I don't know why I sound so sure of myself.
I don't understand how in the world I could be giving advice to anyone right now when I'm feeling completely different.
Fuck my emotions.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
A new era
Christmas is coming! Christmas is coming!
I feel like I should be more excited, but I'm not. I need to get in the holiday spirit but I don't know how.
With new years right around the corner I haven't even thought about a new years resolution. BUT...change is happening. Right now.
Yesterday I had an appointment with a trainer at the gym (Yes,I'm starting to work out again). He gave me a 20 session workout plan that includes going to the gym 5 times a week to work on my arms, core, and legs. If I eat healthier and stick to the plan, in one month I should see results. Honestly, I don't care about my weight anymore. It does suck to step on a scale and see the high three digit number, but I'm not so worried about it anymore. I'm doing this because a) my mom was being a pain about working out and I'm fulfilling her request, b) I want to be healthier like I once was, and c) I just want to look and feel good. Nothing wrong with that, right? Well, change is inevitably occurring everywhere I turn. Good thing I love change! I am a little scared about the future, especially me being the kind of person that likes to know every step of the way, but I'm willing to be open minded and try out this new method. It's called "live the present".
I'm not going to be stuck on what if's, even though I'm still sad, and I'm not going to worry about tomorrow. TODAY I am glad to be where I am and I accept any challenge.
(Wow...I just read that a loud and I want to punch myself for being so optimistic.)
Anywho, I've got work to do. I salute the new era!
I feel like I should be more excited, but I'm not. I need to get in the holiday spirit but I don't know how.
With new years right around the corner I haven't even thought about a new years resolution. BUT...change is happening. Right now.
Yesterday I had an appointment with a trainer at the gym (Yes,I'm starting to work out again). He gave me a 20 session workout plan that includes going to the gym 5 times a week to work on my arms, core, and legs. If I eat healthier and stick to the plan, in one month I should see results. Honestly, I don't care about my weight anymore. It does suck to step on a scale and see the high three digit number, but I'm not so worried about it anymore. I'm doing this because a) my mom was being a pain about working out and I'm fulfilling her request, b) I want to be healthier like I once was, and c) I just want to look and feel good. Nothing wrong with that, right? Well, change is inevitably occurring everywhere I turn. Good thing I love change! I am a little scared about the future, especially me being the kind of person that likes to know every step of the way, but I'm willing to be open minded and try out this new method. It's called "live the present".
I'm not going to be stuck on what if's, even though I'm still sad, and I'm not going to worry about tomorrow. TODAY I am glad to be where I am and I accept any challenge.
(Wow...I just read that a loud and I want to punch myself for being so optimistic.)
Anywho, I've got work to do. I salute the new era!
Monday, December 19, 2011
I started watching Being Erica again right from where I left off: Season 3. This season is about all the changes she goes through and episode 2 was about Erica breaking up with Ethan. Three weeks after her breakup, she still felt bad about it all and wanted to avoid the pain. Claire, the girl that married Ethan a long time ago, avoided the pain. She kept delaying it until she couldn't anymore and it ended in a nasty divorce. As much as she wanted it to work, it didn't. The lesson of the episode was that breakups are never easy, especially when you're not only losing a lover but also a friend. It's going to hurt, it's going to be painful, but in the end what you did is where you want to be. I can't go back on my decision, because as much as I want us to be meant for each other its not going to happen. I can want us to be friends, but thats not going to happen anytime soon. All I can do is nothing. I'm not going to avoid the pain anymore, I'm not going to set a time limit for when I can stop being sad because that isn't how things work. I'm going to stay here and move on until time eventually takes the pain away.
Thank you, Erica, for being there for me.
Thank you, Erica, for being there for me.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
It's almost 1 am and I miss you.
I miss the sound of your voice.
I miss our talks.
I miss the bond that we had.
I just finished watching "Sex and the City, the movie" and I didn't cry.
I ALWAYS cry when sappy love scenes come on and everyone's happy, or sad.
This time, I just sat there, looking at the screen. No emotion.
My eyes got watery, but no tears escaped.
Why?
You didn't fight for me though. You didn't try to change my mind.
Just like Samantha said, it's a risk I'll have to take. Moving on.
When someone goes into a relationship, they of course wish that it would last forever. You don't go into a relationship hoping that it wouldn't last because then that would be a booty call or something else.
