Sigh

Its sad to know that theres literally a wall between us right now.

Tomorrow, perhaps?

Maybe someday we'll meet. We'll see each other and we'll know.
We'll learn how to play the banjo and harmonica together and we'll start our own secret band.
We'll watch really aggravating, foreign films together and laugh about the absurdity.
We'll have a lazy day where we'll just drive around til we find a place we like.


Maybe someday.

AHHHH

I'm so excited for the future!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hyacinth told me during lunch today that she wanted to go on this volunteering trip with Medlife to Peru and asked me if I was interested. HECK YEAH i'm interested! I'd LOVE to go, especially since it's in the field I want to work in for the rest of my life. (oh and peruvian food is amazing :p) I'M SO FRIGGIN HAPPYYY!!!

And then the fact that I picked miami dade honors and how im getting extra cash on the side and how im staying nearby home and how God is helping me settle things into place...I LOVE YOU.

:)

Cheers! *clink*

I'm staying in Miami for two more years.

How? And more importantly, why?

I've decided to pick the Honors college at Miami Dade. Running away and being away so far from home isn't the answer. My family is here in Miami and the Honors college gives me so many opportunities and it doesn't tie me down like the South Carolina scholarship would. I have a bit more freedom as to what my next move should be and I'm in a smaller classroom environment and maybe someday I can go on an internship to Ireland >:p

The point is, Miami is a melting pot of culture and I want to meet different people, so why not start small?

I'm also excited knowing my family's gonna be nearby and that I won't be missing out on too much.

After the MDC honors interview, I swore I didn't get in. I stuttered too much and the lady brought up my failed math classes. There were sooooo many applicants that wanted to get into the campus that I wanted to get into, and somehow they picked me. Thank you, God. Thank you so much.

Cheers to the future, and cheers to one of the happiest months in the year!

What to do, what to do

I've come a long way. Looking back, I've accomplished so many things and I've never stopped to look around at all the things currently in my life.

If I stay in Miami and choose the Honors College, what will happen to me?
If I leave and choose a school out of state, as in Seton Hall, University of Arizona, or even South Carolina State, where will my life lead to?

I have to let Miami Dade know whether I picked them before April 4th, and that's right around the corner. Sigh.

fUN fRIdAyS.....lol jk

I'm lost. I don't know what step I should take, I don't know if that step is even what I want. I don't even know what I want. I just want to be happy. Eat and be happy. Wake up in the morning, make myself some coffee and breathe in happiness and peace.

I need you, Dad. I'm...eternally undecisive and worrysome.

It's all one big fuck

Fuck fuck fuck fuck.

I'm really tired and whenever it comes to helping people I can't help but saying yes and then thoughts and memories of our past never cease to disappear lately and then you, who I hate, pop in my head like its all good and I don't have my prom dress yyet or a prom date and im really tired and all i want is this work done but its not and i want a big bear hug. sigh.

Fuck.

Maybe I want things my way too much where I start wanting people to act the way I want them to and get mad when they don't "live up to my standards".

Dad, you here?

It's over; I think.

I told Diana what I felt, and I sent the message. She blocked me on facebook and basically told me off that she couldn't believe what I was saying especially after everything we've been through. I called her last night to try to work things out because I did feel like I attacked her and I shouldn't have said things the way I did, but that was no use. I called her again twice today and nothing, but then she called me back. I tried apologizing for what I said, but useless again. She was mad and hurt. I hurt her badly and she didn't want anything to do with me, she didn't even want to say my face. But at one point I felt what I wrote so I had to send it, but now I'm just a jerk. I am a jerk. I hurt people. That's what I do. She even threw the Casey thing in my face, and it hurts because I've been thinking about that a lot lately and it has nothing to do with our friendship. According to her, "I think everyones out to get me, and I'm so hurt that I think everyones gonna hurt me, and I'm to judgemental and too critical and I don't fight for anyone thats worth". She thinks I think she's a piece of shit.

And you know what, I don't think that. But maybe I am everything that she said.
Maybe I am too judgemental of everyone and I want everything to go my way and for everyone to be how I picture them. But it's not like that and things don't go my way. I should appreciate what I have and realize that everyone around me is human and that they make mistakes. I should let go of all this hate I have inside me and I should take things easy and not so seriously. I won't get anywhere if I continue to keep my act up. I need to start appreciating what I have and thank God for every breath I take and for everyone that's in my life.

I'm sorry to everyone that I've hurt, including you God and my mother, and everyone else that I've tried to control and wanted them to do things my way. But it's not like that.

I need help. And I know the one guy that will lead me to the way.

I need sleep and it's 2am

I dunno why I just thought of this, but at school in the senior section wall someone wrote "free mah dawg priscilla"

Lolololol, whose priscilla???

Yesterday

I was skyping with Sophia and then my mom walks in to my room and asks me if I want to go to her friends house, which just happens to be Josue's mom. I said no, why should I go, right?

5 minutes later she calls me and tells me that she just got hit by a car and that the car was totaled or something. I was freaking out; earlier that day, after menchies, I kept thinking about my mom and I being in a car accident. I don't know what's wrong with me.

I called my aunt and she came and picked me up and took me to where she was. She was nervous, but other than that she seemed fine. The other car was a huge truck and it jammed into her left side. There wasn't a four way stop sign so my mom had the right to keep driving. The truck didn't stop and it jammed into her and the car swerved, mind you it was raining. When my mom realized the car wasn't stopping she accelerated, and if she hadn't, it probably would have hit her.

I'm just glad she's okay. This morning she woke up with a bit of pain on her neck and shoulder and arm, so hopefully she feels better soon.

God still has a purpose for her, she still needs to be here on Earth. Please, God, don't take her away from me just yet.

First day of spring break

Finished watching Breakfast at Tiffany's.
Too adorable.

I guess I should do something productive now, since it's 12:28pm.

Ah, screw you daylight savings.

Everyone lately is in love.

I want to be in love: with life, with God, with myself. I want to stop being so careless about my personal issues, as in my body, my health, my room, my life. I want to take care of myself and stop walking through life like it's a dark forest. Life has obstacles, but it also has it's rewards. I want to LIVE. I want to love God above all and I want to be happy with my surroundings.

Spring break, starts my month of inner change.

Fuck you, Ryan Gosling.

Why are you perfect? Why aren't you next to me instead of this $5 dollar big box from taco bell?

WHY AREN'T WE SOULMATES

Another saturday "well spent"

As I lie bed lazily, I hear the birds chirping outside and the sky and sun remind me of what a good saturday it is.

But I'm too lazy to get up. Or eat. Or do anything.

Sigh.

Surprise, surprise!

A while back, last year in April to be exact, Mrs. Mendez had a poster on her podium talking about national poetry month. I thought it looked really cool so I went online and sent in my information to get a free poster in the mail. Well...I never got a poster. Turns out they had ran out so I was out of luck.

I was in my room when my mom called me telling me I had gotten something in the mail: it was from the National Poetry Month people. They sent me a poster from this year's poem and I love it. It's called "Our Valley" by Philip Levine. He talks about reality, how we think that everything we see is ours, including the the ocean, the trees, the Earth. But it's not.

"...even if “the mountains […] dissolve in dust” and the “wind dies” those are only moments stitched into a blanket called “our life” (lines 23, 14, 24)."

"...wait for the wind, catch a scent of salt, call it our life."

That's what I really wanted to say. But I didn't say anything. Because then everyone was gonna say "maria, are you so hurt by men that you need to make such hateful comments?"

But no, it's just....odd.
Especially from him.

I'm sorry God and mom, but if there are no signs of me moving out anytime soon before college, I'm going out of state.
I don't care if I have to take out loans, I don't care if I have to find someway to pay for college, I am NOT going to live here. This isn't healthy for anyone and no one is happy in this damn hypocritical "family".

I refuse to be a part of this anymore and I will do whatever it takes to live a better life.

My mom and I have talked countless times about moving out and all this other stufff, and she keeps waiting for a sign from God but sometimes you can't wait for a sign. If she stays behind, that will be her choice. I feel bad about leaving her here, if she chooses to stay, but I can't do this.

Why am I so damn emotional? Chaisen. Maybe I just need to toughen up, or maybe going out of state will help my mom move out. She'll only need to worry about her and then it won't be such a problem anymore. Sigh. I don't want to move away but this might be my only choice to finally breathe and focus.

God, if you're reading or listening, please....please enlighten me.

And sometimes it's just coincidence.

