Reasons why Canada is great?

They accept Dieticians to work with MSF aka Doctors without Borders!!!!!!!!!

GUESS WHO MOVIN' AND BECOMING A PERMANENT RESIDENT IN CANADA?

mmmmm

Valerie - Amy Winehouse <3

I keep thinking I'm doing better and then BAM something about you pops up and I go back to the same old feeling.

It's over. I know.

AW YEAUH

YOU KNOW SHIT GOING DOWN WHEN THE CHEETAH GIRLS ALBUM IS ON REPLAY

NIGGAH DON'T MESS WIT ME RITE NOW

I finished applying to North Carolina, Tennessee, and South Carolina. I called the USDA office today and they explained a few doubts I had and now all I have to do is wait for my transcripts to be perfect :x

I went to Hialeah with my mom yesterday and my daddy seems to be doing better. I told him to promise me that he would take care of himself; he did. I had a nice time with my sisters and uncle :) Before my mom and I got home, we went to Subway and ordered a wheat sandwich! But my stomach hurt after awhile :<

I hit the gym up this morning for about two hours and I feel GREAT. I'm just hungry now...

I have to do research for the debate competition this saturday, finish scholarship essays and all this other homework and junk D:

OH AND OMG GLEN HANSARD IS COMING IN CONCERT TO FLORIDA (with Eddie Vedder) AND I CAN'T MISS HIM THIS TIME. I CAN'T. I CAN'T. I CAN'T.

He's coming on Sunday, May 13th and I'm so so so so so so so so excited. Mah momma betta hook it up wit dem tickets ~

A nice lady once told me

When things start falling into place, and they feel right, you'll know that's where you're supposed to be.

I hope so, nice lady. I hope so.

Updating

I know it's really late, but I need to update because so much has been going on.

1. I applied to Seton Hall University in New Jersey ._.
2. I just finished applying to the University of Arizona o.o
   
3. I'm on the debate team for the Fairchild Challenge O.O
4. I planned my first field trip with French club and it actually might go through!
5. Escarleth is on crutches :(
   
6. My daddy's been super stressed, a nerve distorted and now his face moved sideways
   

I feel horrible about what happened to my dad. He called me when he was in the hospital and I didn't answer him. I texted him telling him I was at the gym but I never called him back. I really need to prioritize and organize my life, everything's getting out of control.

I need to do better in school, not that I'm doing bad, but I need to stay focused and not lose track of what I want. What is it that I want? To be successful and to love what I do. To be happy. To be surrounded by great company (i.e. family and friends). To love the college I choose. To be happy with myself.

I hope my dad gets better soon.

The outsider

There's always that one person who feels like the outcast, like they don't belong. Usually this is seen in the "popular" clique, where there's that one girl/guy whose trying to fit in but yet he knows he'll never be a part of them because he could never be on the level they are.

Well, I'm kind of in the same situation, except in this case there is no popular clique, but more like the "intellectuals". I'm this group of bright and talent young individuals and I'm sitting here like "uhhhhh e=mc^2 and uhhhhhhh 2+2=4". Especially now that I'm in this debate team and everyone's talking about all of these things and I don't want to let anyone down but yet again here I am "uhhhhhh i have to go see a man..about a dog".

I hate that I've procrastinated so much, that I've left everything right up until the last minute. Where's all the motivation? Where's all my goals? Where's all those things I'd planned for?

Fuck. I'm graduating in less 5 months and I have no money for college.

OH

AND I started my healthier lifestyle today!

wo0o0o0o0o0o0 ~

I'm contemplating starting insanity, and I think I am ._. Wish me luck!

A quick post

I have so much to do right now, and God is tooooooo good to me. This is insane O.O

My mom told me today that Deyanira's husband cheated on her and left with the other lady. WUT DA HELL. I never saw that coming :o Everytime I saw him, though, his eyes seem sad. But how could he do such a thing!
(I hope that my uncle finally opens his eyes and maybe, perhaps in the future, something might work out between the two.... ^.^)

Secondly, my mom also told me that she called Diana's mom and asked her for the real estate person that helped them buy her home. She's considering in moving to Malibu Bay...hmm....
She always does this: starts making plans to move, starts bringing home boxes, I get excited, then she changes her mind and decides she's not ready yet, I get really sad, and then that's it until the next time she decides she wants to start moving.
I'm going to wait until she actually has a place in mind and starts contacting a realtor.

