Him

What do I like about you? Anabel once asked me what made you stand out from the rest, and I keep thinking about it. What makes you so special? You're smart and funny, but I have friends that fit under that description and I'm not dating them

Maybe it's the way you look at me, as if there's no one else in the room. The way you say my name. How you can always seem to make me feel better. How one conversation with you can make me forget everything. Our silly fights about nothing. That you listen to everything I say and don't complain that I talk too much. That you give me the space that I need and aren't too clingy. The way you say you love my beautiful smile and that's all you want to see.

If only you weren't so dependent of your mother. If only you made your own decisions and didn't have to ask mommy for everything.

Haven't posted in awhile...

I've been back on tumblr lately, but to rant/post about unimportant things of my life, of course.

Sunday June 26th

• went to the beach with my best friend and family for my Grandma's au revoir party. There was a boundary line separating the nude beach from the public eye...lol I still thought it was funny.
  
• Diana stayed at my house for awhile and we talked while the rain whistled softly against my window
  
• I got the courage to talk to Casey; I didn't want to but I was about to move on and I didn't wanna move thinking "what if i had said something". He apologized for not saying anything and then we talked for about four hours
  

Monday June 27

• Casey had suggested a movie night the day before and he couldn't come to my house cause his parents didn't let him go to someone's house if they didn't know the parents
• My mom didn't feel comfortable with the fact that I would be in his house when she didn't know anyone
• He wanted for my parents and his family to have dinner together, UH NO.
  
• My mom and his mom talked on the phone and she basically implied my mom was an irresponsible mother and I was some desperate girl for taking innitiative. His mom also said he didn't want his son to get distracted and that she didn't want us to be more than friends; nothing formal, nothing serious. Yay \m/
• I told him we should just stay friends but he said I was misunderstanding everything and that I was worth fighting for and that he wasn't gonna give up so easily
• Found two awesome dresses at Macy's for $9.99 each, WASSUP. Got a cute necklace for $1.99. HOLLA
• Diana came over again and I'm so glad she did cause I was down in the dumps.
• Sex and the city + best friend + cloudy day/rain = luckiest girl <3

Tuesday June 28th

• Senior pictures :D The photographer Manny was so fiiiiiiine, but Michael has my heart <3
• Picked up yoel at summer camp and took him to his baseball game, he's the youngest and best on the team :')
• Ate some strawberry italian ice cream, cheddar cheese soup and macncheese from tia Luz's house
• PRETTY LITTLE LIARS
• Almost went to the movies to watch the Transformers premiere but tia Luz said it was too dangerous

Wednesday June 29th

• The rain woke me up :')
  
• made some double cheese, egg and bacon biscuits
• attempted online school, but bought my school books instead and window shopped online a little
• Grandma might go to D.C. and I might go with her :D
• Came back to Tia Maritza's house, and she got a new comforter and its soooo good to me :>
• great talks with my aunt while cooking with her
• going the distance + casey on the phone
  

mmmm

I made some double cheese and bacon biscuits.

Now I’m really tired and lazy and feel all sluggish and online school gets the boot.

I need to work on my priorities >.<

My uncle J.P

My uncle Miguel wants us al to hang out tomorrow with my grandma and my uncle J.P  suggested this place. I’ve been asking everyone and no one knows what “this place” is –_- My aunt finally texted me though, and its this normal regular beach. But for my uncle J.P. to recommend this place, that means its REALLY good.

I searched it up lol…it’s a nude beach.

Should I tell everyone now, or should I wait to see their faces?

Ah what the heck, I’ll just wait to see their reaction. It’s their fault anyways, why would they trust him in picking the place?

Lololololol

Nevermind I couldn’t hold it in and told my aunt.