IN YO FACE UF

GOT INTO THE UNIVERSITY OF ARIZONA AND GOT OFFERED A SCHOLARSHIP!!!!! IN YO FACE UF. IN YO FACE!!! :')

I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO FEEL, THIS IS SO SURREAL!!!!!! I CAN'T WAIT TO SHOW MRS. REMMEN ON MONDAY OR TUESDAY.....OMGGGGGGGG

THANK YOU, DAD. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR EVERYTHING YOU DO. THIS IS A SPECIAL SHOUT TO THE COOLEST GUY I KNOW, GOD.

:DDDD

Wait a minute, does this change anything....?
HMMM....

Yesterday, Mrs. Mendez said that one little thing changes everything, which I had already known, but the way she said it sounded....dark and magical? That one choice..that one simple mistake...that one simple thing makes the difference of two separate lives.

Coincidence vs Fate

That unexpected look, that unexpected meeting between two individuals, that moment where everything aligns and for one second you believe it was meant to be....or was it?

I went to the beach yesterday with Alyssa and Roxanne after school and it was super relaxing. I had so much fun and just having unforced conversation and laughter with two girls that don't ask much out of life. I got to thinking about this whole coincidence and fate thing and I asked them what they thought. There responses were: "Sometimes it's coincidence, sometimes it's fate".

But how do you know? When a moment comes and you think it was fate, what if it really was only coincidence and nothing more? A simple meeting between two strangers, and two strangers you'll stay?

Alyssa told me her uncle's story. He was born in Germany and then came to the U.S. and graduated

Happy leap day!

Life....life is good.
And God? God is too wonderful.

Le Weekend ~

Such a great weekend.

• Did awesome with the whole "teaching the teachers" lesson plan at the teacher meeting.
• Did some HW, not all, but more than I've ever done on a saturday night.
• Made an awesome love album for Mrs. Remmen
• JAMMED TO MY LOVE ALBUM IN THE CAR
• watched The King's Speech saturday night
• Cooked/baked today for lunch: mushroom baked chicken and cinnamon roll pie
• shared lunch with the napoles and mah momma/stepsiter/stepdad
• went to Bayside with the Napoles' and had a great time :D
• date with Sophie as we watched the Oscar's together over skype
• THE ARTIST WON :'''''')
• totally worth staying up late

And I ain't even read for AP english. Hmm....

I was thinking on the car ride back home from Bayside, and Miami-Dade honors seems like a really good option right now. I love my family toooo much to just miss out and I maybe I haven't given Miami too much of a chance? I dunno. Just a thought.

Not too much to ask for, right?

All I want right now is apple pie. Warm, gooey, rich, curl-your-ties, moanin-worthy applie pie. With, perhaps, a small scoop of vanilla bean ice cream. Or just vanilla would be nice.

Yeah....that's all I want.

Note to self:

It's okay to be sad, feel sad. But don't let it get to you, or in other words, don't let that ruin your day. Keep your goals in check and remember what it is that you want to do and what you have to do in order to get there.

THANK YOU, JESUS, for giving me the chance to breathe.

Just breathe.

Too much emotions

My arms are fat. I am sad. I have no energy. I want to go to bed. I want to scream. I want to cry.

But I have homework to do.

Senior breakfast today

And now that I'm home, why do I have this...sadness over me? This lethargic and emptyness that took over me when I got home, I don't know where it came from. It's my fault though, for ditching my friends. Maybe thats why I feel like this.

Senior breakfast tomorrow

Dress? Check.
Shoes? Uh...Check!
Hair in place? Check!
Avoiding ex? NO.

The one person I wanted to avoid this entire trip, to just enjoy without any awkward stares or awkwards greetings or anything awkward can't be avoided. Why? Because out of the four buses in this whole trip, we're going on the same bus. Riding for 40 minutes together. I won't feel comfortable knowing he's somewhere around me.

Why why why why why why why why

In case I die of happyness..

Before I do, I want the world to know that tonight I have made the greatest vegeterian chili. IT IS SO GOOD. (Even though I didn't come up with this recipe, I did improve and kind of made it my own since instead of adding another can of tomato sauce I added salsa :3)

Yep. And this Quinoa with Brown rice is scrumptiously delicious!!!!!!!!

WASSUP, FOOD NETWORK

Three things I know right now:

I can't wait to go grocery shopping tomorrow.
I want to start traveling already to be in company of out-of-this-world food and wine.
I'm pleasantly happy.

Always a post about the good ol' silly little boys

After the friday night incident on my socially awkwardness around guys, something stood out to me: if im not ugly, if i seem like a nice girl, then why would someone not approach me?

Saturday night, after Diana, her parents, and I got back from the Keys and our adventure, we were watching the Cheetah girls and singing to our old jams. We didn't finish watching it cause my mom wanted me home so I said goodnight to Diana's parents and she took me home. We stopped by at Menchie's and the guy that was working there was clearly making eye contact with Diana and they were flirting and all that junk. I was like "what, do I have something in my teeth that I can't be noticed?". We took our bowls and sat down. Through the eating and the car ride to my house, she said that I give off this "im not interested, fuck off" vibe. Whcih, surprised me at first, but then I was like...oh. That may be true. She said guys like to make a girl feel protected and that when someone looks at me you see this independent girl who doesn't need somebody to pull her together cause I have my thoughts elsewhere.

I need to start socializing a bit more. Not that I wanna be a whore, but dang...

GREAT GREAT GREAT WEEK. LET 2012 BRING ON THESE GOOD TIMES!!!!

When does a week start, on a Sunday or Monday? If it's Monday, then this has been an amazing week so far :>>>

I thought Valentine's day was going to be a drag this week, actually I felt like it was genuinely going to be a good day. AND IT WAS A GREAT DAY! Lindsay made me gnocchi with meat sauce for lunch, oreo truffles for dessert and a cute note saying she was funna bring me homemade key lime pie for wednesday :D Tammy gave me the cuuuuuutest note and then I watched the Time Traveler's Wife with Anabel <3

Wednesday was the much-required me day, I really needed to just slow down and my mom made me some chicken noodle soup :')

On Thursday, my mom and I went to an appointment about this whole child support junk and the lady said everything should be resolved in a matter of three months. My dad is not getting away with it this time. Even though I start feeling bad about enforcing this money situation on him, but then I remember all the hard times my moms had to go through and it's not fair to her, or me.
My mom and I bonded on the train ride back home, even if meant just holding me while I read. School was breeezy ~

Friday I went to the movies (on a date) with Tuty and Yoel and his friends. Yoel was going on a date with this new girl he likes, who apparently are now bf/gf, and his friends to watch the vow and since I know Tuty wasn't gonna like that we went and saw Ghost Rider, which was dumb but he and him had a nice date :3 After the movie Yoel snuck out to the Crepemaker without letting me know. Tuty and I were in the parking lot without knowing what to do so we eneded up going to the Crepe Maker. "Is this the crepemaker?" No, its subway" Lololol, we ordered a nutella crepe. After a while I noticed that one of the workers there was really cute and I tried to start talking to him but I wasn't in my comfort zone, which was why I wanted to go for it. But I'm nowhere near flirty and being myself would just show my even more naivveness and awkwardnesss that I am. I need to start socializing a bit more.

Saturday....Diana and I keep talking about doing things and they actually happen. WE WENT FRIGGIN' PARASAILING. AND IT WAS MAGICAL. TOOOO MAGICAL. Like riding on a Swingset in the sky :''''''') And then we finally went to the Wafflehouse!!!!!!! It was toooooo wonderful!! Surprisingly, Juan was there O.o As in, Juan from Middle School, Juan from yoel's baseball team....that Juan o.o How do you find someone all the way in the Keys after you don't see them in Homestead? After that, Diana's parents took us to where her dad works and it was so cayoooote and I asked Diana how much it costs to stay at the resort for a night and her dad said"300 dollars" HELL NOO. BUT DEN, her mom said that they offered him three free nights and that she would try to convince him to let us use one of those nights :DDDDDDDDD OMG DIS GON BE AWESOME. And now Diana wants to go to Calle Ocho, she want me to die or sumthing...

Sunday. My day just started and I'm wondering what the day will lead to...

Valentines day

I dreaded today. Actually, I always dread February's in general. I just don't like anything about valentines day, not because I'm alone, but because it's a commercialized holidays and people actually fall for it.
BUT today has been a great day :D Lindsay made me gnocci with meat sauce and oreo truffles :>, Tammy gave me the cutest valentines day card :3, Judy gave me a box of chocolates c:, i got to deliver goodies, Mrs. remmen told me i was a semi-finalist for the salute to education scholarship and its just been a good day :)

After I came home from the gym, my mom gave me some letters and one of them was to let me know that I'm not a soroptimist winner aka I didn't get the scholarship. I was sad, but then I was realized, its okay. I'm not the person they're looking for and it's not my fault. I'm just....not the one. I hope the people that do get it appreciate it :)

People should really listen to me more often...