But...it would be sad to move. Not because I'm going to miss my stepdad/stepsister, but because I've made my room my nest. I've fit it to my needs and I can't just leave it behind...

But, with happiness comes sacrifices.

May God shine the path we must take.

Off to do hw!

Go big or go home

I want to stop holding myself back. I want to either give it my all or give nothing. I want to not be scared anymore.

Another goal this year: face my fears.

John Donne and my broken heart

I hate knowing you're there and that I'm here. More than anything I wish to simply hold your hand. To feel your warm skin, to smell that distinct scent of yours.

I want to be in your arms right now. On quiet nights like these, I miss you even more than I can handle.

Casey Jones, after you, I will never, ever be the same. I may like, wish, adore, but love? I cannot.

Closure

My heart was racing and my armpits were sweating badly (I didn't know they could even sweat).
I was in the library, waiting for him to get there. I was freaking out and I was nervous and I didn't know what to think or expect.
A shadow came near me and asked, "Is this seat taken?". It was him.
I looked up, he looked better than ever. Or maybe it was that I missed him too much, but he looked extremely good. We hugged and maybe a little longer than we should have, but we did. His scent was still the same and I missed that smell so much. We sat down and I asked him how he was, something I'd rehearsed for hours the night before and all day today. He said he was fine and then I started sharing with him everything that had been on my mind. I told him that I did feel chemistry, just not an "emotional connection". We never got personal and he changes subjects whenever I say something that matters to me, and ultimately it's not his fault. I don't blame him. Unfortunately we'll just never have that kind of connection. Maybe I gave up on him too fast, because I recently found out (thanks to Diana) that I never fight for something if it seems like its broken. Nobody's perfect and we all have our flaws, so why did I give up? As the old quote goes, "If you let something go and it comes back to you somehow or someway, then it was meant to be."

Either way, religion played a major role in our relationship, and with all of the college issues present, things would have probably ended even worse. Hurt now, or hurt later?

After all our emotions have faded, I hope we manage to save our friendship. He really did brighten up my life. His optimism, his corny jokes, his laugh, his smile, his stare, I'll never forget. He loves me, I know he does. He loves me. He loves me. He loves me. He loves me. And the sad part is? I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him. More than I thought I ever could love a silly boy.

I LOVE YOU, DAMMIT.

Right now what worries me most is his sickness. He's really sick and I want to be there for him so badly even though I know I should probably keep my distance. Sigh. He said he would keep me updated, and I hope he does. I'm going to see him Monday though, I hope.

Talking to him today made me so haaaaaappyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. I can't even explain how happy I was. All the sadness went away. The pain? Gone. I felt....normal. That is until I realized I probably wouldn't get to talk to him anymore. You can't be friends with someone when you have feelings for them, it's not possible. Then came the sadness again.

But I have to move forward. There's so much to do and I can't stop and let the sadness take over. I won't let it. I should be happy I was blessed to meet him and spend almost 7 months of my life with him.

Please, God, let everything be okay. Let this disease cure itself. Please, please, please.

OH AND UH

My mom is meeting the man of her dreams this year, she has too.

God listens. And I know that this year my mom will meet a man that will not only be her best friend, but her companion. A man that deserves her and that loves her with every cell in his body. A man that shows her that the other side of the grass is greener. When my stepdad and my mom finally part both ways, my mom will find that stability and love.

God, please, please, please.

Cheers to a new year!

I have been blessed to reach another year, and not just any year, but a year where many obstacles and challenges are going to be thrown my way. Will I handle them? God only knows, but I hope to do the best that I can.