Of course I'm sad. I spent months trying to build my relationship. I spent months hoping that it would last. But it didn't. Here we are, both a part.
He's been in the hospital since Tuesday and I wish I could be there for him, but I can't. There's too much history, too much pain, too much love. I did love him, I did want it to work out, more than anything. I started thinking that maybe it was my past that prevented me from being completely happy, but that wasn't it. We're just not meant for each and I can't say anything else more than it sucks.
All the plans, dreams, life together is out. We're both young and maybe got to carried away, but it was an experience I will never forget.
Now is the time that I get back to focusing on my family, my life, my future, me.
Cheers to the new era. May I be single for a long, long, long time.
I miss the sound of your voice.
I miss our talks.
I miss the bond that we had.
I just finished watching "Sex and the City, the movie" and I didn't cry.
I ALWAYS cry when sappy love scenes come on and everyone's happy, or sad.
This time, I just sat there, looking at the screen. No emotion.
My eyes got watery, but no tears escaped.
Why?
You didn't fight for me though. You didn't try to change my mind.
Just like Samantha said, it's a risk I'll have to take. Moving on.
When someone goes into a relationship, they of course wish that it would last forever. You don't go into a relationship hoping that it wouldn't last because then that would be a booty call or something else.
Of course I'm sad. I spent months trying to build my relationship. I spent months hoping that it would last. But it didn't. Here we are, both a part.
He's been in the hospital since Tuesday and I wish I could be there for him, but I can't. There's too much history, too much pain, too much love. I did love him, I did want it to work out, more than anything. I started thinking that maybe it was my past that prevented me from being completely happy, but that wasn't it. We're just not meant for each and I can't say anything else more than it sucks.
All the plans, dreams, life together is out. We're both young and maybe got to carried away, but it was an experience I will never forget.
Now is the time that I get back to focusing on my family, my life, my future, me.
Cheers to the new era. May I be single for a long, long, long time.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Relationships
On April 28th, 2011 I posted the following:
Be careful what you wish for because my journey went around its full circle and came to an end today. I asked a question and it was answered. What is it that makes two people want to be together? It's this never-ending desire to find that person that completes you. I know that sounds ridiculous since we're all born whole, but there's this part of us that longs for another individual to come along and change the ballgame. The longing for someone to step into our world and be able to comprehend one another in a level never imaginable. The warmth of another human being penetrating you, the touch of someone else's skin on yours, the eyes that search yours for a deeper connection, the hand that traces the puzzles of your hand, the feeling that there's someone out there dying to see a glimpse of your face one last time before the night ends.
Casey and I are no longer together. I don't know if I made a mistake, I don't know what's going to happen now that it's over, but it's over. I didn't want to do it; I was scared...confused. I wish and I badly want to be that person he belongs with, to be the girl he needs. I wish he was the boy I was destined to be with, and I wish things were differently.
I never thought the day would come where the us that we once were would be blown by the wind. Slowly I saw your eyes, looking for a hint of desperation or a sign of pain. I saw a child being told Santa wasn't coming this year. But you also didn't fight for me. You sat there, in silence as I unfolded our future. You let me go. You said that I'd made up my mind and it looked like I couldn't be swayed easily. But did you try? No. I'm not that girl, I won't ever be the girl that you'll love with all of you.
I won't ever regret meeting you. You unlocked some things I never knew I had in me, like the possibility of finding someone to even understand an inch of me. Or the fact that I even found someone to love me and not use me for sex.
His sister deleted me on facebook and it hurts. I didn't think his family would delete me from their lives so easily. I knew they weren't going to be accepting and throw me a party, but to take me out in a matter of seconds? I wasn't expecting it.
My intentions were never to hurt him. I just didn't want to let this go on further when it would hurt even more later on. Our goals, our plans are too different and so are many other factors that would complicate things even more. Hurt now, with a dose of pain? or hurt later with massive withdrawal symptoms?
I hate knowing and accepting that I'll never be a part of your life again, that our story is over. That everything we shared is gone...that it's now a closed book to be put away on a shelf, ready to collect dust. I hate realizing that what we once had we will never have again. The bond, trust, respect, maybe, that we once shared is now gone. It's gone. Our story is over. That, is something I won't be able to accept so easily.
I wish I was yours forever. I wish you were mine and no one else's. But I can't be selfish. I can't.