:')

Rain + Lord of the rings = BEST AFTERNOON THIS WEEK

yesyesyesyesyyesyesyes

http://theswhlnkristabel.tumblr.com/post/6747364661/dearestmaryze-kelvinween-harry-potter

Recipes I MUST try as soon as I get back home!

http://www.keepitsweetblog.com/chocolate-chip-cookie-dough-ice-cream-bars/
http://www.asweetpeachef.com/chicken/chicken-parmesan/
http://www.runningwithtweezers.com/food-styling-sandwich/
http://www.overthehillandonaroll.com/2011/06/gruyere-grilled-cheese-with-prosciutto.html
http://tastejunction.blogspot.com/2011/06/go-green-spinach-spaghetti.html
http://www.the-baker-chick.com/2011/06/caramel-filled-snickerdoodles.html
http://www.singforyoursupperblog.com/2011/06/21/oreo-stuffed-brownies/
http://somekitchenstories.com/2011/06/20/chocolate-mug-of-sadness/
http://somekitchenstories.com/2011/06/10/holy-crap-smore-cookies/
http://blogchef.net/mashed-potato-bowl-recipe/
http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/2YACg2/mingmakescupcakes.yolasite.com
http://chocolatecoveredkatie.com/2011/04/27/worlds-healthiest-chocolate-chip-cookies/
http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/1KZmIS/www.flickr.com/photos/bettycrockerrecipes/4595758178
http://passthesushi.com/celebrate-fathers-day-boston-cream-pie
http://www.browneyedbaker.com/2011/06/16/creamy-macaroni-salad-recipe/
http://www.howsweeteats.com/2011/06/no-bake-smores-bars/
http://www.girlcooksworld.com/2011/06/peach-melba-parfait.html
http://www.52kitchenadventures.com/2011/06/15/smores-cupcake-ice-cream-sandwiches/
http://www.kevinandamanda.com/recipes/dinner/cheeseburger-macaroni.html
http://www.melskitchencafe.com/2011/06/smoked-turkey-club-panini.html
http://mamagrubbsgrub.blogspot.com/2011/06/skywalker-smoothie.html
http://mamagrubbsgrub.blogspot.com/2011/06/banana-peanut-butter-smoothie.html
http://www.bluebonnetsandbrownies.com/2011/06/16/savory-tomato-pie-recipe/

I'm speechless

One simple dream and my aunt hit all the bad habits I have.

I took a small nap cause I was feeling sad and a little down and I dreamt that I was sleeping and that my aunt had come home from work and made some food and rice and she told me to check on it because she was gonna go to sleep. I overslept and I quickly ran to the kitchen to see that everything was already made and that the rice was gone so I went to her room and she was extremely upset. She said that she was so upset and disappointed that I ruined dinner and didn't help her at all and of course I was upset and then I woke up and I was so worried but I realized that it was just a dream.
I told my aunt the dream and she immediately told me I had insecurities. I was like "uh, yeah,...but what about specifically?". And thats when she told me everything.

She started talking about how I should believe more in myself, one of the keys to happiness. That I can do anything that I set my mind to. She said I set high expectations for things and then I push myself towards the goal and when I don't make it I blame it all on myself and get depressed (which is soo true, cna testing along with everything else thats ever happened to me). If others can do something, why can't I? I can do anything, I'm not stupid and just because a door closed on me, theres other doors available. There always are. I don't depend on anyone to make me happy (which is me getting depressed and going to sleep had everything to do with it). She used this comparison: I have a phone and I use it and its good to have, but I don't need it. If it breaks or I lose it, oh well. It was good to have but I can get another one. A boy doesn't like me, oh well, I'm gonna find one who does. And in regards to Luisito not paying attention to me, that's not my problem, that's his. I'm just here to do my job and the best I can and whatever he does or doesn't do is his problem. I did the best I could and I should be proud of that.

She told me this story about a set of twins and her mom. One twin was pessimistic and the other optimistic. The pessimistic would cry whenever the sun would go to sleep or when a bird would come by because he was afraid that it would bite him. While the optimistic was always happy and jumping around and high on life. The twins' birthday was coming up and the mom was debating on what to give them for their birthday. She decided she was gonna give the pessimistic one a horse and the optimistic one the horses shit. She thought that by giving him the horse it would improve his negativity and so she went to go check on him. When she went into his room he was crying and she asked her son why he was so upset. He said he couldn't believe that was his horse, that it just couldn't be his. The mother reassured him that it was. But he still couldn't believe it, and he couldn't accept it. She felt like a failure at that point and went to go check on her other son. When she opened the door, he was jumping around and dancing and throwing the crap in the air and was so happy. She asked him why he was playing around in that. The little boy told her that there was horse crap in his room and that meant that there had to be a horse somewhere waiting for him.

