This isn't about you anymore

I want to thank you.

It hurts to say those words out loud, because what I feel is not gratitude, not in the least bit. I feel pain. I feel the wound. I feel confused.

I am hurt. You lied.

But I am still here. I am still breathing.

Breathing.

So what am I thanking you for?

I am thanking you for opening up wounds I never knew were there.
I want to heal entirely, and now I can.

I am becoming whole. I am becoming one.

But most importantly, I am becoming whole and one through and in Jesus Christ.

Feeling all types of way

It was a world I never knew.

I had no idea.

The art. The passion. The love.

Geez. Why doesn't everyone know? How could I have been so blind?

As I walked in today to Michael's Genuine for the first time, I looked around and saw a packed restaurant. But quickly my focus was elsewhere--the food runners, the bartender, the pastry chef and the chef de cuisine...as I walked in to the kitchen, I looked everywhere trying to soak in as much as I could in five seconds before someone directed me to what I was looking for. In those five seconds, I felt all the passion, desire, ambition, creativity and love from everyone like I'd never imagine feeling. Even now, three hours later, my heart is still racing and I know that this is where I belong. 

I was nervous to start culinary school and worried about what others might think or say; but worse, I put myself down for taking this route, because I saw it as something inferior. I was so wrong. I waned to hand shake all the people involved in executing the meal, the crazies behind the meal. I noticed faces from the website where they mentioned the chefs that were working day and night to make sure everything ran smoothly. I was fan-girling and they were the celebrities. I felt unworthy to be walking and talking to them. Like, I'm nobody why are you smiling at me so much!!!


Today was my first day at Ella's and I can't wait to see where this new beginning takes me. I can't thank God enough for all the love, Jesus Christ I love you so much. Please never let me lose sight of you. And Alina, wow...she really didn't have to offer me this position, and she did.

Here's to feeling all the feels forever.

Supposed to

Timing is everything.

Maybe at a different time, when you were in a different place in your life, where things made sense for the both of us....maybe then it would have been nice to explore the possibilites.

Even now I wonder. I wonder what it would be like to see you smile, for all the light and passion to radiate out of you.  I wonder what it would be like to run my fingers through your hair, to see the sun rays dance in your eyes, to dance with you in the middle of the street.

Life has taken me on a crazy ride, it could have gone in so many different and yet...here I am.

Nervous, excited, anxious, overwhelmed, joyful, wholeheartedly going for what my heart longs.

You seemed so scared to give all of yourself away, nervous at opening up to those around you. You've been hurt, by those you trusted, by those you don't understand. All your life, trying to find your place in this world, never fully knowing where you were going or what was happening. And you've made it this far. Still lost, still searching, still hoping to be proven wrong.

I hope you let the light invade your dark spaces, I hope you still haven't lost all hope.

If timing is everything, why now?

J5

He said it had been February 2nd.
He remembered the date..the exact time...the shadows on his wall..the light creaking in from the one window blind that never stayed in place.

He was in bed. He was on his side, the left side, wondering if this was it. He was wondering if to feel excited or nervous or scared, because he felt all of them.

The sheets were a navy blue, red and white stripes...still warm from a whole full 7 hour sleep.

He was going for it, he told himself. He couldn't believe it. He and his grandmother cried. This was the moment, this was his moment. No more taking chances. No more wasting time. No more being scared. This was it.

This was the moment everything was leading up to.

He was ready.

Maybe

The question that lingers my mind now is...would I crave for something that I never knew I could have? Would my heart be homesick for you if I didn't know I could have you?

I see blissful couples traveling, Facebook posts of newly formed marriages, Instagram pictures of babies and puppies cuddling, and then encountered with couples being all lovey dovey in public...

Would I want all of that if I didn't know it was there? Would I feel like I was missing out on something?

I see all of that and I think "I want that". I want those moments, I want that kind of joy, I want to share that with someone...but do I really? Do I really want someone by my side? Do I really want a partner that inspires me and encourages me whenever I'm at my weakest? As the sun goes up that morning, do I want there to be someone beside me, going against all odds with me, starting our day together?

