With 2013 coming to an end, I've been trying to decide whether this was a good or bad year.
But..
Good or bad aren't the right words in trying to describe this year. This year was...wow...a roller coaster of emotions, a lot of spiritual growing (more like spiritual STUNT growth), growing up and maturing as a person...it was a year of complete change. The year started out by moving out from my first stable home of 8 years to an apartment with just my mom and I. I thought it would be much simpler and easier than it sounded, but eventually it took a toll on my emotionally and I was not expecting that.
Moving away from my psychotic stepdad who verbally abused my mother and I was definitely the right thing to do, but I left behind memories and my comfort. Moving into the unknown has always been (and still is) something I don't like and always fear. Not knowing where I'm stepping on or what's happening terrifies me the most. I don't like surprises, I like knowing what's going to happen. I like being in control.
Control is also one of the biggest challenges that I've dealt with this year. Trying to let go and let God is still my biggest struggle.Giving myself wholeheartedly to him is a struggle and I still don't know how to fully let go of all the things I'm holding on to. I realized this week that the reason why I still haven't fully matured and grown up to who I'm supposed to be is because I'm still living in the past. I'm still holding on to all those things I wanted to do but never did, to that one regret I haven't forgiven myself for, to the love I never got as a child... I don't want to hold on to that anymore. I want to be free and full of God's love, that's it. But it's easier said than done.
More than anything, this year was a lot about discovering who I am and accepting myself. Acccepting my curves, my flaws, my skills and the fact that yes I am overweight, but I'm no longer going to wait til I'm at my desired goal weight to be happy and love myself. NO. I am going to be happy with my body NOW. I won't fight against it anymore, I want to work with it and love every inch of skin and bump. But of course, I want to be healthier and more in shape, just not the way that I've been doing it for so long.
Throughout the year I was still working at Panera Bread and I had a lot of crushes and likes at my job and at school and wherever I went. Wherever I went, whichever boy/guy/man looked in my direction I would always wonder "is it you? is that him? could this be the one?". But now...I don't even notice them. I've grown old of the game. No one really stands out to me, and when I think they do they aren't what I imagined. I wonder where you are, when I'll meet you, or if I've already met you, what you look like, all the adventures and trouble we'll get into...and as much as I really want all of that to happen right now, to meet you in the most unexpecting of ways, I also know that I'm not ready for you, or us, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm taking so long in getting myself together. There are still parts of me that I'm still exploring, parts of this world that are still unknown to me, and I want to explore these foreign parts with you, but I'm afraid I'm still weak in every way possible. I just want you to know that I love you with all my heart and that I want to go home already, that I'm homesick and that I miss you in more ways that I can ever describe...I'll be with you soon. While you wait for me, think of how beautiful the trees and birds and sky are...how their love is so infinite and so grand...neverending and selfish...think of how much God loves us and that he knows whats best for us. Think of His never-ending love.
I'm trying really hard to get it together, but I'm not. I'm not reaching my full potential in anything that I do: in school, church, extracurricular activities, family, my mom or even myself.
I faught with Diana, reunited with her once more, gained 20 pounds, went to Tennessee and met AMAZING people, quit CCD, started walking in the Neocatecumenado Way, met tia Maria Teresa aka one of the new loves of my life, went to Ocala with Amy and Armando, met TONS of new people at school and through YES club events, went Vegetarian from May to November (but no more labels), went to Gainsville and visited UF, decided on sticking with UNF, reunited with my Dad,...and now here I am, pet-sitting a dog named Lucy and still feeling antsy. I could have done so much more and put so much more effort in everything I did.
I don't want to continue saying I want to do something and not do them. I don't want to make anymore promises and then disappointing others. I don't want to keep disappointing myself. I can do so much more.
This year...
2014 be good to me. This year was so overwhelming and incredible and terrifying and one of the biggest years of self-awakening...but 2014, let's put all these plans to action, let's really put my heart and mind to everything that I do and to everyone that's around me. Let's not waste a second on being prideful and full of immaturity. Let's focus on living life, loving myself and serving others. Most of all: let's focus on living life for God, loving myself for God and serving others for God. Let all the praise and riches go to our Holy Father.
2013 you freaking tore me up, so 2014 do me a favor and help me get all the pieces right this time.
God, I know you're out there, please help me. I can't do this without you.
I love you, Dad.