I can do anything. I'm pretty, I'm not stupid and I'm not dumb. I should never compare to anyone else because I am my own person. It's not the outside that matters, so what I'm not thin or I don't have big enough boobs or other people look better, its the inside that matters in the end.

I am worthy and I am good enough for anything and anyone. I don't have to be pleading around to be loved, people have to be looking up at me. My aunt said this, I was born here in the United States and I am a united states citizen that's almost done with high school and after high school I'm gonna study my brains out and work so hard and I'm gonna be done with school in five years. I'll be a great professional and I'll have my own job and I'll travel with the person I chose to be with. And the rest, whatever.

So what Lindsay Lockwood and other girls have high gpa's, who says I can't get into a good college? I can do anything and I will do it. Maybe I don't have a high gpa, but thats not the only things that colleges look at. I have so much to offer and I will show the world

Casey doesn't determine my happiness, but his company is appreciated. I will stop thinking its too good to be true and actually enjoy the moment. I will stop setting high expectations on myself and others and just do the best that I can and the best I can be.

I will believe in myself because I'm great, I'm beautiful and when I smile I look even better.

This is a long journey but I'm ready, I'm so ready to make this change and help myself get through all these uncertainties.

:')

http://passportandsuitcase.tumblr.com/post/6774122151/tia-maritza-is-sooooo-great-i-wish-i-could-have

Monday, June 20th 2011

• Luisito came into my room, turned off the air and woke me up at 10am...oops I overslept ._.
• Made the boys pancakes, banana shake and cut up some fruits
• watched spongebob while we ate breakfast
• watched the middle/ending of 500 days of summer
  
• Luisito got a headache and I was feeling hangover oddly so I decided we all go take a nap
• the nap didn't work out but I was resting so it was all good, and a little bit after it started raining :3
• lunch: chicken, rice, beans, broccoli
• watched how to train a dragon, fell asleep and then someone was banging on the door: it was Escarleth dropping off my grandma
• According to my grandma, I hurt her feelings all because I said "its weird that now people start caring that I'm all by myself when I'm old and used to it" and she got "offended" and she doesn't even wanna talk to me because according to her I don't want her here
• picked mangos from the garden with my tia Maritza
• sorta watched the time travelers wife, but i didn't wanna get into it cause I would for sure start crying
• onlineschoolonlineschoolonlineschoolonlineschool
  

finally talked to my cookie

but then my aunt came and gave us life lessons and then everyone else came along and then maria luisa had to go study so we didn't talk as much as I wanted to :/

rub a dub dub time!

I left my flip flops at diana's house so I brought my water shoes to take a shower \m/
Word.

Sunday, June 19th 2011

• woke up at around 9:30 and got ready for church with diana
  
• talking to Josue is really unnecessary, glad he's out of my life
• diana dropped me off at my house after church
• quality time with my momma :)
• Tia Luz's barbecue and I got to go into her new pool!
• visited Diana for the last time this week at subways and bought three cookies, and she gave me two extra :>i love her so much it hurts <3
  
• went back home, changed and then Luis and tia Maritza came to pick me up.
• here...now....a whole dang week....yuup. I wish someone would call me or get skype or msn messenger or something...
• :(
• after i took a shower i all of a sudden had the urge to talk to someone, more specifically casey. It was one of those nights where you feel all lonely, not saying I can't make myself happy, and it would be really nice to talk to someone else, not a friend but someone more than that, ya know?
• we talked from about 12:30 til 3:30am. It was great ^.^
  