God, please help me. Please help me move on... I know this won't be easy, I just didn't think it would be this hard.
Casey, if you ever read this, and maybe you won't, but I do love you. I wish that we were meant for each other, and maybe someday we will. It's hard for me right now, trying to move on, trying to find a balance, and I can't. Every thought of you, or your family and the life we once shared makes me upset, makes me cry, and now seems like lifetimes ago. Don't forget about me, please. Because I sure won't.
P.S. I finally cleaned my bookbag just like you asked me.
"I’ve always wondered and I’m still curious to know what is it that makes
two people decide that they like each other and they want to start a
relationship. Is it this indescribable energy that flows as soon as you’re with
that person, or this longing to be with anyone that you pick the one guy that
seems to be interested in you? People always say that when the time comes,
you’ll know who that one person is. But…relationships aren’t the same for
everyone. Some people want to feel that burning passionate love, and others want
to be held at night; some both. How do you distinguish one from the other? When
the time does come, how do you know you wanna be with that person not because
you wanna be held, but because you feel that energy, that connection? Do you
feel it as soon as you meet this person, or does it gradually grow?
Fairytales and the media have taken charge on this issue. Disney movies
have portrayed this certain image on how love really is (and Nicholas Sparks).
Is it really love at first sight? High school sweethearts that get married after
high school and have the two kids, dog and white picket fence? Or that fateful
moment that you bump into that person, your eyes meet and you suddenly realize
thats the person you wanna spend the rest of your life with?
When a boy comes along, how do you know you’re making the right choice?"
Be careful what you wish for because my journey went around its full circle and came to an end today. I asked a question and it was answered. What is it that makes two people want to be together? It's this never-ending desire to find that person that completes you. I know that sounds ridiculous since we're all born whole, but there's this part of us that longs for another individual to come along and change the ballgame. The longing for someone to step into our world and be able to comprehend one another in a level never imaginable. The warmth of another human being penetrating you, the touch of someone else's skin on yours, the eyes that search yours for a deeper connection, the hand that traces the puzzles of your hand, the feeling that there's someone out there dying to see a glimpse of your face one last time before the night ends.
Casey and I are no longer together. I don't know if I made a mistake, I don't know what's going to happen now that it's over, but it's over. I didn't want to do it; I was scared...confused. I wish and I badly want to be that person he belongs with, to be the girl he needs. I wish he was the boy I was destined to be with, and I wish things were differently.
I never thought the day would come where the us that we once were would be blown by the wind. Slowly I saw your eyes, looking for a hint of desperation or a sign of pain. I saw a child being told Santa wasn't coming this year. But you also didn't fight for me. You sat there, in silence as I unfolded our future. You let me go. You said that I'd made up my mind and it looked like I couldn't be swayed easily. But did you try? No. I'm not that girl, I won't ever be the girl that you'll love with all of you.
I won't ever regret meeting you. You unlocked some things I never knew I had in me, like the possibility of finding someone to even understand an inch of me. Or the fact that I even found someone to love me and not use me for sex.
His sister deleted me on facebook and it hurts. I didn't think his family would delete me from their lives so easily. I knew they weren't going to be accepting and throw me a party, but to take me out in a matter of seconds? I wasn't expecting it.
My intentions were never to hurt him. I just didn't want to let this go on further when it would hurt even more later on. Our goals, our plans are too different and so are many other factors that would complicate things even more. Hurt now, with a dose of pain? or hurt later with massive withdrawal symptoms?
I hate knowing and accepting that I'll never be a part of your life again, that our story is over. That everything we shared is gone...that it's now a closed book to be put away on a shelf, ready to collect dust. I hate realizing that what we once had we will never have again. The bond, trust, respect, maybe, that we once shared is now gone. It's gone. Our story is over. That, is something I won't be able to accept so easily.
I wish I was yours forever. I wish you were mine and no one else's. But I can't be selfish. I can't.
God, please help me. Please help me move on... I know this won't be easy, I just didn't think it would be this hard.
Casey, if you ever read this, and maybe you won't, but I do love you. I wish that we were meant for each other, and maybe someday we will. It's hard for me right now, trying to move on, trying to find a balance, and I can't. Every thought of you, or your family and the life we once shared makes me upset, makes me cry, and now seems like lifetimes ago. Don't forget about me, please. Because I sure won't.
P.S. I finally cleaned my bookbag just like you asked me.
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