I told Ana a long time ago that there were three places you shoud never meet guys. I don't remember the other two, but the flea market was definitely one of them.

AND WHAT DOES SHE DO? Get a crush on one of the guys there!

WUZ GOIN' ON.

The train has left the station, but I'm not in it.

The Train as in the small crush I had on that guy. Not that he doesn't seem like a sweet boy, I'm sure he is, just that it wouldn't work out. We're just on different....levels.

Airplane? Sigh. I'm still working on it, but I'm sure that I soon will move on.

(Anabel and I have different codenames for all of the guys we've liked. My codenames are associated with travel, and hers is with food. Casey was suitcase, and that is all I shall reveal for now)

On to brighter news:

This weekend was bittersweet. Friday, Diana texted me telling me she wanted to hang out with me instead of Andres. I was shocked since it didn't make sense on why she would pick me over sexy Andres. Later on she texts me to tell me that she really needs to see me and that it's bad. She said she was going to pick me up from my bus stop so we could talk. When I get in the car I find her crying and I knew it had to do with Andres. He chose living his single life in the fraternity over being settled down with her. FUCKING ASSHOLE. Why would he get her hopes up like that and then leave her? She was so happy the day before. Singing love songs, twirling around, smiling, laughing....and then crying the next day over this douchebag. And yet, you know what? She still puts herself out there, looking for love wherever it may be. No matter what she's been through, there she is ready to love again. We went to Wendys after that and then Menchie's to eat some froyo. Then we went to volunteer at the church festival, the dessert booth, and I got a call from tia Maritza. Tia Maritza NEVER calls me so I knew it had to be important. I answered and she was like "hey, I'm at dave n busters" and I was like "awesome...you guys having fun?" and then she proceeds to tell me "guess who I just saw?" and I couldn't think of anyone so i said idk and then BAM she says "Casey, your ex, with another girl, chinese looking". AWESOME. THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME KNOW. I wasn't mad, upset, or excited. I was sad, it was bittersweet. I didn't expect him to move on so soon and I was also happy that he seemed like he was doing better. I didn't believe my aunt at first, but then she sent me pictures. I think Shelby was in one of them? Meaning they were celebrating her birthday, meaning I was not invited, meaning we weren't as close as I thought we were. I know things would have been awkward, but a little "hey, im doing this thing at dave n busters, but i dont know how you feel about going cause casey's gonna be there." I probably wouldn't have gone, but its the thouhgt that counts. Ugh. I went home with Diana and we checked my UF admission status. They denied me. Didn't even get in for the summer. I wasn't upset because I didn't even feel like going there, but it was still bittersweet. I went to my aunts house 15 minutes later cause I had to babysat Yoel and chris since they were working late again and thats it for friday.

Saturday, went to church early and did mah thang. The kids weren't focused and I was still blank from last night. After church, I went home and cleaned my room. Jackie said that Daddy was gonna pick me up, and I was soo happy cause I wanted to see them! Daddy and I bonded on our way to Hialeah and then he took us to Taco bell :D MORE BONDING! I went to Jackies house after that and we were getting ready to go see the Vow. Daddy went to go pick up escarleth and then came and got us and we were on our way to Muvico. It wasn't AMAZING, but I liked it alot. I even cried a few times ._. Then we went to Kohls and tried on clothes and wheeled escarleth around in the wheelchair :p Daddy pickeed us up and took us to the fair. I had a nice time, AND I HAVE FRIED OREOS FOR DA FIRST TIME!!!!!!!!! I was having a mini heart-attack after eating just half.....but it was darn good :) After the fair we bought some movies and then went home to Escarleth's and watched Breaking Dawn.
Ivan didn't let me sleep.

Sunday, woke up and bonded for half and hour with Escarleth; we be gettin' deeeep. We got ready for church and tia Juanita and daddy were there! After church, we went back to tio Alcides' house and finished watching Breaking Dawn, it was okay to be honest. Afterwards we went to Ivan's little league game and ate some BK. We came home and then I knocked out on one of the bunk beds. My mom picked me up and then we went to Yessenia's aunts house. We had some fried pork and then played Dominos.

Now I'm home and I have to do so much stufffffffffffffffffffff...........including update other stuff on my blog. Hmm..

My faith and relationship with God needs to grow stronger

My mom's right, I don't even know where my life is headed to. Everything's a mess and I'm not helping myself out by helping everyone elses needs and not my own. I've been thinking about stupid bullshit and here I am, falling slowly. Point me home? We still have time...

I didn't get into UF. I didn't get accepted. I'm a little disappointed, but it was my fault. I should have tried harder. Besides, I didn't really wanna go there. It didn't feel like home. Everyone else wanted to go there, and I kind of decided to go since it was a nice school and my friends wanted to go there. Which then I guess isn't so bad that I didn't get accepted.

Then, while I was working at the church festival, tia Maritza and Luis call me to tell me that they're at Dave n Busters and that they saw Casey with another girl. How nice! After all the trouble we went through to just go out to ONE place, aka the movies at Dolphin, you're allowed to go everywhere else with people your family hasn't met. BULLSHIT. FUCKING BULLSHIT.
Not just that, but it's also bittersweet that he's moving on. I'm kind of happy he's moving on, but why so fast? Guys just don't give a fuck and there not as emotional as we are, even though I felt like i had the pants in the relationship...

I was reading the Bible, chapter 22, and he's right. If I think I'm all great and powerful, how's that gonna help me with God? If I don't do good deeds, etc, why should I expect him to forgive me?
I'm sorry, I'll be nicer to my stepsister. I'll focus on you more, I really want to. Please, please...don't leave me.

tbh

I'm really nervous. I'm scared. I feel...lost. Like something's missing?

I went to Chili's on Thursday afterschool with Alyssa, Roxanne, Stephanie, Monique, Monica, and their friend Chris with the mole. It was nice and relaxing. I saw Cindy and Rene from middle school, but yet I didn't approach them, and they didn't either. After that, Alyssa took me home and then I knocked out. But then my stepsister was being loud as usual and I couldn't go back to sleep. Awesome, right? Well, anyways, I went to the gym, did mah thang, and then I checked Alena's essay because she's applying to the Art Institute in Miami. I know she's getting in and I'm sooo proud of her :') My mom got mad at me because I'm irresponsible, and I know I am, I really do have to prioritize, but it's so hard D: I picked up yoel and christopher at the baseball park an hour late and then my mom took us to their house since I was supposed to sleepover and supervise them. I talked to Yoel about high school and how he needs to focus, (he's failing his core classes and he's on probation). I had a good night sleep that night, except that my body doesn't let me sleep for more than 8 hours grrr

Today was nice too. Watched the Adjustment Bureau with my cousins and I loved it! I went to olive garden for lunch with Anabel, Alexandria and her sister Francis, but had to leave asap cause I left yoel stranded at the barbershop. Then we went to their house, cleaned a bit and then I left at 5 cause my mom wanted to do some errands. After we cleaned and did all of this stuff, my mom took me to Menchie's to meet up with Diana. We had some ice cream and then we came to Yoel's to watch Meet the browns, still funny :p We didn't finish it with her because she had to get "closure" with Andres. I really don't get good vibes from him. I'm sure he's a good guy, but he's just not what Diana needs or deserves. I hope she makes up her mind soon because honestly right now I'm worried about Moises. He's been soooooo good to her and he doesn't deserve to be treated this way.

I know I'm in the mood for some lovin' right now, as in I miss the little perks that relationships bring, but more than anything I want to be single. It's uncomplicated and I don't need all of that drama in my life. I have to much to worry about and focus on and that is going to be the last thing I need right now.

What I need right now is Jesus. Please, never let me go.

Traveling

There's so much out there. When I see pictures of different cities and towns, to think that the backgroung and scenery actually exists....asdjsdghdklfgsd.

I have so much to learn. So little time.

three things i know right now

I'm in the mood for a good night kiss.
I have homework that needs to be done.
I want to go on an airplane, to at least Arizona.

Breathe. Hold your tongue.

I came home from the gym today and I was already mad. Before I left, my stepsiter was cleaning the bathroom when it was clearly my turn this week. Now, I know that sounds ridiculous, why should I be mad? But the thing is that if the situation were reversed and I would have been the one cleaning it then they would have thrown a hissy fit about how I'm careless and irresponsible.
Anyways, when I came home, my stepdad started talking about how they didn't like almond milk and that they only drink 1%. FUCK YOU. Why? Because before when I wanted to drink 1% or something else he would always says "drink what we have and stop complaining, we ain't rich" yada yada yada.