Saturday, June 18th 2011

• woke up at around 10 and watched the ending of Princess Diaries 2, a little of The Prince and Me, but really ended up watching Because I said So
• Laundry, cleaning my room, packing for the sleepover at Diana's and my aunts house
• bubble bath and did all mah lady things
• got dressed and ready to go to diana's
• ate lasagna, chicken, mashed potatoes, salad, and dessert at Diana's birthday dinner
• ended up going to Kaffe and Jimmy got me in, him and his fine self ^.^
• danced my happy self from the moment we got there til we left (11-1:45ish)
• i really wanted to get Jimmy's attention, I don't know what came over me. And he came over a couple times to ask how I was okay or kinda dance and then walked away cause obvs he's really busy being a promoter and all and besides he's probably 22-26 which is too old for me. But he was still oh so fine
• these guys were trying to holla at me and diana, even us sent us roses, but they were practically pedophiles with how they were looking at us and being too old
  
• Miccossukee after that with Diana, Ramiro, Rosa and Rosa's cousin lol he's so weird. you have to be 18 and older to be there and it was funny that Diana now being officially 18 kept getting asked for her i.d. and I wasn't even looked at :p
• we decided that our "going out" names were gonna be Gaby (Diana) and Erica (me)
  
• got home at 4am and didnt officially go to sleep til 5am cause I had an epiphany and then Diana started talking to Frank and it got heated, whatever.
  
• Epiphany: Confidence is key. What do those other girls have that I don't? You can't be apart of the game if you take yourself out, don't sell yourself short. I'm gonna stop hiding under all these layers of clothes. I started awhile ago with makeup (i rarely use foundation anymore, just mascara, concealer under my eyes and mascara) but now I gotta start loving myself for who I am and accept that my body is the way it is and God made it that way. I'm gonna improve my self-esteem issues, I'm gonna.
  

Friday, June 17th 2011

• woke up at 9am again, but today I'm tired cause my grandma did snore last night and I went to sleep at 2am texting Casey, so its partially my fault.
• gave the kids cereal, strawberries, bananas, and cherries
• phineas and ferb!
  
• online schooll..
• Tio Pablo called me today from the airport, he's going to Santo Domingo. He claims he loves me, remembers me all the time and that I'm his favorite but I'm sure he tells that to everyone. I kinda hoped he was more responsible and that my mom would trust him enough to let me go with him, but that would never happen
• more puzzles!
• Luisito didn't wanna eat his soup, super stubborn
• shopped at Costco with my aunt, ate pizza & a smoothie
• homeeeeeee <3
• made myself a sandwich: bacon, spinach, mozarella cheese, tomato with seasoning and had some organic chocolate soy milk :3
• talked til midnight with Anita and then wished Diana a happy birthday
  

Spontaneous decision

I want to go to disney world this summer. Magic Kingdom to be exact. Before summer hopefully? I'm gonna beg and plead and hopefully my mother will let me :|
Should it be before Jamaica, or after? Hmm...I don't know thats too far ahead, but I wanna go to Disney World.

Please? :/

WOOOOOOW

I was checking my email right now and guess who I received an email from? eHarmony.com telling me to "find a great relationship" through their fast website -_-

WHAT. CAN A HOME GURL BE SINGLE? DANG

Thursday, June 16th 2011

• sleeping wasn't too bad, I didn't hear my grandma snore all night! Success
• woke up at around 9am, took a shower and made breakfast for the kiddies
• did homework with them
• ate lunch: carne desmenusada, pureed broccoli, beans and rice
• found a secret stash of oreos :o bye bye healthy lifestyle
  
• nap time :3
• watched spongebob with them!
• virtual school :(
• watched the premiere of pretty little liars, better late than never :D
• tia maritza made me some awesome chicken noodle soup!!!!
  

R.S., I'll never forget you

All you gave me were memories to look back on, memories to get lost in. But me...I gave you a piece of something that I always keep sheltered. As stupid and cheesy as this sounds, yes...I gave you a piece of my heart. But this piece wasn't huge or anything near that, it was small..maybe the size of a grain of rice. But ever since you took it away, things haven't been the same. I compare everyone to you and I don't even know that much about you to compare them to you, but I do.

And on days like today, its your picture that I like to stare at. It's your memories that I look back on. It's our future that I had planned for us that I think about.

But that's all you'll ever be now, a memory. Someday you won't be the boy next door anymore and you'll move out and find someone and that someone won't be me. I know now what it's like to have a one-sided relationship. Thats what we had, didn't we? The feelings were never mutual, they never were.

Thanks though, for all those memories. It makes me hope, makes me wonder, gives me that push to keep on waiting.