To be honest, I'm shitting my pants. I have no idea what to expect and the last thing I want to do is disappoint my mom. I don't want my mom to waste any money on my education and I want to be able to achieve everything that I set my mind to. Someday, not too far from now, I will be a Nutritionist and I will help kids establish a healthy relationship with their food. My goal is to help those less fortunate in underprivileged nations and hope that their hygiene and environment one day becomes safe for them to have a somewhat stable home.

With the new year here, which I'm speechless because it took me by surprise, I'm going to start a list and actually go through with it.

Here's some of the things I have in mind so far:

1. Have God in my heart above all and let him lead my life
   
2. Lead a healthy lifestyle (aka eat healthier, workout, etc)
3. Have a stronger relationship with my mom
4. Have a tighter bond with my sisters and family
   
5. Put more value, love and time into my friendships
6. Fight for what matters to me
7. Get as many scholarships as I can
   
8. Focus on school and pass all my AP exams
9. Have a nice, inexpensive trip with my mom
10. Travel to NYC with Ana
    
11. Route 66 with Diana
    
12. Have a great start to my first year in college (ahhhh!!!)
13. Always remember to be myself and keep in mind my goals
14. Stop all of the fighting and hate I have towards those certain individuals
15. Go to Nicaragua at least for a week to visit my family on both sides (especially Mama Aurita)
16. Start baking healthier desserts and maybe start sewing again?
17. More me time (bubble baths! ^.^)

Those are some of the things I plan on reaching this year. More than anything I want to spend time with my grandma's, my mom and reach a whole new level with God.

May this year be the best one so far. May this year bring many love, peace, and happiness to not only my heart and soul, but to my family and those around me.

I hate this

I don't know why I sound so sure of myself.
I don't understand how in the world I could be giving advice to anyone right now when I'm feeling completely different.

Fuck my emotions.

UM...

I think I'm going to Texas...

WAIT..

No, it's true.

OMG. IM GOING TO TEXAS. WUT DA HELL.

All I want for christmas is...

a wafflemaker.

Someone,anyone, please make it happen. :(

A new era

Christmas is coming! Christmas is coming!

I feel like I should be more excited, but I'm not. I need to get in the holiday spirit but I don't know how.

With new years right around the corner I haven't even thought about a new years resolution. BUT...change is happening. Right now.

Yesterday I had an appointment with a trainer at the gym (Yes,I'm starting to work out again). He gave me a 20 session workout plan that includes going to the gym 5 times a week to work on my arms, core, and legs. If I eat healthier and stick to the plan, in one month I should see results. Honestly, I don't care about my weight anymore. It does suck to step on a scale and see the high three digit number, but I'm not so worried about it anymore. I'm doing this because a) my mom was being a pain about working out and I'm fulfilling her request, b) I want to be healthier like I once was, and c) I just want to look and feel good. Nothing wrong with that, right? Well, change is inevitably occurring everywhere I turn. Good thing I love change! I am a little scared about the future, especially me being the kind of person that likes to know every step of the way, but I'm willing to be open minded and try out this new method. It's called "live the present".

I'm not going to be stuck on what if's, even though I'm still sad, and I'm not going to worry about tomorrow. TODAY I am glad to be where I am and I accept any challenge.

(Wow...I just read that a loud and I want to punch myself for being so optimistic.)

Anywho, I've got work to do. I salute the new era!

I started watching Being Erica again right from where I left off: Season 3. This season is about all the changes she goes through and episode 2 was about Erica breaking up with Ethan. Three weeks after her breakup, she still felt bad about it all and wanted to avoid the pain. Claire, the girl that married Ethan a long time ago, avoided the pain. She kept delaying it until she couldn't anymore and it ended in a nasty divorce. As much as she wanted it to work, it didn't. The lesson of the episode was that breakups are never easy, especially when you're not only losing a lover but also a friend. It's going to hurt, it's going to be painful, but in the end what you did is where you want to be. I can't go back on my decision, because as much as I want us to be meant for each other its not going to happen. I can want us to be friends, but thats not going to happen anytime soon. All I can do is nothing. I'm not going to avoid the pain anymore, I'm not going to set a time limit for when I can stop being sad because that isn't how things work. I'm going to stay here and move on until time eventually takes the pain away.

Thank you, Erica, for being there for me.