Something stopped me from saying anything, though. I remembered what someone told me, "Learn how to pick your battles. Sometimes the best thing is to keep your mouth shut. Don't fight for something useless, and when the time comes, fight for something that really matters", more or less something like that. Then, I remembered who it was that had told me that: Mr. Barnett, yesterday at the Fairchild challenge (which I have to update on). Well, he didn't directly say it to me, but subconsciously it stayed. He's right.

I'm just tired

that feeling when you make a milkshake to feel pumped up at the gym and nobody comes to the yard.

sigh.

Great chapters have to end in order for an awesome story that is twice as better to begin.

Good night

I finally know what I have to say. Marketa Irglova helped. She knows exactly how I feel.
I wrote to you in an email everything that's left to say. You're my first love and I can't just end it casually, not with someone as special as you are to me.

"But you never asked me to stay. And if you did, you didn't say."

I don't want to keep living in the past. I have to move on. My mind already has, but my heart is weak and fragile. It's silly and falls easily. But you're moving on and I must too. Every boy that comes along will always be compared to you. I'll never forget you.

It's time to pack my bags, though. The lights are out and I must set foot to my next destination before it gets too dark. But may I stay for the night? One last time? I promise to leave at sunrise, before you awake. No, someone ahead whispers. You must leave now. Any second longer and you'll lose it.

Good night.

Reasons why Canada is great?

They accept Dieticians to work with MSF aka Doctors without Borders!!!!!!!!!

GUESS WHO MOVIN' AND BECOMING A PERMANENT RESIDENT IN CANADA?

mmmmm

Valerie - Amy Winehouse <3

I keep thinking I'm doing better and then BAM something about you pops up and I go back to the same old feeling.

It's over. I know.

AW YEAUH

YOU KNOW SHIT GOING DOWN WHEN THE CHEETAH GIRLS ALBUM IS ON REPLAY

NIGGAH DON'T MESS WIT ME RITE NOW

I finished applying to North Carolina, Tennessee, and South Carolina. I called the USDA office today and they explained a few doubts I had and now all I have to do is wait for my transcripts to be perfect :x

I went to Hialeah with my mom yesterday and my daddy seems to be doing better. I told him to promise me that he would take care of himself; he did. I had a nice time with my sisters and uncle :) Before my mom and I got home, we went to Subway and ordered a wheat sandwich! But my stomach hurt after awhile :<

I hit the gym up this morning for about two hours and I feel GREAT. I'm just hungry now...

I have to do research for the debate competition this saturday, finish scholarship essays and all this other homework and junk D:

OH AND OMG GLEN HANSARD IS COMING IN CONCERT TO FLORIDA (with Eddie Vedder) AND I CAN'T MISS HIM THIS TIME. I CAN'T. I CAN'T. I CAN'T.

He's coming on Sunday, May 13th and I'm so so so so so so so so excited. Mah momma betta hook it up wit dem tickets ~

A nice lady once told me

When things start falling into place, and they feel right, you'll know that's where you're supposed to be.

I hope so, nice lady. I hope so.

Updating

I know it's really late, but I need to update because so much has been going on.

1. I applied to Seton Hall University in New Jersey ._.
2. I just finished applying to the University of Arizona o.o
   
3. I'm on the debate team for the Fairchild Challenge O.O
4. I planned my first field trip with French club and it actually might go through!
5. Escarleth is on crutches :(
   
6. My daddy's been super stressed, a nerve distorted and now his face moved sideways
   

I feel horrible about what happened to my dad. He called me when he was in the hospital and I didn't answer him. I texted him telling him I was at the gym but I never called him back. I really need to prioritize and organize my life, everything's getting out of control.

I need to do better in school, not that I'm doing bad, but I need to stay focused and not lose track of what I want. What is it that I want? To be successful and to love what I do. To be happy. To be surrounded by great company (i.e. family and friends). To love the college I choose. To be happy with myself.

I hope my dad gets better soon.

The outsider

There's always that one person who feels like the outcast, like they don't belong. Usually this is seen in the "popular" clique, where there's that one girl/guy whose trying to fit in but yet he knows he'll never be a part of them because he could never be on the level they are.

Well, I'm kind of in the same situation, except in this case there is no popular clique, but more like the "intellectuals". I'm this group of bright and talent young individuals and I'm sitting here like "uhhhhh e=mc^2 and uhhhhhhh 2+2=4". Especially now that I'm in this debate team and everyone's talking about all of these things and I don't want to let anyone down but yet again here I am "uhhhhhh i have to go see a man..about a dog".

I hate that I've procrastinated so much, that I've left everything right up until the last minute. Where's all the motivation? Where's all my goals? Where's all those things I'd planned for?

Fuck. I'm graduating in less 5 months and I have no money for college.

OH

AND I started my healthier lifestyle today!

wo0o0o0o0o0o0 ~

I'm contemplating starting insanity, and I think I am ._. Wish me luck!

A quick post

I have so much to do right now, and God is tooooooo good to me. This is insane O.O

My mom told me today that Deyanira's husband cheated on her and left with the other lady. WUT DA HELL. I never saw that coming :o Everytime I saw him, though, his eyes seem sad. But how could he do such a thing!
(I hope that my uncle finally opens his eyes and maybe, perhaps in the future, something might work out between the two.... ^.^)

Secondly, my mom also told me that she called Diana's mom and asked her for the real estate person that helped them buy her home. She's considering in moving to Malibu Bay...hmm....
She always does this: starts making plans to move, starts bringing home boxes, I get excited, then she changes her mind and decides she's not ready yet, I get really sad, and then that's it until the next time she decides she wants to start moving.
I'm going to wait until she actually has a place in mind and starts contacting a realtor.

But...it would be sad to move. Not because I'm going to miss my stepdad/stepsister, but because I've made my room my nest. I've fit it to my needs and I can't just leave it behind...

But, with happiness comes sacrifices.

May God shine the path we must take.

Off to do hw!

Go big or go home

I want to stop holding myself back. I want to either give it my all or give nothing. I want to not be scared anymore.

Another goal this year: face my fears.

John Donne and my broken heart

I hate knowing you're there and that I'm here. More than anything I wish to simply hold your hand. To feel your warm skin, to smell that distinct scent of yours.

I want to be in your arms right now. On quiet nights like these, I miss you even more than I can handle.

Casey Jones, after you, I will never, ever be the same. I may like, wish, adore, but love? I cannot.

Closure

My heart was racing and my armpits were sweating badly (I didn't know they could even sweat).
I was in the library, waiting for him to get there. I was freaking out and I was nervous and I didn't know what to think or expect.
A shadow came near me and asked, "Is this seat taken?". It was him.
I looked up, he looked better than ever. Or maybe it was that I missed him too much, but he looked extremely good. We hugged and maybe a little longer than we should have, but we did. His scent was still the same and I missed that smell so much. We sat down and I asked him how he was, something I'd rehearsed for hours the night before and all day today. He said he was fine and then I started sharing with him everything that had been on my mind. I told him that I did feel chemistry, just not an "emotional connection". We never got personal and he changes subjects whenever I say something that matters to me, and ultimately it's not his fault. I don't blame him. Unfortunately we'll just never have that kind of connection. Maybe I gave up on him too fast, because I recently found out (thanks to Diana) that I never fight for something if it seems like its broken. Nobody's perfect and we all have our flaws, so why did I give up? As the old quote goes, "If you let something go and it comes back to you somehow or someway, then it was meant to be."

Either way, religion played a major role in our relationship, and with all of the college issues present, things would have probably ended even worse. Hurt now, or hurt later?

After all our emotions have faded, I hope we manage to save our friendship. He really did brighten up my life. His optimism, his corny jokes, his laugh, his smile, his stare, I'll never forget. He loves me, I know he does. He loves me. He loves me. He loves me. He loves me. And the sad part is? I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him. More than I thought I ever could love a silly boy.

I LOVE YOU, DAMMIT.

Right now what worries me most is his sickness. He's really sick and I want to be there for him so badly even though I know I should probably keep my distance. Sigh. He said he would keep me updated, and I hope he does. I'm going to see him Monday though, I hope.

Talking to him today made me so haaaaaappyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. I can't even explain how happy I was. All the sadness went away. The pain? Gone. I felt....normal. That is until I realized I probably wouldn't get to talk to him anymore. You can't be friends with someone when you have feelings for them, it's not possible. Then came the sadness again.

But I have to move forward. There's so much to do and I can't stop and let the sadness take over. I won't let it. I should be happy I was blessed to meet him and spend almost 7 months of my life with him.

Please, God, let everything be okay. Let this disease cure itself. Please, please, please.

OH AND UH

My mom is meeting the man of her dreams this year, she has too.

God listens. And I know that this year my mom will meet a man that will not only be her best friend, but her companion. A man that deserves her and that loves her with every cell in his body. A man that shows her that the other side of the grass is greener. When my stepdad and my mom finally part both ways, my mom will find that stability and love.