That girl you're with right now, probably right at this second, she's lucky to have you. As she's in your arms right now and twirls your hair around her fingers and feels your heart beat, I hope she knows she was blessed. As she kisses you good night and whispers those last few words before you go home, I hope she holds on a little longer and loves you like you're meant to be loved.


(Omg...I need to do virtual school. I can't get more depressing and pathetic than this -_-)

In regards to Tuesday's post

I realized that I was/am a complete bitch for saying all those things about Casey. He did all those nice things for me, even wanted to pay for my lunch, and how do I repay him? By talking shit about him...I'm horrible and I can't believe I went that low. Yes, he may be a momma's boy but it's not entirely his fault, that's how he was raised and how he is and I can't change that and I shouldn't want to either. He's been so good to me all this time and the least I should do is be happy that he's not some jerk trying to take advantage of me. He might be taking his time and not doing things at "normal" speed, but whats normal anyway? At least he gives me space and isn't around all the time and he's respectful and all those other great qualities he has. He may not be a man yet, but I don't think I'm a woman yet either. I'm still a girl, and I'm trying to grow up way too fast. I need to slow down. I'm only seventeen and I guess the time for a "serious relationship" isn't here yet and I should accept whats being offered to me. Maybe along the way we'll both mature and the young relationship will blossom into something neither of us expected. But for now, we're still learning, especially when neither of us have ever been in a relationship and we both don't know what we're doing.

Casey, if you ever read this, I can't express how sorry I am for being so selfish and only thinking about myself and not even taking into consideration how you might be feeling. I'm really trying to change all this bad habits and I want this to work but I get a bit impatient sometimes, more so when things don't go my way.

Wednesday, June 15th 2011

• woke up at around 9am
  
• gave the kids their breakfast (pancakes, strawberry shake)
• ate some eggs, tostitos, strawberries
• the kids were doing their work
• watched wolverine (it was great c:)
• been in a depressing mood all day, but joined my cousins in their nap and I felt refreshed when I woke up, Thank you God!
• on my aunts laptop, supposed to be doing virtual school but i'm always slackin' ~

Tuesday, June 14th, 2011

 

• made some Rasberry ripple cupcakes (yum!) and i added some chocolate chips :)
• Went to the zoo with casey
• Everyone said it was a date, but i denied it even though secretly I knew it sounded like it. I asked him if it was just gonna be us and he said yes, and then he brings his COUSIN. What?! You’re 18 and we need a chaperone? You don’t even have your permit yet. I kinda want someone more independent, not own your own apartment, but for God’s sake don’t be a momma’s boy either. They baby him so much. Probably cut his fruits and veggies.
• Besides all of that, I did have fun, even though it was scorching hot (and I forgot to put on deodorant so it was REALLY bad). We rode around on the big bicycle things (i forgot what they’re called) and his  cousin’s really funny. We almost hit all dem hoes out da road ~
• After the zoo went to subway (Diana’s job) and told her about the stupid “date”. She understands me to the end.
• Chilled at yoel’s house and told my aunt and uncle all about what had happened and tia luz was all “eso es que tiene otra mujer’ lmao she’s so funny.
• picked up my mom and now i’m typing this even though i should probably be packing.
• I’m leaving to tia Maritza’s house til friday to tutor Luisito with his school things, EVEN THOUGH ITS SUMMER. Whatevs, I’m helping her AND I get payed.

Peace

Monday, June 13th, 2011

• woke up late, YESS.
• Did some errands: deposited money to me bank account, picked up my moms mail and my package at the post office, grocery shopped for my mom, picked up Yoel and Tuty, and then returned the movie at blockbuster
• I asked if they were hiring (at blockbuster) and they are, but you gotta be 18 :( sigh---
• Played mortal kombat with chris
• yoel got a facial, cry baby was complaining the whole time
• Rosa mistica with my mom at church
• home <3 night!