I got to the point where I realized I didn't want to be alone anymore. I told myself that this was it, no more days of fighting alone that I would soon come across my partner in crime, and that we would be a team, together, pushing through all and any obstacles.

But maybe I've been listening to too many love songs, maybe the media has brainwashed me into believing that I WANT someone when in reality my heart wants nothing more than love, not necessarily in a romantic way, but raw love from strangers, friends, family and God..

Maybe I want those pictures, those memories and those hands to hold because I want what everyone has and not for the right reasons.

Maybe I was in love with the idea of what was presented to me, what I believed would get me that amount of happiness.

I've always been jealous of all the connections and love I saw being shared among couples, I wanted that someday. But maybe it was just my human nature to want what I didn't have.

Maybe...

Go on

I see you slowly swim away 

Cause the light is leaving town

To a place that I can't be

There's no apologies

Just go on

Just go on

There're still so many things I wanna to say to you

But go on

Just go on

2 is the lucky number. Only 2 months. 

You came in unexpectedly. But it wasn't too difficult to walk back out, see you forgot to close the door on your way in. Your mind was always elsewhere, your eyes always looking back to the open door. You weren't ready for someone like me. 

And what is someone like me? I love from the moment we say hello. Possibly a reckless thing to do, but I always try to give my heart out whole. Maybe it's a bad habit, maybe I should stop. Someone told me to give my heart out after marriage...but that's no way to live. Then again, having a heart full of scars may be no way to live either. So where do we mark our boundary lines? Where should we stop ourselves from loving too much? Where should we stop ourselves from exposing our rawest selves? 

I don't want to stop myself from anything. I want to give. And if giving myself out whole means a little scar on my heart then I'll take it; scars heal and broken hearts are mended. It hurts a little right now to know we weren't on the same page, to know that you couldn't see who I really was, but I won't take it personally. You saved me from a lot of trouble. So thank you. If this little heartache means that you won't play with other hearts then I'll take it. 

What did I learn this time? Love myself and accept myself for who I am and what I stand for. If someone doesn't appreciate me or values the space that I made for them in my heart then it's best to walk away. I hope you find yourself and figure out what you really want. I wish you well. Bon voyage. 

There're still so many things I wanna to say to you 

But go on.....Just go on

Thank you

Thank you for loving me when I couldn't love myself.
Thank you for loving me when I couldn't see why someone was able to love me.
Thank you for listening to all my stories and absurd thoughts.
Thank you for giving me the best of you.
Thank you for trying to understand me even when I couldn't understand myself.
Thank you for all the jokes and cheesy pickup lines we shared.
Thank you for wanting to show me the world.
Thank you for letting me a part of YOUR world.
Thank you for showing me love in its rawest form.
Thank you for fighting for us.

Thank you...for letting me be.

We weren't meant for each other and probably not even meant to date, but we were young and had so much love to give.

Thank you for being the first. Thank you for giving me your heart. Thank you for taking mine.

I'm not going to fight it anymore, you're staying here forever.

Summer's still here and the season is changing

I watched the Son of God with the Napoles yesterday. The movie wasn't about Jesus specifically, it was about the apostles, it was about us. Something in me clicked. I don't know what it was or what it is, but something changed. Something is different.

What is this change occurring within me? I have no idea. It scares me to not know what's going on.

And you, Juan? FUCK you. Your needyness to be loved, appreciated and understood by women because of your mommy issues is not going to fly by me anymore. You got hit by a car, yes. You have abandonement issues, yes. But I will NOT excuse you anymore. You make your choices and I don't deal with bullshit. Das not mah me. So yeah, FUCK YOU. But I still love you, in the most sisterly way possible. No more bullshit though.

God chose us, He chose me. I'm a sinner and He loves me. I have to accept myself as I am, accept that I'm never going to be perfect. Accept that I have flaws, but that He sees past that. I don't want to fail you anymore. I know I'm going to, but I want to put my best effort to love You more and more each day.

Things are happening that have never happened before.