God, please, please, please.

Cheers to a new year!

I have been blessed to reach another year, and not just any year, but a year where many obstacles and challenges are going to be thrown my way. Will I handle them? God only knows, but I hope to do the best that I can.

To be honest, I'm shitting my pants. I have no idea what to expect and the last thing I want to do is disappoint my mom. I don't want my mom to waste any money on my education and I want to be able to achieve everything that I set my mind to. Someday, not too far from now, I will be a Nutritionist and I will help kids establish a healthy relationship with their food. My goal is to help those less fortunate in underprivileged nations and hope that their hygiene and environment one day becomes safe for them to have a somewhat stable home.

With the new year here, which I'm speechless because it took me by surprise, I'm going to start a list and actually go through with it.

Here's some of the things I have in mind so far:

1. Have God in my heart above all and let him lead my life
   
2. Lead a healthy lifestyle (aka eat healthier, workout, etc)
3. Have a stronger relationship with my mom
4. Have a tighter bond with my sisters and family
   
5. Put more value, love and time into my friendships
6. Fight for what matters to me
7. Get as many scholarships as I can
   
8. Focus on school and pass all my AP exams
9. Have a nice, inexpensive trip with my mom
10. Travel to NYC with Ana
    
11. Route 66 with Diana
    
12. Have a great start to my first year in college (ahhhh!!!)
13. Always remember to be myself and keep in mind my goals
14. Stop all of the fighting and hate I have towards those certain individuals
15. Go to Nicaragua at least for a week to visit my family on both sides (especially Mama Aurita)
16. Start baking healthier desserts and maybe start sewing again?
17. More me time (bubble baths! ^.^)

Those are some of the things I plan on reaching this year. More than anything I want to spend time with my grandma's, my mom and reach a whole new level with God.

May this year be the best one so far. May this year bring many love, peace, and happiness to not only my heart and soul, but to my family and those around me.

I hate this

I don't know why I sound so sure of myself.
I don't understand how in the world I could be giving advice to anyone right now when I'm feeling completely different.

Fuck my emotions.

UM...

I think I'm going to Texas...

WAIT..

No, it's true.

OMG. IM GOING TO TEXAS. WUT DA HELL.

All I want for christmas is...

a wafflemaker.

Someone,anyone, please make it happen. :(

A new era

Christmas is coming! Christmas is coming!

I feel like I should be more excited, but I'm not. I need to get in the holiday spirit but I don't know how.

With new years right around the corner I haven't even thought about a new years resolution. BUT...change is happening. Right now.

Yesterday I had an appointment with a trainer at the gym (Yes,I'm starting to work out again). He gave me a 20 session workout plan that includes going to the gym 5 times a week to work on my arms, core, and legs. If I eat healthier and stick to the plan, in one month I should see results. Honestly, I don't care about my weight anymore. It does suck to step on a scale and see the high three digit number, but I'm not so worried about it anymore. I'm doing this because a) my mom was being a pain about working out and I'm fulfilling her request, b) I want to be healthier like I once was, and c) I just want to look and feel good. Nothing wrong with that, right? Well, change is inevitably occurring everywhere I turn. Good thing I love change! I am a little scared about the future, especially me being the kind of person that likes to know every step of the way, but I'm willing to be open minded and try out this new method. It's called "live the present".

I'm not going to be stuck on what if's, even though I'm still sad, and I'm not going to worry about tomorrow. TODAY I am glad to be where I am and I accept any challenge.

(Wow...I just read that a loud and I want to punch myself for being so optimistic.)

Anywho, I've got work to do. I salute the new era!

I started watching Being Erica again right from where I left off: Season 3. This season is about all the changes she goes through and episode 2 was about Erica breaking up with Ethan. Three weeks after her breakup, she still felt bad about it all and wanted to avoid the pain. Claire, the girl that married Ethan a long time ago, avoided the pain. She kept delaying it until she couldn't anymore and it ended in a nasty divorce. As much as she wanted it to work, it didn't. The lesson of the episode was that breakups are never easy, especially when you're not only losing a lover but also a friend. It's going to hurt, it's going to be painful, but in the end what you did is where you want to be. I can't go back on my decision, because as much as I want us to be meant for each other its not going to happen. I can want us to be friends, but thats not going to happen anytime soon. All I can do is nothing. I'm not going to avoid the pain anymore, I'm not going to set a time limit for when I can stop being sad because that isn't how things work. I'm going to stay here and move on until time eventually takes the pain away.

Thank you, Erica, for being there for me.

It's almost 1 am and I miss you.
I miss the sound of your voice.
I miss our talks.
I miss the bond that we had.

I just finished watching "Sex and the City, the movie" and I didn't cry.
I ALWAYS cry when sappy love scenes come on and everyone's happy, or sad.
This time, I just sat there, looking at the screen. No emotion.
My eyes got watery, but no tears escaped.
Why?

You didn't fight for me though. You didn't try to change my mind.
Just like Samantha said, it's a risk I'll have to take. Moving on.
When someone goes into a relationship, they of course wish that it would last forever. You don't go into a relationship hoping that it wouldn't last because then that would be a booty call or something else.

Of course I'm sad. I spent months trying to build my relationship. I spent months hoping that it would last. But it didn't. Here we are, both a part.

He's been in the hospital since Tuesday and I wish I could be there for him, but I can't. There's too much history, too much pain, too much love. I did love him, I did want it to work out, more than anything. I started thinking that maybe it was my past that prevented me from being completely happy, but that wasn't it. We're just not meant for each and I can't say anything else more than it sucks.

All the plans, dreams, life together is out. We're both young and maybe got to carried away, but it was an experience I will never forget.

Now is the time that I get back to focusing on my family, my life, my future, me.

Cheers to the new era. May I be single for a long, long, long time.

Relationships

On April 28th, 2011 I posted the following:

"I’ve always wondered and I’m still curious to know what is it that makes
two people decide that they like each other and they want to start a
relationship. Is it this indescribable energy that flows as soon as you’re with
that person, or this longing to be with anyone that you pick the one guy that
seems to be interested in you? People always say that when the time comes,
you’ll know who that one person is. But…relationships aren’t the same for
everyone. Some people want to feel that burning passionate love, and others want
to be held at night; some both. How do you distinguish one from the other? When
the time does come, how do you know you wanna be with that person not because
you wanna be held, but because you feel that energy, that connection? Do you
feel it as soon as you meet this person, or does it gradually grow?

Fairytales and the media have taken charge on this issue. Disney movies
have portrayed this certain image on how love really is (and Nicholas Sparks).
Is it really love at first sight? High school sweethearts that get married after
high school and have the two kids, dog and white picket fence? Or that fateful
moment that you bump into that person, your eyes meet and you suddenly realize
thats the person you wanna spend the rest of your life with?

When a boy comes along, how do you know you’re making the right choice?"

Be careful what you wish for because my journey went around its full circle and came to an end today. I asked a question and it was answered. What is it that makes two people want to be together? It's this never-ending desire to find that person that completes you. I know that sounds ridiculous since we're all born whole, but there's this part of us that longs for another individual to come along and change the ballgame. The longing for someone to step into our world and be able to comprehend one another in a level never imaginable. The warmth of another human being penetrating you, the touch of someone else's skin on yours, the eyes that search yours for a deeper connection, the hand that traces the puzzles of your hand, the feeling that there's someone out there dying to see a glimpse of your face one last time before the night ends.

Casey and I are no longer together. I don't know if I made a mistake, I don't know what's going to happen now that it's over, but it's over. I didn't want to do it; I was scared...confused. I wish and I badly want to be that person he belongs with, to be the girl he needs. I wish he was the boy I was destined to be with, and I wish things were differently.

I never thought the day would come where the us that we once were would be blown by the wind. Slowly I saw your eyes, looking for a hint of desperation or a sign of pain. I saw a child being told Santa wasn't coming this year. But you also didn't fight for me. You sat there, in silence as I unfolded our future. You let me go. You said that I'd made up my mind and it looked like I couldn't be swayed easily. But did you try? No. I'm not that girl, I won't ever be the girl that you'll love with all of you.

I won't ever regret meeting you. You unlocked some things I never knew I had in me, like the possibility of finding someone to even understand an inch of me. Or the fact that I even found someone to love me and not use me for sex.

His sister deleted me on facebook and it hurts. I didn't think his family would delete me from their lives so easily. I knew they weren't going to be accepting and throw me a party, but to take me out in a matter of seconds? I wasn't expecting it.

My intentions were never to hurt him. I just didn't want to let this go on further when it would hurt even more later on. Our goals, our plans are too different and so are many other factors that would complicate things even more. Hurt now, with a dose of pain? or hurt later with massive withdrawal symptoms?