Sunday, June 12th, 2011

• woke up late for it being a sunday
• Praised the lord
• Golden corral with my grandma, mom, tia luz, yoel, chris, tio ernesto, don Eddey, Ada and Jencarlos
• went to “El hipico Nicaraguense” and almost died, it was crazy. Everyone kept yelling things like “terroristas”
• Dropped off my grandma at tia Juanita’s house and gave Shy her graduation chocolate chip cookie cake :)
• Picked up my stepdad from the airport –dies-
• attempted to watch “never let me go” again but i was falling asleep
• night <3

a little post because i have a little time

I’m going to the zoo right now. Yuuup. With Casey. Everyone thinks its a date, BUT ITS NOT. Friends go out all the time.

Yup. Not freaking out or anything…

I just want it to be over already. I wanna go home even though I’m still here. I don’t wanna leave :( I WANNA STAY. PLEASE. PRETTY PRETTY PLEASE.

I have to go now…

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH

saturday, june 11th 2011

• cleaned the whole house
• went to Chris’ championship barbecue
• stayed at Tia Luz’s house for a bit and played Mortal Combat, UP, and some racing game with Chris
• visited Diana at subway for her first day of work
• since blockbuster was right there i decided to rent a movie and got “never let me go”
• baked a chocolate chip cookie cake for Shy as her grad present
• went to Publix with my grandma to buy some almond milk for her, and since I didn’t find any rice milk i bought some organic chocolate soy milk :3
• went to subways again and saw Diana and Frank for a few minutes
• my momma gave me a facial
• saw “never let me go” and it was toooo good
• texted Casey til 2am and sleep ~

I’m insane

I’m doing online school and with the class I also get this overview of a college for each chapter and for "Chapter 0”  its Yale.

I want to go to Yale, the school is calling me. Its so beautiful and for some strange reason I think I’ll fit in.

asljkdfhdfgjht

whats wrong with me?!

the past week (or two)

I’ve decided to stop caring about the boy, just because he doesn't have the guts to come clean about his feelings and because he doesn’t like getting personal. Obviously, if you want something with me there has to be some amount of trust and your need to be exclusive needs to show, but not you.

Victor…and his sexy self. ‘Nuff said.

Diana graduated and lately all I can think about is that I’m finally a senior. The moment I’ve been waiting for is here and I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m freaking out mostly, though. This is my last summer to be carefree and wild…its here. In a year, I’ll be going to college and everything’s gonna be so different :x I’m living it up this year…ferr sure. Playing it as it goes…

But anyways, Diana graduated and I’m so proud of my baby girl and everything she’s accomplished :’) Wednesday was her graduation dinner and I had so much with everyone: Frank, Ellie, Jeremy and Diana. We went to Wal-Mart and did stupid things like fill shopping carts with random things and then leaving them stranded…and then going to dunkin’ donuts and eating, falling asleep at 2am pranking boys, some not so sexy. Then waking up to this girl snoring and texting someone. Then to getting stranded at coral reef and taking the bus to southland and spending the day there drinking starbucks and eating pizza <3 Even though I told Diana that with her I always seem to go through bad things, I love her for helping me get out of this funk and enjoying life and all the little moments that matter.

We were talking and I’ve realized how much things have changed. Back then, I was the wild child and she was the careful one…now I’m more of the mother, worried all the time girl and she’s the girl who needs to be kept on a leash. I want to be somewhere in between. I have one year to do everything I want to do, so you know what…I’m gonna do it.

I’m gonna make a bucketlist of all the things that I’ve always wanted to do and in 365 days I will accomplish it. I will.

Now brb, gotta do do some errands ~

*sigh*

I’ve probably gained all the weight I lost in the past week or two.

Gonna go die now.

Lol jk I have to blog first…

LOL my grandma is too funny

*in the bathroom*

Me: Y como durmio abuelita?

Abuelita: Bien, fijate que sone con la Ana Maria y esta BIEEEEEN flaca y yo le pregunte que porque estaba bien flaca si ella es GOOOOOORDA.

Me: Y que le dijo?

Abuelita: Me dijo que es que estaba enamorada…

Me: LMAO. ROFL.

Abuelita: Si esta loca, y le dije que porque todavia pensaba en hombres

Me: LOL

Abuelita: Y me dijo que ella nacio asi

Me: Como?

Abuelita: Pensando en hombres

******more great conversations to come <3