Breathe. Hold your tongue.

I came home from the gym today and I was already mad. Before I left, my stepsiter was cleaning the bathroom when it was clearly my turn this week. Now, I know that sounds ridiculous, why should I be mad? But the thing is that if the situation were reversed and I would have been the one cleaning it then they would have thrown a hissy fit about how I'm careless and irresponsible.
Anyways, when I came home, my stepdad started talking about how they didn't like almond milk and that they only drink 1%. FUCK YOU. Why? Because before when I wanted to drink 1% or something else he would always says "drink what we have and stop complaining, we ain't rich" yada yada yada.

Something stopped me from saying anything, though. I remembered what someone told me, "Learn how to pick your battles. Sometimes the best thing is to keep your mouth shut. Don't fight for something useless, and when the time comes, fight for something that really matters", more or less something like that. Then, I remembered who it was that had told me that: Mr. Barnett, yesterday at the Fairchild challenge (which I have to update on). Well, he didn't directly say it to me, but subconsciously it stayed. He's right.

I'm just tired

that feeling when you make a milkshake to feel pumped up at the gym and nobody comes to the yard.

sigh.

Great chapters have to end in order for an awesome story that is twice as better to begin.

Good night

I finally know what I have to say. Marketa Irglova helped. She knows exactly how I feel.
I wrote to you in an email everything that's left to say. You're my first love and I can't just end it casually, not with someone as special as you are to me.

"But you never asked me to stay. And if you did, you didn't say."

I don't want to keep living in the past. I have to move on. My mind already has, but my heart is weak and fragile. It's silly and falls easily. But you're moving on and I must too. Every boy that comes along will always be compared to you. I'll never forget you.

It's time to pack my bags, though. The lights are out and I must set foot to my next destination before it gets too dark. But may I stay for the night? One last time? I promise to leave at sunrise, before you awake. No, someone ahead whispers. You must leave now. Any second longer and you'll lose it.

Good night.

Reasons why Canada is great?

They accept Dieticians to work with MSF aka Doctors without Borders!!!!!!!!!

GUESS WHO MOVIN' AND BECOMING A PERMANENT RESIDENT IN CANADA?

mmmmm

Valerie - Amy Winehouse <3

I keep thinking I'm doing better and then BAM something about you pops up and I go back to the same old feeling.

It's over. I know.

AW YEAUH

YOU KNOW SHIT GOING DOWN WHEN THE CHEETAH GIRLS ALBUM IS ON REPLAY

NIGGAH DON'T MESS WIT ME RITE NOW

I finished applying to North Carolina, Tennessee, and South Carolina. I called the USDA office today and they explained a few doubts I had and now all I have to do is wait for my transcripts to be perfect :x

I went to Hialeah with my mom yesterday and my daddy seems to be doing better. I told him to promise me that he would take care of himself; he did. I had a nice time with my sisters and uncle :) Before my mom and I got home, we went to Subway and ordered a wheat sandwich! But my stomach hurt after awhile :<

I hit the gym up this morning for about two hours and I feel GREAT. I'm just hungry now...

I have to do research for the debate competition this saturday, finish scholarship essays and all this other homework and junk D:

OH AND OMG GLEN HANSARD IS COMING IN CONCERT TO FLORIDA (with Eddie Vedder) AND I CAN'T MISS HIM THIS TIME. I CAN'T. I CAN'T. I CAN'T.

He's coming on Sunday, May 13th and I'm so so so so so so so so excited. Mah momma betta hook it up wit dem tickets ~

A nice lady once told me

When things start falling into place, and they feel right, you'll know that's where you're supposed to be.

I hope so, nice lady. I hope so.

Updating

I know it's really late, but I need to update because so much has been going on.

1. I applied to Seton Hall University in New Jersey ._.
2. I just finished applying to the University of Arizona o.o
   
3. I'm on the debate team for the Fairchild Challenge O.O
4. I planned my first field trip with French club and it actually might go through!
5. Escarleth is on crutches :(
   
6. My daddy's been super stressed, a nerve distorted and now his face moved sideways
   

I feel horrible about what happened to my dad. He called me when he was in the hospital and I didn't answer him. I texted him telling him I was at the gym but I never called him back. I really need to prioritize and organize my life, everything's getting out of control.

I need to do better in school, not that I'm doing bad, but I need to stay focused and not lose track of what I want. What is it that I want? To be successful and to love what I do. To be happy. To be surrounded by great company (i.e. family and friends). To love the college I choose. To be happy with myself.

I hope my dad gets better soon.

The outsider

There's always that one person who feels like the outcast, like they don't belong. Usually this is seen in the "popular" clique, where there's that one girl/guy whose trying to fit in but yet he knows he'll never be a part of them because he could never be on the level they are.

Well, I'm kind of in the same situation, except in this case there is no popular clique, but more like the "intellectuals". I'm this group of bright and talent young individuals and I'm sitting here like "uhhhhh e=mc^2 and uhhhhhhh 2+2=4". Especially now that I'm in this debate team and everyone's talking about all of these things and I don't want to let anyone down but yet again here I am "uhhhhhh i have to go see a man..about a dog".

I hate that I've procrastinated so much, that I've left everything right up until the last minute. Where's all the motivation? Where's all my goals? Where's all those things I'd planned for?

Fuck. I'm graduating in less 5 months and I have no money for college.

OH

AND I started my healthier lifestyle today!

wo0o0o0o0o0o0 ~

I'm contemplating starting insanity, and I think I am ._. Wish me luck!