I hate knowing and accepting that I'll never be a part of your life again, that our story is over. That everything we shared is gone...that it's now a closed book to be put away on a shelf, ready to collect dust. I hate realizing that what we once had we will never have again. The bond, trust, respect, maybe, that we once shared is now gone. It's gone. Our story is over. That, is something I won't be able to accept so easily.

I wish I was yours forever. I wish you were mine and no one else's. But I can't be selfish. I can't.
God, please help me. Please help me move on... I know this won't be easy, I just didn't think it would be this hard.

Casey, if you ever read this, and maybe you won't, but I do love you. I wish that we were meant for each other, and maybe someday we will. It's hard for me right now, trying to move on, trying to find a balance, and I can't. Every thought of you, or your family and the life we once shared makes me upset, makes me cry, and now seems like lifetimes ago. Don't forget about me, please. Because I sure won't.

P.S. I finally cleaned my bookbag just like you asked me.

My butt hurts

Which is probably why it’s all saggy.

I’ve been sitting at this computer since 4pm and I’m tired. I’ve been working on the music playlist for Escarleth’s quince since Saturday and I finally finished right now. I HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT.

BUT THEN THE LIGHT WAS JUST SOME ASSHOLE FLASHING HIS FLASHLIGHT.

BECAUSE I GOTTA FINISH ONLINE SCHOOL. WOOOOO ~

Things have changed

After Casey and I met each other, I knew things were going to change. I started giving my family more importance and I decided not to go away for college, as in out of state. I guess meeting Casey had something to do with it, somehow putting our relationship into consideration.

But I don’t want him to change his plans because I came along, and I don’t want myself in that position either.

Which is why I want to go to Arizona for a few days. I want to visit the University of Arizona to see if out-of-state is what I really want, and I also get to visit my aunt which I haven’t seen in years.

I don’t want to regret later on or think of what would have happened if I gave myself that chance. I want to know I’m making the right choice for me, and no one else.

I need to do this. I’m going to ask my mom tomorrow and hopefully she agrees with me, which I doubt, but I’m going to try.

thanksgiving break, etc

Thanksgiving day was yesterday.

I finally managed to get out of bed at 10am and it turns out my stepdad and stepsister were going fishing. I didn't go cause I had so much to do, baking wise ;) I ended up making the easter potatoes thing, pumpkin chocolate chip cookies and sweet-n-salty brownies :D they were really good! While I was doing the cookies, I was skyping a bit with Stephanie Castillo. I really miss her and I wish we were more involved in each others lives. We text often but that's not enough to maintain a friendship.

While doing all of this, I was watching Jumanji on telefutura because we still don't have cable, and apparently it's going to stay like that for awhile D: I asked my mom for netflix again and she said yes :3 I hope nothings changed too much with that.

After I was done, Diana called me and told me that Frank was going with us to the Buddhist temple. I was like "waaahhh". He didn't end up going though, thank the Lord )or Siddhartha)! It is so pretty at the temple. Vibrant colors everywhere and gold thai statues of the buddha. Such serenity everywhere you go, and the people are so friendly. Never judging you and never asking you to leave or what you wanted. Before entering the temple you had to take your shoes off. There were monks (bald and in orange "dresses") walking around everywhere. I always knew it, but the main focus of buddhism is happiness. No matter what you did or where you went, there was always this interior happiness without the materialistic objcts attached to it that everyone wanted and was looking for. It was such a great experience and I'm glad I got to go. We were late for the festival though, maybe next year :/

I came back home at around 4 something and then soon my mom came home and then my steppdad/stepsister came back from fishing. We got ready and left to my uncles house. It was a good time celebrating with them, I hope we don't just reunite for special ocasions. I'm going to try to make these reunions a bit more often. My stepdad and stepsister got into an argument about how she was eating too much and so she left crying. Apparently they had eaten before they got there. Later on she was acting all spoiled and selfish and I didn't like it one bit and of course I didn't stay quiet. Yoel and her started practicing for her dance show she wanted to have at the party. Yol didn't want to do it at all. We went home at about nine and then I was so upset and angry, but my mom calmed me down. I love my mom so much, no matter how much we fight or disagree she's the most beautifulest and amazing woman I have ever met. I'm so thankful and grateful for her. She's come along way but I think she's finally getting to that inner happiness she's always wanted.

My stepsister wanted me to read her a bedtime story and so, angrily, I went to her room. I talked to her about how I didn't like this little attitude she was giving my mom and me. We made up and then I read her a story and she fell asleep. I came to my room and I was texting Casey but then he said he was playing video games with his friend and cousin so I didnt text back as soon and somehow fell asleep.

I'm happy and I know that I don't need him to live and breathe, and yesterday at the Buddha temple I was okay with him not being there. But I miss him, and right now it's his hugs, his kisses, and his touch that I want the most.

but anyways my stepsister is ready me a story right now so I'm gonna stop being rude.

yep. BEST BIG SISTER EVER

aw :'3

My stepsister just made me breakfast in bed :)
She came in with eggs, rice, and una arepa. It was DELICIOUS.
She said it was because she was thankful for everything I've
done for her.

Ah, breakfast...in bed. If only a certain someone was here
to share it with me ._.

Um

I think I just ended my friendship with Diana.

I'm tired, I'm stressed, I keep putting time and effort into this and don't receive the same in return?

That's cool. Maybe one day we'll both be mature about this, but for now good night.

I lost my best friend. Just like I knew I would.

Funny how (not really funny) how "good riddance" by greenday came on when it was over.

A sign? Maybe. Time will tell, though.

Now that my stepsisters here…

My mom is her “second mom”. She does all that a mother would do for her daughter and she actually seems happy, my mom does. And so does my stepsister.

Yesterday, she went to go buy her some uniform and then with my stepdad to go buy some school supplies. Then today she went to go pick her up at school and then some other errands. Made us lunch. All this other junk. I think its cute. My mom always laughs at all her jokes and she’s actually into all that stuff that my mom is like doing her nails and makeup and doing hair.

It’s nice that she’s here. The house isn’t as quiet as it used to be. The gaps are filled and now she’s here watching what I’m writing. Good thing that she can’t read english :p

LOL, she said something funny today. There was this roach or something and she started yelling and then was all “COMPADRE TRAIGAME EL ARME”

lmao.

Have I mentioned this before?

That my new stepsister just arrived and that now we’re bonding together all the time and that she’s so funny and cute and raw and I love her.

Yep, I do. :)

I was really scared and nervous cause I didn’t know how she would be or if she would be anything like her sister, BUT SHE’S NOT. She doesn’t even like her half-sister, Lorena. Which is funny cause neither my mom nor I do :p

ANYWAYS, right now she just told all of us that my mom is like her second mom and that I’m like her sister :’)

ISN’T THAT ADORABLE?

Did I mention that she’s funny??? And cute??? I want to take her to the movies on friday…we’ll see!

I'm never certain about many things

But right now, at this very moment, I'm certain about this:

If we were to end soon, out of nowhere, I would be devastated. I've never had anything stable in my life, and I have tried not to let it get to my head that you might not stay here forever, but I have this slight hope, this ounce of naive-ness in me that hopes you might stay here for a while.
I would eventually move on, it would be hard and I would miss you and your family that's become my second family, and I would miss your smell, I would miss the look you always give me. Those light brown eyes that stare right into me, knowing that there's this burning love between us. I would miss the way you always try to get me to slow dance with you, that even though i really want to I stop myself. I would miss how you tell me I'm beautiful and that I'm the only girl for you. I would miss our late night talks about everything and nothing. I would miss you. You. Your patience. I'm difficult, full of contradictions. But in the end, I would be thankful. Thankful I had the chance to meet you and have you a part of my life, even if for just a while.

I know where I want my life headed and I know that it's because of God. I don't know how everything will play out, but I do know that it's going somewhere and that I will help others just as I've been helped in return.

I love my mother. Period. She's so beautiful and inspirational and I couldn't have asked for more. Thank you for never giving up, Mom. Thank you for always fighting things out and wanting to improve yourself. Thank you for your unconditional love. For always being there for me. For trying to be both my mother and father and finding ways to have a better life for ourselves. I wouldn't be here without you and I'm so happy that you've finally found that inner peace that you've always wanted. And its because of God that we're here, together. I love you so much, both of you. The only two stable people in my life, I will always be eternally grateful to you two.

I wasn't gonna, but I feel like I need to or I'm gonna blow up

Before I start, I picked my senior quote! I was going to end up putting "why not?", but I decided not to and went instead with this: "If some people manage to break free of the box, what makes you think I won't?". Sadly though, now I want to go back and add "try" at the end ._.

ANYWAYS,
I feel like shit. All day I've worrying about stupid crap that I shouldn't be worrying about and I hate it. I hate this! I'm only seventeen, I shouldn't be worrying about silly little drama right now.
The thing is that apparently Yessenia thinks I'm mean and probably doesn't like me anymore because of the whole french email thing, according to Anabel. I talked to Casey about it and he told me that Yessenia was all mad at him all the time now and that he asked her why. She said all this stuff and now I'm all wtf. She has him every other day, AND HE'S MY BOYFRIEND! I understand they're friends and "bros over hoes" but we still have equal amounts of time with him. And they still text! More than he does with me!

I don't understand the problem,...and I want to talk to him cause today I told him to go with her and then he didn't have lunch with me and ended up going somewhere else. Why is he being so immature?
-___-

The problem is that I don't want Yessenia to be mad at me, I want him to share equal amounts of time, and I want him to say what's on his mind dammit! We need to discuss how we share our time with each other and ourselves. I get that he wants to be with me, and I wanna be with him too, but I don't want this to happen. I don't want him to forget about this friends, and I don't want the same thing happening to me either.

Ugh. Maybe I was better off single. Maybe everyone was right. I sure as heck would have been done with online school by now...

Today was a great day! :)

I woke up this morning and was feeling kind of “bleh”, but it was mostly because I was tired. Four hour sleep, ftw! We went to Sacred Heart for mass at 8am and then we got home at 9 and started doing some chores. After that I talked to Casey for an hour and my poor baby is incredibly sick :( I wish we could have spend the day together so I could take care of him. I wouldn’t know how to make him feel better, but I could have tried to make him some decent chicken soup, hot lemon tea, and while we cuddled we could have watched some star wars. I miss him and I hope he gets better soon :(

Anyways, Anabel called me and told me that we were going homecoming dress shopping and I was like “fuuuuuhhh”, cause I was planning on doing online school all day –.-

BUT, we went to dolphin and looked around and then I realized that I probably wasn’t gonna find my dress there. Anabel had seen this add in International Mall about this chain store called “Group USA” that had bridal dresses and all these other kind of formal event dresses, and luckily Anabel’s dad didn’t find anything at Dolphin so we went to International. (Btw, I got this cute dress at Forever 21 but it doesn’t look good on me D: and Anabel, Cachi, and I got some cute matching socks :P)

I’ve never had that “falling in love at first sight with something” moment; BUT I HAD IT TODAY. I FOUND THE PERFECT DRESSS. IT’S PERFECT IN EVERY WAY. The color’s a soft pink, “blush” to be exact, and the design and style and everything is exactly what I was looking for. BUT, I felt like my arms looked really nasty and I didn’t buy it. We left to other stores and tried on some other dresses and looked around at Macy’s and we found this black one. It looked really good on me and I liked it, I admit; but it wasn’t the pink one. It wasn’t the perfect dress. I was sooooo disappointed, I just felt like I had something perfect and I couldn’t have it. But why not? Why did I have to settle for the black dress? It was a really nice dress, but it wasn’t the one I wanted. Cachi flipped a coin and I got tails.  All signs were indicating for me to get the black dress, but I didn’t want it. While I was trying it on one more time, the penny fell. I looked down and it was heads face up. Right then and there I knew I had to go find it, that was it. I went back to the store, almost running and really happy. I bought the dress :) And the price was perfect too! $69.99!!! (The black was $149.99) I noticed when I got home that there were some imperfections, but it didn’t matter. I had found the dress for me :) And my arms didn’t even matter anymore to me, it felt okay.

Anabel decided she wanted to go to Homecoming too and that added to my happiness :D We’re thinking about renting a limo and getting 2 other couples so the price would be reasonable for everyone. Maybe Shelby, and a possible date? ;) We’ll see! We went to dinner and there weree some fine ass guys there….HOT DAMN. But I miss my boo <3

AND MY SEEESTERS TOO!!!!! We gots to hang out soon

Pride & prejudice w/ colin firth

Downtown abbey

Boardwalk empire

All I want..

is for this friggin’ printer to work.

to find mah dang senior quote.

to finish friggin’ online school cause its ruining my life.

for Mr. Haney to be forever alone.

 

and all I wanted was for my boyfriend to come over and cuddle :c

IS DAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?!?!

Apparently. Apparently…

Now I’m home alone on a saturday night. I’m just tooooo cool sometimes –.-

I’m not even in the mood to do anything anymore..

I’m the big bad bitch.

I, apparently, sent out a very nasty email last night to the French club members and I am now the big bad bitch.

I decided that I’m no longer sending out emails, it wasn’t even my job to begin with. Whatevs. I called Tammy and told her to take over since she’s secretary and whatnot. SO NO MORE MARIA LASHING OUT AGAISNT NO ONE.

I went to Michaels and bought the jar and ribbon I needed for my gift to Casey. Then I went to Walgreens to buy the candy (m&ms, gummy bears that turned out nasty, lifesaver gummies, and yogurt covered pretzels), and lastly to publix to buy funfetti and brownie mix for Leann’s cupcakes!

I am determined to finish online school, to not continue to waste another minute of my life, to do more productive things, to be a better person, to love more (especially to those that are worthy of it), to forgive, to move on.

My mom just came home from a Mary Kay meeting, and she makes me so proud. She’s so beautiful and smart and she’s always wanting to better herself. No matter what, she’s always out there trying to give it her all, trying to find ways to achieve her life’s purpose. She never gives up, she never loses hope. And when she gets down, she never loses her faith. Imagine that. Not conforming and settling for anything, and yet the world wants to turn against you….but my mom always finds a way to prove everyone wrong. I know she gets moody and temperamental at times, but I wish to be like her. A woman thats always on the go, always learning new things, always appreciating every little thing she has. And she never complains. Never whines about her getting too little or the short end of the stick. I’m no walk in the park, and for her to wanna even feed me I’m surprised.

I love you more than anything in this world, Mom. YOU are my hero and the best thing I have <3

Senior quotes

 

What do I want to be remembered as?

What motivational quote defines me and my future?

I aint even know ._.

"The horizon is out there somewhere, and you just keep chasing it, looking for it, and working for it." Bob Dole

Conformity is the jailer of freedom and the enemy of growth.
- John F. Kennedy

Ya’lll…wuz going on?

Is it break-up season, or is it just me?

I dunno. Some strong lasting relationships have ended and I’m kind of scared.

It’s not because I’m doubtful of my relationship, its just that those that you expect to last for a considerable amount of time have now ended and I’m left here in awe.

I love my baby though so…

“Love don’t pay the bills”

“I would call you up every saturday night and we’d both stay and sing "heeere we gooo agaiiin”

Yesterday, I went to iHop with Ana banana, Shameka, Alyssa, and Roxanne. I had a great time :) S

 

 

And now 1973 has been forever stuck in my heaD.

“awaaaaaaaake my soooooul, awaaaaake my soooouul…”

I found out today, through Steph, that Casey really likes Mumford&Sons…when she told me that I think I cried a little inside :’) I think I fell in love with him even more

Today was an interesting day. Took a quiz in Barnett’s for AP gov and I think I aced it ;) Then in Kott’s class for AP calc we reviewed some things and I thnk I did pretty good on my quiz there too. After class, Shelby and I walked downstairs and then Casey and Sophie were waiting for me already by the main office so we could go do our thang for French club. The treasurer wasn’t there so then we went to Cayo’s class and apparently Cynthia and Tammy are in there :D Kids had already brought in money to pay for their French shirts and then we started discussing French club stuff like the whole T-shirt issue, money, blah blah blah. When we left to go to Blanco to go turn in the money that we had, some girl left his office crying and he made us go look for her –_- he got so pissed when we came back and told him we couldn’t find her. But luckily once we went to go find her again she was by the stairs, still crying, on the phone with her boyfriend and around her friends. Assuming from the weed on top of Blanco’s desk, the girl had been doing some sketchy stuff. Anywhoz,went to Seward’s class and then I asked to go to Mendez to pick up my essay and she told me to go Remmen to ask her about the Gates scholarship and it sounds SO GOOD so I’m definitely applying :D I did some French stuff on the computers in class and then the bell rang so I went to go meet up with Casey by the vending machines because Steph and I were going dress shopping for homecoming! He never got there, and it turns out he was in the officer with Pearson so I went to go look for him and then I saw Ms. Donna there so we started talking and she’s so cute and awesome lol. Casey finished and I said goodbye and we left. After we dropped off Casey and his mom at the car dealer, Steph and I went to Dadeland and the car ride was really nice. It got quiet at times, but I didn’t mind the silence. I had a really good time trying on all those dresses and bonding with my sis-in-law :) Unfortunately we didn’t find anything so then we were on our way to southland. We talked a lot actually and she even told me about her past relationship and all these other things. It twas’ not awkward at all. I really wanted to spend some time with Casey though so I told her I didn’t think we’d have enough time to go to southland so went to his house and we hung out for awhile, but it was too short ._. I miss him already. I miss him too much. I never thought this would happen to me oh mah damn. My mom got to his house pretty fast so I said goodbye to everyone and he dropped me off at the car and I wanted to kiss him goodbye but then steph came out and I feel uncomfortable with people watching me so I got in the car and we left away.