A quick post

I have so much to do right now, and God is tooooooo good to me. This is insane O.O

My mom told me today that Deyanira's husband cheated on her and left with the other lady. WUT DA HELL. I never saw that coming :o Everytime I saw him, though, his eyes seem sad. But how could he do such a thing!
(I hope that my uncle finally opens his eyes and maybe, perhaps in the future, something might work out between the two.... ^.^)

Secondly, my mom also told me that she called Diana's mom and asked her for the real estate person that helped them buy her home. She's considering in moving to Malibu Bay...hmm....
She always does this: starts making plans to move, starts bringing home boxes, I get excited, then she changes her mind and decides she's not ready yet, I get really sad, and then that's it until the next time she decides she wants to start moving.
I'm going to wait until she actually has a place in mind and starts contacting a realtor.

But...it would be sad to move. Not because I'm going to miss my stepdad/stepsister, but because I've made my room my nest. I've fit it to my needs and I can't just leave it behind...

But, with happiness comes sacrifices.

May God shine the path we must take.

Off to do hw!

Go big or go home

I want to stop holding myself back. I want to either give it my all or give nothing. I want to not be scared anymore.

Another goal this year: face my fears.

John Donne and my broken heart

I hate knowing you're there and that I'm here. More than anything I wish to simply hold your hand. To feel your warm skin, to smell that distinct scent of yours.

I want to be in your arms right now. On quiet nights like these, I miss you even more than I can handle.

Casey Jones, after you, I will never, ever be the same. I may like, wish, adore, but love? I cannot.

Closure

My heart was racing and my armpits were sweating badly (I didn't know they could even sweat).
I was in the library, waiting for him to get there. I was freaking out and I was nervous and I didn't know what to think or expect.
A shadow came near me and asked, "Is this seat taken?". It was him.
I looked up, he looked better than ever. Or maybe it was that I missed him too much, but he looked extremely good. We hugged and maybe a little longer than we should have, but we did. His scent was still the same and I missed that smell so much. We sat down and I asked him how he was, something I'd rehearsed for hours the night before and all day today. He said he was fine and then I started sharing with him everything that had been on my mind. I told him that I did feel chemistry, just not an "emotional connection". We never got personal and he changes subjects whenever I say something that matters to me, and ultimately it's not his fault. I don't blame him. Unfortunately we'll just never have that kind of connection. Maybe I gave up on him too fast, because I recently found out (thanks to Diana) that I never fight for something if it seems like its broken. Nobody's perfect and we all have our flaws, so why did I give up? As the old quote goes, "If you let something go and it comes back to you somehow or someway, then it was meant to be."

Either way, religion played a major role in our relationship, and with all of the college issues present, things would have probably ended even worse. Hurt now, or hurt later?

After all our emotions have faded, I hope we manage to save our friendship. He really did brighten up my life. His optimism, his corny jokes, his laugh, his smile, his stare, I'll never forget. He loves me, I know he does. He loves me. He loves me. He loves me. He loves me. And the sad part is? I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him. More than I thought I ever could love a silly boy.

I LOVE YOU, DAMMIT.

Right now what worries me most is his sickness. He's really sick and I want to be there for him so badly even though I know I should probably keep my distance. Sigh. He said he would keep me updated, and I hope he does. I'm going to see him Monday though, I hope.

Talking to him today made me so haaaaaappyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. I can't even explain how happy I was. All the sadness went away. The pain? Gone. I felt....normal. That is until I realized I probably wouldn't get to talk to him anymore. You can't be friends with someone when you have feelings for them, it's not possible. Then came the sadness again.

But I have to move forward. There's so much to do and I can't stop and let the sadness take over. I won't let it. I should be happy I was blessed to meet him and spend almost 7 months of my life with him.

Please, God, let everything be okay. Let this disease cure itself. Please, please, please.

OH AND UH

My mom is meeting the man of her dreams this year, she has too.

God listens. And I know that this year my mom will meet a man that will not only be her best friend, but her companion. A man that deserves her and that loves her with every cell in his body. A man that shows her that the other side of the grass is greener. When my stepdad and my mom finally part both ways, my mom will find that stability and love.

God, please, please, please.

Cheers to a new year!

I have been blessed to reach another year, and not just any year, but a year where many obstacles and challenges are going to be thrown my way. Will I handle them? God only knows, but I hope to do the best that I can.

To be honest, I'm shitting my pants. I have no idea what to expect and the last thing I want to do is disappoint my mom. I don't want my mom to waste any money on my education and I want to be able to achieve everything that I set my mind to. Someday, not too far from now, I will be a Nutritionist and I will help kids establish a healthy relationship with their food. My goal is to help those less fortunate in underprivileged nations and hope that their hygiene and environment one day becomes safe for them to have a somewhat stable home.

With the new year here, which I'm speechless because it took me by surprise, I'm going to start a list and actually go through with it.

Here's some of the things I have in mind so far:

1. Have God in my heart above all and let him lead my life
   
2. Lead a healthy lifestyle (aka eat healthier, workout, etc)
3. Have a stronger relationship with my mom
4. Have a tighter bond with my sisters and family
   
5. Put more value, love and time into my friendships
6. Fight for what matters to me
7. Get as many scholarships as I can
   
8. Focus on school and pass all my AP exams
9. Have a nice, inexpensive trip with my mom
10. Travel to NYC with Ana
    
11. Route 66 with Diana
    
12. Have a great start to my first year in college (ahhhh!!!)
13. Always remember to be myself and keep in mind my goals
14. Stop all of the fighting and hate I have towards those certain individuals
15. Go to Nicaragua at least for a week to visit my family on both sides (especially Mama Aurita)
16. Start baking healthier desserts and maybe start sewing again?
17. More me time (bubble baths! ^.^)

Those are some of the things I plan on reaching this year. More than anything I want to spend time with my grandma's, my mom and reach a whole new level with God.

May this year be the best one so far. May this year bring many love, peace, and happiness to not only my heart and soul, but to my family and those around me.