Now I’m home. Excited about this scholarship, a little sad about not spending time with Casey, but overall I’m great. My period came today and I had some pretty bad cramps but they’re gradually going away. I’m going to go finish online school now…yay.

Lend me your hand and we'll conquer them all
But lend me your heart and I'll just let you fall
Lend me your eyes I can change what you see

I seriously need to update this….

I’m downloading the Big Time Rush album as I speak…

I’m da cooliiiest ~

The member of the wedding

I love this movie so much. It’s too good.

I liked it more than I thought I would.

 

‘I think I have a vague idea what you were driving at,’ she said. ‘We all somehow caught. We born this way or that way and we don’t know why. But we caught anyhow. I born Berenice. You born Frankie. John Henry born John Henry. And maybe we wants to widen and bust free. But no matter what we do we still caught. Me is me and you is you and he is he. We each one of us somehow caught all by ourself.’

They are the we of me.

:>

Casey and I were walking towards Seward’s classroom in south campus when he suddenly told me he had to ask me something. I always panic whenever he says that, I never know what he’s gonna ask.

“Will you go to homecoming with me?”

My reaction: “Really? You wanna go to homecoming?”

Lol I’m ridiculous.

But I said yes :3

Later I realized that this probably means I need a budget for the dress, shoes, accessories, and I have to think about my hair…AND DA TICKET.

…yup. 

Aww…

Tia Luz is too cute. She called me and left me a voicemail telling me how much she missed me and wanted to talk to me :>

Love you tooooo :*

They were once enemies

And now they’re the best of friends.

I’m slowly watching as my best friends goes into the arms of someone else. She promised everything would be the same between us, I guess she meant the same as before. So long best friend, so long. I wish I had the effort to keep fighting for our friendship, but I always end up the jealous bitch and I’m tired of it. Too bad you don’t even notice it.

bitchez be trippin’

I got an A on dat test ~

NOT A D.

On a sidenote, Mr. Blanco listens to Jack Johnson. How weird/cool is that?

Lolz.

i feel too emotional today

the weather is perfect enough to watch Elizabethtown

But I can’t. Must..finish..online school.

It’s been awhile and I should update

Let’s start with last weekend, Saturday to be exact.

September 17th : My cousin Leyla from my dad’s side was visiting from Nicaragua and she was only in Miami for a few days. My dad called my mom and asked her if we could meet up because she wanted to see me, it had probably been more than 5 years since the last time we saw each other. That day, things got complicated and my mom and I ended up going to Dolphin mall at around 8ish at night. I was kind of nervous, but a little anxious at the same time, because I hadn’t seen my dad in a long time. He hasn’t called me or anything to make sure I’m alright and whether I need anything. But he’s still my dad and I wanted to see him. He didn’t show up. Ever. He dropped off Leylita with his ex-wife, or whatever this lady is, and he was nowhere to be seen. I was so upset. How can he not show up? Its not like we see each other every weekend or talk on the phone. Its not like we keep in touch, so why did he not show up? Why doesn’t he care? It really hurt me. Another thing that hurt me was that my own boyfriend didn’t even bother to ask how it had gone. A whole day of communicating as if we were strangers, and not a single time did he call me or even ask me how it had gone the night before when he KNEW I had gone to see my dad and he KNOWS how much it would have meant to me. I talked to him about it on Monday at school and Monday night over the phone. We sort of patched things up, that wasn’t the only thing that had been on my mind.

September 20: My one month anniversary :3 We said our “congrats” and said our good nights a few minutes after midnight. I honestly didn’t think it was a big deal since it was our first month, not like it was our first year or something, so I didn’t get him anything. That day I had made myself two sandwiches cause they were so good and I hate being sleepy and hungry in school. When I see Casey walking up to me, he had a box of chocolates and a card in his hand: for me. I was like whaaaa..you shouldn’t have. Really, cause I didn’t. I improvised and was like “aw, well I made you a sandwich…:)” Ooops. After school his mom took us to the movies and we went to see Lion King in 3D and then he wanted me to get a bite to eat but I don’t like wasting his money, he’d already done so much. We ended up going to Starbucks and I got a double chocolately chip and he got a strawberries n cream thing. It was toooo good. Then we played patty-cake and then he took me home and good night kisses :*

My stepdad comes back today. I was supposed to go pick up Yoel at 1 (today’s early release day) and then take us to taco bell and have the 5 dollar box. Then I was supposed to visit my turkeys and pick him up. My bus driver picked us up really late and school, my mom chickened out and didn’t want me to go anymore and that she would pick him up and that means no taco bell for me :(

I hate that she doesn’t trust my driving. I know that she’s worried about the other drivers, BUT WHAT ABOUT ME? A lot of my friends have a car and how come I  can’t be trusted?!

Shows I must start/catch up on

• Being Erica
• Modern Family
• The Office
• New Girl

yup

hmm.

I’m extremely drained right now; emotionally, physically, mentally.

I’ll post later about everything that’s been going on.

onlineschoolonlineschoolonlineschool

Things are never gonna be perfect

I’ve got to accept that. They just never are. Something will always go wrong because conflict is apart of human nature. Right now, I have an exceptional mother, a wonderful boyfriend, an amazing family, incredible best friends (even though I haven’t talked to diana in the longest), great aquantainces and hopefully everything goes well in school <3

My dad’s not here, and that was his choice. But I didn’t make it any better by losing the effort to care. He’s a lost soul and hopefully someday he’ll come to his sense. I’ll always be here waiting for him, waiting for him to realize that he has a daughter, and a son out there, and that he needs to change. Not just for me, but for himself. Wherever it is that you are, I love you dad. I really do. We’ve had our ups and downs and I can’t help but still love you. After all you’re my dad and somewhere deep inside of you is a loving father, I just know it.

I’m so happy!!!!!!

I found my cousin Aury and Mila on facebook :D !!!!!!

Now we communicate and keep in touch and and and…

Maybe I can go to new york before christmas and see my cousins since Mila’s going up there…or after? Who knows but im so friggin’ excited :)

Oops

I realized that I show more affection and love towards my friends than my boyfriend.

.__________.

I’m so sorryyyyyyyyyy

I don’t know whats wrong with me. I love him, I do. My mindset is still on Strong-Single-Independent-Woman status. I don’t forget I’m not single anymore, but I sure as heck need to get it together before mah man starts noticing that I AM neglecting him in a way.

Balancing school + online school + college requirements + family + friends + boyfriend is no joke.

Why do I always put him last? He means so much to me, I need to get it together D:

I love you, and thank you for being so patient <3…so far

I’m so frustrated

And I want to cry. I want to stop everything. I want to go to bed. I want to eat a whole tub of ice cream without regret. I want to cry some more. I want to go to sleep. i want to pretend I don’t have to do anything.

…

I’m gonna go finish online school. ._.

collegecollegecollege

I MUST FOCUS ON SCHOOL.

FINISH DANG ONLINE SCHOOL.

HAUL ASS. HAUL ASS. HAUL ASS.

i feel like a football player…

._.

Is it too much to ask?

All I want is to go to college, get a good career, have a great job, travel the world, read many books, listen to all these genres and amazing talented musicians, eat lots of food, meet interesting people, wear comfortable clothes and shoes, and live a happy life full of self-love and God’s love.

That’s all I want.

Is it so wrong to want to try so many things?

I donated blood today for the first time today! It went great :D I was a little nervous at first and when I saw the needle I started to get nervous, but I didn’t feel a thing and I didn’t feel dizzy or anything. Alyssa almost passed out though, she turned super pale and started feeling nauseous. She was a trooper though :)

I don’t know why I feel the way I do. Sometimes I miss you, sometimes I wish you weren’t here. Sometimes I want to talk to you so badly, sometimes I want to be by myself.

I know we’re just young, but you have a strong feeling about us, more than I do. I wish I believed more in us, more in you.

Exactly. Exactly…

I heard what you said. I’m not the silly romantic you think. I don’t want the heavens or the shooting stars. I don’t want gemstones or gold. I have those things already. I want a steady hand, a kind soul. I want to fall asleep, and wake, knowing my heart is safe.

Shana Abé

I love you. I really do.

I’m a product of two people who have lost all sorts of affection for each other